Three Months...sigh

I miss him more and more each day

The three month mark has come and gone and as the months roll by, the pain I feel does not lessen.  It almost has become more because the shock has warn off and the reality that Jaylen is not coming home becomes more apparent. I go to sleep each night hoping to wake up to a new reality, that it was just a horrible dream, but the truth is, it is a horrible nightmare that I will live each day until we are reunited.  I will say, not every day is horrible, but it still is a challenge to wake up each day and live in this new normal.  I do have "good" days, but with those good days, there are just as many, if not more, bad days.  The one bearable thing about the bad days, is that I know a good day will come.

It has been very hard to feel the Christmas spirit this year. This time of year is usually my absolute favorite.  The spirit of Christmas usually brings such excitement and joy, but Mike and I were talking the other day and we both can not wait for it to be over.  I am so ready for the holidays to be done and a new year to start.  With a new year, I know my thoughts and feelings about Jaylen will not change, but I'm looking forward for life to slow down again.  Christmas time seems so busy and hectic, some days I feel that I don't even have a minute to breath.  I hate going any where right now.  You walk into a store and it's pure madness.  I don't have the energy or desire to be around that.  Since Jaylen's accident my mind has felt like like a bunch of scribbles on a piece of paper, so when I approach any store right now, it just adds to it and I'm already worn out just living day to day.  I look forward to some calmness again, even if it's just a little bit.

On Saturday I approached the stores one last time to get the stocking stuffers for my kids.  As I was walking around the store trying to figure out what I would get to fill them, I thought of Jaylen's stocking that will not be filled this year. I hung all five stockings up because he still is a huge part of our family, but it will not get filled.  For a moment, I thought, maybe I should buy some things to fill it, but then again, it would just sit there on Christmas untouched.  Either way, it will not be an easy morning.  Jaylen's stocking will either hang on the hook alone, or be filled and not touched.  I think that is one of the biggest challenge of this whole process, no matter what you do, there is a constant reminder that your child is missing.  It's not a trial that can be solved or just go away, it is something that I will work through daily for the rest of my life. Will it get easier with time?  Probably...but it will never end or go away.

At church yesterday in my Sunday School class, we were having a discussion on families being together forever. A sweet woman, who is probably in her late seventies, told a story of her first child, a daughter, who passed away in her womb at seven months.  As she began to tell of her story, she got extremely emotional talking of this child that she looks forward to being with again.  Listening to her, talking about the child she has been missing for all these years really effected me.  This sweet woman, still all these years later, mourns the loss of her sweet child.  I think of my sweet grandmother all the time also.  She lost a daughter, three days after she was born, unexpectedly.  My grandmother is almost 94 years old and has gone all these years missing her daughter.  The thought of being apart from Jaylen that many years is daunting. It did make me realize though, it will get easier, but missing him will never go away.  I don't think there will ever be a day go by where I will not think of Jaylen and miss him until that day I am reunited with him.  Whether it be a few short years or fifty, I will mourn for him and look forward to the reunion.  

My grandma and grandpa a few years before his passing.
She is an inspiration to me and one of my heroes!!

  
We head out to Utah on Christmas Day to spend some time with family and friends.  I look forward to being with them.  I'm grateful for the family and friends that I have.  I could not survive each day without them.

Dim Light

I think last week was one of the toughest weeks I have endured yet.  I'm not sure if it was because of the weather here or what, but it was one long week.  Moving from Utah to Texas you wouldn't think that an inch of snow would make the whole town shut down, but that is exactly what happened here.  I remember growing up in Utah and wishing so badly that school would get cancelled after a big storm, but rarely would that happen.  Last week I experienced the first winter storm in Texas and ended up not leaving my house for three days.  The kids schools shut down for two days, along with most businesses.  It was so different than what I have experienced in Utah and I think it added to my gloom.  Not seeing the sun shine, looking outside to see an inch of ice on the roads, then not leaving the house, it put me in a real downer.  I need sunshine.  I have always loved the warm weather, blue skies and the sun shining bright.  Sunshine brings happiness, just like my Jaylen.  

Fun in the sun are my favorite days

This Christmas season has been quite different from past years.  This time of year is usually my favorite.  I love Christmas music, love feeling the excitement in the air, but it's just not there.  I have not been able to listen to much Christmas music.  I have not felt the excitement around me.  All I think about is what is missing this year and what will not be here in the years to come.  It breaks my heart that I only got to spend two Christmases with Jaylen.  Nothing is better that waking up on Christmas morning and seeing the excitement on your kids face.  This year would have been the first year that Jaylen understood a little bit and I looked forward to experiencing that with him.  It just goes to show that you can't live for the future.  You have to live each minute in that moment because we never know what is to come.  I never thought that I would only get two Christmases, two Easters, two summers, one birthday, and so on.  None of us are promised tomorrow and now that this has happened, I know that I am not immune.  We always think it won't be us, but I can't think that way anymore.  

Our first appointment with The Warm Place was cancelled due to the weather and I was devastated.  My kids were devastated as well.  I know they have really looked forward to going and now we don't have our first group until January.   I also was looking forward to it because I have noticed my kids struggling more.  Kaia talks about Jaylen all the time and it is so hard.  She just doesn't understand, she wants to be with him now.  She told me the other day that she doesn't want to wait to see Jaylen, she wants to go now.  It is devastating to hear my five year old tell me these things.  One major challenge in all of this is as I'm trying to adjust to this new life and grieving, my kids are as well.  While I'm trying to figure out how to handle it all, I have to figure out how to help my kids too.  They are hurting, but when kids hurt, they don't always express in the way we need them too.  It becomes a challenge.  I've noticed that because I am hurting, I can become short with them and I don't want to be that mom, especially because I know now, more than ever, how precious our time is.  People tell me that hearing of my experience has made them a better parent.  I want to be a better parent as well, but at times I have nothing in me to give.  I hope that my children always know how much I love them and understand that this is an adjustment for all of us.  I think as kids, our parents make us feel so secure.  You never realize how much your parents went though, until you actually become a parent.   I hope that even though I make mistakes daily, my kids know that I am trying my best.

Jaylen at about 7 months old

We are headed to Utah on Christmas Day to spend time with family and friends.  It will be nice to be close to everyone again, but it will be another first.  The first time back in Utah since Jaylen's funeral. It will be the first time we head to the cemetery to visit our baby boy.  I know it will bring on a whole new set of emotions.  Sometimes I wish I could just push them all away and move forward, but unfortunately that is impossible.  My faith has really been tested this past week, I think more so than it ever has.  I have had questions that have never come to my mind before.  Sometimes it's easier to just go with the feeling rather than trying to figure it all out.  Those feelings that I felt so strongly in the beginning have left.  In the beginning, I felt arms wrapped around me so tight.  I felt so safe and protected, which seems impossible to feel in such a time of desperation.  As the time has passed though, the arms have slowly loosened to the point that I can't feel them anymore.   I feel as if I'm on my own trying to push through and at times I don't know how I'm doing it.  There are a few parents that I have been in contact with that all say the same thing.  We are so blessed with the comfort we feel in the beginning, it's something that you can't really describe unless you have experienced it yourself.  They all have said that the later months are where it gets tough and I'm starting to realize that now.  Somehow, someway it will be better one day, but it will be a long road with a lot of bumps on the way.  

My rock and best friend

I feel blessed that I have the love and support that I do.  I could not do this without my friends and family.  My husband still makes sure I am okay each and every day.  If I cry, his shoulder is there.  He is broken himself, but he never forgets about me.  I have friends who check on me constantly.  They may not think it's a big deal, but it means a lot.  Especially on those days where I'm living minute by minute.  Then, I have made friends with other women who have experienced this same tragedy, unfortunately.  I can honestly say though, we will be friends for life.  I look forward to a face to face reunion with them one day soon.  


The 21st day of each month is a dreadful day.  It is approaching quickly this month and it will be three months since I've seen my baby boy alive.  Three months since I felt his little warm body.  I miss holding him.  I miss watching him line his cars up one by one on the couch.  I miss the excitement in his eyes when he would see me first thing in the morning.  Three months feels so long, but in forever, it is a blink of an eye.  I hope the day Jaylen and I reunite, it will feel like it was just that, a blink, because it sure feels far away. 

Can I wake up yet?

My love!

I have sat down at the computer a few times this past week, but just have not had it in me to write.  I write to let my emotions out, along with making a journal of events so hopefully I will be able to look back one day and see that I "made it" through this horrible nightmare.  I've had a really up and down week, I don't know if it's because of the holiday season or what, but my emotions have been all over the place.  

Thanksgiving turned out to be a really good day for me, which I was grateful, but Mike struggled a bit.  I'm grateful that not all of our bad days are on the same day.  When one of us is down, it helps that the other isn't so we can be the rock for that day.  It's not always like that, there are days where we both really struggle, but fortunately there aren't too many.  We were able to spend Thanksgiving at my sister's house with a few other families that are friends of my sister.  It is so nice to have her so close.  I think it makes the holidays a little easier, not feeling so far away from home.  Texas feels like home now definitely, but Utah is always "home".  My family is there, my closest friends are there, and Jaylen's resting spot is there so I can't help but feel far away at times.  

Last weekend we took the kids to pick out a Christmas Tree.  This is our first year to have a real tree. I have always used an artificial one because I am horrible at remembering to water plants, flowers, etc.  Anytime I have had a plant, it has not lasted very long because I don't know how to keep it alive.  Anyway, when we moved we had to leave a lot of things behind because I rented the wrong size moving truck and we couldn't fit all our stuff in it.  We ended leaving our artificial tree (an unimportant item) and so it's our first year experiencing a real tree.  I love the smell of it.  I walk in my home and it smells like Christmas.  Decorating the tree was a hard moment for me though.  I couldn't help but think about Jaylen not being here to enjoy these moments.  I remember last year that within a few days of decorating,  Jaylen had broke maybe four or five ornaments because he would take them off the tree thinking it was a ball to play with.  By Christmas, I think I had removed almost all the ornaments on the bottom half so he could not get to them.

 As I was watching Kaia and Ian decorate the tree, getting so excited, I couldn't help but feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach.  I've always been pretty OCD when it comes to how my tree looks.  After the kids decorate, I like to go in and fix it to look how I would want it, but this year I didn't care.  The little things don't matter to me anymore.  As the kids were pulling out the ornaments, they pulled some out that they had made in previous years.  Some with pictures of them on them and it was funny because I looked at those ornaments and got emotional.  It made me realize that I will never have an ornament that Jaylen will make at school with his picture on it.  Of all my ornaments, that is one that I want, but will never get.  

As I was pulling out the stockings, there was no doubt that I was going to hang five of them. I was frustrated though because we don't have a fireplace with a mantle this year so I was trying to figure out where to hang them all together.  I have a shelf on our wall, but it only has four hooks and I was not about to leave Jaylen out. I ended up taping the fifth stocking in-between all the hooks.  I never want to leave Jaylen out of anything, even if he isn't here physically.  I sit here everyday wondering how this really is my reality??  My two year old son is not here to experience his third Christmas with us.  I still don't understand it.  There are days that I just wish I could wake up and it all be over, the nightmare was really a nightmare, and Jaylen be here, but that's not the case.  Some days I really do feel like I'm having an outer body experience and that I'm not really living this.  The range of emotions are just so out there.  

I miss him so much!!!

We were driving to church last Sunday morning, I was feeling a little emotional that morning and as I looked in the back seat, I could see Kaia was too.  I asked her if she was okay and she said "no".  We started talking a little bit about Christmas and how we get to go to Utah to see family in a few weeks. A few minutes later, Kaia says to me, "Mom, do you think when we go to Utah, we could build a stairway to Heaven, get Jaylen and bring him home with us?"  Talk about break my heart.  She says the sweetest things out of no where and I'm amazed at the thoughts she has.  As hard as this has been for Mike and I, I see in my kids, the hurt and confusion that they have.  I've always heard that the months after the accident are when it gets hard.  After the shock has warn off and the reality of it all starts to sink in.  I think for me, I go through a cycle of emotions and have since this all happened, but I can see my kids starting to struggle now.  I'm so grateful that we have The Warm Place to go to for them because I am at a loss on how to help them.  Mike and I are learning how to handle our own grief, then to watch Kaia and Ian struggle, but not be able to express what they are feeling is tough.  I have heard nothing but positive things about The Warm Place so I'm grateful that it is available to them and us as a family.  Our first real appointment is Monday night, so I am looking forward to getting them involved in it. 

After my marathon July 2012

Since all of this has happened, I have tried to think of how I can turn Jaylen's tragedy into something positive.  As I was on a run last Saturday morning, I had an idea come to mind.  Running has always been very therapeutic to me and after my brother died, I started running more and more.  The year after my brother passed, my family ran a relay race called Ragnar, in memory of him.  After that race, I started wanting to run more.  Since his passing, I have ran a few half marathons and completed my first marathon in July 2012.  It was a huge accomplishment and one I always wanted to do.  Anyway, running is where I feel close to Jaylen and where maybe I can make a difference.  The idea came to mind that I will start looking for races in my area that benefit a good cause.  As I started thinking about this, I know that me, as one person, can't make a difference, but if I get more people involved, maybe we, as a whole, can make a difference.  After I came home from my run last week, I got on the computer and emailed my family my idea.  I thought, if I can get them involved and they get their friends involved, maybe we can make a little bit of difference in someone else's life by signing up for these races, bringing more awareness to the cause and our entry fee going towards the cause.  So my thought was, I will use Jaylen's Spreading Sunshine for Jaylen Facebook page to hopefully post of races available to run.  Maybe as I post these races, people will want to join in, participate and post races that they are aware of too.  It would be good too because we're not only running for a good cause but getting in shape at the same time.  Not only would people have to run, I know they have walk-a-thons as well, where it may be easier for some who can't run or don't like to.   I don't know if it will ever be anything that will make a huge difference, but it is something that I look forward to do and maybe others will follow in my steps.  Jaylen was the kind of child that would've made a difference in this world if he had been given the opportunity, so I hope that even though he is not physically here, something good will come from this tragedy.

St. George half marathon January 2013

Ian, my sister and running buddy, Caron, with her son Jackson

Time Keeps Going

Too Cute!!!

I woke up this morning early.  I'm not sure if it was because Kaia kept elbowing me in my back or what, but the moment I wake, my mind goes straight to Jaylen.  It is always on Jaylen, but when the house is quiet and dark, it goes to the thoughts that I don't like so I decided to get up and write.  The past week has been a pretty decent one.  I have been able to function in a decent manner which is nice, but it is still not easy.  Never in my life have I wanted so badly to just feel normal again.  I so badly wish I could wake up with no pain, look forward to the day, have my mind relax for just one minute, but it has been just over two months since the accident.  I know that it is going take a lot longer than that and my normal will never be what it was.  

Mike and I were able to spend a night together this weekend.  We had originally planned a night away, but just didn't feel like going too far.  My sister had planned on taking Ian and Kaia over night originally and they were really looking forward to it so they went anyway.  I have always looked forward to a little time with just Mike and I.  Life is busy with three kids and it's nice to have the time together, but it was a lot different this time.  I still enjoyed the time, but it was too quiet.  Our house is already too quiet without Jaylen, then to have Ian and Kaia not here either, it was just too empty.  We were able to get most our Christmas shopping done which was nice, but I sure did miss my kids more that I normally would for being gone just one night.  They had a great time though and I wouldn't want it any other way.   

Christmas 2011

A lot of people have asked me lately how I am doing now that the holidays are approaching and I can honestly say that I don't think it makes a difference.  I don't think my day will be any different today then how I will feel tomorrow on Thanksgiving, or even in a month on Christmas.  The pain is still there, Jaylen is not coming home.  The heartbreak doesn't get stronger on holidays, I miss him every single minute, and it will be that way whether it's a holiday or not.  The void is there regardless.  It makes me sad that he only was able to celebrate two Thanksgivings and two Christmases with us, but it makes me sad that I don't get to have Monday of next week with him either.  That is why I have to focus on making these holidays positive, finding something positive to do.  I hope to be able to help others this holiday season, even if it's something small.  I need a purpose now and there is nothing better that helping others.

We went to The Warm Place last week and the kids really enjoyed it.  I think it will be a very positive thing, but it was a challenging day.  They needed to know about the accident and how we were doing so far.  Any time that we have to relive that night, it puts us in a very dark place.  Mike and I really struggled the whole day after we left.  I know it is good to talk about and some day I think we will be able to go there, but at this point, it is just so painful still.  I have to block it out, if I don't,  it is unbearable.  The memories are way too vivid and they aren't good ones. There was so much hope that night that was shattered.  Kaia and Ian both have come into my room this week, crying, telling me that they miss Jaylen.  Nothing breaks my heart more that seeing my kids crying for their little brother.  Most times, I just cry with them and let them know that it's okay.  That he is here watching over us and we will be with him again.  So, I hope that with time and going to The Warm Place, we will all be in a better place.  

Silly faces

Last night was tumbling for the kids, which they are really enjoying.  Afterwards we took them to Peter Piper Pizza to have a little fun.  I have only been there once since we have lived here, it was for Kaia's birthday and Jaylen was with us.  It's hard to have those memories of something he was with us doing the last time.  There are a lot of last times and it just sucks, point blank!  We then came home and watched a movie.  As we were watching the movie, I started taking pictures with Kaia as she was making funny faces.  Then I had Ian get in some with us.  As I looked at the pictures after, I couldn't help but see the big void in it.  Jaylen should be in it with us, but he is not.  I still don't understand, I don't know that I will until I am with him again, but I do know that he is something amazing.  Too good for this evil world and I know he is watching closely over us here.  He wants his family happy and he is making sure we will be.

Missing one

Dreaded Mail

Such a cool little dude

I think I'm back to that numb stage.  I woke up yesterday in a mood of no feeling.  It's the feeling again of where I am here physically, but not aware of all that is going on around me.  I compare it to a bunch of scribbles on paper,  that is what my mind and head are feeling and saying.  There really are so many waves of emotions that come with this process.  

Mike and I this summer

When I got done with work yesterday, I asked Mike if he wanted to go on a walk.  The weather has been beautiful and I like taking advantage of it.  The kids were with friends playing so it was just Mike and I .  I really enjoy those moments where he and I can just walk and enjoy the peacefulness of being outside together.  We are able to talk about so many things and I'm just so grateful for the relationship that I have with him.  Experiencing something like this as parents, to our child, is unreal.  We still talk in disbelief and confusion.  There are still many days where we just stare into space, lost, but we are still waking up each day and going forward as much as we can.

When we got home from our walk, I grabbed the mail out of the mailbox.  We had received a large envelope from the mortuary.   Mike and I looked at each other, wondering what it could be.  Anytime we have received any type of mail that relates to the accident, Mike and I are hesitant to open it because it is a reminder of what happened.  I debated if I should open this envelope, but my curiosity got the best of me.  It was definitely not what I was expecting.  I didn't even have to pull the information out to know what it was.  I looked in there and knew that it was Jaylen's death certificate.  That was a horrible feeling to have that in my hands.  I think I still block a lot of the events out of my mind because if I don't, my days are worse.  Yesterday was a huge reality check, a punch in the stomach.  As parents, I think we all look forward to getting our child's birth certificate after they are born, but never anticipate seeing their death certificate.  Of all the certificates our children can earn in their lifetime, this is one that no parent should see.  It is the most uneasy feeling.  After I saw what it was, I  left it in the envelope, put it where I don't have to look at it, and let the tears flow.  

The loves of my life!

I have really tried to control when I show my emotion around my other kids.  I am very open about how it is okay to be sad and miss Jaylen.  If I cry, I express that it is okay as well, but I don't want them to see me crying as much as I do.  I feel that it's good for my children to understand emotion and that it isn't always bad to cry, but I also don't want them to grow up remembering that their mom was sad all the time.  When ever they cry about Jaylen, I let them express it all they want.  I don't ever want to teach them to hold it in, but I do feel that at times I need to control my emotions around them.  I don't cry all the time, but I have moments and a lot of times in those moments, I will excuse myself so they don't have to see it.  

Best Friends

There is a non-profit place in Fort Worth that is for families who have lost a close loved one.  It's called The Warm Place and we are taking our family there tomorrow.  I am really looking forward to it.  It is mainly for children who have lost someone close.  It's a place that they can interact with other children their age going through similar things.  Since the accident I have noticed the most change in Kaia and I'm hoping that this can help her.  At times I am at a loss on how to help her express her feelings, but I hear they do a play therapy with the children and I hope that it will help her.   Along with helping the kids, it has all the families gather monthly who are in our similar situation.  I'm looking forward to having that interaction.  I have already built a strong bond with a couple of other mom's who have lost a child also and it has been a saving grace for me.  These other mom's have helped me so much so I'm hoping that going to The Warm Place will be positive for not only my kids, but our whole family.

The Wave of Storms

This past week has been an interesting one.  I had some very positive days, but I know I can't get too comfortable with the positive days because I know more hard ones are to come. We had a good weekend, keeping busy.  Saturday night we had some friends come over for cards, which is nice and helps keep our minds off of the pain.  Then I got up early for church Sunday.  We have been attending my sisters church, which is about 35 minutes away and it starts at 8:30 in the morning.  I am not a morning person.  Having kids has helped me to become better, but I still struggle to get going in the mornings, especially now with trying to adjust without Jaylen.  Anyway, we made it to church and it has been an up and down battle there.  I know Satan is working hard on me because he wants me discouraged and sad.  He does not want me to overcome this heartbreak and he wants me mad at God.  I have never once been mad at God, but there are times that I get discouraged though because I want answers and can be impatient.  I did have a positive day at church though and people have been so nice to us.  After church, my kids always want to go to my sisters house to play with cousins so we went and spent a little time over there after.  I have really enjoyed living close to my sister again.  She has lived in Texas 11 years now so I wouldn't get to see her much except when she would visit, which was maybe twice a year.  Since moving here, we have been able to spent quite a bit of time together and I have really enjoyed it.  She and her husband have been a great support to Mike and I, along with all of their friends.

My sister Rebecca and I after Jaylen's funeral

As I woke up Monday my mood had changed from feeling hopeful and positive to missing Jaylen so much.  It is crazy how the emotions are so up and down and come in waves.  Those days that I feel positive, I have the attitude that I'm going to be fine, we are going to get through this (which I know we will), but on those other days, it's hard to get through each minute.  Since all of this has happened, I have not slept well.  I am getting sleep and not relying on the sleeping pills anymore, but I can tell I'm stressed in my sleep and don't sleep soundly.  The past two nights I have had some crazy dreams too.  I wish they were dreams of Jaylen coming to me, but they are more of me trying to get to him and can't.  It's amazing how dreams can be so parallel to what you are going through in your daily life at the time.  Even when I am asleep, I can tell that Jaylen is still on my mind constantly.  I don't think there is a second in the day that goes by where I don't think about him and question if I am really living this nightmare?  But it's like GroundHog Day, I wake up each day and relive another day without him.

As we have entered into November and the holiday season, I have tried to focus on the blessings I do have and the things I can be grateful for.  Despite this tragedy, I still have so much to be thankful for.  I have two amazing parents, who have been together 46 years and still are so in love.  They are a huge example to me and have been amazing parents to their eight children and grandparents to their 26 grandchildren.  I have siblings, who throughout our lives have had our differences, but when it comes down to it, I know that we are there for one another no matter what.  I have more recently gotten to know Mike's family better and feel fortunate to call them my family also.  I still have two healthy children here with me who brighten my days, even in these dark times.  I have a husband, who through our years and our struggles, has stuck by my side and vice versa.  He is an amazing father and loves me very much.  I work for an amazing company who has been more than understanding while I learn to adjust to my new life.  I have a warm house, food on the table, clothes to wear everyday, friends that check in on me constantly, etc. the list could go on and on.  Even in this horrific time in my life, I can still see all the blessings I have and I know God is carrying me through this.

My Family after Jaylen's funeral

 I walked in Walmart with Kaia last night to grab a few groceries.  As I walked in, they had already put out all their Christmas items.  As we start walking towards where we needed to go, they had display after display of toys that I would want to get Jaylen.  I see these things and I have to look away.  I know as we get closer to the holidays, it will be hard to see these things every where we go.  It's already hard just to be out, but with reminders that the holidays are approaching and Jaylen won't be here to celebrate with us will be a challenge.  I try not to let those things get me down and I really want to focus on the true meaning of Christmas this year.  I've never truly focused on the true meaning, but I hope I can help to serve more this Christmas and teach my kids more about the true meaning as well.  I know that I have a lot of hard times ahead, the good and bad days come in waves, but I know with bad days, good days will come too.

Better Days

The past few days have been a little better.  There still is not a day that goes by where I don't shed tears, but I haven't had the unbearable moments that I experienced last week.  I feel in some ways that I have been blessed to block a lot of it out of my mind this week.  I've noticed that if I don't allow my mind to start thinking too deeply, I am okay.  Most the tears shed now are because of how much I miss him.  The other day I was struggling because the longer it goes, the more I feel that I dreamt Jaylen was here.  His time was so short with us, but we have all the pictures and memories to remind us that he was with us and that I didn't dream it.  To help me feel a little better, I woke up this morning and started writing down all my memories of Jaylen.  Before I knew it, I had two pages full. I also decided to ask my kids to tell me their memories.  It was so sweet and I know that in years to come, we will love going back and read everything.  He is such a light to our family.

Kara and her daughter Mia

Over the years I have built some great friendships and through this tragedy it has really strengthened some.  I have a friend who does not go a day without checking in on me.  She has a busy life, she's a working mother and wife, but still does not forget about what I am going through daily.  Along with not only checking on me, she has been to visit Jaylen's grave probably four or five times.  Every time she goes, she will send me a picture.  She and her five year old daughter take a car every time and read him a story.  Even though she has a lot going on, she still takes out time to check in on my little boy because she knows it's important to me and I can't be there to do it.  Kara, I love you and am so grateful for your friendship!!  

We were able to pick out Jaylen's headstone before we came back to Texas after the funeral.  The reason we did it so quickly was because there are certain times of the year that the stone can be set.  In Utah, I think it has to be done by the end of October.  My brother passed away four years ago.  He had a temporary stone set until a permanent stone had been picked out.  With everything that went on after my brother's incident, it took a while to get the headstone done, but his wife finally found the one she loved and coincidentally it was ready to be set right after Jaylen's accident.  We were able to put together the perfect headstone for Jaylen and it was able to be set the same day as my brother's.  It turned out perfect.  As hard as it was picking out the headstone, I'm grateful that we were able to have it done before the snow fell.  There is nothing worse than sitting in a stone store designing your two year old's headstone, but for the mindset we were in, I think we picked a pretty good one.  

My mom leaving balloons for Jaylen and Brian

 I'm not a huge fan of the cemetery.  When my brother passed away, I always felt him close while on a run.  I feel the same with Jaylen.  I'm so grateful that I have friends and family that will visit him.  I plan to every time I am in Utah, but I don't think of Jaylen there.  I feel his spirit here with us.  I know that is the resting place for his physical body, but his spirit still lives and he is close.  I talk to him every time I am on a run and I feel him with me. 

On one of our walks this summer

We went on a walk as a family the other night for the first time since the accident.  It was something that I have wanted to do, but wasn't sure if I was ready to.  We did it all the time before the accident and it was something we looked forward to doing all together.   Many times Jaylen would insist on riding his power wheel for the start of it, but half way through we would be carrying it and he would be in and out of the stroller as he would explore all around him.  I was nervous to start walking again, there are so many great memories of us doing it this summer and I feared the feelings that I would have going without him.  It definitely was different, but I was still able to enjoy it.  I knew he was missing.  I wished he was right there with us, but I'm grateful that we were able to take that step and do something that we used to.  All that we do now is different, there is a void, but we are learning to adjust.  I still struggle every day, but I feel that we, as a family, are surviving this tragedy and not letting it get the best of us.  I still struggle looking at the pictures, I have not been able to watch any videos, but we are taking those baby steps to move towards our new normal.  I'm hopeful and I'm grateful that I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. 

Dark Days

This past week has been an interesting one.  It started out pretty good, but as my parents left and we celebrated Halloween, it turned into a very dark week.  I think it has actually been one of the darkest since this has all happened.  I know that is part of the whole process, but the dark days are scary.  I live in each moment, trying to figure out how I'm going to make it to the next.  I've been fortunate to meet some other mom's who have lost children this past year as well.  It makes me sad to think of the reason I have met these amazing women, but they have been so helpful to me.  One night I was really struggling and didn't know where to turn.  I don't like to always go to Mike because he is struggling in his own way and with family and friends, they can be there, but don't fully understand the feelings that I'm experiencing.  Anyway, I decided to send a message to one of these mom's that night and she immediately responded, concerned, and was so ready to help me in any way that she could.  It amazed me that even though she is grieving for the loss of her baby boy, she was still there to do what ever she could to help me through that moment.  Both of these mother's that I have been talking with live in Utah, so I have yet to meet them face to face, but already feel a real connection to them.

There is just something about a mother losing her child.  We feel a connection with the baby once we find out we are pregnant.  Nine months before even meeting the child, there is a bond that is formed that is unbreakable.  Then the moment that child is layed on our chest after it's first breath, it's a love that can never be reversed.  I have so much love for all of my children.  I have tried to create a bond with each one of them individually and with Jaylen's passing, I am grateful that I was able to connect with him so deeply in those short two years.  There are days that I miss him so much that I just don't know how I'm going to go on another day.  I described to one of my friends that on most days, the simplest of tasks feel like I have an extra thousand pounds on my body as I try to complete them.  There are days I feel like I can't do one simple thing, getting dressed is an accomplishment.  Then, there are other days that I can get a lot done.  I told Mike that I need to take advantage of those days because there aren't too many of them.

 Halloween was a struggle.  I was doing okay for most the day, until it came time to get the kids ready to trick or treat.  We had a few extra pumpkins that had not been carved and Kaia kept begging me to help her carve them.  I really didn't want to and time was short, but I decided we would.  As I was helping her all I could think about was that I will never have the opportunity to carve a pumpkin with Jaylen.  He was too young last year to do it.   After we finished carving the pumpkin, we got ready to trick or treat.  Mike stayed home to hand out candy, so I took the kids out.  As I would walk from house to house, I would see other children that looked close to Jaylen's age and it was just sad.  Again, Jaylen was too young to understand what trick or treating was last year, but I know that he would have been loving it this year.  As I looked at these other parents with their young children, I just kept thinking to myself, "do they know how lucky they are?"  I would also ask myself, "why do they get to have their two year old and I don't?"  I know I shouldn't ask why, but it's hard not to.

I still fully believe that God does not take anyone before their time, but it's hard to accept that Jaylen's time was a short two years.  I'm at peace with his passing, but it doesn't mean that I'm okay with it.  Kaia and I went grocery shopping yesterday (another task that takes everything in me to do these days) and as we were pulling into the parking lot she says to me, "Mom, I wish that Jaylen just could have kept his wet pants on and we could've just put him in his bed after and he be okay."  I said, "Me too, Kaia, me too", but the reality is, that was not the plan for our sweet boy.  He was sent to us to teach us something.  I'm still trying to figure out all that it is and I'm not sure if I will ever fully understand, but I would take those two years over again in a heartbeat, knowing that he would be taken from me again.  He has changed my life forever.

Baby Steps...

Jaylen was born ten weeks early.  My water broke in the middle of the night at 29 weeks.  The doctors were able to hold off delivering him for four days.  We were hoping that he would stay in for a few more weeks, but he just couldn't wait to get here.  I was terrified of what was to come when I was delivering him, but he came out so strong.  Being that early, the biggest concern is the lung development.  Jaylen came out screaming and was not once put on a ventilator to help him breath.  All the nurses in the NICU were amazed at how well he did.  He soared through his time in there.  The staff told me to plan on Jaylen being there until at least his due date, but he was released 5 weeks later, days before Halloween.  Two years ago, I had my beautiful 3 pound miracle home in my arms, healthy and perfect!!

Halloween 2011

 As his first year went by, he was slow to reach milestones, but it never stopped him.  He continue to grow, it took him until he was almost 11 months to crawl, but a week after his first birthday, he was walking.  From that moment, nothing has slowed him down and there was no sign of being a preemie.  He amazed us all!!

I look back on Jaylen and how his premature birth did not stop him from accomplishing the things he wanted to accomplish.  This morning I woke up early and started thinking about that.  It kind of made me think about this process I am experiencing now.  His death was so premature.  Burying a child is something that no parent ever thinks they will have to do, but it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY!  Jaylen pushed through his first year to not let his early arrival get him down, I am not going to let his premature death get me down either.  I will stumble, over and over, but I will pick myself back up and try again.  I have days that are bearable, days I float by, and days that I'm living minute by minute, but I have a will to learn and grow from this and will find my new way.  Jaylen inspired me from the moment he was here and he will continue to inspire me.

Truly an Angel

My parents have been here with us this past week, but last night they left to spend a couple days with my sister before heading back home.  It has been so nice and such a blessing.  Having company has helped fill some of the void in our home.  When we first got back from being in Utah, our home felt so quiet and empty.  While having them here, a part of that emptiness went away.  As we got home from being at the kids tumbling class last night, we were back to feeling a little bit of that emptiness.  There will always be a void, but with distractions around us, we don't notice it as much.  Now that it's back to just the four of us in the home, I feel that void very strongly again.  I know that if my parents could, they would have stayed for as long as we needed, but they need to get back to their home.

Always up to something!!

Each new day brings on a new challenge and with each new challenge, I have to take it on.  I have had numerous trials in my life, but this is by far my biggest.  There are days that I want to give up, but then I look at those big brown eyes of Jaylen and tell him, "I will be better because of you"!!  My other kids deserve a happy mom.  My husband deserves a loving wife.  Jaylen was given to me to teach me, and I think because of him, I am learning the biggest lesson in my life.

The Battle...

The past few days have been interesting.  I will be feeling pretty good, but certain moments throughout the day I catch myself thinking about Jaylen deeply and my heart starts to pound fast.  I have had such a peaceful feeling that this is part of a bigger plan, but even with that peace, I still struggle.  If I start thinking too much, I have to try and shift my focus on to other thoughts.  If I don't, it can turn into something that is almost unbearable.

My parents got here on Thursday and it has been great having them.  I've noticed that when I'm around those closest to me, it's easier to not have horrible breakdowns.  We will have conversations of Jaylen, but they are uplifting.  Tears are shed at times, but it's controllable.  What's hard these days is that the longer it goes since Jaylen has been with us, the more I lose the feeling of what is was like to have him with us every day.  I hate that feeling!  In some ways I feel as if I'm betraying Jaylen because he should be here.   We should be laughing at the silly things he does.  We should be pulling out our hair with the craziness, but instead we are learning to live without him.  In so many ways it's not right, but it is what we have to do.

Ian won "scariest costume".

Yesterday was one month since his 2nd birthday and I had friends checking in on me to make sure I was doing okay.  In all reality though, it's not the anniversaries that hurt these days.  What I struggle most with are the daily reminders that he is not here.  When I walk in his room and see his empty crib, his pile of toys that have not been played with, his bikes in the garage that don't move, his blanket that I sleep with every night, I could go on and on.  There is no way escaping from  it and it's so tough!  I know that as the holidays come around it will be tough too.  My kids had opportunity to go to a trunk-or-treat last night, I knew that they would have a good time so we went.  It was great to see them get dressed in their costumes and have fun.  I enjoyed it as well, but in the back of my mind, there still was that thought that Jaylen was missing it.  I had already picked out a costume for him to wear this year and I'm sad that he isn't able to.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  I love the feeling December brings, the music, the family gatherings, etc.  I know that this year will not have that same excitement.  With each holiday, Jaylen will be missing and that will bring an emptiness that I haven't had before.

My little tiger

I've been running a little more often, but not at the gym.  I have come to enjoy being on the roads where I can just zone out.  Today as I was running though, a firetruck came rushing down the road with it's siren and lights on.  I get a sick feeling in my stomach anytime I see a firetruck or ambulance now.  It is a horrible reminder of that tragic night.  The firefighters and police officers that assisted us that night were more than great, but any reminder of it just hurts.

I have noticed that I'm able to control my emotions a little more now, but there still has not been a day that tears have not been shed.  We were at dinner tonight with my sister's family and parents, all having a good time.  For a minute, I found myself not thinking about Jaylen, but that didn't last very long.   I notice that I can find myself having a decent time, but then I remember that Jaylen isn't with us causing some kind of ruckus.  We use to hate going to restaurants because Jaylen would not sit still and it was more stressful than it was worth.  I would do anything to have him climbing on me or spilling his food all over again.  I've learned that as challenging as it is to be a parent at times, those challenges are some of my greatest memories now.  He was by far my busiest child and into the most mischief, but I have thousands of memories that were created is his short two years.

One of the few times Jaylen was upset because I didn't want him to take off running away from us.

I miss him more that words could ever express.  This is the hardest battle that I have ever had to endure, but again, I will continue to try and focus on the positive and what I am suppose to learn from this.  I will never be the same person, but hope that I can continue to better myself each and every day.

My Angel

I woke up feeling pretty good today.  Monday was a real struggle for me, but the past two days have been pretty good.  I'm trying to focus on the positive and what I can do from this point on to be better.  As hard as it can be at times, I know that is what I need to do.  I miss Jaylen.  I don't think that will ever go away, but in order to move forward and be a good wife and mom to my other children, I need to be positive and be there for them.  Jaylen wants us happy and I am trying to do that for him.  It doesn't mean that it will always be easy or that tears won't be shed, but I will try.

My sister in law, who was married to my brother Brian, helped watched my kids periodically before we moved to Texas.  I feel that we have built a strong bond over the past few years due to the fact that Brian and I always had a close relationship.  Today I woke up and noticed an email from her.  It was a video that she had taken of Jaylen a few months back when she had watched him.  In the email she said, "you will love this and hate it at the same time".  She was so right!  I woke up feeling good this morning and thought maybe today would be the first day that tears wouldn't be shed.  I was wrong.  When I watched the video, tears fell down my cheeks, but they were both tears of joy and sadness.  Joy because of the video and what it entailed, but sadness because of what I miss .  Anna has been through the heartbreak. She understands.  She may not have lost a child, but she lost her husband in a very traumatic way as well.  She gives me hope.  She is such an amazing person and I look up to her.

 As I face each new day, I know I will continue to shed tears of joy and sadness.  Hopefully as time goes on there will be more tears of happiness and that the memories we do have, will bring a smile to our faces.  It is hard to watch the videos and look at pictures now, but I know that one day they will be our greatest treasure.

When Jaylen was born and we were finally able to bring home after being in the NICU for five weeks. There was a presence that he brought to our home that was different than the rest of my children.  Of course I feel that all of my children are amazing, but there was something different about Jaylen.  Something so special.  I remember one day, Jaylen was maybe 10 months old or so, he was just sitting on our bed and I got emotional.  I looked at Mike and said, "there is something so special about this little boy.  It feels as if we have a special angel present in our home".  I had no idea how much truth those words would have until now.  As much as I struggle not having Jaylen here physically present, I know that he was sent to our family for a purpose.  I wish the purpose had been for him to stay longer, but I'm grateful that I got to have the most amazing two years with him that I did.  He is our angel and will always be.  I love you JAYLEN!

One Month...

Today it makes it one month exactly since the accident.  One month since I have held my baby boy in my arms.  One month since I have kissed his sweet face.  One month since I have looked directly into his big brown eyes and told him how much I love him.  One month since I have watched him play cars, ride his bike down our driveway, hear him call me mommy, and so on.  It feels as if it's been an eternity!!  I ache to hold him in my arms, kiss him, and tell him I love him.  The thought never crossed my mind that I would not be holding him today.  You always hear the stories of other children passing on, always worry about something happening to your own children, but never think that anything so tragic would really happen.  I watch my kids so closely.  My family has joked with me because I can be a bit over protective at times, but it has made me realize that we can't prevent everything.  If I didn't truly believe that this was God's plan, I would live with a lot of guilt.  It's hard not to.  I have really struggled with those feelings and feeling as if I failed Jaylen as a mother .  I try not to let myself go there because it could bring me down to an even darker place, but it's hard not to at times.

I've struggled sleeping again and I'm sure it will be an up and down battle for awhile.  Periodically I will take a sleeping pill just so my body can get some rest, but I can tell that it's breaking down.  I feel exhausted during the day, but know that if I were to lay down, I wouldn't sleep.  If I try, most times, I will close my eyes and start reliving that night.  I mostly have tried to block it out of my mind, but I can't completely and it haunts me.  We happened to drive by the hospital that Jaylen was taken to the other day by accident and tears started flowing down my face just thinking about what took place there.  I struggle with the thought of ever having to go there again.  It's a really good children's hospital so I hope that my other children will never have to go there for anything.  I don't know that I would be able to, it's too painful to think of what we went through while being there.

We took the kids to a pumpkin patch yesterday.  I have never been and have always wanted to go so we found one that was fairly close.  One of the last things we did was go on a hay ride.  As we all got on, a woman sat down in front of us holding her daughter who looked as if she was probably Jaylen's age.  While on the ride I watched this little girl point out to things, talking in her toddler talk, telling her mom what she was seeing.  It was so cute to watch how excited she would get, but it hurt my heart.  All I wanted was for Jaylen to be on that ride with us, doing those same things.  Being out and about, watching other children that look about Jaylen's age with their parents is tough.  Most times I can't even watch, I have to turn my head and look the other way.  I know with time that it will get easier, but it's tough.  It's the little things that you don't think about.  Being in a store, seeing a pair of shoes that would fit Jaylen, a Halloween costume, a toy car, a bag a Cheetos.  It's everywhere and something that we can't escape.

Last week I really had some hard days.  On Saturday I pushed myself to go on a long run.  Since we moved to Texas, it's been hard for me to run for very long outside with the humidity and heat.  It is starting to cool down so it makes it a little easier.  I didn't plan a distance to go that day, but just ran.  It's hard to push myself at times but when I get done, I feel better.  I know that with this new life I have to adjust to, the more I push myself, the better I will feel as well.  It would be so easy to stay in bed, not get dressed, basically give up, but I know that it would only do more harm.  I  have to push, even when I feel I can't.

The longer it goes that Jaylen is not with us physically, the more I rely on the memories that we have created.  I hate that we won't create more.   As the time passes, it seems as if Jaylen was only here for a split second.  It definitely wasn't long enough and I worry as the time goes on, it will be hard to remember what it felt like with him here.  He is missed so much, but as we adjust to our new normal, we have to create memories without him.  In years to come, all I'll have are these short two years that he was with us to remember.  I miss him, my body aches for him, and I can't wait for the day that I will get  to be with him again.

Jaylen and I were playing cars together