A New Addition...

On October 4, 2015 we welcomed Taysen Anthony Garner to our family.  He was born at 33 weeks gestation, weighing 4 pounds 6 ounces and 17 inches long of perfection.  I had been admitted to the hospital six days earlier due to having contractions.  At 25 weeks into my pregnancy I was put on bed rest at home and we were fortunate to have Taysen stay put for another eight weeks.  On the night of October 3, Kaia and Ian had a slumber party with me at the hospital.  Little did we know that Taysen would make his appearance the following day.  We joke that he was just ready to join the party with his brother and sister because my water broke the following morning while the kids were still at the hospital with me.  Luckily we had time for someone to come pick up the kids and Mike to get there before he did come.  It definitely wasn't a fast, crazy delivery like Jaylen was, but still came earlier than we had hoped for.  We have been so fortunate with how well our kids have done being born so early.  

Being transported to Cook Children's Hosptial

After Taysen was born, he had to be transported to the NICU at Cook Children's Hospital in downtown Fort Worth because the NICU at the hospital I delivered at was full.  When Mike and I were told that he was being transported to that hospital, our hearts sank.  The only experience we have had with that hospital is the day that we lost Jaylen.  He was life flighted there, only for us to arrive and be told that he didn't make it. So you can imagine the hesitation Mike and I had about Taysen going there, even though Cook's is known to be an amazing hospital.  Luckily, the experience we had with Taysen was much different and after two short, but long weeks, he was able to come home and be with his family.  The staff treating Taysen was amazing and our experience was much better.  I remember after losing Jaylen, telling Mike that I pray we never have to go to that hospital again.  In some ways, I feel as if Taysen was meant to go there so we could have a better, more positive experience, which we did.  

My first time holding Taysen, 1 day old

Today as I stare at Taysen, it seems unreal.  I look at him in constant disbelief that he is here and real. After losing Jaylen, our hearts were so broken.  We knew we wanted more children, but after not having success for about a year, we thought maybe it wasn't in our cards.  Then to get pregnant, only to have it end in miscarriage, we were devastated once again.  So as I look at Taysen and what it took to get him here, I can't be nothing more than grateful.  Grateful to have another little one to love and raise.

Dreaming of Jaylen, or at least I like to think so...

Having a child is one of the greatest blessings that two people can be given.  Losing a child is probably the worst experience two people can go through and having a child after losing one is incredible, but also opens up a whole new set of emotions.  I have been missing Jaylen a lot lately.  I miss him every second, but my heart hurts a little more lately.  It hurts because I look at Taysen and am heartbroken that he and Jaylen won't get to grow up together.  I often wonder what they would've been like together, getting in trouble and causing havoc.  You know with two young boys, it would definitely create some chaos that I would gladly love to experience, but I don't get that.  All I get is to wonder how Jaylen and Taysen would be together.  I strongly believe that Taysen knows his brother very well though and that they got to spend some special time together before Taysen was born.  Often times when Taysen is sleeping and gives a little smile in his sleep, I like to believe that he is remembering his time with Jaylen.  I know that he knows his brother and I know that Jaylen will always be a part of Taysen's life, I just wish it was in a physical presence.

 

One will always be missing

The first day that Kaia and Ian got to go to the hospital to see Taysen was such a sweet moment.  Their hearts were broken the day we lost Jaylen too so to have another little brother to love on has been so fun for them.  Their eyes lit up the moment they got to see him and they fell in love instantly too.  As I was watching the kids interact with him for the first time and as I took a picture of the three of them, all I could notice was that Jaylen was missing.  In this joyous moment, my heart sank because all I could think about was that Jaylen isn't here.  There should be four kids in this picture, but you only get to see three.  That was the only thing I noticed in that special moment and it's heartbreaking.  There will never be the four of them in a picture together.  I will never get a picture of Jaylen and Taysen together.  I never knew that so much love and heartache can happen in the same moment.

 

I am SO GRATEFUL for Taysen though.  He definitely is a huge blessing that we had been hoping for.  As much as my heart hurts for Jaylen, my heart is over flowing with happiness that Taysen is here, healthy and strong.  There is a different feeling with this baby from my others.  I think when you lose something so special, you really learn to value each moment.  I have lost a baby so I know that it can happen.  With every cry that Taysen makes, every poopy diaper, all the lack of sleep that I am getting, etc...my attitude is different.  I cherish the moment.  I appreciate that I have this chance to love and raise another child.  My heart hurts and will always hurt that Jaylen is not here, but my heart is also so full that we have Taysen.

So in love and grateful!! 

Daddy's pretty happy too!!