Groundhog Day

He can bring a smile to any one's face!!

I've explained in the past that my days feel like Groundhog Day.  I wake up day in and day out feeling the same, numb feeling and my days feel so repetitive.  I do different things each day, but the feelings are similar and each day just feels the same.  Nothing has been the same since that dreadful day.  It has altered my life in so many ways, I can't even put it into words.  I awake daily, wishing so badly to go back to my life before the accident.  I'd do anything to have all three children present, but for some reason, it can't be that way.  With this tragedy though, I can tell you that I have witnessed blessings that I never would have had otherwise.  It is still very early into this process.  I still struggle, but I have found peace in my life that is so different than I've ever felt before.  I'm not sure if it's because I have opened my heart to build my relationship with God, or that my beautiful son has brought heaven into our home, but in my eyes, I believe it has to have a little to do with both and it is a very special feeling.

The Loves of my life!!

I think we as people, get so caught up in our daily lives. The stresses of every day life.  Taking care of a household, making sure our children have all that they need, paying bills, etc., that we forget what this life is really about.  I know that before the accident, I stressed over the most trivial things.  At the time, they seemed important, but what I have learned now is that love and spending time with the people we love, is what is most important.  I have said that the six months prior to losing Jaylen, we spent more time together as a family than we ever had.  Our family bond was stronger that it had ever been and I am so grateful that we were given that time to build that foundation.  We are a much stronger, closer family because of it.  I feel in some ways God was preparing us for the events that were about to take place in our lives.  I can tell you that if we had lost Jaylen at any time sooner, I don't know that our family could be where we are today.  I'm so grateful that we made the move to Texas.  It forced us to lean on each other more because we were all that we had for the most part, being in a new place.  It has confirmed to me that there are no coincidences in life.  There is a plan for each and every one of us.  I strongly believe that we were guided to Texas.  If we had not moved, we would have stayed in the same rut that we were in, in Utah and things would be very different right now.  I'm grateful that Mike and I trusted our instincts and moved our family, even though the unknown was very scary.

St. George Half Marathon 2013

I had the opportunity to run my first race, a half marathon, since the accident.  Ironically it fell on Groundhog Day which seemed suitable for how I have felt.  My sister Caron flew in from Salt Lake to spend the weekend and run the race with me. It was so fun to have her here with me and to run another race.  We have been in the process of creating a running shirt in honor of Jaylen, that I will now run each race in.  Unfortunately, they were not finished in time for this race.  I was pretty bummed.  All I could think about was the whole reason I want to run these races now is to Spread Sunshine and show my beautiful boy's face to the world.  My sister is so creative and Saturday we scrambled to put together a temporary shirt until we can get the real ones.  They turned out great and I'm grateful she was here to help.

Our temporary Jaylen shirts

Like I have said before, running has become so therapeutic for me.  It is that time I can just zone out, be alone, listen to my music, cry, scream, and talk to Jaylen.  Since I have pushed myself to get out there and go run, I am running faster than I ever have.  I've always been a decent runner, but my pace has picked up and I think it's because I'm so zoned out in thought.  As I was running this race on Sunday, it was cold, the wind was bitter and for half of the race, we were running into the wind which made it pretty challenging.  I remember a couple of distinct moments where it felt as if someone was pushing my back to keep me going.  A push to give me that stride to go faster.  At that moment, I knew Jaylen was with me.  It was an emotional run, but I finished, beating my personal record.  I have never sought out to win any of these races.  Most of the time, the ones who win, run at an incredible speed.  I did not win this race, but I did end up taking first place in my age group, seventh place in women's, and thirty-forth overall, out of 750 runners!!  I typically do not discuss the results from races in the past, but I have to say that once again, Jaylen has pushed me to a better me.  I believe I am running at my best because of him.  He is with me every step of the way and I am growing with each step, whether it's with running or just in my every day life.  Not only did I do well, my sister who is a few years older than me, placed third in her age group and ran a great race also. It was a fun day to realize that we had accomplished something more than we had set out to do.

This past race was the first of many that I look forward to.  Our next will be a 5K Color Run that we will be running in Dallas, together as a family, in April.  My sister who lives in Texas also, and her family will be joining us.  My kids have never participated in a race with me and I think they are really looking forward to being a part of it.  I look forward to a start of hopefully something positive and therapeutic for us, as a family, to do together.  I hope that in time, we will have many more participants and spread sunshine to the world.  Jaylen has touched so many lives.  He changed mine from the moment I went into labor at 29 weeks.  The moment he was born I knew there was something unique and very special about him. I will do all in my power to never let him be forgotten.  The days are still far from easy.  I still really struggle, but I am learning and growing. There is nothing that can bring Jaylen back, I wish there were. If there was a magic pill, I would take it in a heartbeat, but since there is not, I will do my best to carry on Jaylen's legacy as positively as I can.  It is what he would want.  He wants me happy, he wants his brother and sister happy, and he wants his dad happy.  We are trying to do that for him.

Kaia had to have her own Jaylen picture :)