The Up and Down Battle

I woke up today feeling positive.  I slept pretty good and was looking forward to having a decent day.  Kaia woke up a little late so we were late getting her to school.  Once we dropped her off, Mike and I headed to the gym.  As I was running on the treadmill, it felt good.  After finishing my cardio, Mike and I attempted the weights.  I was still feeling pretty good.  I think it was the first time being there that it felt like a smooth work out.  As we headed over to do one last exercise, the equipment that we were using looks over onto the indoor swimming pool.  I have looked in there a few times since the accident, but it was different today.  We have spent a lot of time swimming together as a family.  Jaylen was not new to water and absolutely LOVED it, maybe almost too much.  As I looked onto the pool, I got a vision of being there with Jaylen, picturing him jumping off the edge into my arms.  I lost it.  Just as I think I'm going to have a decent day, the tears start streaming down my face.  Mike was in the middle of his exercise, but immediately looked over at me and could tell I was upset.  Right then, he says, "let's get out of here."  I feel so lucky to have such a thoughtful husband who immediately can read my face and know what I need.  He put his arms around me and we left.

  Mike and I grieve so differently.  One of the biggest pieces of advice that we have received is to respect that we are each going to grieve differently, but be there for one another.  I think so far we have been very respectful to one another.  Mike doesn't like to see me cry (like most men regarding women) but when I do, he just puts his arms around me and let's me know it's ok.  I couldn't get through this without him.  He is a huge strength to me and I'm so grateful for him.  Moving to Texas has strengthened our relationship so much.  I don't know if we would have been able to survive this if we hadn't had these past six months to build such a bond, not only as a couple, but as a family.  It reaffirms to me that the move to Texas was no coincidence and that it was preparing us for what our future held.  I hate looking at it that way, but I feel so strongly that our lives are directed from a higher power and that we were guided.

 Mike and I had talked about moving out of Utah for years, not knowing where we would want to go, but just have always wanted to.  My sister lives here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area and that is the only reason we even thought about it.  As we started making efforts to pursue possibly moving, everything just fell into place, one after the next with making it possible.  There is no doubt that this is where we are suppose to be and that it has been part of the plan.  I hate that part of the plan was preparing our family to grow closer for the events that we just experienced, but it's a plan.  Jaylen was a huge part of bringing us all closer too.  He had that charisma about him that kept the light alive in our family.  Any time I would be stressed or frustrated, I'd just have to see Jaylen's big smile and bright eyes, then the stress would go out the door.  You couldn't help but be happy around him and I know that he wants that to continue.

There are so many things that trigger my emotions.  I was getting into my car yesterday.  I haven't been in my car much since the accident because Mike and I have been doing everything together so we just go in his.  Anyway, I got in my car yesterday and looked over to the diapers and wipes that I always kept in there to make sure I always had them on hand.  I then looked in the back seat and saw his little shoes sitting on the seat.  Those are the moments that sting bad.  I don't have the desire to remove those things from my car yet though.  I'm not ready to fully accept the events that have taken place.  Like I have said before, I know in my heart he isn't coming home, but in my head, I haven't fully accepted it yet and not sure that I ever will.

Always being silly

 So many people have expressed the strength they have felt from my words and that it makes them want to be better.  All I can say, it's not me, it's Jaylen.  Jaylen has always had that effect on people and the words I write are all inspired by him.  He is an amazing little boy and though it is the worst tragedy to experience, I will honor him each and every day by trying to be a better person.  To learn and grow so I can make him proud.  I struggle daily to find strength, my emotions are up and down, but in the end I will prosper so I can be with him again!