Rambling...

Nights are so hard for me. I was prescribed some sleeping pills to help me sleep because I don't think I slept the first three days after the incident. Since taking one pill each night, I have noticed that it gives me about six hours to sleep. After that, I am up and can't go back to sleep. I don't like when I'm awake early because that is when my mind starts to replay all that happened that night and this past week. One moment I feel like I will be ok, then in a split second I am back to the pain and thinking, how am I ever going to go on without my Jaylen.  I don't know how I am going to do it??  It scares me to have to do it because I don't ever want it to be "ok" that my Jaylen is gone. It's not ok and it will never be ok!!!

We are headed back to Texas on Tuesday, I'm fearful to go back home and to the reality of it all.  Many of our neighbors in our neighborhood are not aware of what has happened and it is going to be horribly painful when someone asks, "where's Jaylen?"  When we are at home, my kids live to be outside.  They are always riding their bikes down our driveway.  As a family, we would go on family walks at least four times a week and the thought of trying to do that again is too painful.  Neighbors would always see us out and about and I know they will question where Jaylen is?  I'm sure the word will spread fast, but I'm just not prepared to go through it over and over again.  

A neighbor of mine hadn't realized that we were out of town, but text me today to let me know that she had been missing us.  We did a little small talk back and forth and at that moment, I realized that she had no idea what had happened.  It is heart wrenching to have to tell people.  It makes the person on the other end feel awful and me, as Jaylen's mom, has to break the news, which is so hard to because you don't want that person to feel bad either.  It's awful and something that no parent should ever have to do!!  

It's been a hard day for Mike today.  He has been so strong the past few days, but I could really tell that he was hurting today.  I think the thought of going back home and being in our home, where we
have created so many wonderful memories is going too be hard!!  Since the accident, we haven't been home for more than an hour or so to pack to come to Utah and at that time, our minds were so gone that I don't know what it will be like to be there without Jaylen physically present.  It will bring on a whole new set of emotions.  I know there will be a special feeling there, but along with that, there will be constant reminders that our baby boy is gone.  How does any parent go on without their baby?? It just seems unimaginable!!!

We were able to get out and go to sushi with some close friends tonight which was nice, but at the same time it's hard to fully enjoy myself.  I would catch myself at certain times smiling, which I know is good, but at the same time there is so much guilt.  I feel that by smiling, I'm ok with what has happened and that I'm ok with Jaylen being gone, but I'm not! I will never be ok and I hate smiling these days even though I know it's good for me.

While we were at dinner, Kaia was able to go to the Barnum & Bailey Circus that is in town right now.  I'm so grateful that my kids have been able to keep busy and have fun with family and friends.  I worry about how it will effect them once we get home and back to reality.  Kaia and Jaylen are best friends, they did everything together! What is going to happen when we go home, cousins are gone and Kaia realizes that Jaylen is not coming back?? How do I help Ian who loved his baby brother more than anything and was the biggest helper with him??  As a parent, you want to be so strong for your kids, but this is such a hard time to be strong.  I just pray that somehow, each day, Mike and I will be able to help them through this as well.