Dark Days

This past week has been an interesting one.  It started out pretty good, but as my parents left and we celebrated Halloween, it turned into a very dark week.  I think it has actually been one of the darkest since this has all happened.  I know that is part of the whole process, but the dark days are scary.  I live in each moment, trying to figure out how I'm going to make it to the next.  I've been fortunate to meet some other mom's who have lost children this past year as well.  It makes me sad to think of the reason I have met these amazing women, but they have been so helpful to me.  One night I was really struggling and didn't know where to turn.  I don't like to always go to Mike because he is struggling in his own way and with family and friends, they can be there, but don't fully understand the feelings that I'm experiencing.  Anyway, I decided to send a message to one of these mom's that night and she immediately responded, concerned, and was so ready to help me in any way that she could.  It amazed me that even though she is grieving for the loss of her baby boy, she was still there to do what ever she could to help me through that moment.  Both of these mother's that I have been talking with live in Utah, so I have yet to meet them face to face, but already feel a real connection to them.

There is just something about a mother losing her child.  We feel a connection with the baby once we find out we are pregnant.  Nine months before even meeting the child, there is a bond that is formed that is unbreakable.  Then the moment that child is layed on our chest after it's first breath, it's a love that can never be reversed.  I have so much love for all of my children.  I have tried to create a bond with each one of them individually and with Jaylen's passing, I am grateful that I was able to connect with him so deeply in those short two years.  There are days that I miss him so much that I just don't know how I'm going to go on another day.  I described to one of my friends that on most days, the simplest of tasks feel like I have an extra thousand pounds on my body as I try to complete them.  There are days I feel like I can't do one simple thing, getting dressed is an accomplishment.  Then, there are other days that I can get a lot done.  I told Mike that I need to take advantage of those days because there aren't too many of them.

 Halloween was a struggle.  I was doing okay for most the day, until it came time to get the kids ready to trick or treat.  We had a few extra pumpkins that had not been carved and Kaia kept begging me to help her carve them.  I really didn't want to and time was short, but I decided we would.  As I was helping her all I could think about was that I will never have the opportunity to carve a pumpkin with Jaylen.  He was too young last year to do it.   After we finished carving the pumpkin, we got ready to trick or treat.  Mike stayed home to hand out candy, so I took the kids out.  As I would walk from house to house, I would see other children that looked close to Jaylen's age and it was just sad.  Again, Jaylen was too young to understand what trick or treating was last year, but I know that he would have been loving it this year.  As I looked at these other parents with their young children, I just kept thinking to myself, "do they know how lucky they are?"  I would also ask myself, "why do they get to have their two year old and I don't?"  I know I shouldn't ask why, but it's hard not to.

I still fully believe that God does not take anyone before their time, but it's hard to accept that Jaylen's time was a short two years.  I'm at peace with his passing, but it doesn't mean that I'm okay with it.  Kaia and I went grocery shopping yesterday (another task that takes everything in me to do these days) and as we were pulling into the parking lot she says to me, "Mom, I wish that Jaylen just could have kept his wet pants on and we could've just put him in his bed after and he be okay."  I said, "Me too, Kaia, me too", but the reality is, that was not the plan for our sweet boy.  He was sent to us to teach us something.  I'm still trying to figure out all that it is and I'm not sure if I will ever fully understand, but I would take those two years over again in a heartbeat, knowing that he would be taken from me again.  He has changed my life forever.