Going home

So many thoughts are running through my mind right now.  I'm sitting on the plane as we make our way back home to Dallas and can not get comfortable.  I read one of the books that was given to me on the first leg of the flight to Phoenix, but on this second leg, I am just too tired.  My body is beat, I'm am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, but not enough to let my body relax and sleep.

 As we got to Phoenix and were walking to our next gate, I almost felt as if I was in a movie where at that moment everything is silent and in slow motion, but so much going on around me.  Seeing parents with their young children, especially boys that look close to Jaylen's age is gut wrenching.  I fear going home and having to face the reality of it all, but at the same time I am so ready to be home.  There is no place like home, but in the midst of that, home will never be the same because a huge part of our home is missing.  I know we will feel Jaylen close, but I also know that every time we do something or look at something, there will be a memory of Jaylen.  I know in time that those memories will bring us great joy, but right now, in these next few weeks, it will be painful.

The thought of never having Jaylen pulling me to his room to get a box of cars out for him just so he can dump them out all over the family room floor hurts.  At times I didn't understand why he always did that, especially when he would only play with a few of them, but I would give anything to have him to do it again.  The thought of never having a dance party, wrestling match, riding bikes down the driveway, or Mike throwing him in the air, twisting and turning him, kills me (even though it killed me watching Mike throw him around).  Going for walks will never be the same.  For one, we always did it as a family, and for two, so many memories of the funny things Jaylen would do on the walks.

For Jaylen being as young as he was, we have built some amazing memories.  More than I could ever imagine and I wonder at times if Jaylen knew all along and was preparing us.  It's impossible to believe or understand why God would bless us with such an amazing spirit, only to know that he wouldn't be with us for very long, but for some reason, there is a plan and all I can do is believe.  Jaylen blessed our family more than he will ever know. We are closer than we have ever been. My relationship with Mike is stronger than it has ever been and I can't help but believe that it was part of Jaylen's mission.

I'm fearful of what's to come in the next few days as we go back home and are in front of friends and neighbors who are just hearing about our loss.  Part of what is so hard in this process is that other's are grieving as well.  Just when I feel like I'm ok, I see someone else's tears and it's hard to hold mine back.  I am at a point right now though, that I feel numb.  I feel like so much is going on around me, but silence is what I hear and feel.

I'm fearful for my kids to return to school.  I know that they need to get back to normalcy as soon as possible, but really, what is normal to us as a family now??  I don't think we will ever be the normal we once were.  We are going to have to build a new normal and I hope Mike and I will be able to help our kids through it.  I fear taking Kaia to preschool tomorrow.  She goes to preschool where Jaylen went to daycare two days a week.  Everyone there knows Jaylen, loves him, and are affected by this too.  I know they will want to ask how we are, and of course, if they didn't ask I would be sad, but at the same time, I have to face that I will never be taking Jaylen there again.  I'm not ready to start the new normal, but somehow that will be the only way to survive.

I'm big into exercising and since this event has taken place, I have had no desire to run.  I love running, lifting weights, etc. It is my therapy and I know that it would be good to start doing again, but again, the gym I go to, I would take Jaylen with me periodically.  When he and Kaia would come with me, everyone noticed them the second we walked in the doors.  I know if I go there now without Jaylen, people will wonder, people will ask, and how do you tell people that your baby boy has passed on??  In many ways it makes me feel like I failed as a parent, but I know that Mike and I are great parents.  It is hard though, to not feel like you failed.

All these fears, and starting over is the reality of this all and the reality is so very ugly.  I feel fortunate that we have felt the support that we have and a lot of that support is from people in Texas.  We questioned at one point if we should move back to Utah, but both Mike and I feel that Texas is our home now and it's where we are suppose to be.  Life will never be the same and when someone asks what they can do for us, all I can say is pray.  We need all the prayers we can get and not just now, months down the road.  So if you ever wonder what you can do, please just pray for our family.