My Hardest Test

The past few weeks have been a real struggle.  I'm not sure why, but I just can't seem to find comfort in anything.  From the day that I lost Jaylen, I lost who I was before that day.  My whole perspective on life changed.  What mattered before, does not mean the same to me now.  From the moment I was told that Jaylen didn't make it, my whole world came crashing down and I have had to fight the past eight months to rebuild.  There have been numerous days where I have had clarity, which has been a gift, but there have also been numerous days of feeling so lost and confused.  I was in the shower the other day, reflecting on my life.  Thinking about all the trials that I have had to face.  I stood there, water running down my face, my heart racing, jitters throughout my entire body, because at that moment I was pleading with god to understand.  This is by far the hardest test I have had in my life and I know that it will continue to be for a long time.

Looking back on my life, I have seen how with each trial, I have grown and learned so much.  I know that is the reason that each of us are given test in this life.  At times though, it's hard to understand why certain trials are given.  Losing a child is every parents worst nightmare, but none of us are spared from the possibility of that happening.  I have met so many amazing parents who are facing this same trial and I question each time, "why?"  What are we suppose to learn from this?  I have often thought about if Jaylen knew prior to coming here, that his time would be short and I have to say that I believe he knew.  I have spoken with many other parents who have felt the same about their child that has passed.  It's so hard to comprehend, but I have said before, I felt something very special about Jaylen from the day he was born.  Every time I held him as an infant, his eyes spoke to me as if he were letting me know.  At that moment, I didn't know why I had the feelings that I did, but as I look back it all makes sense.

My greatest gifts

I have often asked myself if I were to have known prior to having Jaylen that I wasn't going to have him long, would I still have brought him into this world? Honestly, at times I have wondered because I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone, but then I think about my beautiful, brown eyed, curly blond haired boy and I would not change one moment with him.  I would bring him here again and again to have two short years with him.  The day I delivered him, I knew he was going to change my life.  At that moment, I didn't know how, but I knew.  He not only changed my life the day he was born, but my life continues to change each day because of him.  I wake up each morning striving to be better so I can be with him again.  My desire to learn more about our Heavenly Father and his plan is because of my beautiful baby.

Mike and I were sitting on our bed the other day just talking and out of no where, Mike says, "Dang, I miss that boy so much!"  To hear those words vocally, from my big, strong husband really struck me.  Men and women grieve so differently.  Mike does not voice what he is feeling very often.  I think as a mom, I tend to forget that Jaylen is just as much Mike's son as he is mine.  I tend to forget that the love he has for Jaylen is as much as my love.  Because he is quiet with his thoughts, I tend to forget how he is feeling because I am so focused on dealing with it myself.  He has shown so much strength through all of this.  He has been such a support to me as I have tried to go on with each new day and make sure that I am okay.  He hurts though.  He may not vocalize it very often, but it has been and is a battle for him each and every day too.  I'm so grateful that he does express his thoughts at times though and knows that he doesn't always have to be strong.  He and I have been through a lot, like most couples, but I am grateful that we have been able to overcome our challenges and grow closer to one another.  I could not do this without his love and support and am so grateful for him.

Each new day is a struggle.  There are days even now, eight months later, that I don't want to get out of bed.  Some days, I feel that it is almost harder now, but I won't give up.  There have been numerous days where I want to give up, pull the sheets over my head, lay in bed and waste my days away, but I have two other children and a husband to live for and they are the reason I get up each day.  I often think of parents who lose their only child and wonder how they do it? Then I think, I use to be the parent who wondered how any parent deals with losing a child. I never wanted to know.  I said prior to all this, "I couldn't go on if I lost a child".  I have had numerous people say to me now that they couldn't do it and don't know how I do, but some how it is done, just like facing any other trial in life.  I wake up each day for my kids here.  I wake up each day because Jaylen wouldn't want it any other way.  And I wake up each day because God has a plan that is much greater than I can understand.  My faith has been tested more than it ever has.  I have questioned things that never crossed my mind prior to losing Jaylen.  I have doubted things that I never thought I would doubt.  It truly has tested every amount of faith I have ever had.  It has made me seek harder and pushed me to limits I never knew were possible.  I have been blessed with amazing people in my life though, who, when the light is dark, I go off of their strengths and testimonies.  I struggle, but I am trying to have faith, even in doubt.  With faith, brings hope and if I don't have hope, then what would I have? 

He understands...

Camp Morning Star

Mother's Day 2013

 A year ago on Mother's Day, my life was very different.  We were new to the Dallas-Fort Worth area and weren't sure of what we should do that day.  We had heard of a place in Fort Worth called The Stockyards, which is pretty popular, so we decided to check it out.  It is like an old western town.  Shops, bars, restaurants all lined up and down a street.  Then they have men/women riding horses in old western attire.  A gun fight show, a few rides for the kids, a maze and so on.  It was a good Mother's Day.  Who knew that a year later, on Mother's Day, I would be at a grief camp, Camp Morning Star, for families who have lost a child.  What a difference a year can make.  I would have done anything to have that day back a year ago, but instead, my family traveled 90 miles this weekend to attend camp with other families who have experienced our same loss. 

I feel so fortunate for all of the resources and support that have been available to us since losing Jaylen.  As difficult as it is to be involved in some of the things that we are, it has been a blessing to have the support and to be around other families in our same situation.  We were a little hesitant to attend this camp, just like anything that has to do with our grief and losing Jaylen.  We never know what to expect and it can be intimidating.  I was grateful that we were able to attend though.  It has been a hard couple of weeks.  I'm not sure why, but it feels as if I lost Jaylen yesterday.  My heart has felt like it is going to explode, my mind does not shut down, and I have had dreams where I wake up crying and punching pillows.  I enjoyed "escaping" this weekend.  I was worried that my emotions would be at an all time high with the way that I have been feeling, but overall, it was a place to have fun, be around others who understand, and be reminded that we are not alone.  I was worried that the camp would focus on our grief the whole time, but it was quite the opposite.  The majority of the time, we were involved in fun activities and we were going non stop.

Each night, after dinner, we would gather as families and do a memorial project.  Anytime I have to think of the reality, it is difficult, but I try and put on a brave face for my kids to make it a positive moment for them.  Yes, tears will stream down my face, but I will have a smile while doing it.  I've noticed that anytime I cry and my kids are around, they notice quickly and looked concerned.  I try to always remind them that it is okay to cry.  My tears are a sign of my love for Jaylen and that my heart hurts heavily because I miss him.  Sometimes it causes my children to feel that sadness too, but most of the time, they hug me and it is a tender moment.  While doing these memorial projects though, it was a struggle.  Not only for the fact of having lost my own baby, but to see numerous other families dealing with the same loss.  Each time I heard one of their stories, the hair would stand up on the back of my neck, goosebumps would form on my skin, and I would get choked up.  I understood their pain and my heart hurts because of that.  

As difficult as it is to hear of others stories, there is a sense of appreciation to know that we, as a family, are far from alone in this journey.  I would never wish this kind of pain on my worse enemy, but truth is, children pass away every single day and it brings comfort to be around people who truly understand.  I felt "safe" in a sense being at this camp.  Especially it being over Mother's Day weekend.  It was a place where I didn't have to put on a brave face for the world that has no idea what I have endured the past eight months.  It was a place that if I smiled, I didn't feel guilty because every one knew that behind that smile, I have lost something so special, but that it is still okay to smile.  If tears started streaming down my face, I didn't feel like a crazy person because everyone around me knew what the tears were about.  There is a quote that I have seen numerous times that is so true.  It says, "It's hard to explain to someone who has no idea.  Feeling pain and sickness on the inside while looking fine on the outside".  It is so true and I was grateful to be surrounded by people who did truly understand.

What we are really saying behind the word "fine"

We met so many wonderful families and as we left to come home, a part of me wanted to stay.  I wanted to be in that "safe" environment where I didn't have to come back to the reality.  The reality of living day to day life, being in public and having to hide my pain.  We were at the gym last week and prior to working out, I was checking Kaia in the daycare like usual.  As I was checking her in, I heard one of the workers say, " Hi Kaia", then I heard, "Hi Jaylen".  It startled me and for one second, I looked up to see where my baby was.  For a second my mind said, "it was just a bad dream, he's really here!" But that reality changed quickly when I did look and saw that he wasn't there.  Come to find out, one of the employees who works there, name is Jaylen and he happened to walk in just as I was signing Kaia in.  To hear, "hi Kaia and then hi Jaylen" was music to my hears.  I never thought I would hear that again, but it was also a harsh reality.  Those are the reasons that I wish I could hide from it all some days.

Kaia has been begging for us to go swimming lately.  None of the local pools are open yet and the only other pool we know of is at my sisters.  I have thought about the day where we would go back to her pool since the night of the accident.  It has caused a lot of anxiety because I have not wanted it to be a place that I hated.  I have been to my sisters house numerous times since the accident, but have not spent time in her back yard.   A week ago, for Kaia, we decided to make the drive over to her house and swim for the first time since September 21, 2013.  My stomach was in knots the entire way there.  The unknown was scary of what I would feel once we were there.  My sister happened to not be home when we arrived so it was just the four of us in her backyard.  Pools in Texas usually aren't heated because it gets so warm here, so the pool was quite cold when we got in.  Because it was cold, we didn't spend much time in it, but rather laid on the side, enjoying the beautiful weather and sounds of outside.  I have never spent much time in my sister's backyard unless there were a lot of people and a lot of commotion.  I'm so grateful that we had the opportunity to spend the afternoon there with just my little family.  There is a beautiful, peaceful, special feeling back there and I don't know that I would have got to feel and experience that if we had been there with a whole bunch of people.  I don't have a desire to get in the hot tub, I don't know if I ever will, but I am grateful for what we experienced that day.  I laid on the side of her pool and it was as if I heard Jaylen say, "it's okay mom, it's okay."  I needed that comfort.  I needed to know that it would be okay to be in her pool again.  I needed to know that we could have positive memories there again and I feel that Jaylen gave me the okay.  

This life is hard.  We all have struggles that no one knows about.  Some are more blatant than others, but we all struggle.  We were sent here to have struggles.  At times I wonder why any of us would ever sign up for this, knowing the pain and sorrow that we would have to endure, but we obviously knew that by doing so, there would be a big reward at the end of it all.  As I search for answers, there are days that I am very discouraged.  I am impatient and want to know it all now, but then I am reminded that I have to trust and have faith.  "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the lord" Isaiah 66:9.  I have faith in that scripture.  Trials will not stop, but blessings will continue to come as well.  Sometimes it is hard to recognize the blessings, but they are there and he is aware of us all.  "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it".  

Grief Circulates

You would think that after almost 7 1/2 months, I would have this grieving thing down, but that is far from the truth.  Just when you think you have it down, there is a day that hits you so hard and it's back to square one.  Some days I can't believe that it has been as long as it has because the pain is so deep and fresh, but on most days it feels almost longer because it feels like it has been an eternity since Jaylen has been in my arms.  One of the hardest parts about this whole process is moving forward.  With moving forward, Jaylen becomes a memory rather than a reality and that is so hard to comprehend.  I don't want him as a memory.  I want the reality of my two year old running down the hall yelling, "mommy!" landing in my arms to give me a big kiss.  That was my reality and now all I get is to have are the memories.  It is so hard to comprehend as a mother, of what was, and what will never be.

I miss having this boy in my arms

I never realized how much emotions can continue to circulate over and over.  There are so many stages to grief and just because I have gone through the stages, that does not mean that they stop there.  They continue to circulate, going from shock to hurt to anger to numb to complete sadness.  Most of the time I think all those stages are combined into one too.  One thing that is so hard about that, when the sadness is so deep, I'm wishing that I didn't have to feel.  But when I am in a numb stage, there is a lot of guilt there because not feeling makes me think, "why am I not feeling? Am I okay that my son passed away?"  I should be broken constantly, but I know that if I was, I could not go on.  I think the only way for me and other grieving parents to survive this journey is to have those numb stages.  If not, it would be too difficult, but with that, there is the guilt of not feeling.  It's just one more reason that proves there is nothing easy about this.  As much as I wish I could say that it's okay and things do get easier, that isn't the truth.  Things just circulate and the body and mind continue to experience all stages of grief.  Do I think with more time, things will get better?  Of course, but I know that I will never be the same.  A part of me will always be missing and I will not feel complete again until we are all together again. 

There have been so many moments where I'm doing okay and within seconds, I will be in tears because something so minor could bring on a memory or a thought.  As I was sitting in church a couple of weeks ago, my morning had been fine.  I was feeling good, but as we were sitting in our first meeting, I looked over at my two kids sitting next to me, tears just started streaming down my face because it was a moment and a reminder that Jaylen was not there.  As I glanced over at Ian and Kaia, all that came to mind was, "Jaylen should be here.  This is not the way it was suppose to be!"  Those moments that come on so unexpected are hard.  I had another experience this past Sunday that I had not had before and it was very emotional.  I happened to be sitting on the middle row, second to the front.  I had never sat in that row and no one happened to be in front of us that day.  I was enjoying the speaker, feeling pretty good, but in a split second, all that changed.  A flood of memory came back to that dreadful day, sitting in the church at Jaylen's funeral.  The last time I had sat that close in a church was at his funeral and all I could picture at that moment was me, sitting there, staring at my son's casket.  That is a memory that I don't like to have.  I tried so hard in that moment to turn my mind on to something else, but all I kept seeing was that little white casket, closed, and draped with flowers.  It's those unexpected moments that catch you so off guard.  It is inescapable and the emotions are overwhelming.  I don't like the bad memories.  As hard as I try, there are moments that I can not escape those thoughts though.  It goes along with that dreadful night.  There are moments when I close my eyes and all that comes to mind is that night and I relive it over and over.  I wish so badly that there was a way to never let those moments seek into my mind and that I could only remember the good, but it's impossible.  

I miss my crazy, busy life!

We have so many good memories, but no matter the memory, good or bad, it hurts.  The good hurt because it is a reminder that there will be no more with Jaylen and the bad hurt because of the obvious.  Recently I have felt like we have been adjusting to our new life and moving forward. The other night though, Mike and I were sitting in our family room together.  I'm not quite sure what Kaia and Ian were doing in that moment, but as I sat there, I was so bored.  It wasn't a bored of nothing to do, it was more a bored with life.  Bored with not having a toddler to take care of.  Kind of like how it felt the first few days after we had come home from being in Utah for the funeral.  Jaylen brought so much excitement and energy to our family, along with the time that it took taking care of a toddler.  We have started to adjust, but there is still such an emptiness and life is just more boring without him.  We still continue to make memories and have fun as a family, but the energy is different.  The energy that a two year old brings to a family is hard to replace.  There is just something so special and irreplaceable about a young spirit and what they bring to a family. 

Easter was a special day for me this year.  I think it was the first year that I truly understood the meaning behind it.  I have always loved holidays, but never really reflected on why or what we are celebrating.  This year I focused more on what Easter is truly about and I now feel that Easter is, by far, my favorite holiday.  It has kind of turned into my "Jaylen Hope Day".  Because of Him, Jesus, I will be with my son again.  I am so grateful that someone was willing to sacrifice his son, so I can be with my son again.  Having lost my son, that had to be a HUGE sacrifice to know what his son was going to have to endure for all of us to be saved.  I'm grateful for the things that I am learning.  They give me hope, even when the light is dim.  I will be with my son again.  As much as my faith has wavered at times, that is one thing that I have never doubted.  This life here is definitely not the end, it is only a stopping point to eternity, and I am so grateful for that knowledge.

Getting Settled

It has been a couple of weeks now that we have been in our new house and we are slowly getting settled.   Pictures are on the wall, rooms are put together, and it is starting to feel like home.  Moving day was pretty emotional and even more so the night before.  We packed up the truck the night before so the four of us slept on the floor that evening.  I fell asleep pretty quickly, but for the first time in a long time, I woke up at about 4 am with tears streaming down my face.  So many emotions came over me as I prepared to close the door to the last home that Jaylen lived in.  My mind could not stop thinking about all the love that was built between those walls.  All the good times, the laughter, the dancing, the joy of just being together, all five of us.  I grew really attached to that home and I was afraid of what was to come.  I layed there for about 2 hours, thinking and crying as I waited for everyone else to wake up.  When I got up, I decided to go to the back yard and look over the playground one last time.  To reminisce of all the times I saw the kids playing with huge smiles on there face.  As I opened the door, the sun had not come up yet.  It was a beautiful time of morning and as I looked into the sky, I saw one lone star, shining bright.  I felt as if it were a sign, telling me that everything was going to be okay.  As hard as losing Jaylen is, I feel so strongly that he is very aware of me.  I ache for him daily.  I have guilt that his life was a short 2 years, but with all of that, I know he wants us happy.  He wants us to move forward in our lives and live.

The drive to the new house felt long.  Kaia rode with Mike in the truck, so Ian and I were able to talk and express some feelings on the way.  Ian is quiet with his feelings most of the time so I constantly worry about how he is doing.  He has a very tender heart and a deep love for his family so I always pray that he is handling things okay.  He told me that he was excited for the new house and the move, which I am grateful.  With this move, Ian has started his forth new school since starting kindergarten.   He is such a trooper and gets excited for each new start.  I always worry about moving him so much, but feel blessed that he adapts so well.  He is an amazing kid and I'm grateful for his positive attitude. 

As we arrived at the new house, we were welcomed by probably twenty people there to help.  We were able to have the truck unloaded within about 30 minutes.  One by one, people would walk into our new home and express the feeling that they felt in this home.  It was something very special.  I would have to agree.  The moment we unlocked our new front door and stepped foot into the house, it felt like home.  I knew Jaylen was with us.  In all reality, I feel he was there waiting for us.  I've always heard that love is what makes a home, but never really understood that until now.  Our home is built on love, not the location or things inside of it.  The moment we walked into these new doors, it felt like this had always been our home and that is  because love travels and Jaylen will always be where his family is.  Since getting settled, Mike and I both have had some very special, individual, moments that Jaylen has not left, but just as much a part of us here as he was in the last home.  

There is so much that comes with death.  Emotions that I never knew were possible. The roller coaster ride is exhausting and many times I just want to get off.  My life before the accident was becoming better than it had ever been.  There was a happiness the we, as a family, couldn't deny.  I have always felt that each one of my kids came into my life, at the specific time that they did, for a reason.  Each child has brought something extremely special to our home and came at a time when they were needed.  Jaylen was the glue that brought us all together.  He brought a happiness into our home that had not been there.  We were happy before, but the spirit that came with that little boy just radiated and you couldn't help but smile constantly.  With that, I can't deny that God's hand is in everything.  I think Jaylen knew what his mission was before he came here and he fulfilled it completely.  He knew what his parents needed.  He knew his time was going to be short and he was going to make the most of it.  It's difficult to accept, I still ache daily for him, but I would do it all over again, even if I knew I would lose him again.

This past Saturday we were able to participate in our first 5k as a family, spreading some sunshine, and having some fun.  It is called The Color Run.  Also known as the Happiest 5k on the Planet, which I thought was the perfect race to run considering Jaylen was the happiest kid I knew.  As you cross each mile marker, they have people there to throw color powder all over you.  My sister and her family participated with us and everyone had a great time.  The kids particularly loved getting splashed with color and it was so great to see the smiles on their faces.  After the run, Ian told me that he couldn't wait to sign up for the next one.  It may not always be a color run, but I do hope to participate in many more, where we can wear our Jaylen shirts and help raise awareness to which ever cause we are running for.  This particular race was working with a charity for Colon Cancer.

As challenging as this process is, blessings are being received daily as well.  My life will never be the same.   I miss my baby boy more than words could ever express.  The tears still come almost daily, but we are adjusting.  I struggle daily with the fact that as time passes, Jaylen is becoming more of a memory than a reality.  I don't ever want it to be that way, but with time, that's what it brings.  No matter how much time passes though, Jaylen will always be a huge part of our family.  I will work daily to be better so I can get back to him.  I will never forget the promise I made to him right before we had to close his casket.  I leaned over, telling him over and over that I will do all that I can to get back to him.  I have started that journey.  I am doing all that I can to learn, grow, and become the best person I can be so I can get back to him.   It's not easy, but I know it will be worth it.

Markings on the Wall

It was almost one year ago that Mike and I packed up our entire life and moved almost 1300 miles away to a place that was unknown to us.  We decided to leave the life we had in Utah behind and start new, in a new city that neither of us had ever lived before.  The thought of leaving "home" was scary.  The unknown of being in an unfamiliar place, far away from our family and friends.  It was a big decision for Mike and I.  This not only effected us, but it would effect our children's lives also.  What if we moved and it wasn't what we thought it was going to be?  Moving our kids away from all they have ever known was pressure on us to make sure we were making the right decision.  When we arrived in Fort Worth, Texas, three LONG days later, we were excited.  The days following were a bit hard. Trying to find my way around in such unfamiliar surroundings was tough.  For the first few weeks I questioned if we had made the right decision.  I was home sick and missed the familiarity of "home".

Our first night in Texas 

Shortly after we got to Texas, things didn't go as planned.  The job that Mike had got hired on with, partly the reason we moved, was delayed and he ended up not starting until three months later.  At the time, he was frustrated and concerned, but now looking back and the time line of events, it was a blessing and something that we were so grateful for.  Mike has always been a hard worker, wanting to provide for his family.  There weren't many times that he was able to have more than a few days off to be home with the kids.  Because of the delay on starting work, he got to be home for those three months with the kids, all day, every day.  It is something that he will cherish for the rest of his life.  He has always been an amazing dad, very hands on, but for those few months, he got to be with them constantly and was able to spend quality time, day in and day out with them.  I know that he looks back on that time now, and even then, so grateful for that extra time he got with Jaylen.  I know that it was a blessing and all that took place from the time we moved, up until Jaylen's accident, and even after, has been nothing more than a plan that has been put in place for our lives.  Do I sometimes wish this wasn't our plan?? Absolutely! All the time!!  But the truth is, we are not in control.  Each and everyone of us have been sent here for a purpose and a plan has been layed out.  All of us will be faced with struggles that we wish we didn't have, but in the end, God is aware and knows why.  I continue to try so hard to trust in that and have faith of the plan he has layed out for me, even though it can be extremely difficult.

Trip to Hogle Zoo about a week before we moved

When we moved to Texas, the house we ended up moving into in was kind of on a fluke. If you are not familiar with the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex, it is huge!!  Moving here, we did not want to buy a home before knowing where we wanted to settle because it is so big.  We wanted to get familiar with the areas before placing our roots.  We were in the process of trying to rent a different house in a different area, when someone else beat us to it.  It was about two weeks before our move that we learned that we would not get that house, but the landlord of that home had another home available, about 10 miles southwest of that home if we were interested.  With it only being two weeks away, we took it, not knowing anything about the area and only seeing pictures online.  Who knew the everlasting effect that this home would have on us??  Pulling up to this house last March, we knew it was a temporary home.  Who knew that the memories that were made in this home, would be some of the most profound in our life?  Our family grew the closest we have ever been in this home.  The love that has been built between these walls in the past year is beyond what I could have ever imagined. Along with that, there is such heartbreak between these walls.  Every corner we turn, there is a reminder of what was, and what will never be.

As we are approaching the one year mark from our move, our lease is up and we are moving to a new home, closer to my sister and her family.  It has been a very bittersweet decision.  After Jaylen's accident, we weren't sure if we could even stay in the home we've been in. The memories and reminders of what was now gone, was and is extremely painful.  Originally we were going to try and move right after, but decided to stay.  As hard as it has been, I am grateful that we did stay.  The time has come though, to pack up our things and move on to the next chapter of our lives.  It has been very emotional thinking of what we will be leaving.  I know that Jaylen will follow us wherever we go, but the memory of him walking around the corner in the next house will not be there. Finding a car in the corner of our next house will not happen.

Surprise finding one day :)

Mike has been boxing up the house and I have been hesitant for Jaylen's room to be touched.  As he has been boxing up things, I can't help but feel that we are erasing a part of our lives.  I know in my heart, that will never be the case, but as I look in the room that was once my beautiful 2 year olds room, empty, I can't help but feel a sting.  As Mike approached his room the other day, it was challenging for him.  He knew that I wasn't prepared to do it though and so he did the unthinkable. All I could do was hear him from the other room, knowing what he was doing.  My heart sank a little. Afterwards I let him know that I was not prepared to get rid of any of his clothes yet and want all his things to come with us.  They may not be set up in the next house, but I still need those things with us and he agreed.  I'm grateful that he is sensitive to my feelings and agrees, rather than it being a battle between us of what we should do.  This has been such a devastating process for both of us, but I am so grateful that we have been able to communicate through it and help each other through trying to heal.  We still have a lot of healing to do, but I'm grateful for his love and support and I know he feels the same from me.

He will always be my little drummer boy

As Mike has been boxing things up, I told him that I would take care of the cleaning.  It's a lot different to clean walls and things when some of the marks on the walls came from my child that is no longer here.  I have hesitated to clean some of these markings because again, I feel like we are erasing a part of our lives.  I wish I could take every mark, stain, or moment from this house and carry it to the next.  There are so many things with losing a child that I would have never thought twice about before.  Our last house, we had a door where we had measured the children's growth on from time to time.  We ended up leaving it there, forgetting it in a sense.  It was important to me, but I realized that we could just start a new growth chart.  We never did start one here and that door that was left in our old home in Utah is the only door that has Jaylen's growth markings on it.  Now, leaving this home, I wish I could take every last marking with me.  Washing the markings off the walls, I am removing the last markings that my little boy left.  I know his spirit will follow us no matter what, but those markings are the last marks we have from our beautiful boy's physical presence.  It is really tough and one more thing that we have had to face with this tragic loss.  

The past week has been a better week for me than it has been in a while, even with the packing up.  There have been some special moments, that not only I have experienced, but others, reminding me that Jaylen is indeed close and very aware of his family.  I am grateful that I am reminded that we are not alone, that he is aware, and that he loves us.  As challenging as each day is to face, I am so grateful to continue to feel love and support from so many.  As we embark on this next year of our lives, I can't help but think about what is in store for us.  Never in a million years, did I ever expect the events that unfolded this past year.  So many blessing have come, but again, our lives were effected so deeply and 2013 will be a year that will never be forgotten.  I pray that we are not hit with tragedy again and hope to continue to grow.  None of us are guaranteed anything though.  I am not immune to anything and even though I have lived the unthinkable, it still does not mean that it can't happen again.  I pray that I never experience this kind of loss again though and that this next year is full of happiness and blessings.  Along with that, I will continue to love with all of my heart and try to cherish each moment.  This life is only a moment in the eternal realm of things and while we are blessed to be here, I just want to try to enjoy it, even with the heartbreak.  As hard as it is to box up this home and wash off the markings on the wall, I look forward to the next chapter and what is to come.  I know our family is being blessed and I know Jaylen will follow.  Maybe I will even find one of his cars stashed in corner of the next house...

A True Test of Faith

I have wanted to sit down numerous times lately to write, but have had nothing in me to do it.  I have so much on my mind, but I don't have the motivation. You would think that almost six months later, I would be in a better place, but honestly, I think it is getting harder.  The reality is starting to sink in as the shock factor wears off and I wake up each day with the reminder that Jaylen truly will not be coming back.  Would you know by looking at me that I am struggling?  Probably not, but inside, I am crumbling.  Is it okay for me to walk around each day with a sad face?  No.  Most people that know me would say, Absolutely, with what I'm going through, but they are not who I associate with daily.  If I were to walk around showing on the outside, what I feel on the inside, people would think I was crazy.  Do I really want people, strangers mostly, to know the pain I'm feeling?  Absolutely not.  Not because it shows weakness, but because it makes people uncomfortable and honestly, I really am not a miserable, weak person.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I wake up each morning thinking to myself that I hate my life, but then I'm also saying, I don't hate my life, I have a great life, I just hate that this is a part of my life.   

Jaylen at about 6 months old

This battle is so internal.  My mind does not shut down.  Every second of every day, my thoughts are on my sweet baby boy, gone too soon.  How can it not be??  This is something that even six months later is hard to comprehend.  The longer it goes, the more we are back into our daily routine and it's hard because life can't stop.  I can't just give up, lay in bed, cry day in and day out.  Honestly, the tears don't come as often as they use to, but the sadness is becoming deeper.  Am I depressed??  Absolutely not.  I know that for a fact!  The diagnosis?  A grieving mother who lost her baby boy long before expected.  By reading my words, one may think I am depressed, but I know without a doubt it is not depression.  I am not suicidal.  I have so much that brings happiness.  I have a husband who is truly my best friend.  He listens to me anytime I need to express my feelings and accepts me for who I am.  I have two beautiful, healthy, happy children still here, who bring laughter to me even on the most painful days.  I have parents who are half way across the world right now, that I know love me with all of their hearts and would be here for me at any minute.  I have my siblings and their families who are so loving. I have many incredible friends who pick me up daily.  There is so much love around me, so no, I am not depressed, just a mom who misses her baby deeply. 

Today I was at the gym and as I was finishing up, I saw a mom walk in with her two bi-racial children.  They stood out to me because they had to be right around the age of Kaia and Jaylen and had similar traits.  I couldn't help but stare, tears filling my eyes along with an intense sting to the heart.   I had envy as I looked at this mother, with her two beautiful children, about to go swimming.  That use to be me.  As I looked at her though, I couldn't help but think, what is she struggling with that I don't know about?  I walk around places now with just Ian and Kaia.  Someone may notice me out somewhere, thinking the same thought that I had of that mom today.  You just never know what someone is dealing with.

 

The other night, we were all sitting down to dinner.  As we were finishing up, we all started goofing off, making musical noises, and dancing.  It was one of the first moments since the accident that I noticed we were all laughing, genuine laughs, together.  In that moment, I couldn't help but think about how Jaylen was missing it.  He should be here.  Those are the things we would do all the time when he was here. He loved it!  He shouldn't be missing it now, it doesn't feel right.  We were out on a walk the other night as a family.  As we were walking, I just kept envisioning Jaylen right there with us walking.  He loved going on walks and he wanted to walk, not be in the stroller.  As we walked, I would watch my kids stroll along with the dog, picturing Jaylen holding her leash, walking with us.  There is just nothing easy about this, I wish there was.  No matter if I find myself enjoying the moment, there is always that reminder of what was.  There is a quote I saw the other day that says, "I don't grieve just for the moment my loved one passed.  I grieve the past, the future, and the now.  A human being is more then just one moment in time..."  I couldn't say it better.

My faith has really been tested lately.  Six months ago, if you asked me if I believed in God, I would say yes and it wouldn't go much further than that.  I have always had faith that God is real and that this life is not the end, but just a chapter.  Religion was something that I was not interested in.  I was a Christian and that was it.  Since Jaylen's passing, I have really started searching for answers.  I feel like I am more in tune with God now than I have ever been, but recently I feel so alone.  My faith is weak.  For months I honestly felt like I was being carried, but for the past few weeks I feel like I am climbing.  Trying so hard to have that comfort and peace that I did in the beginning.  I was so sure of so much right after the accident.  My faith was so strong, but I feel like I'm fighting to keep it daily now.  

We were driving on the freeway yesterday and there was a big billboard that read in large letters, "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FAITH IN GOD?" then below it was a scripture, Hebrews 11.  I pulled out my phone immediately to look up the scripture because it caught my eye.  Hebrews 11:1-3 reads, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  For by it the elders obtain good report.  Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things in which are seen were not made of things which do appear".  With Jaylen's passing I so hope that I will see him again, but it is only by faith that I can trust that I will.  This funk that I have been in for almost two months has tested my faith so much.  I feel like I'm striving to learn more every day, but that comfort is not there.  Where has it gone?  I wish I knew!  I have always been told, the more you seek and make God a priority in your life, the closer you will feel to him.  I feel I am doing more in my life now, than I ever have, to grow that relationship, but I feel nothing.  I am empty.  Maybe I hoping for more than is possible, but I need that comfort.  The closer I am to God, the closer I feel I am to Jaylen.  I don't feel Jaylen near and I ache for the peacefulness that was once felt.  

As empty as the past couple of months have been, I still always try to keep positive.  I know with the downs, no matter how long they last, there will be a time that the high will come again. I have always been an optimistic person and I will find a way to have the true inner happiness again.  I know that it will never be what it once was, but there may come a time, that it will be sweeter than ever imagined.  I have an Angel in Heaven that is watching over me daily.  Having an Angel brings a part of Heaven to our home, even if we can't always feel it.  My faith has been tested to the extreme, but I trust that I will be with Jaylen again.  I know God has a plan for us all and I will continue on this path of hope even when I'm discouraged. 

Five Months

Five months ago today I woke up to Jaylen laying next to me in bed.  It was unusual for Jaylen to be in bed with me, but this particular morning he was having trouble going back to sleep.  Mike was up early with him, but had to leave for work so he placed Jaylen in bed with me right before he left.  Who knew that morning, that it would be the last one I shared with my beautiful son!  What a blessing it was that I had that opportunity, one that I will never forget, and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life!!  That morning I didn't think much of it, but looking back, there was a reason I got to wake up next to him.  Five months ago, my life changed forever!!  I will never be the mom, wife, friend, woman that I was before that day.  I look back on my life before that day, the things I stressed over, the little things that seemed important at the time, now seem so trivial.  What I wouldn't give to go back to my life previous to September 21, 2013.  I never knew a pain so deep, so ongoing, and so overwhelming at times.

Aching to hold him again

This new life is so up and down.  The emotions and day to day living is so exhausting.  I have had some really positive days, but I think I am in my first real funk.  You would think that with time, the pain would ease, the emotions would become more subtle, but that is far from the truth.  I think that as time goes on, it is harder.  Each month comes and goes, and with each month, that is one more month that I have gone without Jaylen.  I fear the day when I will say that it has been 5 years since I have held my baby boy.  That seems so long, but it will come so fast.  It has only been five months, but I already feel as if an eternity has passed since I have had him in my arms.  There is such a hole left in my heart.  It is something that can never be repaired, but somehow I have to learn and grow from this.

I often wonder why we are given the trials that we each face.  Why does one parent lose a child, while another parent doesn't?  I have met some amazing parents since Jaylen's accident who have lost children as well.  At times we feel as if we are being punished for something we have done in the past, but I look at these other families who are experiencing this same loss and they are all good, loving, honest people.  Bad things shouldn't happen to good people, but it does and will continue to every single day.  I get so frustrated when I hear the stories of child abuse.  I often find myself asking why so many parents that choose to abuse and neglect their children, will never end up losing one, but that so many loving parents do and will.  It's a hard thing to understand, especially as a grieving mother.  I try so hard not to judge because every single person has trials and struggles that one can not compare to the other, but I just struggle with hearing the stories of abuse and neglect.

It has been a hard few weeks.  My kids have been more emotional, Mike has been down, and I have felt very low.  About a month ago I was talking to one of my friends and she had mentioned that we should get a dog.  At that moment I thought, no way, that is the last thing that we need right now! As the days passed, I started thinking about it more, then one day I mentioned it to Mike.  He said that he had been having the same thoughts, which was surprising since he has not really wanted one at all.  Anyway, we didn't act on it immediately, but two weeks ago, I was having an extremely hard day and happened to just see what kind of puppies were available.  I went online and fell in love with the cutest, pit bull-terrier puppy named Ivy.  She was at a PetSmart in Dallas waiting to be adopted.  That night we decided to go see her and fell in love instantly.  She has been a blessing to our family.  I have seen a happiness in my kids eyes again that has not been there in awhile.  Not to say that they have forgot about Jaylen because they still talk about him constantly, but Ivy has brought some livelihood back into our lives.

With the blessing of having her, there still is that little bit of heartbreak as well.  I can't help but think of how much Jaylen would have loved her.  Our neighbors had gotten a new puppy this summer and Jaylen loved her!!  He was always trying to pick her up, carry her, and chase her around.  Anytime we would be outside and a neighbor would walk by with a dog, Jaylen would want to play with it.  He loved dogs!  We were at the park on Monday and had taken Ivy with us.  As I stood with her, watching the kids play, a little boy who couldn't have been much younger than Jaylen, came up to Ivy, started petting her and talking to her in his cute toddler little voice.  I couldn't help but get emotional.  I wanted that toddler to be Jaylen.  I wanted it to be Jaylen talking to her and petting her but instead,  I watched the sweet interaction between a child I don't know and my new puppy.  It is so bittersweet.  Ivy has been a huge blessing though...hard work, but we are so grateful to have found her and gave her a home.

We love Ivy!!

I have been so blessed to have a friend of mine in Utah visit Jaylen's grave regularly for me.  Just recently, I have been having her change the decorations on it from time to time.  Keep it nice, clean, and shouting of love for my Jaylen.  She is an amazing woman and I'm so lucky to call her my friend.  Anyway, this past week, she spent some extra time trying to get items for Jaylen's grave to make it perfect.  She had found some solar lights that needed 24 hours to charge and then afterwards, they would light up each night and shine on Jaylen's grave.  On Monday she took it all to the cemetery, got it decorated and let the lights charge.  She wanted to see how the lights turned out after being charged so she drove back on Tuesday, which by the way, is about a 20 minute drive from her house.  When she arrived at his graveside, the lights had been stolen, the flowers she planted in a pot had been cut off, and a balloon that was on a stick had been cut off also and taken.  As if my emotions have not already been down, this just topped it off!! It breaks my heart that there are such senseless people in this world that have no respect.  I don't have much left that I can do for Jaylen now that he is passed, but I still have his resting place to make nice.  It's devastating to think that may not be possible! I hope that it was a one time thing and it won't continue to happen.  I will not stop having it taken care of, even if things continue to be taken, but hopefully it was a one time thing and those senseless people will stay away from the cemetery.

I wish I could come on here, five months later, saying that things have gotten easier, but I can't.  I continue to wake up each day with a broken heart.  There is an emptiness that is indescribable and the words are so true, you truly can't understand unless you have walked in these shoes.  Child loss is the most devastating thing.  My heart breaks a little more each time I hear of another family experiencing this loss.  As broken as I am, I am still getting up each day, loving my husband, loving my kids, and trying to enjoy life as it is.  There will always be a crutch. My heart will always have that hole, but I will continue to learn, grow, and try my best to be better each day.  Some days are harder than others, but I want to make Jaylen proud.  I want him to know how much I love him and I believe by trying to go on positively, I am telling him just that.