Another Month on this Journey

What is this thing we call death? I think I wake up each day asking myself that question.  Since Jaylen's passing,  that question has weighed heavily on my mind.  I thought about it a lot after my brother passed, but with Jaylen being my child, gone so young and so soon, it has become something I yearn to learn more about.  I wake up each morning aching to hold my child in my arms again, but I am learning and growing so much.  This life is not the end, death should not be feared, but more something to look forward to. 

A true ANGEL!!!

Today marks four months without Jaylen.  It has probably been the longest four months of my life.  I look back on those four months and probably could not tell you the majority of what I have done each day.  My days are still blurred.  I am present in each day, but my mind is elsewhere most times.  I don't think there is a second that has gone by since losing Jaylen where I have not thought of him.  They are not always sad thoughts, but the pain does not go away.  Some days I now feel as if the pain is worse.  The longer is goes is one more day without him.  I love little sayings that I come across daily and there is one that really has stood out to me.  It says, "one more day without you means I am one more day closer to being with you again".  That speaks such truth. With each passing day, I ache for how long it has been without Jaylen, but with each passing day, I am that much closer to having him in my arms again.

I can't wait to hold him again

Mornings have become tough for me.  I think with each new day, it is one more day that I adjust to this new normal.  Each morning feels like I awake to a slap in the face.  I go to bed each night hoping that maybe this is just a horrible nightmare, but then I wake to face it all over again...day after day, after day.  I go into Jaylen's room each morning to open his blinds and let the sun shine through, but every time I step foot in his room and see his empty crib, my heart breaks a little bit more.  I am reminded that in fact, this is real.  You would think that after four months I would be use to it and believe that it is real, but I'm not and don't.  I don't know if I will ever be use to it.  I think with time it will just become easier to face each day...hopefully.

We had our first experience at The Warm Place last night.  It was pretty surreal sitting there thinking about the reason we were there.  As I looked around at all the families that were there, it broke my heart knowing the reason why we were all together.  It was a little uncomfortable at first.  Most people who know me know that I am a bit shy if I don't know you very well.  Being out of my comfort zone is hard for me and something I struggle with.  When we first arrived, we had a potluck dinner with all the other families.  Sitting down to eat with all these families that we don't know was awkward and I was grateful it didn't last too long.  After dinner, the adults gathered in a room while the kids went into groups.  When we first got in there, we introduced ourselves, said the name of our child we lost and how they passed away.  It was quite emotional.  As I listened to these parents one by one, say their child's name and sense the pain they feel, I realized that I am far from alone in this journey.  Jaylen is the youngest of all the kids who have passed in that group, but the other ages range from 5-19.  Some were taken tragically, others to illness, one even to suicide.  What I realized though,  is that no matter what way they lost their child, we all share the same pain.  Whether it was something that the parents were prepared for or something unexpected.

After spending about 30 minutes in separate groups, we gathered as families again.  They gave us a planter pot to decorate with memories of our child on it.  We drew pictures, wrote nicknames, anything that reminded us of our child/sibling.  Afterwards we gathered all together, went around the room saying our child's name and sharing some of the things that we put on this pot.  The director then read a poem and we sang a song.  It was a little cheesy, but I can definitely see how it can be healing.  As we left that night, these people who felt like strangers when we first got there, became people who I feel a love for now.  We don't know each other, I couldn't tell you most of their names, but I feel as if a bond was created.  We share the same pain, we all want to make sense of what has happened, and we want to heal positively, not let it destroy us.

On our car ride home, I noticed a sense of happiness in my kids that I haven't seen in awhile.  I worry about them constantly on how this loss will affect them.  Not necessarily at this moment, but in years to come.  Kaia said to me the other day, "Mom, it's taking forever to die!"  I was startled by that comment because I never thought my five year old would be waiting for that time to come.  I don't want her to be waiting for that day. I want her to know that we can enjoy life.  Right now it may seem too long until we see Jaylen again, but when the day comes, it won't have felt very long at all.  I think about how this tragedy has affected us as a family.  I hope that my children will be able to look back one day and say that my parents were better because of what happened, rather than losing us too that day.  Kaia is more vocal about her feelings so I am able to talk to her more about things,  while Ian keeps more in and doesn't want to talk about it.  I felt a sense of peace within him last night and I hope that with each month that we attend, he will heal too.

So, as me and my family continue on this journey to truly understand what "death" is and as we go through the experiences that we do each day, I can tell you what I have already learned so far.  Death is not the end.  I will see my sweet Jaylen again.  My heart aches for him daily.  I wish more than anything that I could have him in my arms, but I know that I will have that chance and when I do, it will be even sweeter than the first time.  Ian and Kaia are learning more about death in their younger age than most, but they will have a knowledge that most kids won't.  They will know that death is not something to be afraid of, but that it is the next journey of life and not something to fear.  We will all be together again and although we can't physically see or touch Jaylen, he is close.  The veil is thin and there is not much that separates us.  Death is not the end, it is the start of eternity and we will all experience that together in due time. 

One day they will all be playing again!!