Time Keeps Going
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| Too Cute!!! |
I woke up this morning early. I'm not sure if it was because Kaia kept elbowing me in my back or what, but the moment I wake, my mind goes straight to Jaylen. It is always on Jaylen, but when the house is quiet and dark, it goes to the thoughts that I don't like so I decided to get up and write. The past week has been a pretty decent one. I have been able to function in a decent manner which is nice, but it is still not easy. Never in my life have I wanted so badly to just feel normal again. I so badly wish I could wake up with no pain, look forward to the day, have my mind relax for just one minute, but it has been just over two months since the accident. I know that it is going take a lot longer than that and my normal will never be what it was.
Mike and I were able to spend a night together this weekend. We had originally planned a night away, but just didn't feel like going too far. My sister had planned on taking Ian and Kaia over night originally and they were really looking forward to it so they went anyway. I have always looked forward to a little time with just Mike and I. Life is busy with three kids and it's nice to have the time together, but it was a lot different this time. I still enjoyed the time, but it was too quiet. Our house is already too quiet without Jaylen, then to have Ian and Kaia not here either, it was just too empty. We were able to get most our Christmas shopping done which was nice, but I sure did miss my kids more that I normally would for being gone just one night. They had a great time though and I wouldn't want it any other way.
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| Christmas 2011 |
A lot of people have asked me lately how I am doing now that the holidays are approaching and I can honestly say that I don't think it makes a difference. I don't think my day will be any different today then how I will feel tomorrow on Thanksgiving, or even in a month on Christmas. The pain is still there, Jaylen is not coming home. The heartbreak doesn't get stronger on holidays, I miss him every single minute, and it will be that way whether it's a holiday or not. The void is there regardless. It makes me sad that he only was able to celebrate two Thanksgivings and two Christmases with us, but it makes me sad that I don't get to have Monday of next week with him either. That is why I have to focus on making these holidays positive, finding something positive to do. I hope to be able to help others this holiday season, even if it's something small. I need a purpose now and there is nothing better that helping others.
We went to The Warm Place last week and the kids really enjoyed it. I think it will be a very positive thing, but it was a challenging day. They needed to know about the accident and how we were doing so far. Any time that we have to relive that night, it puts us in a very dark place. Mike and I really struggled the whole day after we left. I know it is good to talk about and some day I think we will be able to go there, but at this point, it is just so painful still. I have to block it out, if I don't, it is unbearable. The memories are way too vivid and they aren't good ones. There was so much hope that night that was shattered. Kaia and Ian both have come into my room this week, crying, telling me that they miss Jaylen. Nothing breaks my heart more that seeing my kids crying for their little brother. Most times, I just cry with them and let them know that it's okay. That he is here watching over us and we will be with him again. So, I hope that with time and going to The Warm Place, we will all be in a better place.
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| Silly faces |
Last night was tumbling for the kids, which they are really enjoying. Afterwards we took them to Peter Piper Pizza to have a little fun. I have only been there once since we have lived here, it was for Kaia's birthday and Jaylen was with us. It's hard to have those memories of something he was with us doing the last time. There are a lot of last times and it just sucks, point blank! We then came home and watched a movie. As we were watching the movie, I started taking pictures with Kaia as she was making funny faces. Then I had Ian get in some with us. As I looked at the pictures after, I couldn't help but see the big void in it. Jaylen should be in it with us, but he is not. I still don't understand, I don't know that I will until I am with him again, but I do know that he is something amazing. Too good for this evil world and I know he is watching closely over us here. He wants his family happy and he is making sure we will be.
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| Missing one |
My Dearest Jane, it has taken me forever to write you because there are NO words of comfort and probably at this point of even hope to say. I know in the depth of your conscience and soul you do have that hope that you have known your entire life. With the deplorable accident, I appreciate your sharing your writings and life with us. You will plant so many seeds and the heavens will open to you with many in the WORLD that will want to connect to you and in your writings BE FED by your FAITH, TRUST, HOPE and your BRUTAL HONESTY as each day, you plant both feet firmly on the ground, when your broken heart says otherwise. How absolutely incredible how our Lord truly is using the RAYS OF SUNSHINE in Jaylen's life to plant those seeds to so many moms and dads that feel like they can't go on, and Jane, that is because in your brokenness (without your understanding or even realizing it), The Lord is using you in a mighty way! I was a member of Rick and Kay Warren's Saddleback Valley Church and have remained friends with Kay. Although, I am sure you now know about Matthew and his suicide, Kay speaks that she realizes even if she knew the answers as to "why" and "what if"; those answers would still bring no comfort. Jane, I want you to know that every single night of my life, living here in Goochland, VA, I am on my knees praying for you and Mike and for a peace that only Heavenly Father can provide will just enfold you. I think of you during the day and pray that on "THIS" day your smile will linger just a little bit longer. OOO, by the way, I am Martha, the neighbor back-in-the day of your parents and family. I was the strongest Southern Baptist that ever walked the sidewalks and skied the slopes at Little Cottonwood Canyon. In the 5 years I lived there, it is an understatement to say how very much I loathed the "Church" and was literally scared to death of all my neighbors. And then along came your mama! I only ever attended ONE Ward meeting and that was of the baby blessing of JANE CARDALL. In my entire life, all the places I had lived and churches I had worshipped in, to this day I have never witnessed or experienced anything like it -- to the point, I remember the prayer and details just like it was yesterday. So how very appropriate when I FINALLY moved away from Salt Lake and the neighbors gave me a going away party with gifts, your precious Mother, who never once in her life was never ashamed of her testimony or the Gospel of Christ wrapped up and gave me "The Book of Mormon". So the seed was planted; and too many years later over the shocking grief and passing of my mother, I quit my job, took daily to the sofa, and eventually realized with clarity exactly where my mother was, and in so doing, after all those years, as an old woman, now, FINALLY picked up the Book of Mormon and yes, found the answers to all my questions. So your family is definitely an internal extension of my family and conversion process. You truly are a very beautiful woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt and best friend to many. So on the day of Thanksgiving, as impossible as it is, count each blessing and name them one by one. I sincerely hope and wish to meet you one day and give you my motherly hug! Thinking of you often!
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