The past few months have been a roller coaster ride, but I guess when it comes to grief, that is the way life is. There are days of steadiness, even a little incline, but then there are those big, downward dips that make your stomach drop and the feelings seem to linger for awhile. With a loved one gone, particularly a child, the holidays just aren't the same. I don't necessarily even know that it was because of the holidays that I was feeling so broken, I think it is just part of this journey. The journey of living life broken. No matter how great my life is and can be, there will always be a little part that is broken and won't be made whole until we are all together again.
About a week before Christmas, there were four or five nights consecutively where I had dreams with my brother Brian in them. It was quite odd to me because I haven't dreamt of Brian in quite a while. Dreams always stand out to me, especially when they are distinct and I can remember them the next day. Whenever I get to have a dream with Jaylen or Brian in it, I feel so lucky. It's as if they are with me in that moment and I enjoy every minute of them. As the dreams continued through out the week, I couldn't help but think that Brian was close. I don't dream of Brian often, so to have him there for a week straight in a time of desperation, could be of no coincidence. I have learned quickly from losing Jaylen that there really isn't much coincidence in this life. I don't know how it is all orchestrated, but there is a master and we truly are not in control. It can be so scary to think about in some ways, but in other ways, such a beautiful thing. It reminds me of a primary song that I have just recently heard Kaia playing on her music player a lot. The song is called, "I Will Follow God's Plan" written by Vanja Y. Watkins and the lyrics are,
My life is a gift; my life has a plan.
My life has a purpose; in heav'n it began.
My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth
And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.
I will follow God's plan for me,
Holding fast to his word and his love.
I will work, and I will pray;
I will always walk in his way.
Then I will be happy on earth
And in my home above.
I don't know why that song has played over and over in my mind recently other than the fact that the lyrics seem to have such true meaning. Our lives are a gift and there is a plan for each and every one of us.
Mike and I have really hoped to have more children and at the end of September we found out that we were expecting. After almost a year of trying, we were ecstatic and shocked. For it to take so long, it didn't seem real. We have never really struggled to get pregnant so the fact that it took so long, our hopes were down and we weren't sure that we would have that opportunity again. At our six week check up we saw a beautiful, strong heartbeat and learned that we would have a beautiful baby in our arms this coming June. As we had been living with broken hearts for the past year, we were excited to have the opportunity to expand our family and love another child once again. Unfortunately, life as we know it, doesn't always go as planned. At our eight week appointment, the doctor was unable to find a heartbeat and I ended up miscarrying this baby at nine weeks along. We were devastated and it took me about five steps back in my grief. I don't speak of this for sympathy, but rather to show that trials continue. Just because we have lived the unimaginable, does not mean that we are spared from more trials. It has made me really have to search deeper in trying to understand my path and the path of our family. I have had to tell myself over and over that I have to trust God's plan. The plan I have had layed out in my mind is far different than what he has chosen for me, but in the end, he is who knows what is best. I have to put it in to perspective of a young child, hearing my parents tell me No to something. I would throw tantrums, not understanding why they would say No, but they had their reasons and it was only because they wanted what was best for me. As hard as it is to try and understand why Jaylen had to go on ahead of me, along with life continuing to not go as planned, I have to have faith that God is only doing what he knows is best for me and my family. As a young child, I didn't understand the reasoning behind my parents saying No to things, but now as a parent, I understand more. I hope and believe that the same will be when we are reunited with Jaylen and in God's presence once again.
