Three Months...sigh

I miss him more and more each day

The three month mark has come and gone and as the months roll by, the pain I feel does not lessen.  It almost has become more because the shock has warn off and the reality that Jaylen is not coming home becomes more apparent. I go to sleep each night hoping to wake up to a new reality, that it was just a horrible dream, but the truth is, it is a horrible nightmare that I will live each day until we are reunited.  I will say, not every day is horrible, but it still is a challenge to wake up each day and live in this new normal.  I do have "good" days, but with those good days, there are just as many, if not more, bad days.  The one bearable thing about the bad days, is that I know a good day will come.

It has been very hard to feel the Christmas spirit this year. This time of year is usually my absolute favorite.  The spirit of Christmas usually brings such excitement and joy, but Mike and I were talking the other day and we both can not wait for it to be over.  I am so ready for the holidays to be done and a new year to start.  With a new year, I know my thoughts and feelings about Jaylen will not change, but I'm looking forward for life to slow down again.  Christmas time seems so busy and hectic, some days I feel that I don't even have a minute to breath.  I hate going any where right now.  You walk into a store and it's pure madness.  I don't have the energy or desire to be around that.  Since Jaylen's accident my mind has felt like like a bunch of scribbles on a piece of paper, so when I approach any store right now, it just adds to it and I'm already worn out just living day to day.  I look forward to some calmness again, even if it's just a little bit.

On Saturday I approached the stores one last time to get the stocking stuffers for my kids.  As I was walking around the store trying to figure out what I would get to fill them, I thought of Jaylen's stocking that will not be filled this year. I hung all five stockings up because he still is a huge part of our family, but it will not get filled.  For a moment, I thought, maybe I should buy some things to fill it, but then again, it would just sit there on Christmas untouched.  Either way, it will not be an easy morning.  Jaylen's stocking will either hang on the hook alone, or be filled and not touched.  I think that is one of the biggest challenge of this whole process, no matter what you do, there is a constant reminder that your child is missing.  It's not a trial that can be solved or just go away, it is something that I will work through daily for the rest of my life. Will it get easier with time?  Probably...but it will never end or go away.

At church yesterday in my Sunday School class, we were having a discussion on families being together forever. A sweet woman, who is probably in her late seventies, told a story of her first child, a daughter, who passed away in her womb at seven months.  As she began to tell of her story, she got extremely emotional talking of this child that she looks forward to being with again.  Listening to her, talking about the child she has been missing for all these years really effected me.  This sweet woman, still all these years later, mourns the loss of her sweet child.  I think of my sweet grandmother all the time also.  She lost a daughter, three days after she was born, unexpectedly.  My grandmother is almost 94 years old and has gone all these years missing her daughter.  The thought of being apart from Jaylen that many years is daunting. It did make me realize though, it will get easier, but missing him will never go away.  I don't think there will ever be a day go by where I will not think of Jaylen and miss him until that day I am reunited with him.  Whether it be a few short years or fifty, I will mourn for him and look forward to the reunion.  

My grandma and grandpa a few years before his passing.
She is an inspiration to me and one of my heroes!!

  
We head out to Utah on Christmas Day to spend some time with family and friends.  I look forward to being with them.  I'm grateful for the family and friends that I have.  I could not survive each day without them.