A True Test of Faith

I have wanted to sit down numerous times lately to write, but have had nothing in me to do it.  I have so much on my mind, but I don't have the motivation. You would think that almost six months later, I would be in a better place, but honestly, I think it is getting harder.  The reality is starting to sink in as the shock factor wears off and I wake up each day with the reminder that Jaylen truly will not be coming back.  Would you know by looking at me that I am struggling?  Probably not, but inside, I am crumbling.  Is it okay for me to walk around each day with a sad face?  No.  Most people that know me would say, Absolutely, with what I'm going through, but they are not who I associate with daily.  If I were to walk around showing on the outside, what I feel on the inside, people would think I was crazy.  Do I really want people, strangers mostly, to know the pain I'm feeling?  Absolutely not.  Not because it shows weakness, but because it makes people uncomfortable and honestly, I really am not a miserable, weak person.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I wake up each morning thinking to myself that I hate my life, but then I'm also saying, I don't hate my life, I have a great life, I just hate that this is a part of my life.   

Jaylen at about 6 months old

This battle is so internal.  My mind does not shut down.  Every second of every day, my thoughts are on my sweet baby boy, gone too soon.  How can it not be??  This is something that even six months later is hard to comprehend.  The longer it goes, the more we are back into our daily routine and it's hard because life can't stop.  I can't just give up, lay in bed, cry day in and day out.  Honestly, the tears don't come as often as they use to, but the sadness is becoming deeper.  Am I depressed??  Absolutely not.  I know that for a fact!  The diagnosis?  A grieving mother who lost her baby boy long before expected.  By reading my words, one may think I am depressed, but I know without a doubt it is not depression.  I am not suicidal.  I have so much that brings happiness.  I have a husband who is truly my best friend.  He listens to me anytime I need to express my feelings and accepts me for who I am.  I have two beautiful, healthy, happy children still here, who bring laughter to me even on the most painful days.  I have parents who are half way across the world right now, that I know love me with all of their hearts and would be here for me at any minute.  I have my siblings and their families who are so loving. I have many incredible friends who pick me up daily.  There is so much love around me, so no, I am not depressed, just a mom who misses her baby deeply. 

Today I was at the gym and as I was finishing up, I saw a mom walk in with her two bi-racial children.  They stood out to me because they had to be right around the age of Kaia and Jaylen and had similar traits.  I couldn't help but stare, tears filling my eyes along with an intense sting to the heart.   I had envy as I looked at this mother, with her two beautiful children, about to go swimming.  That use to be me.  As I looked at her though, I couldn't help but think, what is she struggling with that I don't know about?  I walk around places now with just Ian and Kaia.  Someone may notice me out somewhere, thinking the same thought that I had of that mom today.  You just never know what someone is dealing with.

 

The other night, we were all sitting down to dinner.  As we were finishing up, we all started goofing off, making musical noises, and dancing.  It was one of the first moments since the accident that I noticed we were all laughing, genuine laughs, together.  In that moment, I couldn't help but think about how Jaylen was missing it.  He should be here.  Those are the things we would do all the time when he was here. He loved it!  He shouldn't be missing it now, it doesn't feel right.  We were out on a walk the other night as a family.  As we were walking, I just kept envisioning Jaylen right there with us walking.  He loved going on walks and he wanted to walk, not be in the stroller.  As we walked, I would watch my kids stroll along with the dog, picturing Jaylen holding her leash, walking with us.  There is just nothing easy about this, I wish there was.  No matter if I find myself enjoying the moment, there is always that reminder of what was.  There is a quote I saw the other day that says, "I don't grieve just for the moment my loved one passed.  I grieve the past, the future, and the now.  A human being is more then just one moment in time..."  I couldn't say it better.

My faith has really been tested lately.  Six months ago, if you asked me if I believed in God, I would say yes and it wouldn't go much further than that.  I have always had faith that God is real and that this life is not the end, but just a chapter.  Religion was something that I was not interested in.  I was a Christian and that was it.  Since Jaylen's passing, I have really started searching for answers.  I feel like I am more in tune with God now than I have ever been, but recently I feel so alone.  My faith is weak.  For months I honestly felt like I was being carried, but for the past few weeks I feel like I am climbing.  Trying so hard to have that comfort and peace that I did in the beginning.  I was so sure of so much right after the accident.  My faith was so strong, but I feel like I'm fighting to keep it daily now.  

We were driving on the freeway yesterday and there was a big billboard that read in large letters, "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FAITH IN GOD?" then below it was a scripture, Hebrews 11.  I pulled out my phone immediately to look up the scripture because it caught my eye.  Hebrews 11:1-3 reads, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  For by it the elders obtain good report.  Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things in which are seen were not made of things which do appear".  With Jaylen's passing I so hope that I will see him again, but it is only by faith that I can trust that I will.  This funk that I have been in for almost two months has tested my faith so much.  I feel like I'm striving to learn more every day, but that comfort is not there.  Where has it gone?  I wish I knew!  I have always been told, the more you seek and make God a priority in your life, the closer you will feel to him.  I feel I am doing more in my life now, than I ever have, to grow that relationship, but I feel nothing.  I am empty.  Maybe I hoping for more than is possible, but I need that comfort.  The closer I am to God, the closer I feel I am to Jaylen.  I don't feel Jaylen near and I ache for the peacefulness that was once felt.  

As empty as the past couple of months have been, I still always try to keep positive.  I know with the downs, no matter how long they last, there will be a time that the high will come again. I have always been an optimistic person and I will find a way to have the true inner happiness again.  I know that it will never be what it once was, but there may come a time, that it will be sweeter than ever imagined.  I have an Angel in Heaven that is watching over me daily.  Having an Angel brings a part of Heaven to our home, even if we can't always feel it.  My faith has been tested to the extreme, but I trust that I will be with Jaylen again.  I know God has a plan for us all and I will continue on this path of hope even when I'm discouraged.