Missing Him

I miss Jaylen so much, it's undescribable.  I think since he has been born, the longest I ever spent away from him was maybe three days.  It has now been over two weeks since the accident and it feels like it has been an eternity.  The thought that it will be years before I ever see him again hurts.  I walk around my house just praying that somehow he will appear.  That I will somehow get a glimpse of his adorable smile and a big hug.  It's funny because for the past few months, Jaylen would never give Mike or I kisses when we would ask for them.  He thought it was so funny.  A couple of weeks before the accident, he started giving them to us every time we asked for them and I wish so bad that I could just have one more kiss.

I have been surprised at how strong I have felt the past few days.  I've stopped taking the sleeping pills, not wanting to become dependant on them, and have actually been able to sleep ok.  I do wake up periodically and just lay there, but eventually fall back asleep.  I have not cried nearly as much as I probably should be.  Tears flow everyday, but it has been controllable and I feel as if I am surviving this somehow.  In some ways I feel as if the events have been blocked from my mind.  If I start to think too much about them, that is when I break down.  Visions of that night hurt.  Sometimes I catch myself replaying the events in my mind and that is when it's hard.  So many whys and how's??  Jaylen was out of our sight for literally seconds...it just doesn't seem that it would have even been possible to happen!  Those are the things that make me believe that our lives are not in our control.  The only way to believe that this was possible is that it is a plan from a higher power.  For some reason God sent Jaylen to us for these short two years to teach us something and he did teach us so much.

Jaylen brought so much light to our family.  We have had some big trials the past year and moving to Texas has been a huge blessing to us.  Along with moving, Mike and I have been able to spend a lot more time with our kids and each other.  I was fortunate enough to keep my job with the company that I was working for in Salt Lake and work at home here in Texas.  When we moved, Mike was suppose to start his job sooner than it happened. He ended up being home for a few months with the kids.  Because of that, I was able to see them more.  I'm not able to work and have my kids home with me, but because Mike was home for that time, I got to see my kids a lot more.  Every time I had a break, I would come out of my room to Kaia and Jaylen running to me and giving me a hug.  I can hear Jaylen's voice over and over in my mind saying, "mommmmy"!  I miss hearing that so much.  It was a huge blessing for Mike to be home for those few months as well.  He has never been able to spend that amount of time with the kids and he built such a bond with them.  He has always been a very hands on father, but being able to not have any other commitments for those few months gave him that extra time with the kids.

After the accident, Mike and I questioned if we had made the right decision in moving here.  We have felt so strongly before all this that it was definitely the right decision, but after, we questioned.  After the events took place, my very wise 10 year old son Ian, made a comment that stood out.  I didn't hear the comment, but was told about it later.  He said, "If we hadn't moved to Texas, what kind of accident would have happened to Jaylen in Utah?"  It is so true.  These kind of things are not in our control and if Jaylen was suppose to have survived this, he would have, whether we were in Utah or Texas.  God has a plan and I just have to continue to tell myself that.

I wake up feeling broken each morning, I really struggle in the mornings.  It kind of feels like the movie Groundhog Day, where I wake up each day reliving the nightmare which is a reality.  I wake up wishing that I could lay in bed all day, but I have other kids that need me.  Everyday when I do get out of bed, I feel like I have weights all over my body weighing me down.  Hopefully with time, those weights will slowly disappear one by one and it will be easier.  I feel so fortunate that I do have my other kids, I could not imagine if Jaylen had been my only child and trying to move forward.  They are what get me out of bed each morning and they are what keep me from sobbing all day.  I have been so blessed with such amazing children, along with an amazing husband.  He is my strength too, we have really learned to lean on one another and I hope through this trial, we will learn to lean even more.  I couldn't get through it without him.