Markings on the Wall

It was almost one year ago that Mike and I packed up our entire life and moved almost 1300 miles away to a place that was unknown to us.  We decided to leave the life we had in Utah behind and start new, in a new city that neither of us had ever lived before.  The thought of leaving "home" was scary.  The unknown of being in an unfamiliar place, far away from our family and friends.  It was a big decision for Mike and I.  This not only effected us, but it would effect our children's lives also.  What if we moved and it wasn't what we thought it was going to be?  Moving our kids away from all they have ever known was pressure on us to make sure we were making the right decision.  When we arrived in Fort Worth, Texas, three LONG days later, we were excited.  The days following were a bit hard. Trying to find my way around in such unfamiliar surroundings was tough.  For the first few weeks I questioned if we had made the right decision.  I was home sick and missed the familiarity of "home".

Our first night in Texas 

Shortly after we got to Texas, things didn't go as planned.  The job that Mike had got hired on with, partly the reason we moved, was delayed and he ended up not starting until three months later.  At the time, he was frustrated and concerned, but now looking back and the time line of events, it was a blessing and something that we were so grateful for.  Mike has always been a hard worker, wanting to provide for his family.  There weren't many times that he was able to have more than a few days off to be home with the kids.  Because of the delay on starting work, he got to be home for those three months with the kids, all day, every day.  It is something that he will cherish for the rest of his life.  He has always been an amazing dad, very hands on, but for those few months, he got to be with them constantly and was able to spend quality time, day in and day out with them.  I know that he looks back on that time now, and even then, so grateful for that extra time he got with Jaylen.  I know that it was a blessing and all that took place from the time we moved, up until Jaylen's accident, and even after, has been nothing more than a plan that has been put in place for our lives.  Do I sometimes wish this wasn't our plan?? Absolutely! All the time!!  But the truth is, we are not in control.  Each and everyone of us have been sent here for a purpose and a plan has been layed out.  All of us will be faced with struggles that we wish we didn't have, but in the end, God is aware and knows why.  I continue to try so hard to trust in that and have faith of the plan he has layed out for me, even though it can be extremely difficult.

Trip to Hogle Zoo about a week before we moved

When we moved to Texas, the house we ended up moving into in was kind of on a fluke. If you are not familiar with the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex, it is huge!!  Moving here, we did not want to buy a home before knowing where we wanted to settle because it is so big.  We wanted to get familiar with the areas before placing our roots.  We were in the process of trying to rent a different house in a different area, when someone else beat us to it.  It was about two weeks before our move that we learned that we would not get that house, but the landlord of that home had another home available, about 10 miles southwest of that home if we were interested.  With it only being two weeks away, we took it, not knowing anything about the area and only seeing pictures online.  Who knew the everlasting effect that this home would have on us??  Pulling up to this house last March, we knew it was a temporary home.  Who knew that the memories that were made in this home, would be some of the most profound in our life?  Our family grew the closest we have ever been in this home.  The love that has been built between these walls in the past year is beyond what I could have ever imagined. Along with that, there is such heartbreak between these walls.  Every corner we turn, there is a reminder of what was, and what will never be.

As we are approaching the one year mark from our move, our lease is up and we are moving to a new home, closer to my sister and her family.  It has been a very bittersweet decision.  After Jaylen's accident, we weren't sure if we could even stay in the home we've been in. The memories and reminders of what was now gone, was and is extremely painful.  Originally we were going to try and move right after, but decided to stay.  As hard as it has been, I am grateful that we did stay.  The time has come though, to pack up our things and move on to the next chapter of our lives.  It has been very emotional thinking of what we will be leaving.  I know that Jaylen will follow us wherever we go, but the memory of him walking around the corner in the next house will not be there. Finding a car in the corner of our next house will not happen.

Surprise finding one day :)

Mike has been boxing up the house and I have been hesitant for Jaylen's room to be touched.  As he has been boxing up things, I can't help but feel that we are erasing a part of our lives.  I know in my heart, that will never be the case, but as I look in the room that was once my beautiful 2 year olds room, empty, I can't help but feel a sting.  As Mike approached his room the other day, it was challenging for him.  He knew that I wasn't prepared to do it though and so he did the unthinkable. All I could do was hear him from the other room, knowing what he was doing.  My heart sank a little. Afterwards I let him know that I was not prepared to get rid of any of his clothes yet and want all his things to come with us.  They may not be set up in the next house, but I still need those things with us and he agreed.  I'm grateful that he is sensitive to my feelings and agrees, rather than it being a battle between us of what we should do.  This has been such a devastating process for both of us, but I am so grateful that we have been able to communicate through it and help each other through trying to heal.  We still have a lot of healing to do, but I'm grateful for his love and support and I know he feels the same from me.

He will always be my little drummer boy

As Mike has been boxing things up, I told him that I would take care of the cleaning.  It's a lot different to clean walls and things when some of the marks on the walls came from my child that is no longer here.  I have hesitated to clean some of these markings because again, I feel like we are erasing a part of our lives.  I wish I could take every mark, stain, or moment from this house and carry it to the next.  There are so many things with losing a child that I would have never thought twice about before.  Our last house, we had a door where we had measured the children's growth on from time to time.  We ended up leaving it there, forgetting it in a sense.  It was important to me, but I realized that we could just start a new growth chart.  We never did start one here and that door that was left in our old home in Utah is the only door that has Jaylen's growth markings on it.  Now, leaving this home, I wish I could take every last marking with me.  Washing the markings off the walls, I am removing the last markings that my little boy left.  I know his spirit will follow us no matter what, but those markings are the last marks we have from our beautiful boy's physical presence.  It is really tough and one more thing that we have had to face with this tragic loss.  

The past week has been a better week for me than it has been in a while, even with the packing up.  There have been some special moments, that not only I have experienced, but others, reminding me that Jaylen is indeed close and very aware of his family.  I am grateful that I am reminded that we are not alone, that he is aware, and that he loves us.  As challenging as each day is to face, I am so grateful to continue to feel love and support from so many.  As we embark on this next year of our lives, I can't help but think about what is in store for us.  Never in a million years, did I ever expect the events that unfolded this past year.  So many blessing have come, but again, our lives were effected so deeply and 2013 will be a year that will never be forgotten.  I pray that we are not hit with tragedy again and hope to continue to grow.  None of us are guaranteed anything though.  I am not immune to anything and even though I have lived the unthinkable, it still does not mean that it can't happen again.  I pray that I never experience this kind of loss again though and that this next year is full of happiness and blessings.  Along with that, I will continue to love with all of my heart and try to cherish each moment.  This life is only a moment in the eternal realm of things and while we are blessed to be here, I just want to try to enjoy it, even with the heartbreak.  As hard as it is to box up this home and wash off the markings on the wall, I look forward to the next chapter and what is to come.  I know our family is being blessed and I know Jaylen will follow.  Maybe I will even find one of his cars stashed in corner of the next house...