Sunday, December 7, 2014

A Search for Happiness

Christmas 2012


Christmas time use to be my most favorite time of year.  From the day Thanksgiving was over to January 1, I would listen to Christmas music non stop.  I loved being out and around town, seeing all the beautiful decorations and Christmas lights.  Walking through the malls, smelling the cinnamon roasted almonds cooking, hearing the jingle bells ring, and seeing the excitement on the kids faces as they would sit on Santa's lap.  There was always something so magical about this time of year.  Today, being almost 15 months into my journey, that has all changed.  I so badly want to be excited about this time of year.  I want those feelings that I use to have, but they are gone.  


We took the kids this past week to pick out a Christmas tree.  Kaia had been begging us since the day after Thanksgiving so we knew we needed to get it before she ran us crazy.  I think if it weren't for Ian and Kaia, Mike and I would probably skip on the normal Christmas traditions now.  It's hard to truly enjoy anything when something so big is missing.  As we got home from getting the tree, I got the lights set up and then let the kids decorate.  I sat back and watched, envisioning what it would be like to have Jaylen there in that moment. We were fortunate to have Jaylen with us for two Christmases, but of those two Christmases, he was at an age that he didn't really understand what was going on.  I remember our last Christmas with him here.  After we had decorated the tree, I learned shortly later that only the top half could have ornaments.  Jaylen thought that the ornaments were balls and would take them off, throwing them around the house.  I think he broke over a dozen ornaments that year.  What I wouldn't give to have him breaking ornaments this year.  

Lately I have really been struggling.  The pain is so different as time goes on.  I have heard that year two is more difficult than year one.  So far, I don't know how to compare the two other than they are different, but yet the same.  Year one for me was shock, confusion, broken, empty, soul searching, trying to make sense of it all, and so on.  So far my experience in year two is all of those things, along with wanting so badly to feel normal again, but "normal" is gone.  The tears still fall regularly, but the uncontrollable sobbing fest are more spread out and come at the most unexpected times.  I have thought a lot about the months leading up to Jaylen's accident.  We were in such a great place as a family.  I think we were happier than we had ever been.  Life wasn't perfect, but it felt pretty close to that.  As the numbness has slowly worn off, I have craved to feel that pure and blissful feeling lately.  As I had been craving that blissful feeling, I was searching for ways to get that back in my life.  Seeking old habits, thinking that maybe doing some of the things we use to do would maybe bring a part of that back.  What I realized though, is that no matter what I do in life, nothing can bring back that true happiness that was once there.  

Daddy and Jaylen have an undeniable bond
Mike and I were on a walk the other night.  It was just the two of us, which rarely happens, but so nice to have that time to talk.  He doesn't open up to me much about his feelings on Jaylen, but he did that night.  I'm always grateful to have those conversations with him because a lot of times I think we both try to stay strong in each others presence so we don't bring the other one down.  In all reality though, our thoughts are the same.  We both think about Jaylen non stop.  What life would be like right now?  What would Jaylen being playing with, saying?  How tall would he be and so on... So many questions that run through our minds on a daily basis.  Then, along with that, every little boy that we see just tugs at our a hearts a little more.  We have both said how badly we wish that pure happiness was still there. We have so much to be grateful for.  We have a good life and continue to have so many blessings come our way, but that doesn't change the fact that a huge part of us is gone.  We have both realized that we can be "happy", we have "happy" moments, but know that the complete and utterly, blissful feeling of happiness will not be there until we are whole again and all together.  Not to say that we can't be happy, we have had many happy moments since, but it will just never be the same.  And honestly, how can it be??  

Today is my brother Brian's birthday.  If he were here today, he would be turning 38.  I think about how much has changed in my family's lives the past, almost six years.  If you would have asked me six years ago if I thought I would have a brother and son in Heaven I would have laughed.  Those things don't happen to me...at least that's what we all think, right? Well, those things do happen and I'm living it first hand now.  Losing people so close to you is hard to imagine, until it actually does and you realize how easily it can happen.  It changes you deeply.  I not only cherish each moment a little more, I also fear each moment because I know that it could be our last.  As I continue on this journey, each day is a stepping stone.  Some days that stone is very unsteady, others day it's a little stronger, but slowly I am moving forward, one step at a time.   

LOVE this picture!!
 My nephew drew it after Jaylen's passing.