Surviving...

I woke up this morning sad.  I think each morning is difficult for me because I wake up realizing that what I am experiencing is real and that Jaylen is not here physically with us anymore.  Each morning I go around the house and open the blinds to all the windows because I love the natural light.  I debate each time I get close to Jaylen's room if I should go in there.  I do, of course, but every time, I question it.  It's so hard going in there and see his empty crib.  I was telling my mom last night that those are the reminders that tell me he was here with us.  Because he was with us was such a short time, sometimes I feel now that it was a dream that we even had him in our home because it was so short, too short.  I can't be angry with God and his plan, but at times I feel as if we were teased.  I feel like, why bless us with such an amazing spirit, only to know that he would not be with us very long??  It's so hard to understand and it is unfair.  This is one club I never wanted to be a part of.

It's amazing through this to realize how many people are in this same club. It is so sad!  So many parents have had to bury their children and you wonder why?  I truly don't think that there is anything worse that could happen to a parent than losing a child.  I won't deny how awful it is.  I've had so many emotions these past few days.  I know it is normal and I will have them for awhile, but it is hard.  I wake up angry, which turns to sadness, then as the day goes on, it gets a little better.  Mike and I have really tried to keep ourselves busy and as long as we do that we are ok.  It has been nice for Mike and I to be able to spend time together, just the two of us.  There is a lot of silence, but not in a bad way.  In that silence, there is a feeling of peace, but sadness too.  We have also had a lot of good talks and I don't think I could survive this without Mike and vice versa.  Jaylen has been a huge part of that too.  Mike and I both feel that Jaylen was a huge part of strengthening our relationship, before any of this.  At sometimes I wonder if he was preparing us?

We put Kaia to bed in here own bed every night, but she finds her way to our bed every night.  I laugh because we have a king size bed and no matter how big our bed is, she has to be laying right up next to me, almost pushing her body onto mine.  It is irritating at times, but now I try and enjoy it because you just never know what tomorrow will bring.  The night before Jaylen passed, he had woken up in the middle of the night.   Normally Mike or I would go in his room, check on him, get him situated better, and then he would go back to sleep.  That night though, Mike had been up due to stress at work and couldn't sleep.  He decided to bring Jaylen to bed with me.  Of all my children, Jaylen is my best sleeper.  He really didn't want to sleep anywhere but his bed, but that night, he layed next to me and we slept until 8:30 that morning.  I woke up with my beautiful baby boy next to me and who knew that it would be the last time?  Cherish those little moments that you have with your kids, because really, you just never know what tomorrow will bring.  Never in a million years did I think I would be here today, writing these thoughts, but this is my new reality.

Since we have been back in Texas, Mike and I haven't really wanted to do anything other than be together.  Some of our friends have been a little concerned.  It's not that we are trying to hide from the world, but it's hard to face people.  Anyway, last night we decided to go up the street to our friends house that we have spent a lot of time with since we moved here.  It was hard.  They had gotten a new puppy this summer that Jaylen absolutely loved.  Every time we were at their house, he would chase it around, pick it up, squeeze it when he would carry it, and dropped it a few times.  It got to a point that when we would go to their house, the dog would run and hide from Jaylen, it was funny.  Last night when we were there, it was hard when the puppy came running out of the house.  All I could picture in my mind was Jaylen running around trying to catch him.  Things like that is hard, knowing that I will never get to see him do that again.

 I think one of the hardest parts of this all is that every time I turn around there is something that reminds me of Jaylen.  Every time I drive somewhere, most places are places that the last time I was there, Jaylen was with me. A few days before the accident, I had been on the phone with a place that has tumbling classes.  We have been trying to get Kaia into something like that since we moved and I was wanting more information about it.  Two nights ago we decided to go and check it out.  While we were there, all Mike and I could think about was how much Jaylen would have loved to do something like that.  It's a place where there are trampolines, mats to do flips, somersaults, walk on balance beams.  Jaylen loved doing those things.  Kaia had so much fun and Ian even decided that he wants to do a jump class they have there.  We don't want our lives to stop because what has happened, but everywhere we go, every time we turn around, there is something that reminds us of what's missing.

I hate being out and Jaylen is not with us.  Whenever we go anywhere, for some reason, our kids have always stood out.  There isn't a place we could go without someone stopping us wanting to talk to our kids and compliment them.  Now when we are out, I hate that people only see two kids with us.  I have three kids and I want so badly to still have my three kids with me.  I was telling my mom how different it is going from taking care of the three of them, back to the two.  Kaia and Ian are at an age where they don't require a lot.  Jaylen consumed so much of our lives because he was still so dependant, even though he thought he could do it all himself.  It is such an adjustment and the house is so much quieter.  I miss the noise.  We are big TV people.  Even if we weren't watching it, it was always on Disney Junior or something, just for the noise.  Jaylen loved Disney Junior.  It's hard to have the TV on now.  Every time I hear one of the shows start and the music comes on, it stings a little.  I think there will be a lot of stings for the next little while.  Jaylen loved Little Einsteins, particularly the part when they are in the aircraft about to take off.  They do this little thing where they pat their legs as they are about to take off and yell blast off, then take off.  Jaylen and I use to sit together and do it as they would on the show.  I can hear him saying blast off in my mind over and over.  I will never look at that show the same.  I will always remember those little things that Jaylen and I did together.  He brought so much happiness, I can't even describe how much he brought to this family.

I've never been a big religious person.  I have always had a spiritual side to me, but religion is a whole new ball park.  Since all of this has happened, a new spiritual side has come out of me.  I don't know where it will direct me in the future, but I do know that I want to do all that I can so I am with Jaylen again.  The presence in our home has already changed.  I have never had a picture of Christ in my home, but since this, we have received some beautiful portraits.  Mike and I hung them up last night and I wouldn't want it any other way.  I want a peaceful spirit in our home now.  I want to feel Jaylen close.  I look at life so differently now and just want to be better in all aspects.