Struggling

The past few days have been a real struggle for me.  I think I have shed more tears the past few days than I have in a while.  I think the longer it goes, the reality slowly is creeping up on me.  It has been three and a half weeks since the accident and it feels as if it's been a life time since I've seen my little boy.  It hurts.  I find myself closing my eyes at moments, trying to hear his little voice say something to me.  I miss hearing his cute little voice and the toddler talk.  Jaylen had just recently started talking a lot more and he would say new words each day.  I miss hearing the funny things he would say and us trying to decipher what some of them were.  Toddler talk is the best and I miss hearing his sweet voice.

There is so much that I miss and I know that it won't go away any time soon.  I still find myself going through my house hoping to find something that says Jaylen has been here.  I believe that his spirit is close and I know that they can leave little signs that they are near, but I don't receive them as much as I would like.  Sometimes I tell myself to stop searching for them and let them come to me, but it's hard.  As we have to move forward and start a new normal, it's hard to always have that peaceful spirit in our home that we felt so much right after the accident.  I notice as each day passes, we have to work that much harder to keep that spirit close in our home.  I know also that when that spirit isn't close, I can't feel Jaylen the way I would like and I don't ever want the new normal to put us in a place that we can't feel him near.  I am constantly telling my other children that I want peace in our home.  I don't want any  teasing, arguing, etc.  The only way that we will feel Jaylen close is if we keep a peaceful spirit in our home.  It's hard to keep my kids from bickering every now and then, but I think they understand because they want to feel Jaylen close too.

I always talk with my kids about how Jaylen is with us, we just can't see, hold or kiss him, but he is always with us.  As we were out yesterday, Kaia kept asking, "mom, where's Jaylen now?"  I would try and explain that we aren't sure, but I'm assuming he is right here with us now.  She loves the feeling that he is with us.  Mike and I have noticed lately that this has really affected Kaia.  She and Jaylen did everything together.  We can tell that she is lonely.  Five year olds aren't great with communicating or expressing what they are going through, but we see it.  She is always looking for a playmate now.  She doesn't like to be alone and she is always asking what Jaylen is doing.  It's heartbreaking.  She is such a strong five year old though and has been a big comforter to Mike and I.  It's so hard to watch our children struggle as we struggle ourselves.  We have constantly let them know that they are welcome to talk to us anytime about their feelings and that it's okay to cry if they need to.  Ian is more quiet with his feelings and I just want him to know that he can talk to us.  It's okay to feel and cry.  I hope we can be there for our kids and that we can help them over come this tragedy as well.

I have attempted to work out a few more times.  It is challenging, but I know that I need to push myself.  I think the more I push myself to do the things I did before the accident, the better it will be.  If I don't, I can see how easy it would be to fall into a depression and lose myself.  Music is so therapeutic for me too and my brother has created a perfect play list for me.  There is one song that I wish I could post for all the mother's that have lost children, it speaks to me.  My brother is a pianist that has put out some amazing music.  Quite a few years back, he did a song in remembrance of all the children that were lost in the Oklahoma City bombings.  I have loved that song from the moment that I heard it and who knew that years later, I would be the one that has lost a child.  It has been years since he released it, but it speaks new meaning to me.  He doesn't put out a ton of music with lyrics because he is not a singer, but this one, he hired a woman to sing it while he played and it is very touching.

I have been fortunate to take time off from work.  I work for an amazing company who has been more than understanding during this difficult time, but I know that I have to get back.  I have decided to start working again on Thursday.  I  don't know that I'm ready, but honestly, I don't think that I will ever be ready.  It's just one more thing I have to push myself to do to get back to "life".  I dread it because I've noticed that I'm struggling more now than in recent weeks, but it is time.  The longer I push these things back, the harder it is to do.  So many people that have experienced what Mike and I are right now have said that the weeks after the accident is when it gets hard.  I can see how that is true.  When this first happened, I felt arms wrapped so tightly around me.  People were praying non stop for us and I believe that's what gave us strength.  As time goes on and people's lives go on, we are still trying to cope.  As the weeks go on, I can feel those arms slowly loosening and more of the strength has to come within myself.  I continue to push myself each day so I don't get into a rut of depression, but I can see how easily it would be to do.  I hope that I can continue to move forward and not let myself fall.