Hard Day

Today has been an extremely hard day.  I think that I have been very blessed the past few days because I was doing surprisingly well, but it all fell apart today.  Mike and I attempted the gym again.  I had made a new play list of music,which has been very comforting, but it is emotional too.  As we got half way through our workout, my body just gave out and I couldn't do anymore.  I broke down.  I miss Jaylen so much it hurts!!  I sit and watch as everyone around me are going on with their lives and in the back of my mind, all I can think about is that I just lost my baby boy.  I would give anything to go back to two and a half weeks ago, being one of those people that just has their every day problems.

Mike and I have really tried to keep ourselves busy while the kids are at school.  Every day we just walk around stores, attempt the gym, or just grab something to eat away from home.  It is hard.  Everywhere we go there is something that reminds us that our little boy is not with us.  We will see something in a store that Jaylen would have loved, at a restaurant, seeing something that he would like to eat, or just seeing a child around his age.  It's something that we can't escape, but hopefully with time, those wounds won't hurt as bad.

I've had a hard time looking at Jaylen's photos today too.  I have made him my screen saver on my phone and every time I have looked at my phone today it has hurt.  I don't know if the reality of this all is slowly creeping up on me or what, but it has been tough.  Kaia had asked for a snack today, I asked her what she wanted and she said cereal.  She and Jaylen love to eat cereal plain, but just recently Jaylen had started liking it with milk and feeding himself with a spoon.  He had particularly started liking Cocoa Puffs and today that is what Kaia wanted.  As I got the box out of the pantry and was putting some in a bowl for her, I looked over at Jaylen's empty bar seat and all I could picture was him sitting there, with a big grin on his face, eating those Cocoa Puffs.  It broke my heart, the reality, knowing that I will never see that big grin, eating cereal in his seat again.  It's just so unfair.  Parents aren't suppose to bury their children!!

I continually ask, why me??  Why Mike??  We have tried our best to be good people, good parents.  I know this isn't some kind of punishment, but it's hard not to ask why?  There are so many neglectful parents in this world, so many people that chose not to have children.  Mike and I love kids and have been the best parents we know how.  We  have worked hard to support them and give them all the love they need, it's just hard to understand.  I have had a few parents reach out to me who have lost children themselves and they all seem like great people too.  It just makes you wonder what the plan is for all of us?  Why we are all given different trials, some harder than others?  Again, all I can do is believe that this is part of the plan for Mike and I.  At this very moment, I hate it and am mad, but I hope that I will understand one day.