Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back...

Just when you think you have this grieving process figured out, it only takes a second to feel knocked right back down.  I have had some amazing days, more positive than I could have ever hoped for, but those don't last.  I woke up yesterday feeling the emotions of pain seeping back in.  I miss Jaylen so much.  Most days I think I try to deny the pain I feel so I can go on with each day, helping my other children and husband, being the rock of the family.  We all know that if Mom is a mess, the whole family is as well.  I am fortunate that I don't feel I have to "hide" my emotions with my family, but I have been blessed with strength to be there for them.  I have been blessed with being able to get out of bed each morning, making sure they are fed, the house is clean, and all that needs to be taken care of, are.  I don't do this because I have to, I do it because I want our lives to continue as normal as they possibly can.  

Today has not been so easy.  I feel so lucky to be able to work from home.  I can hide in my house and not face the world that's in front of me.  Some days I don't want to face anything, all I want to do is rush to get through to the next day and the next.  But then, I look at my other two children and don't want to rush too fast because I still want to enjoy and cherish each moment that I have with them.  This grieving thing is so, so difficult in so many ways. One moment you are living, accepting, even smiling at times, shocked that it's even possible, but it only takes a second for that to change.  The reality of child loss is unbearable.  When I allow myself to really accept that Jaylen is not coming home, it becomes far too painful to think about.  Most days I think I block that thought out of my mind.  I can't go on each day thinking that way or I would never get out of bed.  Today has not been one of those days.  I am unable to block that thought from my head and I am struggling.

Two nights ago Kaia was playing with my phone.  She came across my voice memos and was playing on it.  I never use that app on my phone and had forgot all about it.  As she played with it, she pushed play and a recording came on that Jaylen and I had recorded together this summer.  We were goofing off, talking, and making sounds on it together.  I had forgotten that we had even done that and when she played it, Mike and I heard his voice and had to immediately turn it off.  Those are the reality checks that just make you shatter inside and out.  Both Mike and I have really struggled with looking at pictures.  I can glance, Mike can't look at all.  We have pictures up all over our house.  I would not want it any different, but I don't sit and stare at them.  I have them up to keep him present and here in our lives.  I will always have them surrounding us, but it is a real struggle to stare at him.  It is too painful.  Hearing his voice the other night turned my faith into hope and despair.  Mike and I have yet to watch any videos of him.  The thought of seeing him so alive is too painful.  Knowing that our beautiful son is in fact so real and such a part of us, just hurts too much, knowing that he is not here with us anymore.  All the hopes and dreams we had for him, Gone!  We use to talk so much about how Jaylen would be as he got older before all this happened.  We saw so much in him.  It brought such joy and excitement, but that has all been crushed.  Jaylen was so well rounded, into everything, always kept us on our toes.  He brought such excitement to our lives and I miss that so much.  Seeing videos and hearing his voice is too much a reminder of what will never be.  One day I know I will cherish all of those things, but right now, it is far too difficult to even try to watch or listen to. 

I spend a lot of time talking with my friends who have lost children as well.  It is so helpful to have them to vent to.  One day we were discussing how we felt and my friend Jenelle could not have said it better.   She described her heart as having a metal shield around it now, there is no feeling in it.  Just hard and cold, but every now and again, there is a warmth.  I so agree.  I don't have much feeling inside me these days.  Most days I just live to get through to the next.  I do have those days of warmth though.  If you read my blog, you can see that there are good days and even days that are a real high, but in reality, those days don't last.  I have learned that with every high, there comes a low, but with every low, there is hope for that high again.  The lows are HARD!  I dread when I can feel them coming because I know the pain that comes with them, but I have also learned that the only way to heal is to have the lows and feel the pain.  I would bottle it up all inside if I could and never feel again, but I know that could be very dangerous.  Feeling is how we grow and over come, but feeling can also be very painful.  I enjoy the days of numbness, but I know I have to heal too.  Not only for myself, but for my husband and other children.  We, as a family, need to heal and some how I know that we will.  I have seen the light, I have felt the warmth and I have to remind myself on these hard days that with time, it will get easier.

 
I have grown so much in the past four and half months.  I have learned more about myself than I think I have my whole life time.  I have more compassion and love for everything in life.  I wish I didn't have to go through what I am going through to learn these things, but I am.  They are the cards that have been dealt to me and I will continue to do my best to grow and learn.  I so badly want to give up some days.  Stay in bed, cry, punch walls, hide, but really what will that accomplish?  I don't get Jaylen back.  No matter what I do, it won't bring him back so somehow I have to turn my heartbreak into a positive thing.  I struggle daily.  I am dragging today, but tomorrow I will wake up and face a new day.  I am always hopeful for what the new day will bring and I guess that's what I have to do.  Look to each new day for what I can learn and grow from.  Does it make it easy?  No! But it's what I have to do.  People have said numerous times that they can't believe how strong I am, but really, it's that I have no other choice.  I have two other kids and a husband that I love way too much to ever give up.  I can tell you that before this happened I heard stories of other parents losing children and I just couldn't imagine.  My heart always broke a little when I heard a story.  Losing a child has always been one of my biggest fears, but I never truly thought I would have to live through it.  I didn't think I could ever go on if I ever had to experience a loss like this, but you find a strength that you didn't know was there.  I read a quote today which stood out, "You have a choice after a loss like this, you can be better or bitter."  I am really trying to be better...