One Month...

Today it makes it one month exactly since the accident.  One month since I have held my baby boy in my arms.  One month since I have kissed his sweet face.  One month since I have looked directly into his big brown eyes and told him how much I love him.  One month since I have watched him play cars, ride his bike down our driveway, hear him call me mommy, and so on.  It feels as if it's been an eternity!!  I ache to hold him in my arms, kiss him, and tell him I love him.  The thought never crossed my mind that I would not be holding him today.  You always hear the stories of other children passing on, always worry about something happening to your own children, but never think that anything so tragic would really happen.  I watch my kids so closely.  My family has joked with me because I can be a bit over protective at times, but it has made me realize that we can't prevent everything.  If I didn't truly believe that this was God's plan, I would live with a lot of guilt.  It's hard not to.  I have really struggled with those feelings and feeling as if I failed Jaylen as a mother .  I try not to let myself go there because it could bring me down to an even darker place, but it's hard not to at times.

I've struggled sleeping again and I'm sure it will be an up and down battle for awhile.  Periodically I will take a sleeping pill just so my body can get some rest, but I can tell that it's breaking down.  I feel exhausted during the day, but know that if I were to lay down, I wouldn't sleep.  If I try, most times, I will close my eyes and start reliving that night.  I mostly have tried to block it out of my mind, but I can't completely and it haunts me.  We happened to drive by the hospital that Jaylen was taken to the other day by accident and tears started flowing down my face just thinking about what took place there.  I struggle with the thought of ever having to go there again.  It's a really good children's hospital so I hope that my other children will never have to go there for anything.  I don't know that I would be able to, it's too painful to think of what we went through while being there.

We took the kids to a pumpkin patch yesterday.  I have never been and have always wanted to go so we found one that was fairly close.  One of the last things we did was go on a hay ride.  As we all got on, a woman sat down in front of us holding her daughter who looked as if she was probably Jaylen's age.  While on the ride I watched this little girl point out to things, talking in her toddler talk, telling her mom what she was seeing.  It was so cute to watch how excited she would get, but it hurt my heart.  All I wanted was for Jaylen to be on that ride with us, doing those same things.  Being out and about, watching other children that look about Jaylen's age with their parents is tough.  Most times I can't even watch, I have to turn my head and look the other way.  I know with time that it will get easier, but it's tough.  It's the little things that you don't think about.  Being in a store, seeing a pair of shoes that would fit Jaylen, a Halloween costume, a toy car, a bag a Cheetos.  It's everywhere and something that we can't escape.

Last week I really had some hard days.  On Saturday I pushed myself to go on a long run.  Since we moved to Texas, it's been hard for me to run for very long outside with the humidity and heat.  It is starting to cool down so it makes it a little easier.  I didn't plan a distance to go that day, but just ran.  It's hard to push myself at times but when I get done, I feel better.  I know that with this new life I have to adjust to, the more I push myself, the better I will feel as well.  It would be so easy to stay in bed, not get dressed, basically give up, but I know that it would only do more harm.  I  have to push, even when I feel I can't.

The longer it goes that Jaylen is not with us physically, the more I rely on the memories that we have created.  I hate that we won't create more.   As the time passes, it seems as if Jaylen was only here for a split second.  It definitely wasn't long enough and I worry as the time goes on, it will be hard to remember what it felt like with him here.  He is missed so much, but as we adjust to our new normal, we have to create memories without him.  In years to come, all I'll have are these short two years that he was with us to remember.  I miss him, my body aches for him, and I can't wait for the day that I will get  to be with him again.

Jaylen and I were playing cars together