Grief Circulates

You would think that after almost 7 1/2 months, I would have this grieving thing down, but that is far from the truth.  Just when you think you have it down, there is a day that hits you so hard and it's back to square one.  Some days I can't believe that it has been as long as it has because the pain is so deep and fresh, but on most days it feels almost longer because it feels like it has been an eternity since Jaylen has been in my arms.  One of the hardest parts about this whole process is moving forward.  With moving forward, Jaylen becomes a memory rather than a reality and that is so hard to comprehend.  I don't want him as a memory.  I want the reality of my two year old running down the hall yelling, "mommy!" landing in my arms to give me a big kiss.  That was my reality and now all I get is to have are the memories.  It is so hard to comprehend as a mother, of what was, and what will never be.

I miss having this boy in my arms

I never realized how much emotions can continue to circulate over and over.  There are so many stages to grief and just because I have gone through the stages, that does not mean that they stop there.  They continue to circulate, going from shock to hurt to anger to numb to complete sadness.  Most of the time I think all those stages are combined into one too.  One thing that is so hard about that, when the sadness is so deep, I'm wishing that I didn't have to feel.  But when I am in a numb stage, there is a lot of guilt there because not feeling makes me think, "why am I not feeling? Am I okay that my son passed away?"  I should be broken constantly, but I know that if I was, I could not go on.  I think the only way for me and other grieving parents to survive this journey is to have those numb stages.  If not, it would be too difficult, but with that, there is the guilt of not feeling.  It's just one more reason that proves there is nothing easy about this.  As much as I wish I could say that it's okay and things do get easier, that isn't the truth.  Things just circulate and the body and mind continue to experience all stages of grief.  Do I think with more time, things will get better?  Of course, but I know that I will never be the same.  A part of me will always be missing and I will not feel complete again until we are all together again. 

There have been so many moments where I'm doing okay and within seconds, I will be in tears because something so minor could bring on a memory or a thought.  As I was sitting in church a couple of weeks ago, my morning had been fine.  I was feeling good, but as we were sitting in our first meeting, I looked over at my two kids sitting next to me, tears just started streaming down my face because it was a moment and a reminder that Jaylen was not there.  As I glanced over at Ian and Kaia, all that came to mind was, "Jaylen should be here.  This is not the way it was suppose to be!"  Those moments that come on so unexpected are hard.  I had another experience this past Sunday that I had not had before and it was very emotional.  I happened to be sitting on the middle row, second to the front.  I had never sat in that row and no one happened to be in front of us that day.  I was enjoying the speaker, feeling pretty good, but in a split second, all that changed.  A flood of memory came back to that dreadful day, sitting in the church at Jaylen's funeral.  The last time I had sat that close in a church was at his funeral and all I could picture at that moment was me, sitting there, staring at my son's casket.  That is a memory that I don't like to have.  I tried so hard in that moment to turn my mind on to something else, but all I kept seeing was that little white casket, closed, and draped with flowers.  It's those unexpected moments that catch you so off guard.  It is inescapable and the emotions are overwhelming.  I don't like the bad memories.  As hard as I try, there are moments that I can not escape those thoughts though.  It goes along with that dreadful night.  There are moments when I close my eyes and all that comes to mind is that night and I relive it over and over.  I wish so badly that there was a way to never let those moments seek into my mind and that I could only remember the good, but it's impossible.  

I miss my crazy, busy life!

We have so many good memories, but no matter the memory, good or bad, it hurts.  The good hurt because it is a reminder that there will be no more with Jaylen and the bad hurt because of the obvious.  Recently I have felt like we have been adjusting to our new life and moving forward. The other night though, Mike and I were sitting in our family room together.  I'm not quite sure what Kaia and Ian were doing in that moment, but as I sat there, I was so bored.  It wasn't a bored of nothing to do, it was more a bored with life.  Bored with not having a toddler to take care of.  Kind of like how it felt the first few days after we had come home from being in Utah for the funeral.  Jaylen brought so much excitement and energy to our family, along with the time that it took taking care of a toddler.  We have started to adjust, but there is still such an emptiness and life is just more boring without him.  We still continue to make memories and have fun as a family, but the energy is different.  The energy that a two year old brings to a family is hard to replace.  There is just something so special and irreplaceable about a young spirit and what they bring to a family. 

Easter was a special day for me this year.  I think it was the first year that I truly understood the meaning behind it.  I have always loved holidays, but never really reflected on why or what we are celebrating.  This year I focused more on what Easter is truly about and I now feel that Easter is, by far, my favorite holiday.  It has kind of turned into my "Jaylen Hope Day".  Because of Him, Jesus, I will be with my son again.  I am so grateful that someone was willing to sacrifice his son, so I can be with my son again.  Having lost my son, that had to be a HUGE sacrifice to know what his son was going to have to endure for all of us to be saved.  I'm grateful for the things that I am learning.  They give me hope, even when the light is dim.  I will be with my son again.  As much as my faith has wavered at times, that is one thing that I have never doubted.  This life here is definitely not the end, it is only a stopping point to eternity, and I am so grateful for that knowledge.