Getting Settled

It has been a couple of weeks now that we have been in our new house and we are slowly getting settled.   Pictures are on the wall, rooms are put together, and it is starting to feel like home.  Moving day was pretty emotional and even more so the night before.  We packed up the truck the night before so the four of us slept on the floor that evening.  I fell asleep pretty quickly, but for the first time in a long time, I woke up at about 4 am with tears streaming down my face.  So many emotions came over me as I prepared to close the door to the last home that Jaylen lived in.  My mind could not stop thinking about all the love that was built between those walls.  All the good times, the laughter, the dancing, the joy of just being together, all five of us.  I grew really attached to that home and I was afraid of what was to come.  I layed there for about 2 hours, thinking and crying as I waited for everyone else to wake up.  When I got up, I decided to go to the back yard and look over the playground one last time.  To reminisce of all the times I saw the kids playing with huge smiles on there face.  As I opened the door, the sun had not come up yet.  It was a beautiful time of morning and as I looked into the sky, I saw one lone star, shining bright.  I felt as if it were a sign, telling me that everything was going to be okay.  As hard as losing Jaylen is, I feel so strongly that he is very aware of me.  I ache for him daily.  I have guilt that his life was a short 2 years, but with all of that, I know he wants us happy.  He wants us to move forward in our lives and live.

The drive to the new house felt long.  Kaia rode with Mike in the truck, so Ian and I were able to talk and express some feelings on the way.  Ian is quiet with his feelings most of the time so I constantly worry about how he is doing.  He has a very tender heart and a deep love for his family so I always pray that he is handling things okay.  He told me that he was excited for the new house and the move, which I am grateful.  With this move, Ian has started his forth new school since starting kindergarten.   He is such a trooper and gets excited for each new start.  I always worry about moving him so much, but feel blessed that he adapts so well.  He is an amazing kid and I'm grateful for his positive attitude. 

As we arrived at the new house, we were welcomed by probably twenty people there to help.  We were able to have the truck unloaded within about 30 minutes.  One by one, people would walk into our new home and express the feeling that they felt in this home.  It was something very special.  I would have to agree.  The moment we unlocked our new front door and stepped foot into the house, it felt like home.  I knew Jaylen was with us.  In all reality, I feel he was there waiting for us.  I've always heard that love is what makes a home, but never really understood that until now.  Our home is built on love, not the location or things inside of it.  The moment we walked into these new doors, it felt like this had always been our home and that is  because love travels and Jaylen will always be where his family is.  Since getting settled, Mike and I both have had some very special, individual, moments that Jaylen has not left, but just as much a part of us here as he was in the last home.  

There is so much that comes with death.  Emotions that I never knew were possible. The roller coaster ride is exhausting and many times I just want to get off.  My life before the accident was becoming better than it had ever been.  There was a happiness the we, as a family, couldn't deny.  I have always felt that each one of my kids came into my life, at the specific time that they did, for a reason.  Each child has brought something extremely special to our home and came at a time when they were needed.  Jaylen was the glue that brought us all together.  He brought a happiness into our home that had not been there.  We were happy before, but the spirit that came with that little boy just radiated and you couldn't help but smile constantly.  With that, I can't deny that God's hand is in everything.  I think Jaylen knew what his mission was before he came here and he fulfilled it completely.  He knew what his parents needed.  He knew his time was going to be short and he was going to make the most of it.  It's difficult to accept, I still ache daily for him, but I would do it all over again, even if I knew I would lose him again.

This past Saturday we were able to participate in our first 5k as a family, spreading some sunshine, and having some fun.  It is called The Color Run.  Also known as the Happiest 5k on the Planet, which I thought was the perfect race to run considering Jaylen was the happiest kid I knew.  As you cross each mile marker, they have people there to throw color powder all over you.  My sister and her family participated with us and everyone had a great time.  The kids particularly loved getting splashed with color and it was so great to see the smiles on their faces.  After the run, Ian told me that he couldn't wait to sign up for the next one.  It may not always be a color run, but I do hope to participate in many more, where we can wear our Jaylen shirts and help raise awareness to which ever cause we are running for.  This particular race was working with a charity for Colon Cancer.

As challenging as this process is, blessings are being received daily as well.  My life will never be the same.   I miss my baby boy more than words could ever express.  The tears still come almost daily, but we are adjusting.  I struggle daily with the fact that as time passes, Jaylen is becoming more of a memory than a reality.  I don't ever want it to be that way, but with time, that's what it brings.  No matter how much time passes though, Jaylen will always be a huge part of our family.  I will work daily to be better so I can get back to him.  I will never forget the promise I made to him right before we had to close his casket.  I leaned over, telling him over and over that I will do all that I can to get back to him.  I have started that journey.  I am doing all that I can to learn, grow, and become the best person I can be so I can get back to him.   It's not easy, but I know it will be worth it.