Markings on the Wall

It was almost one year ago that Mike and I packed up our entire life and moved almost 1300 miles away to a place that was unknown to us.  We decided to leave the life we had in Utah behind and start new, in a new city that neither of us had ever lived before.  The thought of leaving "home" was scary.  The unknown of being in an unfamiliar place, far away from our family and friends.  It was a big decision for Mike and I.  This not only effected us, but it would effect our children's lives also.  What if we moved and it wasn't what we thought it was going to be?  Moving our kids away from all they have ever known was pressure on us to make sure we were making the right decision.  When we arrived in Fort Worth, Texas, three LONG days later, we were excited.  The days following were a bit hard. Trying to find my way around in such unfamiliar surroundings was tough.  For the first few weeks I questioned if we had made the right decision.  I was home sick and missed the familiarity of "home".

Our first night in Texas 

Shortly after we got to Texas, things didn't go as planned.  The job that Mike had got hired on with, partly the reason we moved, was delayed and he ended up not starting until three months later.  At the time, he was frustrated and concerned, but now looking back and the time line of events, it was a blessing and something that we were so grateful for.  Mike has always been a hard worker, wanting to provide for his family.  There weren't many times that he was able to have more than a few days off to be home with the kids.  Because of the delay on starting work, he got to be home for those three months with the kids, all day, every day.  It is something that he will cherish for the rest of his life.  He has always been an amazing dad, very hands on, but for those few months, he got to be with them constantly and was able to spend quality time, day in and day out with them.  I know that he looks back on that time now, and even then, so grateful for that extra time he got with Jaylen.  I know that it was a blessing and all that took place from the time we moved, up until Jaylen's accident, and even after, has been nothing more than a plan that has been put in place for our lives.  Do I sometimes wish this wasn't our plan?? Absolutely! All the time!!  But the truth is, we are not in control.  Each and everyone of us have been sent here for a purpose and a plan has been layed out.  All of us will be faced with struggles that we wish we didn't have, but in the end, God is aware and knows why.  I continue to try so hard to trust in that and have faith of the plan he has layed out for me, even though it can be extremely difficult.

Trip to Hogle Zoo about a week before we moved

When we moved to Texas, the house we ended up moving into in was kind of on a fluke. If you are not familiar with the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex, it is huge!!  Moving here, we did not want to buy a home before knowing where we wanted to settle because it is so big.  We wanted to get familiar with the areas before placing our roots.  We were in the process of trying to rent a different house in a different area, when someone else beat us to it.  It was about two weeks before our move that we learned that we would not get that house, but the landlord of that home had another home available, about 10 miles southwest of that home if we were interested.  With it only being two weeks away, we took it, not knowing anything about the area and only seeing pictures online.  Who knew the everlasting effect that this home would have on us??  Pulling up to this house last March, we knew it was a temporary home.  Who knew that the memories that were made in this home, would be some of the most profound in our life?  Our family grew the closest we have ever been in this home.  The love that has been built between these walls in the past year is beyond what I could have ever imagined. Along with that, there is such heartbreak between these walls.  Every corner we turn, there is a reminder of what was, and what will never be.

As we are approaching the one year mark from our move, our lease is up and we are moving to a new home, closer to my sister and her family.  It has been a very bittersweet decision.  After Jaylen's accident, we weren't sure if we could even stay in the home we've been in. The memories and reminders of what was now gone, was and is extremely painful.  Originally we were going to try and move right after, but decided to stay.  As hard as it has been, I am grateful that we did stay.  The time has come though, to pack up our things and move on to the next chapter of our lives.  It has been very emotional thinking of what we will be leaving.  I know that Jaylen will follow us wherever we go, but the memory of him walking around the corner in the next house will not be there. Finding a car in the corner of our next house will not happen.

Surprise finding one day :)

Mike has been boxing up the house and I have been hesitant for Jaylen's room to be touched.  As he has been boxing up things, I can't help but feel that we are erasing a part of our lives.  I know in my heart, that will never be the case, but as I look in the room that was once my beautiful 2 year olds room, empty, I can't help but feel a sting.  As Mike approached his room the other day, it was challenging for him.  He knew that I wasn't prepared to do it though and so he did the unthinkable. All I could do was hear him from the other room, knowing what he was doing.  My heart sank a little. Afterwards I let him know that I was not prepared to get rid of any of his clothes yet and want all his things to come with us.  They may not be set up in the next house, but I still need those things with us and he agreed.  I'm grateful that he is sensitive to my feelings and agrees, rather than it being a battle between us of what we should do.  This has been such a devastating process for both of us, but I am so grateful that we have been able to communicate through it and help each other through trying to heal.  We still have a lot of healing to do, but I'm grateful for his love and support and I know he feels the same from me.

He will always be my little drummer boy

As Mike has been boxing things up, I told him that I would take care of the cleaning.  It's a lot different to clean walls and things when some of the marks on the walls came from my child that is no longer here.  I have hesitated to clean some of these markings because again, I feel like we are erasing a part of our lives.  I wish I could take every mark, stain, or moment from this house and carry it to the next.  There are so many things with losing a child that I would have never thought twice about before.  Our last house, we had a door where we had measured the children's growth on from time to time.  We ended up leaving it there, forgetting it in a sense.  It was important to me, but I realized that we could just start a new growth chart.  We never did start one here and that door that was left in our old home in Utah is the only door that has Jaylen's growth markings on it.  Now, leaving this home, I wish I could take every last marking with me.  Washing the markings off the walls, I am removing the last markings that my little boy left.  I know his spirit will follow us no matter what, but those markings are the last marks we have from our beautiful boy's physical presence.  It is really tough and one more thing that we have had to face with this tragic loss.  

The past week has been a better week for me than it has been in a while, even with the packing up.  There have been some special moments, that not only I have experienced, but others, reminding me that Jaylen is indeed close and very aware of his family.  I am grateful that I am reminded that we are not alone, that he is aware, and that he loves us.  As challenging as each day is to face, I am so grateful to continue to feel love and support from so many.  As we embark on this next year of our lives, I can't help but think about what is in store for us.  Never in a million years, did I ever expect the events that unfolded this past year.  So many blessing have come, but again, our lives were effected so deeply and 2013 will be a year that will never be forgotten.  I pray that we are not hit with tragedy again and hope to continue to grow.  None of us are guaranteed anything though.  I am not immune to anything and even though I have lived the unthinkable, it still does not mean that it can't happen again.  I pray that I never experience this kind of loss again though and that this next year is full of happiness and blessings.  Along with that, I will continue to love with all of my heart and try to cherish each moment.  This life is only a moment in the eternal realm of things and while we are blessed to be here, I just want to try to enjoy it, even with the heartbreak.  As hard as it is to box up this home and wash off the markings on the wall, I look forward to the next chapter and what is to come.  I know our family is being blessed and I know Jaylen will follow.  Maybe I will even find one of his cars stashed in corner of the next house...

A True Test of Faith

I have wanted to sit down numerous times lately to write, but have had nothing in me to do it.  I have so much on my mind, but I don't have the motivation. You would think that almost six months later, I would be in a better place, but honestly, I think it is getting harder.  The reality is starting to sink in as the shock factor wears off and I wake up each day with the reminder that Jaylen truly will not be coming back.  Would you know by looking at me that I am struggling?  Probably not, but inside, I am crumbling.  Is it okay for me to walk around each day with a sad face?  No.  Most people that know me would say, Absolutely, with what I'm going through, but they are not who I associate with daily.  If I were to walk around showing on the outside, what I feel on the inside, people would think I was crazy.  Do I really want people, strangers mostly, to know the pain I'm feeling?  Absolutely not.  Not because it shows weakness, but because it makes people uncomfortable and honestly, I really am not a miserable, weak person.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I wake up each morning thinking to myself that I hate my life, but then I'm also saying, I don't hate my life, I have a great life, I just hate that this is a part of my life.   

Jaylen at about 6 months old

This battle is so internal.  My mind does not shut down.  Every second of every day, my thoughts are on my sweet baby boy, gone too soon.  How can it not be??  This is something that even six months later is hard to comprehend.  The longer it goes, the more we are back into our daily routine and it's hard because life can't stop.  I can't just give up, lay in bed, cry day in and day out.  Honestly, the tears don't come as often as they use to, but the sadness is becoming deeper.  Am I depressed??  Absolutely not.  I know that for a fact!  The diagnosis?  A grieving mother who lost her baby boy long before expected.  By reading my words, one may think I am depressed, but I know without a doubt it is not depression.  I am not suicidal.  I have so much that brings happiness.  I have a husband who is truly my best friend.  He listens to me anytime I need to express my feelings and accepts me for who I am.  I have two beautiful, healthy, happy children still here, who bring laughter to me even on the most painful days.  I have parents who are half way across the world right now, that I know love me with all of their hearts and would be here for me at any minute.  I have my siblings and their families who are so loving. I have many incredible friends who pick me up daily.  There is so much love around me, so no, I am not depressed, just a mom who misses her baby deeply. 

Today I was at the gym and as I was finishing up, I saw a mom walk in with her two bi-racial children.  They stood out to me because they had to be right around the age of Kaia and Jaylen and had similar traits.  I couldn't help but stare, tears filling my eyes along with an intense sting to the heart.   I had envy as I looked at this mother, with her two beautiful children, about to go swimming.  That use to be me.  As I looked at her though, I couldn't help but think, what is she struggling with that I don't know about?  I walk around places now with just Ian and Kaia.  Someone may notice me out somewhere, thinking the same thought that I had of that mom today.  You just never know what someone is dealing with.

 

The other night, we were all sitting down to dinner.  As we were finishing up, we all started goofing off, making musical noises, and dancing.  It was one of the first moments since the accident that I noticed we were all laughing, genuine laughs, together.  In that moment, I couldn't help but think about how Jaylen was missing it.  He should be here.  Those are the things we would do all the time when he was here. He loved it!  He shouldn't be missing it now, it doesn't feel right.  We were out on a walk the other night as a family.  As we were walking, I just kept envisioning Jaylen right there with us walking.  He loved going on walks and he wanted to walk, not be in the stroller.  As we walked, I would watch my kids stroll along with the dog, picturing Jaylen holding her leash, walking with us.  There is just nothing easy about this, I wish there was.  No matter if I find myself enjoying the moment, there is always that reminder of what was.  There is a quote I saw the other day that says, "I don't grieve just for the moment my loved one passed.  I grieve the past, the future, and the now.  A human being is more then just one moment in time..."  I couldn't say it better.

My faith has really been tested lately.  Six months ago, if you asked me if I believed in God, I would say yes and it wouldn't go much further than that.  I have always had faith that God is real and that this life is not the end, but just a chapter.  Religion was something that I was not interested in.  I was a Christian and that was it.  Since Jaylen's passing, I have really started searching for answers.  I feel like I am more in tune with God now than I have ever been, but recently I feel so alone.  My faith is weak.  For months I honestly felt like I was being carried, but for the past few weeks I feel like I am climbing.  Trying so hard to have that comfort and peace that I did in the beginning.  I was so sure of so much right after the accident.  My faith was so strong, but I feel like I'm fighting to keep it daily now.  

We were driving on the freeway yesterday and there was a big billboard that read in large letters, "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FAITH IN GOD?" then below it was a scripture, Hebrews 11.  I pulled out my phone immediately to look up the scripture because it caught my eye.  Hebrews 11:1-3 reads, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  For by it the elders obtain good report.  Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things in which are seen were not made of things which do appear".  With Jaylen's passing I so hope that I will see him again, but it is only by faith that I can trust that I will.  This funk that I have been in for almost two months has tested my faith so much.  I feel like I'm striving to learn more every day, but that comfort is not there.  Where has it gone?  I wish I knew!  I have always been told, the more you seek and make God a priority in your life, the closer you will feel to him.  I feel I am doing more in my life now, than I ever have, to grow that relationship, but I feel nothing.  I am empty.  Maybe I hoping for more than is possible, but I need that comfort.  The closer I am to God, the closer I feel I am to Jaylen.  I don't feel Jaylen near and I ache for the peacefulness that was once felt.  

As empty as the past couple of months have been, I still always try to keep positive.  I know with the downs, no matter how long they last, there will be a time that the high will come again. I have always been an optimistic person and I will find a way to have the true inner happiness again.  I know that it will never be what it once was, but there may come a time, that it will be sweeter than ever imagined.  I have an Angel in Heaven that is watching over me daily.  Having an Angel brings a part of Heaven to our home, even if we can't always feel it.  My faith has been tested to the extreme, but I trust that I will be with Jaylen again.  I know God has a plan for us all and I will continue on this path of hope even when I'm discouraged.