Baby Steps...

Jaylen was born ten weeks early.  My water broke in the middle of the night at 29 weeks.  The doctors were able to hold off delivering him for four days.  We were hoping that he would stay in for a few more weeks, but he just couldn't wait to get here.  I was terrified of what was to come when I was delivering him, but he came out so strong.  Being that early, the biggest concern is the lung development.  Jaylen came out screaming and was not once put on a ventilator to help him breath.  All the nurses in the NICU were amazed at how well he did.  He soared through his time in there.  The staff told me to plan on Jaylen being there until at least his due date, but he was released 5 weeks later, days before Halloween.  Two years ago, I had my beautiful 3 pound miracle home in my arms, healthy and perfect!!

Halloween 2011

 As his first year went by, he was slow to reach milestones, but it never stopped him.  He continue to grow, it took him until he was almost 11 months to crawl, but a week after his first birthday, he was walking.  From that moment, nothing has slowed him down and there was no sign of being a preemie.  He amazed us all!!

I look back on Jaylen and how his premature birth did not stop him from accomplishing the things he wanted to accomplish.  This morning I woke up early and started thinking about that.  It kind of made me think about this process I am experiencing now.  His death was so premature.  Burying a child is something that no parent ever thinks they will have to do, but it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY!  Jaylen pushed through his first year to not let his early arrival get him down, I am not going to let his premature death get me down either.  I will stumble, over and over, but I will pick myself back up and try again.  I have days that are bearable, days I float by, and days that I'm living minute by minute, but I have a will to learn and grow from this and will find my new way.  Jaylen inspired me from the moment he was here and he will continue to inspire me.

Truly an Angel

My parents have been here with us this past week, but last night they left to spend a couple days with my sister before heading back home.  It has been so nice and such a blessing.  Having company has helped fill some of the void in our home.  When we first got back from being in Utah, our home felt so quiet and empty.  While having them here, a part of that emptiness went away.  As we got home from being at the kids tumbling class last night, we were back to feeling a little bit of that emptiness.  There will always be a void, but with distractions around us, we don't notice it as much.  Now that it's back to just the four of us in the home, I feel that void very strongly again.  I know that if my parents could, they would have stayed for as long as we needed, but they need to get back to their home.

Always up to something!!

Each new day brings on a new challenge and with each new challenge, I have to take it on.  I have had numerous trials in my life, but this is by far my biggest.  There are days that I want to give up, but then I look at those big brown eyes of Jaylen and tell him, "I will be better because of you"!!  My other kids deserve a happy mom.  My husband deserves a loving wife.  Jaylen was given to me to teach me, and I think because of him, I am learning the biggest lesson in my life.

The Battle...

The past few days have been interesting.  I will be feeling pretty good, but certain moments throughout the day I catch myself thinking about Jaylen deeply and my heart starts to pound fast.  I have had such a peaceful feeling that this is part of a bigger plan, but even with that peace, I still struggle.  If I start thinking too much, I have to try and shift my focus on to other thoughts.  If I don't, it can turn into something that is almost unbearable.

My parents got here on Thursday and it has been great having them.  I've noticed that when I'm around those closest to me, it's easier to not have horrible breakdowns.  We will have conversations of Jaylen, but they are uplifting.  Tears are shed at times, but it's controllable.  What's hard these days is that the longer it goes since Jaylen has been with us, the more I lose the feeling of what is was like to have him with us every day.  I hate that feeling!  In some ways I feel as if I'm betraying Jaylen because he should be here.   We should be laughing at the silly things he does.  We should be pulling out our hair with the craziness, but instead we are learning to live without him.  In so many ways it's not right, but it is what we have to do.

Ian won "scariest costume".

Yesterday was one month since his 2nd birthday and I had friends checking in on me to make sure I was doing okay.  In all reality though, it's not the anniversaries that hurt these days.  What I struggle most with are the daily reminders that he is not here.  When I walk in his room and see his empty crib, his pile of toys that have not been played with, his bikes in the garage that don't move, his blanket that I sleep with every night, I could go on and on.  There is no way escaping from  it and it's so tough!  I know that as the holidays come around it will be tough too.  My kids had opportunity to go to a trunk-or-treat last night, I knew that they would have a good time so we went.  It was great to see them get dressed in their costumes and have fun.  I enjoyed it as well, but in the back of my mind, there still was that thought that Jaylen was missing it.  I had already picked out a costume for him to wear this year and I'm sad that he isn't able to.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  I love the feeling December brings, the music, the family gatherings, etc.  I know that this year will not have that same excitement.  With each holiday, Jaylen will be missing and that will bring an emptiness that I haven't had before.

My little tiger

I've been running a little more often, but not at the gym.  I have come to enjoy being on the roads where I can just zone out.  Today as I was running though, a firetruck came rushing down the road with it's siren and lights on.  I get a sick feeling in my stomach anytime I see a firetruck or ambulance now.  It is a horrible reminder of that tragic night.  The firefighters and police officers that assisted us that night were more than great, but any reminder of it just hurts.

I have noticed that I'm able to control my emotions a little more now, but there still has not been a day that tears have not been shed.  We were at dinner tonight with my sister's family and parents, all having a good time.  For a minute, I found myself not thinking about Jaylen, but that didn't last very long.   I notice that I can find myself having a decent time, but then I remember that Jaylen isn't with us causing some kind of ruckus.  We use to hate going to restaurants because Jaylen would not sit still and it was more stressful than it was worth.  I would do anything to have him climbing on me or spilling his food all over again.  I've learned that as challenging as it is to be a parent at times, those challenges are some of my greatest memories now.  He was by far my busiest child and into the most mischief, but I have thousands of memories that were created is his short two years.

One of the few times Jaylen was upset because I didn't want him to take off running away from us.

I miss him more that words could ever express.  This is the hardest battle that I have ever had to endure, but again, I will continue to try and focus on the positive and what I am suppose to learn from this.  I will never be the same person, but hope that I can continue to better myself each and every day.

My Angel

I woke up feeling pretty good today.  Monday was a real struggle for me, but the past two days have been pretty good.  I'm trying to focus on the positive and what I can do from this point on to be better.  As hard as it can be at times, I know that is what I need to do.  I miss Jaylen.  I don't think that will ever go away, but in order to move forward and be a good wife and mom to my other children, I need to be positive and be there for them.  Jaylen wants us happy and I am trying to do that for him.  It doesn't mean that it will always be easy or that tears won't be shed, but I will try.

My sister in law, who was married to my brother Brian, helped watched my kids periodically before we moved to Texas.  I feel that we have built a strong bond over the past few years due to the fact that Brian and I always had a close relationship.  Today I woke up and noticed an email from her.  It was a video that she had taken of Jaylen a few months back when she had watched him.  In the email she said, "you will love this and hate it at the same time".  She was so right!  I woke up feeling good this morning and thought maybe today would be the first day that tears wouldn't be shed.  I was wrong.  When I watched the video, tears fell down my cheeks, but they were both tears of joy and sadness.  Joy because of the video and what it entailed, but sadness because of what I miss .  Anna has been through the heartbreak. She understands.  She may not have lost a child, but she lost her husband in a very traumatic way as well.  She gives me hope.  She is such an amazing person and I look up to her.

 As I face each new day, I know I will continue to shed tears of joy and sadness.  Hopefully as time goes on there will be more tears of happiness and that the memories we do have, will bring a smile to our faces.  It is hard to watch the videos and look at pictures now, but I know that one day they will be our greatest treasure.

When Jaylen was born and we were finally able to bring home after being in the NICU for five weeks. There was a presence that he brought to our home that was different than the rest of my children.  Of course I feel that all of my children are amazing, but there was something different about Jaylen.  Something so special.  I remember one day, Jaylen was maybe 10 months old or so, he was just sitting on our bed and I got emotional.  I looked at Mike and said, "there is something so special about this little boy.  It feels as if we have a special angel present in our home".  I had no idea how much truth those words would have until now.  As much as I struggle not having Jaylen here physically present, I know that he was sent to our family for a purpose.  I wish the purpose had been for him to stay longer, but I'm grateful that I got to have the most amazing two years with him that I did.  He is our angel and will always be.  I love you JAYLEN!

One Month...

Today it makes it one month exactly since the accident.  One month since I have held my baby boy in my arms.  One month since I have kissed his sweet face.  One month since I have looked directly into his big brown eyes and told him how much I love him.  One month since I have watched him play cars, ride his bike down our driveway, hear him call me mommy, and so on.  It feels as if it's been an eternity!!  I ache to hold him in my arms, kiss him, and tell him I love him.  The thought never crossed my mind that I would not be holding him today.  You always hear the stories of other children passing on, always worry about something happening to your own children, but never think that anything so tragic would really happen.  I watch my kids so closely.  My family has joked with me because I can be a bit over protective at times, but it has made me realize that we can't prevent everything.  If I didn't truly believe that this was God's plan, I would live with a lot of guilt.  It's hard not to.  I have really struggled with those feelings and feeling as if I failed Jaylen as a mother .  I try not to let myself go there because it could bring me down to an even darker place, but it's hard not to at times.

I've struggled sleeping again and I'm sure it will be an up and down battle for awhile.  Periodically I will take a sleeping pill just so my body can get some rest, but I can tell that it's breaking down.  I feel exhausted during the day, but know that if I were to lay down, I wouldn't sleep.  If I try, most times, I will close my eyes and start reliving that night.  I mostly have tried to block it out of my mind, but I can't completely and it haunts me.  We happened to drive by the hospital that Jaylen was taken to the other day by accident and tears started flowing down my face just thinking about what took place there.  I struggle with the thought of ever having to go there again.  It's a really good children's hospital so I hope that my other children will never have to go there for anything.  I don't know that I would be able to, it's too painful to think of what we went through while being there.

We took the kids to a pumpkin patch yesterday.  I have never been and have always wanted to go so we found one that was fairly close.  One of the last things we did was go on a hay ride.  As we all got on, a woman sat down in front of us holding her daughter who looked as if she was probably Jaylen's age.  While on the ride I watched this little girl point out to things, talking in her toddler talk, telling her mom what she was seeing.  It was so cute to watch how excited she would get, but it hurt my heart.  All I wanted was for Jaylen to be on that ride with us, doing those same things.  Being out and about, watching other children that look about Jaylen's age with their parents is tough.  Most times I can't even watch, I have to turn my head and look the other way.  I know with time that it will get easier, but it's tough.  It's the little things that you don't think about.  Being in a store, seeing a pair of shoes that would fit Jaylen, a Halloween costume, a toy car, a bag a Cheetos.  It's everywhere and something that we can't escape.

Last week I really had some hard days.  On Saturday I pushed myself to go on a long run.  Since we moved to Texas, it's been hard for me to run for very long outside with the humidity and heat.  It is starting to cool down so it makes it a little easier.  I didn't plan a distance to go that day, but just ran.  It's hard to push myself at times but when I get done, I feel better.  I know that with this new life I have to adjust to, the more I push myself, the better I will feel as well.  It would be so easy to stay in bed, not get dressed, basically give up, but I know that it would only do more harm.  I  have to push, even when I feel I can't.

The longer it goes that Jaylen is not with us physically, the more I rely on the memories that we have created.  I hate that we won't create more.   As the time passes, it seems as if Jaylen was only here for a split second.  It definitely wasn't long enough and I worry as the time goes on, it will be hard to remember what it felt like with him here.  He is missed so much, but as we adjust to our new normal, we have to create memories without him.  In years to come, all I'll have are these short two years that he was with us to remember.  I miss him, my body aches for him, and I can't wait for the day that I will get  to be with him again.

Jaylen and I were playing cars together

Heartbroken

Yesterday was one of the most challenging days I have had since the accident.  I'm not sure if it was the fact that I had to start working again or just one of those days where I feel the reality more than others.  It was really hard to start working.  Not because of the job, but the memory of when I worked last.  Mike was home most days with the kids while I worked so every time I was on a break I got to see Jaylen.  Every time that I would come out of my room, he would run to me, give me a big hug and say "mommy" as if he was so excited!  Also, anytime the kids were home and I was working, if I needed to grab something from the kitchen, I had to be really sneaky because if Jaylen saw me, he would get so upset.  He would want me with him, but knew that I'd have go back in my room and close the door.  The reality to know that  those things will not happening anymore are tough.  It's one more step I have to take towards the "new normal".

My heart feels so broken.  As we grow up and go through relationships, we feel as if we have heart break, but there is nothing compared to this.  I literally will lay there and my heart feels like it's about to explode if I think too deeply about Jaylen not being here.  Mike has not been feeling good so last night he went to bed pretty early.  I've been struggling to sleep again so after he fell asleep my mind would not shut down.  The pain that I was feeling was almost unbearable.  I think that is the first time since all of this that I literally didn't know how I am going to survive this.  I layed in bed pleading to God to help me be okay .  Just then, my mom sent me a text to play Words With Friends with her.  I had never played the game, but she was a life saver last night.  My mom is an amazing person and so in tune to what her children need.  She literally answered my prayer last night.  The game took my mind off things and I was able to calm down a bit.

One of the last pictures my parents had taken with Jaylen

It's crazy how all over the place my emotions are.  One minute I'm thinking, "I've got this, I'm going to be okay", then something will remind me of Jaylen and I'm a mess.  As hard as the days are, there have been good days too.   I will have days that I only shed a few tears, then there are others that the tears flow.  It's still so new and such an adjustment on trying to move forward.  There is guilt when I have a happy moment because I'm not happy about what has happened.  I know Jaylen wants us happy, but there is guilt.  I know with time the guilt won't be as heavy, but it's there.  I miss him so much!

My parents are traveling to see us next week and I'm really looking forward to having them close for a few days.  They are so amazing and have so much faith.  My brother passed away four and a half years ago tragically and my parents are big examples to me as I've watched them over come their heartache.  It was tough when we lost my brother, but my parents and family are closer because of the faith and belief that we will see him again.  I know that through Jaylen's tragic loss, it will strengthen our family even more.  At times I'm not sure how I will go forward, but it will be a day by day, minute by minute accomplishment.

A picture that my talented nephew sketched of Jaylen and my brother Brian.  I know he is watching over my baby boy!

The Up and Down Battle

I woke up today feeling positive.  I slept pretty good and was looking forward to having a decent day.  Kaia woke up a little late so we were late getting her to school.  Once we dropped her off, Mike and I headed to the gym.  As I was running on the treadmill, it felt good.  After finishing my cardio, Mike and I attempted the weights.  I was still feeling pretty good.  I think it was the first time being there that it felt like a smooth work out.  As we headed over to do one last exercise, the equipment that we were using looks over onto the indoor swimming pool.  I have looked in there a few times since the accident, but it was different today.  We have spent a lot of time swimming together as a family.  Jaylen was not new to water and absolutely LOVED it, maybe almost too much.  As I looked onto the pool, I got a vision of being there with Jaylen, picturing him jumping off the edge into my arms.  I lost it.  Just as I think I'm going to have a decent day, the tears start streaming down my face.  Mike was in the middle of his exercise, but immediately looked over at me and could tell I was upset.  Right then, he says, "let's get out of here."  I feel so lucky to have such a thoughtful husband who immediately can read my face and know what I need.  He put his arms around me and we left.

  Mike and I grieve so differently.  One of the biggest pieces of advice that we have received is to respect that we are each going to grieve differently, but be there for one another.  I think so far we have been very respectful to one another.  Mike doesn't like to see me cry (like most men regarding women) but when I do, he just puts his arms around me and let's me know it's ok.  I couldn't get through this without him.  He is a huge strength to me and I'm so grateful for him.  Moving to Texas has strengthened our relationship so much.  I don't know if we would have been able to survive this if we hadn't had these past six months to build such a bond, not only as a couple, but as a family.  It reaffirms to me that the move to Texas was no coincidence and that it was preparing us for what our future held.  I hate looking at it that way, but I feel so strongly that our lives are directed from a higher power and that we were guided.

 Mike and I had talked about moving out of Utah for years, not knowing where we would want to go, but just have always wanted to.  My sister lives here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area and that is the only reason we even thought about it.  As we started making efforts to pursue possibly moving, everything just fell into place, one after the next with making it possible.  There is no doubt that this is where we are suppose to be and that it has been part of the plan.  I hate that part of the plan was preparing our family to grow closer for the events that we just experienced, but it's a plan.  Jaylen was a huge part of bringing us all closer too.  He had that charisma about him that kept the light alive in our family.  Any time I would be stressed or frustrated, I'd just have to see Jaylen's big smile and bright eyes, then the stress would go out the door.  You couldn't help but be happy around him and I know that he wants that to continue.

There are so many things that trigger my emotions.  I was getting into my car yesterday.  I haven't been in my car much since the accident because Mike and I have been doing everything together so we just go in his.  Anyway, I got in my car yesterday and looked over to the diapers and wipes that I always kept in there to make sure I always had them on hand.  I then looked in the back seat and saw his little shoes sitting on the seat.  Those are the moments that sting bad.  I don't have the desire to remove those things from my car yet though.  I'm not ready to fully accept the events that have taken place.  Like I have said before, I know in my heart he isn't coming home, but in my head, I haven't fully accepted it yet and not sure that I ever will.

Always being silly

 So many people have expressed the strength they have felt from my words and that it makes them want to be better.  All I can say, it's not me, it's Jaylen.  Jaylen has always had that effect on people and the words I write are all inspired by him.  He is an amazing little boy and though it is the worst tragedy to experience, I will honor him each and every day by trying to be a better person.  To learn and grow so I can make him proud.  I struggle daily to find strength, my emotions are up and down, but in the end I will prosper so I can be with him again!

Struggling

The past few days have been a real struggle for me.  I think I have shed more tears the past few days than I have in a while.  I think the longer it goes, the reality slowly is creeping up on me.  It has been three and a half weeks since the accident and it feels as if it's been a life time since I've seen my little boy.  It hurts.  I find myself closing my eyes at moments, trying to hear his little voice say something to me.  I miss hearing his cute little voice and the toddler talk.  Jaylen had just recently started talking a lot more and he would say new words each day.  I miss hearing the funny things he would say and us trying to decipher what some of them were.  Toddler talk is the best and I miss hearing his sweet voice.

There is so much that I miss and I know that it won't go away any time soon.  I still find myself going through my house hoping to find something that says Jaylen has been here.  I believe that his spirit is close and I know that they can leave little signs that they are near, but I don't receive them as much as I would like.  Sometimes I tell myself to stop searching for them and let them come to me, but it's hard.  As we have to move forward and start a new normal, it's hard to always have that peaceful spirit in our home that we felt so much right after the accident.  I notice as each day passes, we have to work that much harder to keep that spirit close in our home.  I know also that when that spirit isn't close, I can't feel Jaylen the way I would like and I don't ever want the new normal to put us in a place that we can't feel him near.  I am constantly telling my other children that I want peace in our home.  I don't want any  teasing, arguing, etc.  The only way that we will feel Jaylen close is if we keep a peaceful spirit in our home.  It's hard to keep my kids from bickering every now and then, but I think they understand because they want to feel Jaylen close too.

I always talk with my kids about how Jaylen is with us, we just can't see, hold or kiss him, but he is always with us.  As we were out yesterday, Kaia kept asking, "mom, where's Jaylen now?"  I would try and explain that we aren't sure, but I'm assuming he is right here with us now.  She loves the feeling that he is with us.  Mike and I have noticed lately that this has really affected Kaia.  She and Jaylen did everything together.  We can tell that she is lonely.  Five year olds aren't great with communicating or expressing what they are going through, but we see it.  She is always looking for a playmate now.  She doesn't like to be alone and she is always asking what Jaylen is doing.  It's heartbreaking.  She is such a strong five year old though and has been a big comforter to Mike and I.  It's so hard to watch our children struggle as we struggle ourselves.  We have constantly let them know that they are welcome to talk to us anytime about their feelings and that it's okay to cry if they need to.  Ian is more quiet with his feelings and I just want him to know that he can talk to us.  It's okay to feel and cry.  I hope we can be there for our kids and that we can help them over come this tragedy as well.

I have attempted to work out a few more times.  It is challenging, but I know that I need to push myself.  I think the more I push myself to do the things I did before the accident, the better it will be.  If I don't, I can see how easy it would be to fall into a depression and lose myself.  Music is so therapeutic for me too and my brother has created a perfect play list for me.  There is one song that I wish I could post for all the mother's that have lost children, it speaks to me.  My brother is a pianist that has put out some amazing music.  Quite a few years back, he did a song in remembrance of all the children that were lost in the Oklahoma City bombings.  I have loved that song from the moment that I heard it and who knew that years later, I would be the one that has lost a child.  It has been years since he released it, but it speaks new meaning to me.  He doesn't put out a ton of music with lyrics because he is not a singer, but this one, he hired a woman to sing it while he played and it is very touching.

I have been fortunate to take time off from work.  I work for an amazing company who has been more than understanding during this difficult time, but I know that I have to get back.  I have decided to start working again on Thursday.  I  don't know that I'm ready, but honestly, I don't think that I will ever be ready.  It's just one more thing I have to push myself to do to get back to "life".  I dread it because I've noticed that I'm struggling more now than in recent weeks, but it is time.  The longer I push these things back, the harder it is to do.  So many people that have experienced what Mike and I are right now have said that the weeks after the accident is when it gets hard.  I can see how that is true.  When this first happened, I felt arms wrapped so tightly around me.  People were praying non stop for us and I believe that's what gave us strength.  As time goes on and people's lives go on, we are still trying to cope.  As the weeks go on, I can feel those arms slowly loosening and more of the strength has to come within myself.  I continue to push myself each day so I don't get into a rut of depression, but I can see how easily it would be to do.  I hope that I can continue to move forward and not let myself fall.