The Wave of Storms

This past week has been an interesting one.  I had some very positive days, but I know I can't get too comfortable with the positive days because I know more hard ones are to come. We had a good weekend, keeping busy.  Saturday night we had some friends come over for cards, which is nice and helps keep our minds off of the pain.  Then I got up early for church Sunday.  We have been attending my sisters church, which is about 35 minutes away and it starts at 8:30 in the morning.  I am not a morning person.  Having kids has helped me to become better, but I still struggle to get going in the mornings, especially now with trying to adjust without Jaylen.  Anyway, we made it to church and it has been an up and down battle there.  I know Satan is working hard on me because he wants me discouraged and sad.  He does not want me to overcome this heartbreak and he wants me mad at God.  I have never once been mad at God, but there are times that I get discouraged though because I want answers and can be impatient.  I did have a positive day at church though and people have been so nice to us.  After church, my kids always want to go to my sisters house to play with cousins so we went and spent a little time over there after.  I have really enjoyed living close to my sister again.  She has lived in Texas 11 years now so I wouldn't get to see her much except when she would visit, which was maybe twice a year.  Since moving here, we have been able to spent quite a bit of time together and I have really enjoyed it.  She and her husband have been a great support to Mike and I, along with all of their friends.

My sister Rebecca and I after Jaylen's funeral

As I woke up Monday my mood had changed from feeling hopeful and positive to missing Jaylen so much.  It is crazy how the emotions are so up and down and come in waves.  Those days that I feel positive, I have the attitude that I'm going to be fine, we are going to get through this (which I know we will), but on those other days, it's hard to get through each minute.  Since all of this has happened, I have not slept well.  I am getting sleep and not relying on the sleeping pills anymore, but I can tell I'm stressed in my sleep and don't sleep soundly.  The past two nights I have had some crazy dreams too.  I wish they were dreams of Jaylen coming to me, but they are more of me trying to get to him and can't.  It's amazing how dreams can be so parallel to what you are going through in your daily life at the time.  Even when I am asleep, I can tell that Jaylen is still on my mind constantly.  I don't think there is a second in the day that goes by where I don't think about him and question if I am really living this nightmare?  But it's like GroundHog Day, I wake up each day and relive another day without him.

As we have entered into November and the holiday season, I have tried to focus on the blessings I do have and the things I can be grateful for.  Despite this tragedy, I still have so much to be thankful for.  I have two amazing parents, who have been together 46 years and still are so in love.  They are a huge example to me and have been amazing parents to their eight children and grandparents to their 26 grandchildren.  I have siblings, who throughout our lives have had our differences, but when it comes down to it, I know that we are there for one another no matter what.  I have more recently gotten to know Mike's family better and feel fortunate to call them my family also.  I still have two healthy children here with me who brighten my days, even in these dark times.  I have a husband, who through our years and our struggles, has stuck by my side and vice versa.  He is an amazing father and loves me very much.  I work for an amazing company who has been more than understanding while I learn to adjust to my new life.  I have a warm house, food on the table, clothes to wear everyday, friends that check in on me constantly, etc. the list could go on and on.  Even in this horrific time in my life, I can still see all the blessings I have and I know God is carrying me through this.

My Family after Jaylen's funeral

 I walked in Walmart with Kaia last night to grab a few groceries.  As I walked in, they had already put out all their Christmas items.  As we start walking towards where we needed to go, they had display after display of toys that I would want to get Jaylen.  I see these things and I have to look away.  I know as we get closer to the holidays, it will be hard to see these things every where we go.  It's already hard just to be out, but with reminders that the holidays are approaching and Jaylen won't be here to celebrate with us will be a challenge.  I try not to let those things get me down and I really want to focus on the true meaning of Christmas this year.  I've never truly focused on the true meaning, but I hope I can help to serve more this Christmas and teach my kids more about the true meaning as well.  I know that I have a lot of hard times ahead, the good and bad days come in waves, but I know with bad days, good days will come too.