Heartbroken

Yesterday was one of the most challenging days I have had since the accident.  I'm not sure if it was the fact that I had to start working again or just one of those days where I feel the reality more than others.  It was really hard to start working.  Not because of the job, but the memory of when I worked last.  Mike was home most days with the kids while I worked so every time I was on a break I got to see Jaylen.  Every time that I would come out of my room, he would run to me, give me a big hug and say "mommy" as if he was so excited!  Also, anytime the kids were home and I was working, if I needed to grab something from the kitchen, I had to be really sneaky because if Jaylen saw me, he would get so upset.  He would want me with him, but knew that I'd have go back in my room and close the door.  The reality to know that  those things will not happening anymore are tough.  It's one more step I have to take towards the "new normal".

My heart feels so broken.  As we grow up and go through relationships, we feel as if we have heart break, but there is nothing compared to this.  I literally will lay there and my heart feels like it's about to explode if I think too deeply about Jaylen not being here.  Mike has not been feeling good so last night he went to bed pretty early.  I've been struggling to sleep again so after he fell asleep my mind would not shut down.  The pain that I was feeling was almost unbearable.  I think that is the first time since all of this that I literally didn't know how I am going to survive this.  I layed in bed pleading to God to help me be okay .  Just then, my mom sent me a text to play Words With Friends with her.  I had never played the game, but she was a life saver last night.  My mom is an amazing person and so in tune to what her children need.  She literally answered my prayer last night.  The game took my mind off things and I was able to calm down a bit.

One of the last pictures my parents had taken with Jaylen

It's crazy how all over the place my emotions are.  One minute I'm thinking, "I've got this, I'm going to be okay", then something will remind me of Jaylen and I'm a mess.  As hard as the days are, there have been good days too.   I will have days that I only shed a few tears, then there are others that the tears flow.  It's still so new and such an adjustment on trying to move forward.  There is guilt when I have a happy moment because I'm not happy about what has happened.  I know Jaylen wants us happy, but there is guilt.  I know with time the guilt won't be as heavy, but it's there.  I miss him so much!

My parents are traveling to see us next week and I'm really looking forward to having them close for a few days.  They are so amazing and have so much faith.  My brother passed away four and a half years ago tragically and my parents are big examples to me as I've watched them over come their heartache.  It was tough when we lost my brother, but my parents and family are closer because of the faith and belief that we will see him again.  I know that through Jaylen's tragic loss, it will strengthen our family even more.  At times I'm not sure how I will go forward, but it will be a day by day, minute by minute accomplishment.

A picture that my talented nephew sketched of Jaylen and my brother Brian.  I know he is watching over my baby boy!