A New Day

Today has been a better day, not easy, but better. It was the first day since Jaylen's passing in which we didn't have to think about funeral arrangements and saying goodbye to our son's mortal body.  I never knew how many plans and decisions have to be made, in such a short time, after ones passing.  I am so blessed to have such a supportive family that handled most of these things, but there were still a lot of decisions that Mike and I had to make.  The past week has felt long, minutes have felt like hours, and my days are blurred.

The funeral could not have been more beautiful. It was a cold rainy day, but as I stood by my beautiful son, before the casket closed, I continued to stare at his perfect little body.  I was fearful to what I would see or feel when I saw him the first time, but, it was the most peaceful feeling.  He was in a beautiful all white outfit, with his hair done perfect, and a smile on his face.  Mike and I would look at him and think that he was going to open his eyes any minute. He looked like an angel just sleeping.

The moments I had with him while in his casket , I found that I could not keep my hands off of him.  I could have kissed him, rubbed his body, messed with his hair for years if it was possible.  I just wanted to continue to watch my beautiful angel sleep, hold him, and let him know we are here.  Let him know that we are sorry, that if I could, I would trade places in a heartbeat. I continued to tell him to never leave us because the feeling of him close is the only thing helping these days. I feel him close, I have felt him in my arms, and even though I can not hold him physically anymore, his spirit is close.

     

We wanted to pick out a headstone before we headed back to Texas so it could be set before winter falls. In Utah, I have learned that there is a certain time frame of when the headstone can be set. It just so happens that my brother Brian's is ready to be set so we wanted it ready when his was being done.  Such an unrealistic feeling as my husband and I are sitting in chairs explaining to the

employer how to design our two years old graveside headstone.  It turned out absolutely perfect, but as I look at the printed copy, I just can't fathom that any of this is real.

After leaving the headstone store, Mike and I were able to spend the day with Mike's family.  They flew in from South Carolina and have never been to Utah so we wanted to show them around.  They are so much fun, it has been wonderful to have them around and get to know them better.

It's amazing how things are put into perspective when things like this happen. You truly never know what is going on in someone's life when you see them out and about. Mike and I stopped in a children's store today to get some warmer clothes for our kids since we weren't prepared for the cold weather here in Utah. As we were at the checkout, the cashier learned that we were from out of town. She was being so sweet, asking if we were in town to visit and we politely said yes. She continued to ask how long we will be in town and that it was great that we could be here for the amount of time we are.  In our minds we thought, if she only knew what we had endured this past week, she probably would have felt so bad. That is the hard part.  We walk around trying to hold our heads high and be polite, but inside we are in agony. It makes me realize that you truly never know what people are going through unless you have lived it with them.

Life is such a gift and we take it so for granted each day. You always hear the stories of others, but never think it will be you. The reality is, it is me, I am the one that lost her little boy and I will have to face each new day trying to heal from this devastating loss. I don't know how I will do it, but somehow, we as humans, learn to deal and move forward. I'm not looking forward to moving on, but I have other children who need me and I need them. I'm fearful of the dark days ahead of me, but am hopeful that one day I can see the sun shine again and be happy.

As hard as it is to move forward, I have felt Jaylen all around. I have already had some very special things that have happened. There is no denying that my little boy is right here with us, even

though we can't physically touch or see him and those are the only things that are going to get me through this.