My Angel

I woke up feeling pretty good today.  Monday was a real struggle for me, but the past two days have been pretty good.  I'm trying to focus on the positive and what I can do from this point on to be better.  As hard as it can be at times, I know that is what I need to do.  I miss Jaylen.  I don't think that will ever go away, but in order to move forward and be a good wife and mom to my other children, I need to be positive and be there for them.  Jaylen wants us happy and I am trying to do that for him.  It doesn't mean that it will always be easy or that tears won't be shed, but I will try.

My sister in law, who was married to my brother Brian, helped watched my kids periodically before we moved to Texas.  I feel that we have built a strong bond over the past few years due to the fact that Brian and I always had a close relationship.  Today I woke up and noticed an email from her.  It was a video that she had taken of Jaylen a few months back when she had watched him.  In the email she said, "you will love this and hate it at the same time".  She was so right!  I woke up feeling good this morning and thought maybe today would be the first day that tears wouldn't be shed.  I was wrong.  When I watched the video, tears fell down my cheeks, but they were both tears of joy and sadness.  Joy because of the video and what it entailed, but sadness because of what I miss .  Anna has been through the heartbreak. She understands.  She may not have lost a child, but she lost her husband in a very traumatic way as well.  She gives me hope.  She is such an amazing person and I look up to her.

 As I face each new day, I know I will continue to shed tears of joy and sadness.  Hopefully as time goes on there will be more tears of happiness and that the memories we do have, will bring a smile to our faces.  It is hard to watch the videos and look at pictures now, but I know that one day they will be our greatest treasure.

When Jaylen was born and we were finally able to bring home after being in the NICU for five weeks. There was a presence that he brought to our home that was different than the rest of my children.  Of course I feel that all of my children are amazing, but there was something different about Jaylen.  Something so special.  I remember one day, Jaylen was maybe 10 months old or so, he was just sitting on our bed and I got emotional.  I looked at Mike and said, "there is something so special about this little boy.  It feels as if we have a special angel present in our home".  I had no idea how much truth those words would have until now.  As much as I struggle not having Jaylen here physically present, I know that he was sent to our family for a purpose.  I wish the purpose had been for him to stay longer, but I'm grateful that I got to have the most amazing two years with him that I did.  He is our angel and will always be.  I love you JAYLEN!