Can I wake up yet?

My love!

I have sat down at the computer a few times this past week, but just have not had it in me to write.  I write to let my emotions out, along with making a journal of events so hopefully I will be able to look back one day and see that I "made it" through this horrible nightmare.  I've had a really up and down week, I don't know if it's because of the holiday season or what, but my emotions have been all over the place.  

Thanksgiving turned out to be a really good day for me, which I was grateful, but Mike struggled a bit.  I'm grateful that not all of our bad days are on the same day.  When one of us is down, it helps that the other isn't so we can be the rock for that day.  It's not always like that, there are days where we both really struggle, but fortunately there aren't too many.  We were able to spend Thanksgiving at my sister's house with a few other families that are friends of my sister.  It is so nice to have her so close.  I think it makes the holidays a little easier, not feeling so far away from home.  Texas feels like home now definitely, but Utah is always "home".  My family is there, my closest friends are there, and Jaylen's resting spot is there so I can't help but feel far away at times.  

Last weekend we took the kids to pick out a Christmas Tree.  This is our first year to have a real tree. I have always used an artificial one because I am horrible at remembering to water plants, flowers, etc.  Anytime I have had a plant, it has not lasted very long because I don't know how to keep it alive.  Anyway, when we moved we had to leave a lot of things behind because I rented the wrong size moving truck and we couldn't fit all our stuff in it.  We ended leaving our artificial tree (an unimportant item) and so it's our first year experiencing a real tree.  I love the smell of it.  I walk in my home and it smells like Christmas.  Decorating the tree was a hard moment for me though.  I couldn't help but think about Jaylen not being here to enjoy these moments.  I remember last year that within a few days of decorating,  Jaylen had broke maybe four or five ornaments because he would take them off the tree thinking it was a ball to play with.  By Christmas, I think I had removed almost all the ornaments on the bottom half so he could not get to them.

 As I was watching Kaia and Ian decorate the tree, getting so excited, I couldn't help but feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach.  I've always been pretty OCD when it comes to how my tree looks.  After the kids decorate, I like to go in and fix it to look how I would want it, but this year I didn't care.  The little things don't matter to me anymore.  As the kids were pulling out the ornaments, they pulled some out that they had made in previous years.  Some with pictures of them on them and it was funny because I looked at those ornaments and got emotional.  It made me realize that I will never have an ornament that Jaylen will make at school with his picture on it.  Of all my ornaments, that is one that I want, but will never get.  

As I was pulling out the stockings, there was no doubt that I was going to hang five of them. I was frustrated though because we don't have a fireplace with a mantle this year so I was trying to figure out where to hang them all together.  I have a shelf on our wall, but it only has four hooks and I was not about to leave Jaylen out. I ended up taping the fifth stocking in-between all the hooks.  I never want to leave Jaylen out of anything, even if he isn't here physically.  I sit here everyday wondering how this really is my reality??  My two year old son is not here to experience his third Christmas with us.  I still don't understand it.  There are days that I just wish I could wake up and it all be over, the nightmare was really a nightmare, and Jaylen be here, but that's not the case.  Some days I really do feel like I'm having an outer body experience and that I'm not really living this.  The range of emotions are just so out there.  

I miss him so much!!!

We were driving to church last Sunday morning, I was feeling a little emotional that morning and as I looked in the back seat, I could see Kaia was too.  I asked her if she was okay and she said "no".  We started talking a little bit about Christmas and how we get to go to Utah to see family in a few weeks. A few minutes later, Kaia says to me, "Mom, do you think when we go to Utah, we could build a stairway to Heaven, get Jaylen and bring him home with us?"  Talk about break my heart.  She says the sweetest things out of no where and I'm amazed at the thoughts she has.  As hard as this has been for Mike and I, I see in my kids, the hurt and confusion that they have.  I've always heard that the months after the accident are when it gets hard.  After the shock has warn off and the reality of it all starts to sink in.  I think for me, I go through a cycle of emotions and have since this all happened, but I can see my kids starting to struggle now.  I'm so grateful that we have The Warm Place to go to for them because I am at a loss on how to help them.  Mike and I are learning how to handle our own grief, then to watch Kaia and Ian struggle, but not be able to express what they are feeling is tough.  I have heard nothing but positive things about The Warm Place so I'm grateful that it is available to them and us as a family.  Our first real appointment is Monday night, so I am looking forward to getting them involved in it. 

After my marathon July 2012

Since all of this has happened, I have tried to think of how I can turn Jaylen's tragedy into something positive.  As I was on a run last Saturday morning, I had an idea come to mind.  Running has always been very therapeutic to me and after my brother died, I started running more and more.  The year after my brother passed, my family ran a relay race called Ragnar, in memory of him.  After that race, I started wanting to run more.  Since his passing, I have ran a few half marathons and completed my first marathon in July 2012.  It was a huge accomplishment and one I always wanted to do.  Anyway, running is where I feel close to Jaylen and where maybe I can make a difference.  The idea came to mind that I will start looking for races in my area that benefit a good cause.  As I started thinking about this, I know that me, as one person, can't make a difference, but if I get more people involved, maybe we, as a whole, can make a difference.  After I came home from my run last week, I got on the computer and emailed my family my idea.  I thought, if I can get them involved and they get their friends involved, maybe we can make a little bit of difference in someone else's life by signing up for these races, bringing more awareness to the cause and our entry fee going towards the cause.  So my thought was, I will use Jaylen's Spreading Sunshine for Jaylen Facebook page to hopefully post of races available to run.  Maybe as I post these races, people will want to join in, participate and post races that they are aware of too.  It would be good too because we're not only running for a good cause but getting in shape at the same time.  Not only would people have to run, I know they have walk-a-thons as well, where it may be easier for some who can't run or don't like to.   I don't know if it will ever be anything that will make a huge difference, but it is something that I look forward to do and maybe others will follow in my steps.  Jaylen was the kind of child that would've made a difference in this world if he had been given the opportunity, so I hope that even though he is not physically here, something good will come from this tragedy.

St. George half marathon January 2013

Ian, my sister and running buddy, Caron, with her son Jackson