Baby Steps...

Jaylen was born ten weeks early.  My water broke in the middle of the night at 29 weeks.  The doctors were able to hold off delivering him for four days.  We were hoping that he would stay in for a few more weeks, but he just couldn't wait to get here.  I was terrified of what was to come when I was delivering him, but he came out so strong.  Being that early, the biggest concern is the lung development.  Jaylen came out screaming and was not once put on a ventilator to help him breath.  All the nurses in the NICU were amazed at how well he did.  He soared through his time in there.  The staff told me to plan on Jaylen being there until at least his due date, but he was released 5 weeks later, days before Halloween.  Two years ago, I had my beautiful 3 pound miracle home in my arms, healthy and perfect!!

Halloween 2011

 As his first year went by, he was slow to reach milestones, but it never stopped him.  He continue to grow, it took him until he was almost 11 months to crawl, but a week after his first birthday, he was walking.  From that moment, nothing has slowed him down and there was no sign of being a preemie.  He amazed us all!!

I look back on Jaylen and how his premature birth did not stop him from accomplishing the things he wanted to accomplish.  This morning I woke up early and started thinking about that.  It kind of made me think about this process I am experiencing now.  His death was so premature.  Burying a child is something that no parent ever thinks they will have to do, but it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY!  Jaylen pushed through his first year to not let his early arrival get him down, I am not going to let his premature death get me down either.  I will stumble, over and over, but I will pick myself back up and try again.  I have days that are bearable, days I float by, and days that I'm living minute by minute, but I have a will to learn and grow from this and will find my new way.  Jaylen inspired me from the moment he was here and he will continue to inspire me.

Truly an Angel

My parents have been here with us this past week, but last night they left to spend a couple days with my sister before heading back home.  It has been so nice and such a blessing.  Having company has helped fill some of the void in our home.  When we first got back from being in Utah, our home felt so quiet and empty.  While having them here, a part of that emptiness went away.  As we got home from being at the kids tumbling class last night, we were back to feeling a little bit of that emptiness.  There will always be a void, but with distractions around us, we don't notice it as much.  Now that it's back to just the four of us in the home, I feel that void very strongly again.  I know that if my parents could, they would have stayed for as long as we needed, but they need to get back to their home.

Always up to something!!

Each new day brings on a new challenge and with each new challenge, I have to take it on.  I have had numerous trials in my life, but this is by far my biggest.  There are days that I want to give up, but then I look at those big brown eyes of Jaylen and tell him, "I will be better because of you"!!  My other kids deserve a happy mom.  My husband deserves a loving wife.  Jaylen was given to me to teach me, and I think because of him, I am learning the biggest lesson in my life.

The Battle...

The past few days have been interesting.  I will be feeling pretty good, but certain moments throughout the day I catch myself thinking about Jaylen deeply and my heart starts to pound fast.  I have had such a peaceful feeling that this is part of a bigger plan, but even with that peace, I still struggle.  If I start thinking too much, I have to try and shift my focus on to other thoughts.  If I don't, it can turn into something that is almost unbearable.

My parents got here on Thursday and it has been great having them.  I've noticed that when I'm around those closest to me, it's easier to not have horrible breakdowns.  We will have conversations of Jaylen, but they are uplifting.  Tears are shed at times, but it's controllable.  What's hard these days is that the longer it goes since Jaylen has been with us, the more I lose the feeling of what is was like to have him with us every day.  I hate that feeling!  In some ways I feel as if I'm betraying Jaylen because he should be here.   We should be laughing at the silly things he does.  We should be pulling out our hair with the craziness, but instead we are learning to live without him.  In so many ways it's not right, but it is what we have to do.

Ian won "scariest costume".

Yesterday was one month since his 2nd birthday and I had friends checking in on me to make sure I was doing okay.  In all reality though, it's not the anniversaries that hurt these days.  What I struggle most with are the daily reminders that he is not here.  When I walk in his room and see his empty crib, his pile of toys that have not been played with, his bikes in the garage that don't move, his blanket that I sleep with every night, I could go on and on.  There is no way escaping from  it and it's so tough!  I know that as the holidays come around it will be tough too.  My kids had opportunity to go to a trunk-or-treat last night, I knew that they would have a good time so we went.  It was great to see them get dressed in their costumes and have fun.  I enjoyed it as well, but in the back of my mind, there still was that thought that Jaylen was missing it.  I had already picked out a costume for him to wear this year and I'm sad that he isn't able to.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  I love the feeling December brings, the music, the family gatherings, etc.  I know that this year will not have that same excitement.  With each holiday, Jaylen will be missing and that will bring an emptiness that I haven't had before.

My little tiger

I've been running a little more often, but not at the gym.  I have come to enjoy being on the roads where I can just zone out.  Today as I was running though, a firetruck came rushing down the road with it's siren and lights on.  I get a sick feeling in my stomach anytime I see a firetruck or ambulance now.  It is a horrible reminder of that tragic night.  The firefighters and police officers that assisted us that night were more than great, but any reminder of it just hurts.

I have noticed that I'm able to control my emotions a little more now, but there still has not been a day that tears have not been shed.  We were at dinner tonight with my sister's family and parents, all having a good time.  For a minute, I found myself not thinking about Jaylen, but that didn't last very long.   I notice that I can find myself having a decent time, but then I remember that Jaylen isn't with us causing some kind of ruckus.  We use to hate going to restaurants because Jaylen would not sit still and it was more stressful than it was worth.  I would do anything to have him climbing on me or spilling his food all over again.  I've learned that as challenging as it is to be a parent at times, those challenges are some of my greatest memories now.  He was by far my busiest child and into the most mischief, but I have thousands of memories that were created is his short two years.

One of the few times Jaylen was upset because I didn't want him to take off running away from us.

I miss him more that words could ever express.  This is the hardest battle that I have ever had to endure, but again, I will continue to try and focus on the positive and what I am suppose to learn from this.  I will never be the same person, but hope that I can continue to better myself each and every day.

My Angel

I woke up feeling pretty good today.  Monday was a real struggle for me, but the past two days have been pretty good.  I'm trying to focus on the positive and what I can do from this point on to be better.  As hard as it can be at times, I know that is what I need to do.  I miss Jaylen.  I don't think that will ever go away, but in order to move forward and be a good wife and mom to my other children, I need to be positive and be there for them.  Jaylen wants us happy and I am trying to do that for him.  It doesn't mean that it will always be easy or that tears won't be shed, but I will try.

My sister in law, who was married to my brother Brian, helped watched my kids periodically before we moved to Texas.  I feel that we have built a strong bond over the past few years due to the fact that Brian and I always had a close relationship.  Today I woke up and noticed an email from her.  It was a video that she had taken of Jaylen a few months back when she had watched him.  In the email she said, "you will love this and hate it at the same time".  She was so right!  I woke up feeling good this morning and thought maybe today would be the first day that tears wouldn't be shed.  I was wrong.  When I watched the video, tears fell down my cheeks, but they were both tears of joy and sadness.  Joy because of the video and what it entailed, but sadness because of what I miss .  Anna has been through the heartbreak. She understands.  She may not have lost a child, but she lost her husband in a very traumatic way as well.  She gives me hope.  She is such an amazing person and I look up to her.

 As I face each new day, I know I will continue to shed tears of joy and sadness.  Hopefully as time goes on there will be more tears of happiness and that the memories we do have, will bring a smile to our faces.  It is hard to watch the videos and look at pictures now, but I know that one day they will be our greatest treasure.

When Jaylen was born and we were finally able to bring home after being in the NICU for five weeks. There was a presence that he brought to our home that was different than the rest of my children.  Of course I feel that all of my children are amazing, but there was something different about Jaylen.  Something so special.  I remember one day, Jaylen was maybe 10 months old or so, he was just sitting on our bed and I got emotional.  I looked at Mike and said, "there is something so special about this little boy.  It feels as if we have a special angel present in our home".  I had no idea how much truth those words would have until now.  As much as I struggle not having Jaylen here physically present, I know that he was sent to our family for a purpose.  I wish the purpose had been for him to stay longer, but I'm grateful that I got to have the most amazing two years with him that I did.  He is our angel and will always be.  I love you JAYLEN!

One Month...

Today it makes it one month exactly since the accident.  One month since I have held my baby boy in my arms.  One month since I have kissed his sweet face.  One month since I have looked directly into his big brown eyes and told him how much I love him.  One month since I have watched him play cars, ride his bike down our driveway, hear him call me mommy, and so on.  It feels as if it's been an eternity!!  I ache to hold him in my arms, kiss him, and tell him I love him.  The thought never crossed my mind that I would not be holding him today.  You always hear the stories of other children passing on, always worry about something happening to your own children, but never think that anything so tragic would really happen.  I watch my kids so closely.  My family has joked with me because I can be a bit over protective at times, but it has made me realize that we can't prevent everything.  If I didn't truly believe that this was God's plan, I would live with a lot of guilt.  It's hard not to.  I have really struggled with those feelings and feeling as if I failed Jaylen as a mother .  I try not to let myself go there because it could bring me down to an even darker place, but it's hard not to at times.

I've struggled sleeping again and I'm sure it will be an up and down battle for awhile.  Periodically I will take a sleeping pill just so my body can get some rest, but I can tell that it's breaking down.  I feel exhausted during the day, but know that if I were to lay down, I wouldn't sleep.  If I try, most times, I will close my eyes and start reliving that night.  I mostly have tried to block it out of my mind, but I can't completely and it haunts me.  We happened to drive by the hospital that Jaylen was taken to the other day by accident and tears started flowing down my face just thinking about what took place there.  I struggle with the thought of ever having to go there again.  It's a really good children's hospital so I hope that my other children will never have to go there for anything.  I don't know that I would be able to, it's too painful to think of what we went through while being there.

We took the kids to a pumpkin patch yesterday.  I have never been and have always wanted to go so we found one that was fairly close.  One of the last things we did was go on a hay ride.  As we all got on, a woman sat down in front of us holding her daughter who looked as if she was probably Jaylen's age.  While on the ride I watched this little girl point out to things, talking in her toddler talk, telling her mom what she was seeing.  It was so cute to watch how excited she would get, but it hurt my heart.  All I wanted was for Jaylen to be on that ride with us, doing those same things.  Being out and about, watching other children that look about Jaylen's age with their parents is tough.  Most times I can't even watch, I have to turn my head and look the other way.  I know with time that it will get easier, but it's tough.  It's the little things that you don't think about.  Being in a store, seeing a pair of shoes that would fit Jaylen, a Halloween costume, a toy car, a bag a Cheetos.  It's everywhere and something that we can't escape.

Last week I really had some hard days.  On Saturday I pushed myself to go on a long run.  Since we moved to Texas, it's been hard for me to run for very long outside with the humidity and heat.  It is starting to cool down so it makes it a little easier.  I didn't plan a distance to go that day, but just ran.  It's hard to push myself at times but when I get done, I feel better.  I know that with this new life I have to adjust to, the more I push myself, the better I will feel as well.  It would be so easy to stay in bed, not get dressed, basically give up, but I know that it would only do more harm.  I  have to push, even when I feel I can't.

The longer it goes that Jaylen is not with us physically, the more I rely on the memories that we have created.  I hate that we won't create more.   As the time passes, it seems as if Jaylen was only here for a split second.  It definitely wasn't long enough and I worry as the time goes on, it will be hard to remember what it felt like with him here.  He is missed so much, but as we adjust to our new normal, we have to create memories without him.  In years to come, all I'll have are these short two years that he was with us to remember.  I miss him, my body aches for him, and I can't wait for the day that I will get  to be with him again.

Jaylen and I were playing cars together

Heartbroken

Yesterday was one of the most challenging days I have had since the accident.  I'm not sure if it was the fact that I had to start working again or just one of those days where I feel the reality more than others.  It was really hard to start working.  Not because of the job, but the memory of when I worked last.  Mike was home most days with the kids while I worked so every time I was on a break I got to see Jaylen.  Every time that I would come out of my room, he would run to me, give me a big hug and say "mommy" as if he was so excited!  Also, anytime the kids were home and I was working, if I needed to grab something from the kitchen, I had to be really sneaky because if Jaylen saw me, he would get so upset.  He would want me with him, but knew that I'd have go back in my room and close the door.  The reality to know that  those things will not happening anymore are tough.  It's one more step I have to take towards the "new normal".

My heart feels so broken.  As we grow up and go through relationships, we feel as if we have heart break, but there is nothing compared to this.  I literally will lay there and my heart feels like it's about to explode if I think too deeply about Jaylen not being here.  Mike has not been feeling good so last night he went to bed pretty early.  I've been struggling to sleep again so after he fell asleep my mind would not shut down.  The pain that I was feeling was almost unbearable.  I think that is the first time since all of this that I literally didn't know how I am going to survive this.  I layed in bed pleading to God to help me be okay .  Just then, my mom sent me a text to play Words With Friends with her.  I had never played the game, but she was a life saver last night.  My mom is an amazing person and so in tune to what her children need.  She literally answered my prayer last night.  The game took my mind off things and I was able to calm down a bit.

One of the last pictures my parents had taken with Jaylen

It's crazy how all over the place my emotions are.  One minute I'm thinking, "I've got this, I'm going to be okay", then something will remind me of Jaylen and I'm a mess.  As hard as the days are, there have been good days too.   I will have days that I only shed a few tears, then there are others that the tears flow.  It's still so new and such an adjustment on trying to move forward.  There is guilt when I have a happy moment because I'm not happy about what has happened.  I know Jaylen wants us happy, but there is guilt.  I know with time the guilt won't be as heavy, but it's there.  I miss him so much!

My parents are traveling to see us next week and I'm really looking forward to having them close for a few days.  They are so amazing and have so much faith.  My brother passed away four and a half years ago tragically and my parents are big examples to me as I've watched them over come their heartache.  It was tough when we lost my brother, but my parents and family are closer because of the faith and belief that we will see him again.  I know that through Jaylen's tragic loss, it will strengthen our family even more.  At times I'm not sure how I will go forward, but it will be a day by day, minute by minute accomplishment.

A picture that my talented nephew sketched of Jaylen and my brother Brian.  I know he is watching over my baby boy!

The Up and Down Battle

I woke up today feeling positive.  I slept pretty good and was looking forward to having a decent day.  Kaia woke up a little late so we were late getting her to school.  Once we dropped her off, Mike and I headed to the gym.  As I was running on the treadmill, it felt good.  After finishing my cardio, Mike and I attempted the weights.  I was still feeling pretty good.  I think it was the first time being there that it felt like a smooth work out.  As we headed over to do one last exercise, the equipment that we were using looks over onto the indoor swimming pool.  I have looked in there a few times since the accident, but it was different today.  We have spent a lot of time swimming together as a family.  Jaylen was not new to water and absolutely LOVED it, maybe almost too much.  As I looked onto the pool, I got a vision of being there with Jaylen, picturing him jumping off the edge into my arms.  I lost it.  Just as I think I'm going to have a decent day, the tears start streaming down my face.  Mike was in the middle of his exercise, but immediately looked over at me and could tell I was upset.  Right then, he says, "let's get out of here."  I feel so lucky to have such a thoughtful husband who immediately can read my face and know what I need.  He put his arms around me and we left.

  Mike and I grieve so differently.  One of the biggest pieces of advice that we have received is to respect that we are each going to grieve differently, but be there for one another.  I think so far we have been very respectful to one another.  Mike doesn't like to see me cry (like most men regarding women) but when I do, he just puts his arms around me and let's me know it's ok.  I couldn't get through this without him.  He is a huge strength to me and I'm so grateful for him.  Moving to Texas has strengthened our relationship so much.  I don't know if we would have been able to survive this if we hadn't had these past six months to build such a bond, not only as a couple, but as a family.  It reaffirms to me that the move to Texas was no coincidence and that it was preparing us for what our future held.  I hate looking at it that way, but I feel so strongly that our lives are directed from a higher power and that we were guided.

 Mike and I had talked about moving out of Utah for years, not knowing where we would want to go, but just have always wanted to.  My sister lives here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area and that is the only reason we even thought about it.  As we started making efforts to pursue possibly moving, everything just fell into place, one after the next with making it possible.  There is no doubt that this is where we are suppose to be and that it has been part of the plan.  I hate that part of the plan was preparing our family to grow closer for the events that we just experienced, but it's a plan.  Jaylen was a huge part of bringing us all closer too.  He had that charisma about him that kept the light alive in our family.  Any time I would be stressed or frustrated, I'd just have to see Jaylen's big smile and bright eyes, then the stress would go out the door.  You couldn't help but be happy around him and I know that he wants that to continue.

There are so many things that trigger my emotions.  I was getting into my car yesterday.  I haven't been in my car much since the accident because Mike and I have been doing everything together so we just go in his.  Anyway, I got in my car yesterday and looked over to the diapers and wipes that I always kept in there to make sure I always had them on hand.  I then looked in the back seat and saw his little shoes sitting on the seat.  Those are the moments that sting bad.  I don't have the desire to remove those things from my car yet though.  I'm not ready to fully accept the events that have taken place.  Like I have said before, I know in my heart he isn't coming home, but in my head, I haven't fully accepted it yet and not sure that I ever will.

Always being silly

 So many people have expressed the strength they have felt from my words and that it makes them want to be better.  All I can say, it's not me, it's Jaylen.  Jaylen has always had that effect on people and the words I write are all inspired by him.  He is an amazing little boy and though it is the worst tragedy to experience, I will honor him each and every day by trying to be a better person.  To learn and grow so I can make him proud.  I struggle daily to find strength, my emotions are up and down, but in the end I will prosper so I can be with him again!

Struggling

The past few days have been a real struggle for me.  I think I have shed more tears the past few days than I have in a while.  I think the longer it goes, the reality slowly is creeping up on me.  It has been three and a half weeks since the accident and it feels as if it's been a life time since I've seen my little boy.  It hurts.  I find myself closing my eyes at moments, trying to hear his little voice say something to me.  I miss hearing his cute little voice and the toddler talk.  Jaylen had just recently started talking a lot more and he would say new words each day.  I miss hearing the funny things he would say and us trying to decipher what some of them were.  Toddler talk is the best and I miss hearing his sweet voice.

There is so much that I miss and I know that it won't go away any time soon.  I still find myself going through my house hoping to find something that says Jaylen has been here.  I believe that his spirit is close and I know that they can leave little signs that they are near, but I don't receive them as much as I would like.  Sometimes I tell myself to stop searching for them and let them come to me, but it's hard.  As we have to move forward and start a new normal, it's hard to always have that peaceful spirit in our home that we felt so much right after the accident.  I notice as each day passes, we have to work that much harder to keep that spirit close in our home.  I know also that when that spirit isn't close, I can't feel Jaylen the way I would like and I don't ever want the new normal to put us in a place that we can't feel him near.  I am constantly telling my other children that I want peace in our home.  I don't want any  teasing, arguing, etc.  The only way that we will feel Jaylen close is if we keep a peaceful spirit in our home.  It's hard to keep my kids from bickering every now and then, but I think they understand because they want to feel Jaylen close too.

I always talk with my kids about how Jaylen is with us, we just can't see, hold or kiss him, but he is always with us.  As we were out yesterday, Kaia kept asking, "mom, where's Jaylen now?"  I would try and explain that we aren't sure, but I'm assuming he is right here with us now.  She loves the feeling that he is with us.  Mike and I have noticed lately that this has really affected Kaia.  She and Jaylen did everything together.  We can tell that she is lonely.  Five year olds aren't great with communicating or expressing what they are going through, but we see it.  She is always looking for a playmate now.  She doesn't like to be alone and she is always asking what Jaylen is doing.  It's heartbreaking.  She is such a strong five year old though and has been a big comforter to Mike and I.  It's so hard to watch our children struggle as we struggle ourselves.  We have constantly let them know that they are welcome to talk to us anytime about their feelings and that it's okay to cry if they need to.  Ian is more quiet with his feelings and I just want him to know that he can talk to us.  It's okay to feel and cry.  I hope we can be there for our kids and that we can help them over come this tragedy as well.

I have attempted to work out a few more times.  It is challenging, but I know that I need to push myself.  I think the more I push myself to do the things I did before the accident, the better it will be.  If I don't, I can see how easy it would be to fall into a depression and lose myself.  Music is so therapeutic for me too and my brother has created a perfect play list for me.  There is one song that I wish I could post for all the mother's that have lost children, it speaks to me.  My brother is a pianist that has put out some amazing music.  Quite a few years back, he did a song in remembrance of all the children that were lost in the Oklahoma City bombings.  I have loved that song from the moment that I heard it and who knew that years later, I would be the one that has lost a child.  It has been years since he released it, but it speaks new meaning to me.  He doesn't put out a ton of music with lyrics because he is not a singer, but this one, he hired a woman to sing it while he played and it is very touching.

I have been fortunate to take time off from work.  I work for an amazing company who has been more than understanding during this difficult time, but I know that I have to get back.  I have decided to start working again on Thursday.  I  don't know that I'm ready, but honestly, I don't think that I will ever be ready.  It's just one more thing I have to push myself to do to get back to "life".  I dread it because I've noticed that I'm struggling more now than in recent weeks, but it is time.  The longer I push these things back, the harder it is to do.  So many people that have experienced what Mike and I are right now have said that the weeks after the accident is when it gets hard.  I can see how that is true.  When this first happened, I felt arms wrapped so tightly around me.  People were praying non stop for us and I believe that's what gave us strength.  As time goes on and people's lives go on, we are still trying to cope.  As the weeks go on, I can feel those arms slowly loosening and more of the strength has to come within myself.  I continue to push myself each day so I don't get into a rut of depression, but I can see how easily it would be to do.  I hope that I can continue to move forward and not let myself fall.

Feeling Empty

Life has been a roller coaster the past two days.  I had been feeling pretty good, but it all fell apart again last night, my heart is so broken.  Mike and I have been pretty good at keeping ourselves busy, but last night, we spent the whole evening at home and it was hard.  I couldn't stop thinking about Jaylen and how much I miss him.  Our lives have changed drastically since this has all happened.  I feel such an emptiness in our home now.  I feel an emptiness within myself also.   Jaylen has containers filled with cars.  The moment we would come home from somewhere, or first thing in the morning when he would wake up, he would pull us to his closet so we could get his cars out.  He would have to have at least two big bins out every time.  Then, he would push them into our family room, dump them all out, just to play with a few of them.  At times, I would not understand why he did that just to play with a few, but all I wanted to do last night was go into his room, pull out his cars and dump them all over the floor.  We weren't always doing something while at home, but when we were home, cars were all over,  the noise was constant, and life just felt busy no matter what.  I miss it so much!!

 

I remember after having Jaylen how much busier my life got.  Before I had him, so many people had said that going from two kids to three was a huge difference.  I didn't think much about it, but once he was here, I understood.  Now, as I go back to taking care of two, I feel lost in a sense.  I miss the business that he brought into our lives.  I miss watching him climb on anything that was possible to climb.  I miss the milk stains on my couch from him spilling his milk bottle constantly.  I miss watching him race his bike down our driveway, seeing how fast he could go.  I miss watching him eat his messy Cheetos and getting them all over.  I miss hearing "mommy" in the middle of the night, just knowing that he wants me.  I miss EVERYTHING!!

It's still hard for me to believe that this is all real.  I know in my heart that he isn't coming home, but in my mind I can't fathom what the reality of this is.  I can't come to terms that my child has passed on and that I will not be able to hold or see him again until I pass on as well.  It seems far too long to wait and at times I don't know how I'm going to do it.  He brought so much to our family.  He was the little boy that wanted to be just like his daddy, but loved to help his mommy.  He was Kaia's best friend, but wanted Ian to help him when he couldn't do something.  He played such a huge roll in all of our lives and it just seems empty these days.  I know that with time, the pieces will slowly be put back together, but they will never be the same pieces.

I slept until 10:30 this morning and I don't think I have slept that long since before Kaia was born.  It felt good, maybe almost too good because I didn't have the desire to get out of bed, but I knew that I had too.  I have to force myself to do these things now because if I don't, I could go down a road that I don't want to go.  I can see how easy it would be to just give up, but I can't, and won't allow myself to go there. It's amazing how in tune people are because after I got up, I had three friends and a few family members text me just to let me know that they loved me and were thinking of me.  It really helped and was what I needed!  I know that a lot of people feel like they don't want to "bother" me, but sending a text, just to say hi and see how I am is definitely not a bother.  Those are the things that help me get through the day.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I think it is the first time in my life that I am going to church because I want to.  I was raised a Mormon, but questioned religion my entire life and the minute I moved out of my parents home, I stopped attending church.  I have always had a strong belief in God, but have not known what direction in life I wanted beyond that.  Mike and I have talked a lot in the past about finding a church but have never got around to doing it.  Everything has changed since this accident.  I so badly want answers and I'm at a point now that I will try to find them.  It's amazing how life's turns can send you in a direction that you never thought you would go.  I don't know what direction that I'm headed, but I do know that I want to be the best person I can be, do what I need to so I can be with my precious baby boy once again.

Another Hour, Another Day

Another hour has passed, another day has gone by that Jaylen has not been with us and it seems like it has been an eternity.  I still don't think the reality of it all has hit me yet.  I know in my heart that he isn't coming home, but I still wish that I could wake up and it all be different.  I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights.  I'm able to fall asleep on my own, but I have been waking up around 3 or 4 each morning and can't go back to sleep.  When I wake and it's quiet, my mind starts to go.  I start to replay that tragic night over and over in my mind and it never gets easier.  Early this morning when I awoke, Kaia was in bed with us, of course, and was awake too.  I wasn't aware that she was awake, but I started to cry thinking about everything.  My sweet, five year old daughter, leans over and asks, "Mom are you sad?"  me, trying to be strong for her said, "yes, but it's ok" she says, "are you thinking about Jay?" I said, "yes".  She leans over to me and says, "mommy, it will be ok" then gave me a big hug and shared her blanket with me.  All I could think was, here I am, this grown woman who is the one that is suppose to be there to comfort my kids, but my five year old is here comforting me.  I am so blessed to have such sweet, thoughtful kids.  They amaze me with their strength.

The past two days I have decided to go on a run outside rather than attempt the gym.  It actually has been very therapeutic for me.  I put on my earphones to a play list of music that my brother made for me after the accident and it's just me, the road, and no one in my view.  I've been able to feel some peace while I do this.  I have been able to cry, run fast, slow down, talk to Jaylen, my brother, and pray to God.  It has helped me to have that moment and I'm glad that I've found some way to get out and still enjoy exercise.

I'm amazed at the kindness that we continue to feel by so many people.  It really puts things into perspective and I hope that I will be able to pay it all forward to others in the future.  We receive cards in the mail every day from people we know, but a lot are from strangers that only know of us.  It's just amazing!

 I've really struggled with the thought of only having two children to care for now because I have three!!  I fear the question of  "how many kids do you have?"  I have three kids and always will, but that is a tough question.  One of my closest friends from high school surprised me with a beautiful gift in the mail today.  I think she was aware of my feelings regarding that question.  She sent me a beautiful necklace with all three of my kids first initial to their name on it so I will ALWAYS have my three children with me.  It meant so much to me and I will always cherish it.

I have attempted to make dinner for the first time today since the accident.  I did use the crock pot, but it's one more step in trying to pick up the pieces and go forward.  I have had no desire to do much of anything, but can't let my household fall apart so I am really trying to keep things together.  I am really trying hard to get my children's lives back to normal as much as possible.  Life will never be the same, but I've got to do my best to not disrupt their lives even more.

It's amazing how different the home is with just one little two year old not around.  It's not like Jaylen made a ton of noise, but the house is so quiet without him.  I miss the noise, I miss just knowing that he was around the corner in the other room playing and dancing.  He kept us entertained.  Kaia is a good entertainer too, Ian's a bit more shy, but between Kaia and Jaylen, there was never a dull moment.  I look forward to the day that we are all dancing together again.

Each day I pray for something special to happen so I know that Jaylen is close.  People have told us that special things will happen and those are the moments that will pull you through.  In my heart, I know that Jaylen has been here, we have felt him, but it's never enough.  I'm sure with time those moments will lessen, but I will cherish all that he will bless us with.  The other day when I was really struggling, I just kept praying for some sort of sign that Jaylen is near.  Yesterday I believe that I was blessed with yet another sign that he is close.  Those moments give me hope.  They are what will get me through this.

Hard Day

Today has been an extremely hard day.  I think that I have been very blessed the past few days because I was doing surprisingly well, but it all fell apart today.  Mike and I attempted the gym again.  I had made a new play list of music,which has been very comforting, but it is emotional too.  As we got half way through our workout, my body just gave out and I couldn't do anymore.  I broke down.  I miss Jaylen so much it hurts!!  I sit and watch as everyone around me are going on with their lives and in the back of my mind, all I can think about is that I just lost my baby boy.  I would give anything to go back to two and a half weeks ago, being one of those people that just has their every day problems.

Mike and I have really tried to keep ourselves busy while the kids are at school.  Every day we just walk around stores, attempt the gym, or just grab something to eat away from home.  It is hard.  Everywhere we go there is something that reminds us that our little boy is not with us.  We will see something in a store that Jaylen would have loved, at a restaurant, seeing something that he would like to eat, or just seeing a child around his age.  It's something that we can't escape, but hopefully with time, those wounds won't hurt as bad.

I've had a hard time looking at Jaylen's photos today too.  I have made him my screen saver on my phone and every time I have looked at my phone today it has hurt.  I don't know if the reality of this all is slowly creeping up on me or what, but it has been tough.  Kaia had asked for a snack today, I asked her what she wanted and she said cereal.  She and Jaylen love to eat cereal plain, but just recently Jaylen had started liking it with milk and feeding himself with a spoon.  He had particularly started liking Cocoa Puffs and today that is what Kaia wanted.  As I got the box out of the pantry and was putting some in a bowl for her, I looked over at Jaylen's empty bar seat and all I could picture was him sitting there, with a big grin on his face, eating those Cocoa Puffs.  It broke my heart, the reality, knowing that I will never see that big grin, eating cereal in his seat again.  It's just so unfair.  Parents aren't suppose to bury their children!!

I continually ask, why me??  Why Mike??  We have tried our best to be good people, good parents.  I know this isn't some kind of punishment, but it's hard not to ask why?  There are so many neglectful parents in this world, so many people that chose not to have children.  Mike and I love kids and have been the best parents we know how.  We  have worked hard to support them and give them all the love they need, it's just hard to understand.  I have had a few parents reach out to me who have lost children themselves and they all seem like great people too.  It just makes you wonder what the plan is for all of us?  Why we are all given different trials, some harder than others?  Again, all I can do is believe that this is part of the plan for Mike and I.  At this very moment, I hate it and am mad, but I hope that I will understand one day.

Missing Him

I miss Jaylen so much, it's undescribable.  I think since he has been born, the longest I ever spent away from him was maybe three days.  It has now been over two weeks since the accident and it feels like it has been an eternity.  The thought that it will be years before I ever see him again hurts.  I walk around my house just praying that somehow he will appear.  That I will somehow get a glimpse of his adorable smile and a big hug.  It's funny because for the past few months, Jaylen would never give Mike or I kisses when we would ask for them.  He thought it was so funny.  A couple of weeks before the accident, he started giving them to us every time we asked for them and I wish so bad that I could just have one more kiss.

I have been surprised at how strong I have felt the past few days.  I've stopped taking the sleeping pills, not wanting to become dependant on them, and have actually been able to sleep ok.  I do wake up periodically and just lay there, but eventually fall back asleep.  I have not cried nearly as much as I probably should be.  Tears flow everyday, but it has been controllable and I feel as if I am surviving this somehow.  In some ways I feel as if the events have been blocked from my mind.  If I start to think too much about them, that is when I break down.  Visions of that night hurt.  Sometimes I catch myself replaying the events in my mind and that is when it's hard.  So many whys and how's??  Jaylen was out of our sight for literally seconds...it just doesn't seem that it would have even been possible to happen!  Those are the things that make me believe that our lives are not in our control.  The only way to believe that this was possible is that it is a plan from a higher power.  For some reason God sent Jaylen to us for these short two years to teach us something and he did teach us so much.

Jaylen brought so much light to our family.  We have had some big trials the past year and moving to Texas has been a huge blessing to us.  Along with moving, Mike and I have been able to spend a lot more time with our kids and each other.  I was fortunate enough to keep my job with the company that I was working for in Salt Lake and work at home here in Texas.  When we moved, Mike was suppose to start his job sooner than it happened. He ended up being home for a few months with the kids.  Because of that, I was able to see them more.  I'm not able to work and have my kids home with me, but because Mike was home for that time, I got to see my kids a lot more.  Every time I had a break, I would come out of my room to Kaia and Jaylen running to me and giving me a hug.  I can hear Jaylen's voice over and over in my mind saying, "mommmmy"!  I miss hearing that so much.  It was a huge blessing for Mike to be home for those few months as well.  He has never been able to spend that amount of time with the kids and he built such a bond with them.  He has always been a very hands on father, but being able to not have any other commitments for those few months gave him that extra time with the kids.

After the accident, Mike and I questioned if we had made the right decision in moving here.  We have felt so strongly before all this that it was definitely the right decision, but after, we questioned.  After the events took place, my very wise 10 year old son Ian, made a comment that stood out.  I didn't hear the comment, but was told about it later.  He said, "If we hadn't moved to Texas, what kind of accident would have happened to Jaylen in Utah?"  It is so true.  These kind of things are not in our control and if Jaylen was suppose to have survived this, he would have, whether we were in Utah or Texas.  God has a plan and I just have to continue to tell myself that.

I wake up feeling broken each morning, I really struggle in the mornings.  It kind of feels like the movie Groundhog Day, where I wake up each day reliving the nightmare which is a reality.  I wake up wishing that I could lay in bed all day, but I have other kids that need me.  Everyday when I do get out of bed, I feel like I have weights all over my body weighing me down.  Hopefully with time, those weights will slowly disappear one by one and it will be easier.  I feel so fortunate that I do have my other kids, I could not imagine if Jaylen had been my only child and trying to move forward.  They are what get me out of bed each morning and they are what keep me from sobbing all day.  I have been so blessed with such amazing children, along with an amazing husband.  He is my strength too, we have really learned to lean on one another and I hope through this trial, we will learn to lean even more.  I couldn't get through it without him.

Surviving...

I woke up this morning sad.  I think each morning is difficult for me because I wake up realizing that what I am experiencing is real and that Jaylen is not here physically with us anymore.  Each morning I go around the house and open the blinds to all the windows because I love the natural light.  I debate each time I get close to Jaylen's room if I should go in there.  I do, of course, but every time, I question it.  It's so hard going in there and see his empty crib.  I was telling my mom last night that those are the reminders that tell me he was here with us.  Because he was with us was such a short time, sometimes I feel now that it was a dream that we even had him in our home because it was so short, too short.  I can't be angry with God and his plan, but at times I feel as if we were teased.  I feel like, why bless us with such an amazing spirit, only to know that he would not be with us very long??  It's so hard to understand and it is unfair.  This is one club I never wanted to be a part of.

It's amazing through this to realize how many people are in this same club. It is so sad!  So many parents have had to bury their children and you wonder why?  I truly don't think that there is anything worse that could happen to a parent than losing a child.  I won't deny how awful it is.  I've had so many emotions these past few days.  I know it is normal and I will have them for awhile, but it is hard.  I wake up angry, which turns to sadness, then as the day goes on, it gets a little better.  Mike and I have really tried to keep ourselves busy and as long as we do that we are ok.  It has been nice for Mike and I to be able to spend time together, just the two of us.  There is a lot of silence, but not in a bad way.  In that silence, there is a feeling of peace, but sadness too.  We have also had a lot of good talks and I don't think I could survive this without Mike and vice versa.  Jaylen has been a huge part of that too.  Mike and I both feel that Jaylen was a huge part of strengthening our relationship, before any of this.  At sometimes I wonder if he was preparing us?

We put Kaia to bed in here own bed every night, but she finds her way to our bed every night.  I laugh because we have a king size bed and no matter how big our bed is, she has to be laying right up next to me, almost pushing her body onto mine.  It is irritating at times, but now I try and enjoy it because you just never know what tomorrow will bring.  The night before Jaylen passed, he had woken up in the middle of the night.   Normally Mike or I would go in his room, check on him, get him situated better, and then he would go back to sleep.  That night though, Mike had been up due to stress at work and couldn't sleep.  He decided to bring Jaylen to bed with me.  Of all my children, Jaylen is my best sleeper.  He really didn't want to sleep anywhere but his bed, but that night, he layed next to me and we slept until 8:30 that morning.  I woke up with my beautiful baby boy next to me and who knew that it would be the last time?  Cherish those little moments that you have with your kids, because really, you just never know what tomorrow will bring.  Never in a million years did I think I would be here today, writing these thoughts, but this is my new reality.

Since we have been back in Texas, Mike and I haven't really wanted to do anything other than be together.  Some of our friends have been a little concerned.  It's not that we are trying to hide from the world, but it's hard to face people.  Anyway, last night we decided to go up the street to our friends house that we have spent a lot of time with since we moved here.  It was hard.  They had gotten a new puppy this summer that Jaylen absolutely loved.  Every time we were at their house, he would chase it around, pick it up, squeeze it when he would carry it, and dropped it a few times.  It got to a point that when we would go to their house, the dog would run and hide from Jaylen, it was funny.  Last night when we were there, it was hard when the puppy came running out of the house.  All I could picture in my mind was Jaylen running around trying to catch him.  Things like that is hard, knowing that I will never get to see him do that again.

 I think one of the hardest parts of this all is that every time I turn around there is something that reminds me of Jaylen.  Every time I drive somewhere, most places are places that the last time I was there, Jaylen was with me. A few days before the accident, I had been on the phone with a place that has tumbling classes.  We have been trying to get Kaia into something like that since we moved and I was wanting more information about it.  Two nights ago we decided to go and check it out.  While we were there, all Mike and I could think about was how much Jaylen would have loved to do something like that.  It's a place where there are trampolines, mats to do flips, somersaults, walk on balance beams.  Jaylen loved doing those things.  Kaia had so much fun and Ian even decided that he wants to do a jump class they have there.  We don't want our lives to stop because what has happened, but everywhere we go, every time we turn around, there is something that reminds us of what's missing.

I hate being out and Jaylen is not with us.  Whenever we go anywhere, for some reason, our kids have always stood out.  There isn't a place we could go without someone stopping us wanting to talk to our kids and compliment them.  Now when we are out, I hate that people only see two kids with us.  I have three kids and I want so badly to still have my three kids with me.  I was telling my mom how different it is going from taking care of the three of them, back to the two.  Kaia and Ian are at an age where they don't require a lot.  Jaylen consumed so much of our lives because he was still so dependant, even though he thought he could do it all himself.  It is such an adjustment and the house is so much quieter.  I miss the noise.  We are big TV people.  Even if we weren't watching it, it was always on Disney Junior or something, just for the noise.  Jaylen loved Disney Junior.  It's hard to have the TV on now.  Every time I hear one of the shows start and the music comes on, it stings a little.  I think there will be a lot of stings for the next little while.  Jaylen loved Little Einsteins, particularly the part when they are in the aircraft about to take off.  They do this little thing where they pat their legs as they are about to take off and yell blast off, then take off.  Jaylen and I use to sit together and do it as they would on the show.  I can hear him saying blast off in my mind over and over.  I will never look at that show the same.  I will always remember those little things that Jaylen and I did together.  He brought so much happiness, I can't even describe how much he brought to this family.

I've never been a big religious person.  I have always had a spiritual side to me, but religion is a whole new ball park.  Since all of this has happened, a new spiritual side has come out of me.  I don't know where it will direct me in the future, but I do know that I want to do all that I can so I am with Jaylen again.  The presence in our home has already changed.  I have never had a picture of Christ in my home, but since this, we have received some beautiful portraits.  Mike and I hung them up last night and I wouldn't want it any other way.  I want a peaceful spirit in our home now.  I want to feel Jaylen close.  I look at life so differently now and just want to be better in all aspects.

Picking Up the Pieces...

Since we have been home, it has been an up and down battle of emotions.  One moment I will feel like I am ok, but in a split second , the reality sets in and I turn angry and frustrated, thinking "why my little boy, why Jaylen??"   Mike and I are good people.  We have tried to live our lives the best we know how.  We aren't perfect, we have made numerous mistakes, but we have tried our best.  People say that God gives these type of challenges to the strongest of people and if that's the case, I don't want to be strong!  I don't believe that Mike and I are any stronger than another human out there, but for some reason, we are here facing this tragedy.  It's unfair and I want my son back so bad, but for some reason, this is God's plan for us.  I don't understand why it had to happen and at times it feels impossible, minutes feel like hours, days feel like eternity, but I hope with time, we will understand.

When we arrived home from the airport, we pulled up to our home with a porch filled with gifts, balloons, flowers, lawn mowed, etc.  It is so amazing to see how people come together to help a family that they hardly know.  Our neighbors have been so kind.  We feel very blessed for how much people have done for us.  It makes you realize that in this world of pure evil, there still are a lot of good people.  It makes me want to be a better person.

Our home has been extremely peaceful, but it is hard to be here at times.  Every time we turn around, we have a memory of Jaylen.  Wishing so bad that they weren't memories.  I catch myself looking in his room, wishing that he was waiting for me to get him out of his bed.  I find myself walking through the house, hoping to find a car laying around that he had played with and never got put away.  I sit, hoping that some special thing will happen, just to let me know that he is still here with us.  We have had a few special moments, but I wish they were constant!

I started the laundry today because it hasn't been done since before the accident.  As I went to each of my kids rooms to gather the laundry, I got to Jaylen's room and he had two outfits that were in his basket.  I stood there staring at them, so many thoughts running through my mind.  I immediately grabbed them, smelling them, hoping that they would have his scent on them.  They didn't.  I debated if I should even wash them, or keep them dirty just to remind me that Jaylen was with us and that I didn't imagine it for the past 2 years.  I decided to wash his everything, but put one pair of shorts that were dirty aside.  I also have a pair of pajamas that he had worn the night before the accident that does have his smell on them and I pray that the smells stays forever.

I have felt numb since the events took place, but being at home, certain things make it a reality.  I've noticed that if Mike and I can keep ourselves busy, we are ok, but the second we let our minds relax, the reality is there and it is heartbreaking.  I feel like wanting to throw a tantrum, kicking and punching walls.  It's weird though because one moment I will feel ok, then the next, I break down.  I was searching for something in my drawer today and came across a zip lock bag that said, "Jaylen's first haircut", which was March of this year.  It made me realize that he will never have a haircut again and it sucks.  So many things that he won't be able to experience in this life or things that we won't be able to experience with him.  Parents just should not be allowed to lose children.

Kaia went back to school yesterday and like I said before, it was going to be hard to take her.  A week before the accident, Jaylen and Kaia had picture day and when I walked in there yesterday morning, the first thing they had for me were the pictures.  What a treasure!!!  I feel so lucky that we were able to have some professional, beautiful pictures of my baby boy before all of this.  Who knew that it would be his last??  I will tell you though, they bring a smile to my face and I am so lucky that I am his mom.  The daycare staff was so nice.  They let me know they cared, but didn't dwell, which is exactly what I need at this time.  It's hard to be around people because you want to know that they care, but you don't feel like talking a whole lot either.  A nice hug and a few words is perfect.

School portrait, Sept. 2013

Mike and I decided to go to the gym this morning.  This is the first time I have even attempted to exercise and it was hard!!!  Not physically, but mentally.  As I was running on the treadmill all I wanted to do was quit.  I had no strength, my body just felt defeated.  As I continued to run, I kept telling myself not to give up, to push through it.   It made me think of my life now and how I feel.  I so badly want to stop, give up, curl in a ball, and hide from the world, but I have to push through this.  I have to force myself to learn a new normal and carry on.  Just like I wouldn't let myself quit on the treadmill today, I will not let this tragedy get the best of me.  Whatever Mike and I are suppose to learn from this, we will try and learn.  We find ourselves already wanting to be better people.  Since all of this, we have learned that love is all that matters in this life.  We want to keep our home peaceful, we want our kids to get along, and we always want to be positive examples to our kids.  We just want to be better so we can be with Jaylen again.  That is all I want!!  I catch myself constantly looking around corners, hoping that he will appear.  I do believe that I will see Jaylen again, it may feel like an eternity before I do, but it gives me hope!!  So much hope!!

Going home

So many thoughts are running through my mind right now.  I'm sitting on the plane as we make our way back home to Dallas and can not get comfortable.  I read one of the books that was given to me on the first leg of the flight to Phoenix, but on this second leg, I am just too tired.  My body is beat, I'm am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, but not enough to let my body relax and sleep.

 As we got to Phoenix and were walking to our next gate, I almost felt as if I was in a movie where at that moment everything is silent and in slow motion, but so much going on around me.  Seeing parents with their young children, especially boys that look close to Jaylen's age is gut wrenching.  I fear going home and having to face the reality of it all, but at the same time I am so ready to be home.  There is no place like home, but in the midst of that, home will never be the same because a huge part of our home is missing.  I know we will feel Jaylen close, but I also know that every time we do something or look at something, there will be a memory of Jaylen.  I know in time that those memories will bring us great joy, but right now, in these next few weeks, it will be painful.

The thought of never having Jaylen pulling me to his room to get a box of cars out for him just so he can dump them out all over the family room floor hurts.  At times I didn't understand why he always did that, especially when he would only play with a few of them, but I would give anything to have him to do it again.  The thought of never having a dance party, wrestling match, riding bikes down the driveway, or Mike throwing him in the air, twisting and turning him, kills me (even though it killed me watching Mike throw him around).  Going for walks will never be the same.  For one, we always did it as a family, and for two, so many memories of the funny things Jaylen would do on the walks.

For Jaylen being as young as he was, we have built some amazing memories.  More than I could ever imagine and I wonder at times if Jaylen knew all along and was preparing us.  It's impossible to believe or understand why God would bless us with such an amazing spirit, only to know that he wouldn't be with us for very long, but for some reason, there is a plan and all I can do is believe.  Jaylen blessed our family more than he will ever know. We are closer than we have ever been. My relationship with Mike is stronger than it has ever been and I can't help but believe that it was part of Jaylen's mission.

I'm fearful of what's to come in the next few days as we go back home and are in front of friends and neighbors who are just hearing about our loss.  Part of what is so hard in this process is that other's are grieving as well.  Just when I feel like I'm ok, I see someone else's tears and it's hard to hold mine back.  I am at a point right now though, that I feel numb.  I feel like so much is going on around me, but silence is what I hear and feel.

I'm fearful for my kids to return to school.  I know that they need to get back to normalcy as soon as possible, but really, what is normal to us as a family now??  I don't think we will ever be the normal we once were.  We are going to have to build a new normal and I hope Mike and I will be able to help our kids through it.  I fear taking Kaia to preschool tomorrow.  She goes to preschool where Jaylen went to daycare two days a week.  Everyone there knows Jaylen, loves him, and are affected by this too.  I know they will want to ask how we are, and of course, if they didn't ask I would be sad, but at the same time, I have to face that I will never be taking Jaylen there again.  I'm not ready to start the new normal, but somehow that will be the only way to survive.

I'm big into exercising and since this event has taken place, I have had no desire to run.  I love running, lifting weights, etc. It is my therapy and I know that it would be good to start doing again, but again, the gym I go to, I would take Jaylen with me periodically.  When he and Kaia would come with me, everyone noticed them the second we walked in the doors.  I know if I go there now without Jaylen, people will wonder, people will ask, and how do you tell people that your baby boy has passed on??  In many ways it makes me feel like I failed as a parent, but I know that Mike and I are great parents.  It is hard though, to not feel like you failed.

All these fears, and starting over is the reality of this all and the reality is so very ugly.  I feel fortunate that we have felt the support that we have and a lot of that support is from people in Texas.  We questioned at one point if we should move back to Utah, but both Mike and I feel that Texas is our home now and it's where we are suppose to be.  Life will never be the same and when someone asks what they can do for us, all I can say is pray.  We need all the prayers we can get and not just now, months down the road.  So if you ever wonder what you can do, please just pray for our family.