Better Days

The past few days have been a little better.  There still is not a day that goes by where I don't shed tears, but I haven't had the unbearable moments that I experienced last week.  I feel in some ways that I have been blessed to block a lot of it out of my mind this week.  I've noticed that if I don't allow my mind to start thinking too deeply, I am okay.  Most the tears shed now are because of how much I miss him.  The other day I was struggling because the longer it goes, the more I feel that I dreamt Jaylen was here.  His time was so short with us, but we have all the pictures and memories to remind us that he was with us and that I didn't dream it.  To help me feel a little better, I woke up this morning and started writing down all my memories of Jaylen.  Before I knew it, I had two pages full. I also decided to ask my kids to tell me their memories.  It was so sweet and I know that in years to come, we will love going back and read everything.  He is such a light to our family.

Kara and her daughter Mia

Over the years I have built some great friendships and through this tragedy it has really strengthened some.  I have a friend who does not go a day without checking in on me.  She has a busy life, she's a working mother and wife, but still does not forget about what I am going through daily.  Along with not only checking on me, she has been to visit Jaylen's grave probably four or five times.  Every time she goes, she will send me a picture.  She and her five year old daughter take a car every time and read him a story.  Even though she has a lot going on, she still takes out time to check in on my little boy because she knows it's important to me and I can't be there to do it.  Kara, I love you and am so grateful for your friendship!!  

We were able to pick out Jaylen's headstone before we came back to Texas after the funeral.  The reason we did it so quickly was because there are certain times of the year that the stone can be set.  In Utah, I think it has to be done by the end of October.  My brother passed away four years ago.  He had a temporary stone set until a permanent stone had been picked out.  With everything that went on after my brother's incident, it took a while to get the headstone done, but his wife finally found the one she loved and coincidentally it was ready to be set right after Jaylen's accident.  We were able to put together the perfect headstone for Jaylen and it was able to be set the same day as my brother's.  It turned out perfect.  As hard as it was picking out the headstone, I'm grateful that we were able to have it done before the snow fell.  There is nothing worse than sitting in a stone store designing your two year old's headstone, but for the mindset we were in, I think we picked a pretty good one.  

My mom leaving balloons for Jaylen and Brian

 I'm not a huge fan of the cemetery.  When my brother passed away, I always felt him close while on a run.  I feel the same with Jaylen.  I'm so grateful that I have friends and family that will visit him.  I plan to every time I am in Utah, but I don't think of Jaylen there.  I feel his spirit here with us.  I know that is the resting place for his physical body, but his spirit still lives and he is close.  I talk to him every time I am on a run and I feel him with me. 

On one of our walks this summer

We went on a walk as a family the other night for the first time since the accident.  It was something that I have wanted to do, but wasn't sure if I was ready to.  We did it all the time before the accident and it was something we looked forward to doing all together.   Many times Jaylen would insist on riding his power wheel for the start of it, but half way through we would be carrying it and he would be in and out of the stroller as he would explore all around him.  I was nervous to start walking again, there are so many great memories of us doing it this summer and I feared the feelings that I would have going without him.  It definitely was different, but I was still able to enjoy it.  I knew he was missing.  I wished he was right there with us, but I'm grateful that we were able to take that step and do something that we used to.  All that we do now is different, there is a void, but we are learning to adjust.  I still struggle every day, but I feel that we, as a family, are surviving this tragedy and not letting it get the best of us.  I still struggle looking at the pictures, I have not been able to watch any videos, but we are taking those baby steps to move towards our new normal.  I'm hopeful and I'm grateful that I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel.