Feeling Empty

Life has been a roller coaster the past two days.  I had been feeling pretty good, but it all fell apart again last night, my heart is so broken.  Mike and I have been pretty good at keeping ourselves busy, but last night, we spent the whole evening at home and it was hard.  I couldn't stop thinking about Jaylen and how much I miss him.  Our lives have changed drastically since this has all happened.  I feel such an emptiness in our home now.  I feel an emptiness within myself also.   Jaylen has containers filled with cars.  The moment we would come home from somewhere, or first thing in the morning when he would wake up, he would pull us to his closet so we could get his cars out.  He would have to have at least two big bins out every time.  Then, he would push them into our family room, dump them all out, just to play with a few of them.  At times, I would not understand why he did that just to play with a few, but all I wanted to do last night was go into his room, pull out his cars and dump them all over the floor.  We weren't always doing something while at home, but when we were home, cars were all over,  the noise was constant, and life just felt busy no matter what.  I miss it so much!!

 

I remember after having Jaylen how much busier my life got.  Before I had him, so many people had said that going from two kids to three was a huge difference.  I didn't think much about it, but once he was here, I understood.  Now, as I go back to taking care of two, I feel lost in a sense.  I miss the business that he brought into our lives.  I miss watching him climb on anything that was possible to climb.  I miss the milk stains on my couch from him spilling his milk bottle constantly.  I miss watching him race his bike down our driveway, seeing how fast he could go.  I miss watching him eat his messy Cheetos and getting them all over.  I miss hearing "mommy" in the middle of the night, just knowing that he wants me.  I miss EVERYTHING!!

It's still hard for me to believe that this is all real.  I know in my heart that he isn't coming home, but in my mind I can't fathom what the reality of this is.  I can't come to terms that my child has passed on and that I will not be able to hold or see him again until I pass on as well.  It seems far too long to wait and at times I don't know how I'm going to do it.  He brought so much to our family.  He was the little boy that wanted to be just like his daddy, but loved to help his mommy.  He was Kaia's best friend, but wanted Ian to help him when he couldn't do something.  He played such a huge roll in all of our lives and it just seems empty these days.  I know that with time, the pieces will slowly be put back together, but they will never be the same pieces.

I slept until 10:30 this morning and I don't think I have slept that long since before Kaia was born.  It felt good, maybe almost too good because I didn't have the desire to get out of bed, but I knew that I had too.  I have to force myself to do these things now because if I don't, I could go down a road that I don't want to go.  I can see how easy it would be to just give up, but I can't, and won't allow myself to go there. It's amazing how in tune people are because after I got up, I had three friends and a few family members text me just to let me know that they loved me and were thinking of me.  It really helped and was what I needed!  I know that a lot of people feel like they don't want to "bother" me, but sending a text, just to say hi and see how I am is definitely not a bother.  Those are the things that help me get through the day.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I think it is the first time in my life that I am going to church because I want to.  I was raised a Mormon, but questioned religion my entire life and the minute I moved out of my parents home, I stopped attending church.  I have always had a strong belief in God, but have not known what direction in life I wanted beyond that.  Mike and I have talked a lot in the past about finding a church but have never got around to doing it.  Everything has changed since this accident.  I so badly want answers and I'm at a point now that I will try to find them.  It's amazing how life's turns can send you in a direction that you never thought you would go.  I don't know what direction that I'm headed, but I do know that I want to be the best person I can be, do what I need to so I can be with my precious baby boy once again.