Another Hour, Another Day

Another hour has passed, another day has gone by that Jaylen has not been with us and it seems like it has been an eternity.  I still don't think the reality of it all has hit me yet.  I know in my heart that he isn't coming home, but I still wish that I could wake up and it all be different.  I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights.  I'm able to fall asleep on my own, but I have been waking up around 3 or 4 each morning and can't go back to sleep.  When I wake and it's quiet, my mind starts to go.  I start to replay that tragic night over and over in my mind and it never gets easier.  Early this morning when I awoke, Kaia was in bed with us, of course, and was awake too.  I wasn't aware that she was awake, but I started to cry thinking about everything.  My sweet, five year old daughter, leans over and asks, "Mom are you sad?"  me, trying to be strong for her said, "yes, but it's ok" she says, "are you thinking about Jay?" I said, "yes".  She leans over to me and says, "mommy, it will be ok" then gave me a big hug and shared her blanket with me.  All I could think was, here I am, this grown woman who is the one that is suppose to be there to comfort my kids, but my five year old is here comforting me.  I am so blessed to have such sweet, thoughtful kids.  They amaze me with their strength.

The past two days I have decided to go on a run outside rather than attempt the gym.  It actually has been very therapeutic for me.  I put on my earphones to a play list of music that my brother made for me after the accident and it's just me, the road, and no one in my view.  I've been able to feel some peace while I do this.  I have been able to cry, run fast, slow down, talk to Jaylen, my brother, and pray to God.  It has helped me to have that moment and I'm glad that I've found some way to get out and still enjoy exercise.

I'm amazed at the kindness that we continue to feel by so many people.  It really puts things into perspective and I hope that I will be able to pay it all forward to others in the future.  We receive cards in the mail every day from people we know, but a lot are from strangers that only know of us.  It's just amazing!

 I've really struggled with the thought of only having two children to care for now because I have three!!  I fear the question of  "how many kids do you have?"  I have three kids and always will, but that is a tough question.  One of my closest friends from high school surprised me with a beautiful gift in the mail today.  I think she was aware of my feelings regarding that question.  She sent me a beautiful necklace with all three of my kids first initial to their name on it so I will ALWAYS have my three children with me.  It meant so much to me and I will always cherish it.

I have attempted to make dinner for the first time today since the accident.  I did use the crock pot, but it's one more step in trying to pick up the pieces and go forward.  I have had no desire to do much of anything, but can't let my household fall apart so I am really trying to keep things together.  I am really trying hard to get my children's lives back to normal as much as possible.  Life will never be the same, but I've got to do my best to not disrupt their lives even more.

It's amazing how different the home is with just one little two year old not around.  It's not like Jaylen made a ton of noise, but the house is so quiet without him.  I miss the noise, I miss just knowing that he was around the corner in the other room playing and dancing.  He kept us entertained.  Kaia is a good entertainer too, Ian's a bit more shy, but between Kaia and Jaylen, there was never a dull moment.  I look forward to the day that we are all dancing together again.

Each day I pray for something special to happen so I know that Jaylen is close.  People have told us that special things will happen and those are the moments that will pull you through.  In my heart, I know that Jaylen has been here, we have felt him, but it's never enough.  I'm sure with time those moments will lessen, but I will cherish all that he will bless us with.  The other day when I was really struggling, I just kept praying for some sort of sign that Jaylen is near.  Yesterday I believe that I was blessed with yet another sign that he is close.  Those moments give me hope.  They are what will get me through this.