Baby Steps...

Jaylen was born ten weeks early.  My water broke in the middle of the night at 29 weeks.  The doctors were able to hold off delivering him for four days.  We were hoping that he would stay in for a few more weeks, but he just couldn't wait to get here.  I was terrified of what was to come when I was delivering him, but he came out so strong.  Being that early, the biggest concern is the lung development.  Jaylen came out screaming and was not once put on a ventilator to help him breath.  All the nurses in the NICU were amazed at how well he did.  He soared through his time in there.  The staff told me to plan on Jaylen being there until at least his due date, but he was released 5 weeks later, days before Halloween.  Two years ago, I had my beautiful 3 pound miracle home in my arms, healthy and perfect!!

Halloween 2011

 As his first year went by, he was slow to reach milestones, but it never stopped him.  He continue to grow, it took him until he was almost 11 months to crawl, but a week after his first birthday, he was walking.  From that moment, nothing has slowed him down and there was no sign of being a preemie.  He amazed us all!!

I look back on Jaylen and how his premature birth did not stop him from accomplishing the things he wanted to accomplish.  This morning I woke up early and started thinking about that.  It kind of made me think about this process I am experiencing now.  His death was so premature.  Burying a child is something that no parent ever thinks they will have to do, but it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY!  Jaylen pushed through his first year to not let his early arrival get him down, I am not going to let his premature death get me down either.  I will stumble, over and over, but I will pick myself back up and try again.  I have days that are bearable, days I float by, and days that I'm living minute by minute, but I have a will to learn and grow from this and will find my new way.  Jaylen inspired me from the moment he was here and he will continue to inspire me.

Truly an Angel

My parents have been here with us this past week, but last night they left to spend a couple days with my sister before heading back home.  It has been so nice and such a blessing.  Having company has helped fill some of the void in our home.  When we first got back from being in Utah, our home felt so quiet and empty.  While having them here, a part of that emptiness went away.  As we got home from being at the kids tumbling class last night, we were back to feeling a little bit of that emptiness.  There will always be a void, but with distractions around us, we don't notice it as much.  Now that it's back to just the four of us in the home, I feel that void very strongly again.  I know that if my parents could, they would have stayed for as long as we needed, but they need to get back to their home.

Always up to something!!

Each new day brings on a new challenge and with each new challenge, I have to take it on.  I have had numerous trials in my life, but this is by far my biggest.  There are days that I want to give up, but then I look at those big brown eyes of Jaylen and tell him, "I will be better because of you"!!  My other kids deserve a happy mom.  My husband deserves a loving wife.  Jaylen was given to me to teach me, and I think because of him, I am learning the biggest lesson in my life.