My Hardest Test

The past few weeks have been a real struggle.  I'm not sure why, but I just can't seem to find comfort in anything.  From the day that I lost Jaylen, I lost who I was before that day.  My whole perspective on life changed.  What mattered before, does not mean the same to me now.  From the moment I was told that Jaylen didn't make it, my whole world came crashing down and I have had to fight the past eight months to rebuild.  There have been numerous days where I have had clarity, which has been a gift, but there have also been numerous days of feeling so lost and confused.  I was in the shower the other day, reflecting on my life.  Thinking about all the trials that I have had to face.  I stood there, water running down my face, my heart racing, jitters throughout my entire body, because at that moment I was pleading with god to understand.  This is by far the hardest test I have had in my life and I know that it will continue to be for a long time.

Looking back on my life, I have seen how with each trial, I have grown and learned so much.  I know that is the reason that each of us are given test in this life.  At times though, it's hard to understand why certain trials are given.  Losing a child is every parents worst nightmare, but none of us are spared from the possibility of that happening.  I have met so many amazing parents who are facing this same trial and I question each time, "why?"  What are we suppose to learn from this?  I have often thought about if Jaylen knew prior to coming here, that his time would be short and I have to say that I believe he knew.  I have spoken with many other parents who have felt the same about their child that has passed.  It's so hard to comprehend, but I have said before, I felt something very special about Jaylen from the day he was born.  Every time I held him as an infant, his eyes spoke to me as if he were letting me know.  At that moment, I didn't know why I had the feelings that I did, but as I look back it all makes sense.

My greatest gifts

I have often asked myself if I were to have known prior to having Jaylen that I wasn't going to have him long, would I still have brought him into this world? Honestly, at times I have wondered because I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone, but then I think about my beautiful, brown eyed, curly blond haired boy and I would not change one moment with him.  I would bring him here again and again to have two short years with him.  The day I delivered him, I knew he was going to change my life.  At that moment, I didn't know how, but I knew.  He not only changed my life the day he was born, but my life continues to change each day because of him.  I wake up each morning striving to be better so I can be with him again.  My desire to learn more about our Heavenly Father and his plan is because of my beautiful baby.

Mike and I were sitting on our bed the other day just talking and out of no where, Mike says, "Dang, I miss that boy so much!"  To hear those words vocally, from my big, strong husband really struck me.  Men and women grieve so differently.  Mike does not voice what he is feeling very often.  I think as a mom, I tend to forget that Jaylen is just as much Mike's son as he is mine.  I tend to forget that the love he has for Jaylen is as much as my love.  Because he is quiet with his thoughts, I tend to forget how he is feeling because I am so focused on dealing with it myself.  He has shown so much strength through all of this.  He has been such a support to me as I have tried to go on with each new day and make sure that I am okay.  He hurts though.  He may not vocalize it very often, but it has been and is a battle for him each and every day too.  I'm so grateful that he does express his thoughts at times though and knows that he doesn't always have to be strong.  He and I have been through a lot, like most couples, but I am grateful that we have been able to overcome our challenges and grow closer to one another.  I could not do this without his love and support and am so grateful for him.

Each new day is a struggle.  There are days even now, eight months later, that I don't want to get out of bed.  Some days, I feel that it is almost harder now, but I won't give up.  There have been numerous days where I want to give up, pull the sheets over my head, lay in bed and waste my days away, but I have two other children and a husband to live for and they are the reason I get up each day.  I often think of parents who lose their only child and wonder how they do it? Then I think, I use to be the parent who wondered how any parent deals with losing a child. I never wanted to know.  I said prior to all this, "I couldn't go on if I lost a child".  I have had numerous people say to me now that they couldn't do it and don't know how I do, but some how it is done, just like facing any other trial in life.  I wake up each day for my kids here.  I wake up each day because Jaylen wouldn't want it any other way.  And I wake up each day because God has a plan that is much greater than I can understand.  My faith has been tested more than it ever has.  I have questioned things that never crossed my mind prior to losing Jaylen.  I have doubted things that I never thought I would doubt.  It truly has tested every amount of faith I have ever had.  It has made me seek harder and pushed me to limits I never knew were possible.  I have been blessed with amazing people in my life though, who, when the light is dark, I go off of their strengths and testimonies.  I struggle, but I am trying to have faith, even in doubt.  With faith, brings hope and if I don't have hope, then what would I have? 

He understands...