Picking Up the Pieces...

Since we have been home, it has been an up and down battle of emotions.  One moment I will feel like I am ok, but in a split second , the reality sets in and I turn angry and frustrated, thinking "why my little boy, why Jaylen??"   Mike and I are good people.  We have tried to live our lives the best we know how.  We aren't perfect, we have made numerous mistakes, but we have tried our best.  People say that God gives these type of challenges to the strongest of people and if that's the case, I don't want to be strong!  I don't believe that Mike and I are any stronger than another human out there, but for some reason, we are here facing this tragedy.  It's unfair and I want my son back so bad, but for some reason, this is God's plan for us.  I don't understand why it had to happen and at times it feels impossible, minutes feel like hours, days feel like eternity, but I hope with time, we will understand.

When we arrived home from the airport, we pulled up to our home with a porch filled with gifts, balloons, flowers, lawn mowed, etc.  It is so amazing to see how people come together to help a family that they hardly know.  Our neighbors have been so kind.  We feel very blessed for how much people have done for us.  It makes you realize that in this world of pure evil, there still are a lot of good people.  It makes me want to be a better person.

Our home has been extremely peaceful, but it is hard to be here at times.  Every time we turn around, we have a memory of Jaylen.  Wishing so bad that they weren't memories.  I catch myself looking in his room, wishing that he was waiting for me to get him out of his bed.  I find myself walking through the house, hoping to find a car laying around that he had played with and never got put away.  I sit, hoping that some special thing will happen, just to let me know that he is still here with us.  We have had a few special moments, but I wish they were constant!

I started the laundry today because it hasn't been done since before the accident.  As I went to each of my kids rooms to gather the laundry, I got to Jaylen's room and he had two outfits that were in his basket.  I stood there staring at them, so many thoughts running through my mind.  I immediately grabbed them, smelling them, hoping that they would have his scent on them.  They didn't.  I debated if I should even wash them, or keep them dirty just to remind me that Jaylen was with us and that I didn't imagine it for the past 2 years.  I decided to wash his everything, but put one pair of shorts that were dirty aside.  I also have a pair of pajamas that he had worn the night before the accident that does have his smell on them and I pray that the smells stays forever.

I have felt numb since the events took place, but being at home, certain things make it a reality.  I've noticed that if Mike and I can keep ourselves busy, we are ok, but the second we let our minds relax, the reality is there and it is heartbreaking.  I feel like wanting to throw a tantrum, kicking and punching walls.  It's weird though because one moment I will feel ok, then the next, I break down.  I was searching for something in my drawer today and came across a zip lock bag that said, "Jaylen's first haircut", which was March of this year.  It made me realize that he will never have a haircut again and it sucks.  So many things that he won't be able to experience in this life or things that we won't be able to experience with him.  Parents just should not be allowed to lose children.

Kaia went back to school yesterday and like I said before, it was going to be hard to take her.  A week before the accident, Jaylen and Kaia had picture day and when I walked in there yesterday morning, the first thing they had for me were the pictures.  What a treasure!!!  I feel so lucky that we were able to have some professional, beautiful pictures of my baby boy before all of this.  Who knew that it would be his last??  I will tell you though, they bring a smile to my face and I am so lucky that I am his mom.  The daycare staff was so nice.  They let me know they cared, but didn't dwell, which is exactly what I need at this time.  It's hard to be around people because you want to know that they care, but you don't feel like talking a whole lot either.  A nice hug and a few words is perfect.

School portrait, Sept. 2013

Mike and I decided to go to the gym this morning.  This is the first time I have even attempted to exercise and it was hard!!!  Not physically, but mentally.  As I was running on the treadmill all I wanted to do was quit.  I had no strength, my body just felt defeated.  As I continued to run, I kept telling myself not to give up, to push through it.   It made me think of my life now and how I feel.  I so badly want to stop, give up, curl in a ball, and hide from the world, but I have to push through this.  I have to force myself to learn a new normal and carry on.  Just like I wouldn't let myself quit on the treadmill today, I will not let this tragedy get the best of me.  Whatever Mike and I are suppose to learn from this, we will try and learn.  We find ourselves already wanting to be better people.  Since all of this, we have learned that love is all that matters in this life.  We want to keep our home peaceful, we want our kids to get along, and we always want to be positive examples to our kids.  We just want to be better so we can be with Jaylen again.  That is all I want!!  I catch myself constantly looking around corners, hoping that he will appear.  I do believe that I will see Jaylen again, it may feel like an eternity before I do, but it gives me hope!!  So much hope!!