Dreaded Mail

Such a cool little dude

I think I'm back to that numb stage.  I woke up yesterday in a mood of no feeling.  It's the feeling again of where I am here physically, but not aware of all that is going on around me.  I compare it to a bunch of scribbles on paper,  that is what my mind and head are feeling and saying.  There really are so many waves of emotions that come with this process.  

Mike and I this summer

When I got done with work yesterday, I asked Mike if he wanted to go on a walk.  The weather has been beautiful and I like taking advantage of it.  The kids were with friends playing so it was just Mike and I .  I really enjoy those moments where he and I can just walk and enjoy the peacefulness of being outside together.  We are able to talk about so many things and I'm just so grateful for the relationship that I have with him.  Experiencing something like this as parents, to our child, is unreal.  We still talk in disbelief and confusion.  There are still many days where we just stare into space, lost, but we are still waking up each day and going forward as much as we can.

When we got home from our walk, I grabbed the mail out of the mailbox.  We had received a large envelope from the mortuary.   Mike and I looked at each other, wondering what it could be.  Anytime we have received any type of mail that relates to the accident, Mike and I are hesitant to open it because it is a reminder of what happened.  I debated if I should open this envelope, but my curiosity got the best of me.  It was definitely not what I was expecting.  I didn't even have to pull the information out to know what it was.  I looked in there and knew that it was Jaylen's death certificate.  That was a horrible feeling to have that in my hands.  I think I still block a lot of the events out of my mind because if I don't, my days are worse.  Yesterday was a huge reality check, a punch in the stomach.  As parents, I think we all look forward to getting our child's birth certificate after they are born, but never anticipate seeing their death certificate.  Of all the certificates our children can earn in their lifetime, this is one that no parent should see.  It is the most uneasy feeling.  After I saw what it was, I  left it in the envelope, put it where I don't have to look at it, and let the tears flow.  

The loves of my life!

I have really tried to control when I show my emotion around my other kids.  I am very open about how it is okay to be sad and miss Jaylen.  If I cry, I express that it is okay as well, but I don't want them to see me crying as much as I do.  I feel that it's good for my children to understand emotion and that it isn't always bad to cry, but I also don't want them to grow up remembering that their mom was sad all the time.  When ever they cry about Jaylen, I let them express it all they want.  I don't ever want to teach them to hold it in, but I do feel that at times I need to control my emotions around them.  I don't cry all the time, but I have moments and a lot of times in those moments, I will excuse myself so they don't have to see it.  

Best Friends

There is a non-profit place in Fort Worth that is for families who have lost a close loved one.  It's called The Warm Place and we are taking our family there tomorrow.  I am really looking forward to it.  It is mainly for children who have lost someone close.  It's a place that they can interact with other children their age going through similar things.  Since the accident I have noticed the most change in Kaia and I'm hoping that this can help her.  At times I am at a loss on how to help her express her feelings, but I hear they do a play therapy with the children and I hope that it will help her.   Along with helping the kids, it has all the families gather monthly who are in our similar situation.  I'm looking forward to having that interaction.  I have already built a strong bond with a couple of other mom's who have lost a child also and it has been a saving grace for me.  These other mom's have helped me so much so I'm hoping that going to The Warm Place will be positive for not only my kids, but our whole family.