Dim Light

I think last week was one of the toughest weeks I have endured yet.  I'm not sure if it was because of the weather here or what, but it was one long week.  Moving from Utah to Texas you wouldn't think that an inch of snow would make the whole town shut down, but that is exactly what happened here.  I remember growing up in Utah and wishing so badly that school would get cancelled after a big storm, but rarely would that happen.  Last week I experienced the first winter storm in Texas and ended up not leaving my house for three days.  The kids schools shut down for two days, along with most businesses.  It was so different than what I have experienced in Utah and I think it added to my gloom.  Not seeing the sun shine, looking outside to see an inch of ice on the roads, then not leaving the house, it put me in a real downer.  I need sunshine.  I have always loved the warm weather, blue skies and the sun shining bright.  Sunshine brings happiness, just like my Jaylen.  

Fun in the sun are my favorite days

This Christmas season has been quite different from past years.  This time of year is usually my favorite.  I love Christmas music, love feeling the excitement in the air, but it's just not there.  I have not been able to listen to much Christmas music.  I have not felt the excitement around me.  All I think about is what is missing this year and what will not be here in the years to come.  It breaks my heart that I only got to spend two Christmases with Jaylen.  Nothing is better that waking up on Christmas morning and seeing the excitement on your kids face.  This year would have been the first year that Jaylen understood a little bit and I looked forward to experiencing that with him.  It just goes to show that you can't live for the future.  You have to live each minute in that moment because we never know what is to come.  I never thought that I would only get two Christmases, two Easters, two summers, one birthday, and so on.  None of us are promised tomorrow and now that this has happened, I know that I am not immune.  We always think it won't be us, but I can't think that way anymore.  

Our first appointment with The Warm Place was cancelled due to the weather and I was devastated.  My kids were devastated as well.  I know they have really looked forward to going and now we don't have our first group until January.   I also was looking forward to it because I have noticed my kids struggling more.  Kaia talks about Jaylen all the time and it is so hard.  She just doesn't understand, she wants to be with him now.  She told me the other day that she doesn't want to wait to see Jaylen, she wants to go now.  It is devastating to hear my five year old tell me these things.  One major challenge in all of this is as I'm trying to adjust to this new life and grieving, my kids are as well.  While I'm trying to figure out how to handle it all, I have to figure out how to help my kids too.  They are hurting, but when kids hurt, they don't always express in the way we need them too.  It becomes a challenge.  I've noticed that because I am hurting, I can become short with them and I don't want to be that mom, especially because I know now, more than ever, how precious our time is.  People tell me that hearing of my experience has made them a better parent.  I want to be a better parent as well, but at times I have nothing in me to give.  I hope that my children always know how much I love them and understand that this is an adjustment for all of us.  I think as kids, our parents make us feel so secure.  You never realize how much your parents went though, until you actually become a parent.   I hope that even though I make mistakes daily, my kids know that I am trying my best.

Jaylen at about 7 months old

We are headed to Utah on Christmas Day to spend time with family and friends.  It will be nice to be close to everyone again, but it will be another first.  The first time back in Utah since Jaylen's funeral. It will be the first time we head to the cemetery to visit our baby boy.  I know it will bring on a whole new set of emotions.  Sometimes I wish I could just push them all away and move forward, but unfortunately that is impossible.  My faith has really been tested this past week, I think more so than it ever has.  I have had questions that have never come to my mind before.  Sometimes it's easier to just go with the feeling rather than trying to figure it all out.  Those feelings that I felt so strongly in the beginning have left.  In the beginning, I felt arms wrapped around me so tight.  I felt so safe and protected, which seems impossible to feel in such a time of desperation.  As the time has passed though, the arms have slowly loosened to the point that I can't feel them anymore.   I feel as if I'm on my own trying to push through and at times I don't know how I'm doing it.  There are a few parents that I have been in contact with that all say the same thing.  We are so blessed with the comfort we feel in the beginning, it's something that you can't really describe unless you have experienced it yourself.  They all have said that the later months are where it gets tough and I'm starting to realize that now.  Somehow, someway it will be better one day, but it will be a long road with a lot of bumps on the way.  

My rock and best friend

I feel blessed that I have the love and support that I do.  I could not do this without my friends and family.  My husband still makes sure I am okay each and every day.  If I cry, his shoulder is there.  He is broken himself, but he never forgets about me.  I have friends who check on me constantly.  They may not think it's a big deal, but it means a lot.  Especially on those days where I'm living minute by minute.  Then, I have made friends with other women who have experienced this same tragedy, unfortunately.  I can honestly say though, we will be friends for life.  I look forward to a face to face reunion with them one day soon.  


The 21st day of each month is a dreadful day.  It is approaching quickly this month and it will be three months since I've seen my baby boy alive.  Three months since I felt his little warm body.  I miss holding him.  I miss watching him line his cars up one by one on the couch.  I miss the excitement in his eyes when he would see me first thing in the morning.  Three months feels so long, but in forever, it is a blink of an eye.  I hope the day Jaylen and I reunite, it will feel like it was just that, a blink, because it sure feels far away.