I have wanted to sit down numerous times lately to write, but have had nothing in me to do it. I have so much on my mind, but I don't have the motivation. You would think that almost six months later, I would be in a better place, but honestly, I think it is getting harder. The reality is starting to sink in as the shock factor wears off and I wake up each day with the reminder that Jaylen truly will not be coming back. Would you know by looking at me that I am struggling? Probably not, but inside, I am crumbling. Is it okay for me to walk around each day with a sad face? No. Most people that know me would say, Absolutely, with what I'm going through, but they are not who I associate with daily. If I were to walk around showing on the outside, what I feel on the inside, people would think I was crazy. Do I really want people, strangers mostly, to know the pain I'm feeling? Absolutely not. Not because it shows weakness, but because it makes people uncomfortable and honestly, I really am not a miserable, weak person. I have so much to be grateful for. I wake up each morning thinking to myself that I hate my life, but then I'm also saying, I don't hate my life, I have a great life, I just hate that this is a part of my life.
Jaylen at about 6 months old |
The other night, we were all sitting down to dinner. As we were finishing up, we all started goofing off, making musical noises, and dancing. It was one of the first moments since the accident that I noticed we were all laughing, genuine laughs, together. In that moment, I couldn't help but think about how Jaylen was missing it. He should be here. Those are the things we would do all the time when he was here. He loved it! He shouldn't be missing it now, it doesn't feel right. We were out on a walk the other night as a family. As we were walking, I just kept envisioning Jaylen right there with us walking. He loved going on walks and he wanted to walk, not be in the stroller. As we walked, I would watch my kids stroll along with the dog, picturing Jaylen holding her leash, walking with us. There is just nothing easy about this, I wish there was. No matter if I find myself enjoying the moment, there is always that reminder of what was. There is a quote I saw the other day that says, "I don't grieve just for the moment my loved one passed. I grieve the past, the future, and the now. A human being is more then just one moment in time..." I couldn't say it better.
My faith has really been tested lately. Six months ago, if you asked me if I believed in God, I would say yes and it wouldn't go much further than that. I have always had faith that God is real and that this life is not the end, but just a chapter. Religion was something that I was not interested in. I was a Christian and that was it. Since Jaylen's passing, I have really started searching for answers. I feel like I am more in tune with God now than I have ever been, but recently I feel so alone. My faith is weak. For months I honestly felt like I was being carried, but for the past few weeks I feel like I am climbing. Trying so hard to have that comfort and peace that I did in the beginning. I was so sure of so much right after the accident. My faith was so strong, but I feel like I'm fighting to keep it daily now.
We were driving on the freeway yesterday and there was a big billboard that read in large letters, "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FAITH IN GOD?" then below it was a scripture, Hebrews 11. I pulled out my phone immediately to look up the scripture because it caught my eye. Hebrews 11:1-3 reads, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtain good report. Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things in which are seen were not made of things which do appear". With Jaylen's passing I so hope that I will see him again, but it is only by faith that I can trust that I will. This funk that I have been in for almost two months has tested my faith so much. I feel like I'm striving to learn more every day, but that comfort is not there. Where has it gone? I wish I knew! I have always been told, the more you seek and make God a priority in your life, the closer you will feel to him. I feel I am doing more in my life now, than I ever have, to grow that relationship, but I feel nothing. I am empty. Maybe I hoping for more than is possible, but I need that comfort. The closer I am to God, the closer I feel I am to Jaylen. I don't feel Jaylen near and I ache for the peacefulness that was once felt.
As empty as the past couple of months have been, I still always try to keep positive. I know with the downs, no matter how long they last, there will be a time that the high will come again. I have always been an optimistic person and I will find a way to have the true inner happiness again. I know that it will never be what it once was, but there may come a time, that it will be sweeter than ever imagined. I have an Angel in Heaven that is watching over me daily. Having an Angel brings a part of Heaven to our home, even if we can't always feel it. My faith has been tested to the extreme, but I trust that I will be with Jaylen again. I know God has a plan for us all and I will continue on this path of hope even when I'm discouraged.
Thanks for sharing your feelings Jane. I can no way know how you are feeling or ever have the words to take away your pain, as much as I wish I could. But as I read your words, there is one person that I can think of that may have an idea of what you are going through and that is Chris Williams. I think he was the Bishop while you were still here, I don't know, I've lost time. I don't know if you've read his book "Let it go" but it is so amazing and the strength that he has been for everyone with the tragedy that he faced may in someway help you. If anything, I know that he would be there to talk to you about how he was able to get past his pain and sadness to be able to find joy again with his family. Your family has been through so much and you all are truly wonderful examples to everyone you meet. Just like you said, "you never know what someone is going through" You also never know how you have touched the lives around you. Hang in there and know that you are loved and try to find joy in the present time because it will be such a short time and then it is gone.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing, Jane! As painful as it is to read your words sometimes, it also lifts me up. You have always been someone I look up to but now more than ever, you are someone I try to be! I am so glad you have your faith and know that it will help carry you through this even when you can't feel that it is. I can't imagine how much you miss Jaylen and it helps to know that you aren't depressed about the time without him but instead looking forward to the time when you will be with him again! I love you so much and will ALWAYS be here to support you ❤️
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