The Battle...

The past few days have been interesting.  I will be feeling pretty good, but certain moments throughout the day I catch myself thinking about Jaylen deeply and my heart starts to pound fast.  I have had such a peaceful feeling that this is part of a bigger plan, but even with that peace, I still struggle.  If I start thinking too much, I have to try and shift my focus on to other thoughts.  If I don't, it can turn into something that is almost unbearable.

My parents got here on Thursday and it has been great having them.  I've noticed that when I'm around those closest to me, it's easier to not have horrible breakdowns.  We will have conversations of Jaylen, but they are uplifting.  Tears are shed at times, but it's controllable.  What's hard these days is that the longer it goes since Jaylen has been with us, the more I lose the feeling of what is was like to have him with us every day.  I hate that feeling!  In some ways I feel as if I'm betraying Jaylen because he should be here.   We should be laughing at the silly things he does.  We should be pulling out our hair with the craziness, but instead we are learning to live without him.  In so many ways it's not right, but it is what we have to do.

Ian won "scariest costume".

Yesterday was one month since his 2nd birthday and I had friends checking in on me to make sure I was doing okay.  In all reality though, it's not the anniversaries that hurt these days.  What I struggle most with are the daily reminders that he is not here.  When I walk in his room and see his empty crib, his pile of toys that have not been played with, his bikes in the garage that don't move, his blanket that I sleep with every night, I could go on and on.  There is no way escaping from  it and it's so tough!  I know that as the holidays come around it will be tough too.  My kids had opportunity to go to a trunk-or-treat last night, I knew that they would have a good time so we went.  It was great to see them get dressed in their costumes and have fun.  I enjoyed it as well, but in the back of my mind, there still was that thought that Jaylen was missing it.  I had already picked out a costume for him to wear this year and I'm sad that he isn't able to.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  I love the feeling December brings, the music, the family gatherings, etc.  I know that this year will not have that same excitement.  With each holiday, Jaylen will be missing and that will bring an emptiness that I haven't had before.

My little tiger

I've been running a little more often, but not at the gym.  I have come to enjoy being on the roads where I can just zone out.  Today as I was running though, a firetruck came rushing down the road with it's siren and lights on.  I get a sick feeling in my stomach anytime I see a firetruck or ambulance now.  It is a horrible reminder of that tragic night.  The firefighters and police officers that assisted us that night were more than great, but any reminder of it just hurts.

I have noticed that I'm able to control my emotions a little more now, but there still has not been a day that tears have not been shed.  We were at dinner tonight with my sister's family and parents, all having a good time.  For a minute, I found myself not thinking about Jaylen, but that didn't last very long.   I notice that I can find myself having a decent time, but then I remember that Jaylen isn't with us causing some kind of ruckus.  We use to hate going to restaurants because Jaylen would not sit still and it was more stressful than it was worth.  I would do anything to have him climbing on me or spilling his food all over again.  I've learned that as challenging as it is to be a parent at times, those challenges are some of my greatest memories now.  He was by far my busiest child and into the most mischief, but I have thousands of memories that were created is his short two years.

One of the few times Jaylen was upset because I didn't want him to take off running away from us.

I miss him more that words could ever express.  This is the hardest battle that I have ever had to endure, but again, I will continue to try and focus on the positive and what I am suppose to learn from this.  I will never be the same person, but hope that I can continue to better myself each and every day.