Five Months

Five months ago today I woke up to Jaylen laying next to me in bed.  It was unusual for Jaylen to be in bed with me, but this particular morning he was having trouble going back to sleep.  Mike was up early with him, but had to leave for work so he placed Jaylen in bed with me right before he left.  Who knew that morning, that it would be the last one I shared with my beautiful son!  What a blessing it was that I had that opportunity, one that I will never forget, and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life!!  That morning I didn't think much of it, but looking back, there was a reason I got to wake up next to him.  Five months ago, my life changed forever!!  I will never be the mom, wife, friend, woman that I was before that day.  I look back on my life before that day, the things I stressed over, the little things that seemed important at the time, now seem so trivial.  What I wouldn't give to go back to my life previous to September 21, 2013.  I never knew a pain so deep, so ongoing, and so overwhelming at times.

Aching to hold him again

This new life is so up and down.  The emotions and day to day living is so exhausting.  I have had some really positive days, but I think I am in my first real funk.  You would think that with time, the pain would ease, the emotions would become more subtle, but that is far from the truth.  I think that as time goes on, it is harder.  Each month comes and goes, and with each month, that is one more month that I have gone without Jaylen.  I fear the day when I will say that it has been 5 years since I have held my baby boy.  That seems so long, but it will come so fast.  It has only been five months, but I already feel as if an eternity has passed since I have had him in my arms.  There is such a hole left in my heart.  It is something that can never be repaired, but somehow I have to learn and grow from this.

I often wonder why we are given the trials that we each face.  Why does one parent lose a child, while another parent doesn't?  I have met some amazing parents since Jaylen's accident who have lost children as well.  At times we feel as if we are being punished for something we have done in the past, but I look at these other families who are experiencing this same loss and they are all good, loving, honest people.  Bad things shouldn't happen to good people, but it does and will continue to every single day.  I get so frustrated when I hear the stories of child abuse.  I often find myself asking why so many parents that choose to abuse and neglect their children, will never end up losing one, but that so many loving parents do and will.  It's a hard thing to understand, especially as a grieving mother.  I try so hard not to judge because every single person has trials and struggles that one can not compare to the other, but I just struggle with hearing the stories of abuse and neglect.

It has been a hard few weeks.  My kids have been more emotional, Mike has been down, and I have felt very low.  About a month ago I was talking to one of my friends and she had mentioned that we should get a dog.  At that moment I thought, no way, that is the last thing that we need right now! As the days passed, I started thinking about it more, then one day I mentioned it to Mike.  He said that he had been having the same thoughts, which was surprising since he has not really wanted one at all.  Anyway, we didn't act on it immediately, but two weeks ago, I was having an extremely hard day and happened to just see what kind of puppies were available.  I went online and fell in love with the cutest, pit bull-terrier puppy named Ivy.  She was at a PetSmart in Dallas waiting to be adopted.  That night we decided to go see her and fell in love instantly.  She has been a blessing to our family.  I have seen a happiness in my kids eyes again that has not been there in awhile.  Not to say that they have forgot about Jaylen because they still talk about him constantly, but Ivy has brought some livelihood back into our lives.

With the blessing of having her, there still is that little bit of heartbreak as well.  I can't help but think of how much Jaylen would have loved her.  Our neighbors had gotten a new puppy this summer and Jaylen loved her!!  He was always trying to pick her up, carry her, and chase her around.  Anytime we would be outside and a neighbor would walk by with a dog, Jaylen would want to play with it.  He loved dogs!  We were at the park on Monday and had taken Ivy with us.  As I stood with her, watching the kids play, a little boy who couldn't have been much younger than Jaylen, came up to Ivy, started petting her and talking to her in his cute toddler little voice.  I couldn't help but get emotional.  I wanted that toddler to be Jaylen.  I wanted it to be Jaylen talking to her and petting her but instead,  I watched the sweet interaction between a child I don't know and my new puppy.  It is so bittersweet.  Ivy has been a huge blessing though...hard work, but we are so grateful to have found her and gave her a home.

We love Ivy!!

I have been so blessed to have a friend of mine in Utah visit Jaylen's grave regularly for me.  Just recently, I have been having her change the decorations on it from time to time.  Keep it nice, clean, and shouting of love for my Jaylen.  She is an amazing woman and I'm so lucky to call her my friend.  Anyway, this past week, she spent some extra time trying to get items for Jaylen's grave to make it perfect.  She had found some solar lights that needed 24 hours to charge and then afterwards, they would light up each night and shine on Jaylen's grave.  On Monday she took it all to the cemetery, got it decorated and let the lights charge.  She wanted to see how the lights turned out after being charged so she drove back on Tuesday, which by the way, is about a 20 minute drive from her house.  When she arrived at his graveside, the lights had been stolen, the flowers she planted in a pot had been cut off, and a balloon that was on a stick had been cut off also and taken.  As if my emotions have not already been down, this just topped it off!! It breaks my heart that there are such senseless people in this world that have no respect.  I don't have much left that I can do for Jaylen now that he is passed, but I still have his resting place to make nice.  It's devastating to think that may not be possible! I hope that it was a one time thing and it won't continue to happen.  I will not stop having it taken care of, even if things continue to be taken, but hopefully it was a one time thing and those senseless people will stay away from the cemetery.

I wish I could come on here, five months later, saying that things have gotten easier, but I can't.  I continue to wake up each day with a broken heart.  There is an emptiness that is indescribable and the words are so true, you truly can't understand unless you have walked in these shoes.  Child loss is the most devastating thing.  My heart breaks a little more each time I hear of another family experiencing this loss.  As broken as I am, I am still getting up each day, loving my husband, loving my kids, and trying to enjoy life as it is.  There will always be a crutch. My heart will always have that hole, but I will continue to learn, grow, and try my best to be better each day.  Some days are harder than others, but I want to make Jaylen proud.  I want him to know how much I love him and I believe by trying to go on positively, I am telling him just that.