Five Year Anniversary

Tomorrow marks five years from the tragic passing of my brother Brian.  It was an interesting time in my family's life and losing Brian was very unexpected.  About nine months prior to my brother's passing, my other brother, Paul, was put on the heart transplant list.  Paul was born with a congenital heart defect.  My parents were told the day he was born that he may not make it.  He had surgery fairly quickly after he was born and beat the odds, leaving the hospital shortly after.  He lived a fairly healthy life.  My parents never looked at Paul's condition as a burden.  They tried to give him and our family a very normal childhood.  When Paul was 13, he got very sick and once again my parents were told to prepare, that he may not make it.  He beat the odds again and survived his second look at death.  

Brian, his wife Anna, and oldest daughter Ava

From the time Paul got better after age 13, things stayed pretty stable with his health.   He was able to accomplish some pretty amazing things in his life and has been blessed with an incredible gift as a successful musician.  Summer of 2008, he started to slowly struggle and at that time, it was determined that he needed a heart transplant or he would not live much longer.  So he was put on the list and we waited as a family.  Hoping and praying that once again he would beat all odds, get a heart and survive.  The day I got the call on June 9, 2009, I remember as if it were yesterday.  As I collapsed to the floor, Mike looked at me and said "Paul?" and I said, "No, Brian".  It was not expected.  It was nothing that any of us were expecting.  Brian was an amazing man.  He was a husband, a father of a beautiful two year old daughter, and his wife was six months pregnant with another baby girl at the time.  He was one of the kindest, most genuine, loving guys I have ever known and I am so lucky to call him brother.

 

Brian was only  seventeen months older than me.  He was only a grade higher than me in school so it always seemed like I saw him and experienced more in my life with him than any of my other siblings.  When I decided to attend Utah State University for college, he was serving a mission for our church.  I had no idea that he would ever have a desire to attend that same university when he got home, but he did and so I often got to see him during my college years as well, especially since it was about 70 miles from our parents home.  We are very different in our interests and personalities, but we had a bond that was everlasting.  There were times I struggled in my relationship with my family, but Brian always understood me and was there for me.  I knew I could turn to him at any moment and he would be there, letting me know that everything will be okay.   Only to know that one day, everything wouldn't be okay.  

Me, my siblings, parents, and Anna at Brian's memorial

I come from a large extended family and losing Brian was the first tragedy that we had ever experienced.  There were obviously trials and struggles, like most families,  but we had not experienced a tragic death.  We weren't prepared, but my family pulled together.  It was easy to be angry, I was angry, but coming from the family that I do, they put their trust in God.  We were all heartbroken, but they looked at the big picture.  They knew that this life is temporary and that we will all be together again one day.  Not once did I see my parents get angry, but they grieved and still do.  My mom always said that it wasn't a club she ever wanted to be in and now unfortunately, we share another bond.  Not only a mother/daughter bond, but one of two mom's who have lost their precious sons.  I think a lot about my mom now as I am experiencing my own loss as a mother.  I look at her in a different way, and my dad for that matter.  They truly understand what I am going through while most can't.  They have lived and are still living the nightmare of losing a son, and now a grandson.  I can express my pain and they get it.  At times I feel as if Brian was preparing me for what I would endure with Jaylen.  I was really effected by his passing, but it was the first time in my life that I did not question life after death.  I know that Brian lives and I knew that shortly after he passed.  I had some amazing experiences with his passing which confirmed that to me.  It's been a very different struggle losing Jaylen, but I'm grateful to know that he is with Brian.  Brian was an amazing dad who has missed the opportunity to be with his girls here, so I'm grateful that he has the opportunity to be with my son.  I wouldn't want it any other way, unless we could have them both here with us, of course.  

Paul and Brian's youngest daughter, Bella, Christmas 2009

Three months to the day of Brian's passing, we were blessed with a miracle.  When hope was dim as Paul was getting sicker, a heart became available and he had his heart transplant September 9, 2009.  Dates have always stood out to me.  I don't believe there was any coincidence that Paul's transplant was on that day, exactly three months later.  I know Brian was there making sure all would go well and it did.  Paul is healthy.  He has been able to do things in these past five years that he had never been able to do. I know at times though, he has struggled with survivors guilt.  He struggled when Brian passed, it effected him deeply.  It broke him when Jaylen passed.  He just didn't understand, but it made me realize that we are all here for a purpose.  As hard as it is to comprehend, Jaylen and Brian had fulfilled their purpose.  I remember talking with Paul when we were in Utah for Jaylen's funeral.  I looked at him and said, "Paul, you have been saved for a reason.  You are here because you are not finished.  Make the best of it because you are here to make a difference."  Paul has struggled, but he is doing amazing things and I'm proud of him.

I am so lucky to have the family that I have.  Since Brian's passing we have grown close, and now with losing Jaylen, it has confirmed to us how short life really is.  To never take anything or any day for granted.  Family and love is what matters.  I miss Brian so much and ache for Jaylen deeply, but am comforted knowing that they are with each other, along with many grandparents, aunts and uncles.  One day we will all be reunited and it will be the best reunion yet.