A True Test of Faith

I have wanted to sit down numerous times lately to write, but have had nothing in me to do it.  I have so much on my mind, but I don't have the motivation. You would think that almost six months later, I would be in a better place, but honestly, I think it is getting harder.  The reality is starting to sink in as the shock factor wears off and I wake up each day with the reminder that Jaylen truly will not be coming back.  Would you know by looking at me that I am struggling?  Probably not, but inside, I am crumbling.  Is it okay for me to walk around each day with a sad face?  No.  Most people that know me would say, Absolutely, with what I'm going through, but they are not who I associate with daily.  If I were to walk around showing on the outside, what I feel on the inside, people would think I was crazy.  Do I really want people, strangers mostly, to know the pain I'm feeling?  Absolutely not.  Not because it shows weakness, but because it makes people uncomfortable and honestly, I really am not a miserable, weak person.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I wake up each morning thinking to myself that I hate my life, but then I'm also saying, I don't hate my life, I have a great life, I just hate that this is a part of my life.   

Jaylen at about 6 months old

This battle is so internal.  My mind does not shut down.  Every second of every day, my thoughts are on my sweet baby boy, gone too soon.  How can it not be??  This is something that even six months later is hard to comprehend.  The longer it goes, the more we are back into our daily routine and it's hard because life can't stop.  I can't just give up, lay in bed, cry day in and day out.  Honestly, the tears don't come as often as they use to, but the sadness is becoming deeper.  Am I depressed??  Absolutely not.  I know that for a fact!  The diagnosis?  A grieving mother who lost her baby boy long before expected.  By reading my words, one may think I am depressed, but I know without a doubt it is not depression.  I am not suicidal.  I have so much that brings happiness.  I have a husband who is truly my best friend.  He listens to me anytime I need to express my feelings and accepts me for who I am.  I have two beautiful, healthy, happy children still here, who bring laughter to me even on the most painful days.  I have parents who are half way across the world right now, that I know love me with all of their hearts and would be here for me at any minute.  I have my siblings and their families who are so loving. I have many incredible friends who pick me up daily.  There is so much love around me, so no, I am not depressed, just a mom who misses her baby deeply. 

Today I was at the gym and as I was finishing up, I saw a mom walk in with her two bi-racial children.  They stood out to me because they had to be right around the age of Kaia and Jaylen and had similar traits.  I couldn't help but stare, tears filling my eyes along with an intense sting to the heart.   I had envy as I looked at this mother, with her two beautiful children, about to go swimming.  That use to be me.  As I looked at her though, I couldn't help but think, what is she struggling with that I don't know about?  I walk around places now with just Ian and Kaia.  Someone may notice me out somewhere, thinking the same thought that I had of that mom today.  You just never know what someone is dealing with.

 

The other night, we were all sitting down to dinner.  As we were finishing up, we all started goofing off, making musical noises, and dancing.  It was one of the first moments since the accident that I noticed we were all laughing, genuine laughs, together.  In that moment, I couldn't help but think about how Jaylen was missing it.  He should be here.  Those are the things we would do all the time when he was here. He loved it!  He shouldn't be missing it now, it doesn't feel right.  We were out on a walk the other night as a family.  As we were walking, I just kept envisioning Jaylen right there with us walking.  He loved going on walks and he wanted to walk, not be in the stroller.  As we walked, I would watch my kids stroll along with the dog, picturing Jaylen holding her leash, walking with us.  There is just nothing easy about this, I wish there was.  No matter if I find myself enjoying the moment, there is always that reminder of what was.  There is a quote I saw the other day that says, "I don't grieve just for the moment my loved one passed.  I grieve the past, the future, and the now.  A human being is more then just one moment in time..."  I couldn't say it better.

My faith has really been tested lately.  Six months ago, if you asked me if I believed in God, I would say yes and it wouldn't go much further than that.  I have always had faith that God is real and that this life is not the end, but just a chapter.  Religion was something that I was not interested in.  I was a Christian and that was it.  Since Jaylen's passing, I have really started searching for answers.  I feel like I am more in tune with God now than I have ever been, but recently I feel so alone.  My faith is weak.  For months I honestly felt like I was being carried, but for the past few weeks I feel like I am climbing.  Trying so hard to have that comfort and peace that I did in the beginning.  I was so sure of so much right after the accident.  My faith was so strong, but I feel like I'm fighting to keep it daily now.  

We were driving on the freeway yesterday and there was a big billboard that read in large letters, "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FAITH IN GOD?" then below it was a scripture, Hebrews 11.  I pulled out my phone immediately to look up the scripture because it caught my eye.  Hebrews 11:1-3 reads, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  For by it the elders obtain good report.  Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things in which are seen were not made of things which do appear".  With Jaylen's passing I so hope that I will see him again, but it is only by faith that I can trust that I will.  This funk that I have been in for almost two months has tested my faith so much.  I feel like I'm striving to learn more every day, but that comfort is not there.  Where has it gone?  I wish I knew!  I have always been told, the more you seek and make God a priority in your life, the closer you will feel to him.  I feel I am doing more in my life now, than I ever have, to grow that relationship, but I feel nothing.  I am empty.  Maybe I hoping for more than is possible, but I need that comfort.  The closer I am to God, the closer I feel I am to Jaylen.  I don't feel Jaylen near and I ache for the peacefulness that was once felt.  

As empty as the past couple of months have been, I still always try to keep positive.  I know with the downs, no matter how long they last, there will be a time that the high will come again. I have always been an optimistic person and I will find a way to have the true inner happiness again.  I know that it will never be what it once was, but there may come a time, that it will be sweeter than ever imagined.  I have an Angel in Heaven that is watching over me daily.  Having an Angel brings a part of Heaven to our home, even if we can't always feel it.  My faith has been tested to the extreme, but I trust that I will be with Jaylen again.  I know God has a plan for us all and I will continue on this path of hope even when I'm discouraged. 

Five Months

Five months ago today I woke up to Jaylen laying next to me in bed.  It was unusual for Jaylen to be in bed with me, but this particular morning he was having trouble going back to sleep.  Mike was up early with him, but had to leave for work so he placed Jaylen in bed with me right before he left.  Who knew that morning, that it would be the last one I shared with my beautiful son!  What a blessing it was that I had that opportunity, one that I will never forget, and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life!!  That morning I didn't think much of it, but looking back, there was a reason I got to wake up next to him.  Five months ago, my life changed forever!!  I will never be the mom, wife, friend, woman that I was before that day.  I look back on my life before that day, the things I stressed over, the little things that seemed important at the time, now seem so trivial.  What I wouldn't give to go back to my life previous to September 21, 2013.  I never knew a pain so deep, so ongoing, and so overwhelming at times.

Aching to hold him again

This new life is so up and down.  The emotions and day to day living is so exhausting.  I have had some really positive days, but I think I am in my first real funk.  You would think that with time, the pain would ease, the emotions would become more subtle, but that is far from the truth.  I think that as time goes on, it is harder.  Each month comes and goes, and with each month, that is one more month that I have gone without Jaylen.  I fear the day when I will say that it has been 5 years since I have held my baby boy.  That seems so long, but it will come so fast.  It has only been five months, but I already feel as if an eternity has passed since I have had him in my arms.  There is such a hole left in my heart.  It is something that can never be repaired, but somehow I have to learn and grow from this.

I often wonder why we are given the trials that we each face.  Why does one parent lose a child, while another parent doesn't?  I have met some amazing parents since Jaylen's accident who have lost children as well.  At times we feel as if we are being punished for something we have done in the past, but I look at these other families who are experiencing this same loss and they are all good, loving, honest people.  Bad things shouldn't happen to good people, but it does and will continue to every single day.  I get so frustrated when I hear the stories of child abuse.  I often find myself asking why so many parents that choose to abuse and neglect their children, will never end up losing one, but that so many loving parents do and will.  It's a hard thing to understand, especially as a grieving mother.  I try so hard not to judge because every single person has trials and struggles that one can not compare to the other, but I just struggle with hearing the stories of abuse and neglect.

It has been a hard few weeks.  My kids have been more emotional, Mike has been down, and I have felt very low.  About a month ago I was talking to one of my friends and she had mentioned that we should get a dog.  At that moment I thought, no way, that is the last thing that we need right now! As the days passed, I started thinking about it more, then one day I mentioned it to Mike.  He said that he had been having the same thoughts, which was surprising since he has not really wanted one at all.  Anyway, we didn't act on it immediately, but two weeks ago, I was having an extremely hard day and happened to just see what kind of puppies were available.  I went online and fell in love with the cutest, pit bull-terrier puppy named Ivy.  She was at a PetSmart in Dallas waiting to be adopted.  That night we decided to go see her and fell in love instantly.  She has been a blessing to our family.  I have seen a happiness in my kids eyes again that has not been there in awhile.  Not to say that they have forgot about Jaylen because they still talk about him constantly, but Ivy has brought some livelihood back into our lives.

With the blessing of having her, there still is that little bit of heartbreak as well.  I can't help but think of how much Jaylen would have loved her.  Our neighbors had gotten a new puppy this summer and Jaylen loved her!!  He was always trying to pick her up, carry her, and chase her around.  Anytime we would be outside and a neighbor would walk by with a dog, Jaylen would want to play with it.  He loved dogs!  We were at the park on Monday and had taken Ivy with us.  As I stood with her, watching the kids play, a little boy who couldn't have been much younger than Jaylen, came up to Ivy, started petting her and talking to her in his cute toddler little voice.  I couldn't help but get emotional.  I wanted that toddler to be Jaylen.  I wanted it to be Jaylen talking to her and petting her but instead,  I watched the sweet interaction between a child I don't know and my new puppy.  It is so bittersweet.  Ivy has been a huge blessing though...hard work, but we are so grateful to have found her and gave her a home.

We love Ivy!!

I have been so blessed to have a friend of mine in Utah visit Jaylen's grave regularly for me.  Just recently, I have been having her change the decorations on it from time to time.  Keep it nice, clean, and shouting of love for my Jaylen.  She is an amazing woman and I'm so lucky to call her my friend.  Anyway, this past week, she spent some extra time trying to get items for Jaylen's grave to make it perfect.  She had found some solar lights that needed 24 hours to charge and then afterwards, they would light up each night and shine on Jaylen's grave.  On Monday she took it all to the cemetery, got it decorated and let the lights charge.  She wanted to see how the lights turned out after being charged so she drove back on Tuesday, which by the way, is about a 20 minute drive from her house.  When she arrived at his graveside, the lights had been stolen, the flowers she planted in a pot had been cut off, and a balloon that was on a stick had been cut off also and taken.  As if my emotions have not already been down, this just topped it off!! It breaks my heart that there are such senseless people in this world that have no respect.  I don't have much left that I can do for Jaylen now that he is passed, but I still have his resting place to make nice.  It's devastating to think that may not be possible! I hope that it was a one time thing and it won't continue to happen.  I will not stop having it taken care of, even if things continue to be taken, but hopefully it was a one time thing and those senseless people will stay away from the cemetery.

I wish I could come on here, five months later, saying that things have gotten easier, but I can't.  I continue to wake up each day with a broken heart.  There is an emptiness that is indescribable and the words are so true, you truly can't understand unless you have walked in these shoes.  Child loss is the most devastating thing.  My heart breaks a little more each time I hear of another family experiencing this loss.  As broken as I am, I am still getting up each day, loving my husband, loving my kids, and trying to enjoy life as it is.  There will always be a crutch. My heart will always have that hole, but I will continue to learn, grow, and try my best to be better each day.  Some days are harder than others, but I want to make Jaylen proud.  I want him to know how much I love him and I believe by trying to go on positively, I am telling him just that.

Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back...

Just when you think you have this grieving process figured out, it only takes a second to feel knocked right back down.  I have had some amazing days, more positive than I could have ever hoped for, but those don't last.  I woke up yesterday feeling the emotions of pain seeping back in.  I miss Jaylen so much.  Most days I think I try to deny the pain I feel so I can go on with each day, helping my other children and husband, being the rock of the family.  We all know that if Mom is a mess, the whole family is as well.  I am fortunate that I don't feel I have to "hide" my emotions with my family, but I have been blessed with strength to be there for them.  I have been blessed with being able to get out of bed each morning, making sure they are fed, the house is clean, and all that needs to be taken care of, are.  I don't do this because I have to, I do it because I want our lives to continue as normal as they possibly can.  

Today has not been so easy.  I feel so lucky to be able to work from home.  I can hide in my house and not face the world that's in front of me.  Some days I don't want to face anything, all I want to do is rush to get through to the next day and the next.  But then, I look at my other two children and don't want to rush too fast because I still want to enjoy and cherish each moment that I have with them.  This grieving thing is so, so difficult in so many ways. One moment you are living, accepting, even smiling at times, shocked that it's even possible, but it only takes a second for that to change.  The reality of child loss is unbearable.  When I allow myself to really accept that Jaylen is not coming home, it becomes far too painful to think about.  Most days I think I block that thought out of my mind.  I can't go on each day thinking that way or I would never get out of bed.  Today has not been one of those days.  I am unable to block that thought from my head and I am struggling.

Two nights ago Kaia was playing with my phone.  She came across my voice memos and was playing on it.  I never use that app on my phone and had forgot all about it.  As she played with it, she pushed play and a recording came on that Jaylen and I had recorded together this summer.  We were goofing off, talking, and making sounds on it together.  I had forgotten that we had even done that and when she played it, Mike and I heard his voice and had to immediately turn it off.  Those are the reality checks that just make you shatter inside and out.  Both Mike and I have really struggled with looking at pictures.  I can glance, Mike can't look at all.  We have pictures up all over our house.  I would not want it any different, but I don't sit and stare at them.  I have them up to keep him present and here in our lives.  I will always have them surrounding us, but it is a real struggle to stare at him.  It is too painful.  Hearing his voice the other night turned my faith into hope and despair.  Mike and I have yet to watch any videos of him.  The thought of seeing him so alive is too painful.  Knowing that our beautiful son is in fact so real and such a part of us, just hurts too much, knowing that he is not here with us anymore.  All the hopes and dreams we had for him, Gone!  We use to talk so much about how Jaylen would be as he got older before all this happened.  We saw so much in him.  It brought such joy and excitement, but that has all been crushed.  Jaylen was so well rounded, into everything, always kept us on our toes.  He brought such excitement to our lives and I miss that so much.  Seeing videos and hearing his voice is too much a reminder of what will never be.  One day I know I will cherish all of those things, but right now, it is far too difficult to even try to watch or listen to. 

I spend a lot of time talking with my friends who have lost children as well.  It is so helpful to have them to vent to.  One day we were discussing how we felt and my friend Jenelle could not have said it better.   She described her heart as having a metal shield around it now, there is no feeling in it.  Just hard and cold, but every now and again, there is a warmth.  I so agree.  I don't have much feeling inside me these days.  Most days I just live to get through to the next.  I do have those days of warmth though.  If you read my blog, you can see that there are good days and even days that are a real high, but in reality, those days don't last.  I have learned that with every high, there comes a low, but with every low, there is hope for that high again.  The lows are HARD!  I dread when I can feel them coming because I know the pain that comes with them, but I have also learned that the only way to heal is to have the lows and feel the pain.  I would bottle it up all inside if I could and never feel again, but I know that could be very dangerous.  Feeling is how we grow and over come, but feeling can also be very painful.  I enjoy the days of numbness, but I know I have to heal too.  Not only for myself, but for my husband and other children.  We, as a family, need to heal and some how I know that we will.  I have seen the light, I have felt the warmth and I have to remind myself on these hard days that with time, it will get easier.

 
I have grown so much in the past four and half months.  I have learned more about myself than I think I have my whole life time.  I have more compassion and love for everything in life.  I wish I didn't have to go through what I am going through to learn these things, but I am.  They are the cards that have been dealt to me and I will continue to do my best to grow and learn.  I so badly want to give up some days.  Stay in bed, cry, punch walls, hide, but really what will that accomplish?  I don't get Jaylen back.  No matter what I do, it won't bring him back so somehow I have to turn my heartbreak into a positive thing.  I struggle daily.  I am dragging today, but tomorrow I will wake up and face a new day.  I am always hopeful for what the new day will bring and I guess that's what I have to do.  Look to each new day for what I can learn and grow from.  Does it make it easy?  No! But it's what I have to do.  People have said numerous times that they can't believe how strong I am, but really, it's that I have no other choice.  I have two other kids and a husband that I love way too much to ever give up.  I can tell you that before this happened I heard stories of other parents losing children and I just couldn't imagine.  My heart always broke a little when I heard a story.  Losing a child has always been one of my biggest fears, but I never truly thought I would have to live through it.  I didn't think I could ever go on if I ever had to experience a loss like this, but you find a strength that you didn't know was there.  I read a quote today which stood out, "You have a choice after a loss like this, you can be better or bitter."  I am really trying to be better...

Groundhog Day

He can bring a smile to any one's face!!

I've explained in the past that my days feel like Groundhog Day.  I wake up day in and day out feeling the same, numb feeling and my days feel so repetitive.  I do different things each day, but the feelings are similar and each day just feels the same.  Nothing has been the same since that dreadful day.  It has altered my life in so many ways, I can't even put it into words.  I awake daily, wishing so badly to go back to my life before the accident.  I'd do anything to have all three children present, but for some reason, it can't be that way.  With this tragedy though, I can tell you that I have witnessed blessings that I never would have had otherwise.  It is still very early into this process.  I still struggle, but I have found peace in my life that is so different than I've ever felt before.  I'm not sure if it's because I have opened my heart to build my relationship with God, or that my beautiful son has brought heaven into our home, but in my eyes, I believe it has to have a little to do with both and it is a very special feeling.

The Loves of my life!!

I think we as people, get so caught up in our daily lives. The stresses of every day life.  Taking care of a household, making sure our children have all that they need, paying bills, etc., that we forget what this life is really about.  I know that before the accident, I stressed over the most trivial things.  At the time, they seemed important, but what I have learned now is that love and spending time with the people we love, is what is most important.  I have said that the six months prior to losing Jaylen, we spent more time together as a family than we ever had.  Our family bond was stronger that it had ever been and I am so grateful that we were given that time to build that foundation.  We are a much stronger, closer family because of it.  I feel in some ways God was preparing us for the events that were about to take place in our lives.  I can tell you that if we had lost Jaylen at any time sooner, I don't know that our family could be where we are today.  I'm so grateful that we made the move to Texas.  It forced us to lean on each other more because we were all that we had for the most part, being in a new place.  It has confirmed to me that there are no coincidences in life.  There is a plan for each and every one of us.  I strongly believe that we were guided to Texas.  If we had not moved, we would have stayed in the same rut that we were in, in Utah and things would be very different right now.  I'm grateful that Mike and I trusted our instincts and moved our family, even though the unknown was very scary.

St. George Half Marathon 2013

I had the opportunity to run my first race, a half marathon, since the accident.  Ironically it fell on Groundhog Day which seemed suitable for how I have felt.  My sister Caron flew in from Salt Lake to spend the weekend and run the race with me. It was so fun to have her here with me and to run another race.  We have been in the process of creating a running shirt in honor of Jaylen, that I will now run each race in.  Unfortunately, they were not finished in time for this race.  I was pretty bummed.  All I could think about was the whole reason I want to run these races now is to Spread Sunshine and show my beautiful boy's face to the world.  My sister is so creative and Saturday we scrambled to put together a temporary shirt until we can get the real ones.  They turned out great and I'm grateful she was here to help.

Our temporary Jaylen shirts

Like I have said before, running has become so therapeutic for me.  It is that time I can just zone out, be alone, listen to my music, cry, scream, and talk to Jaylen.  Since I have pushed myself to get out there and go run, I am running faster than I ever have.  I've always been a decent runner, but my pace has picked up and I think it's because I'm so zoned out in thought.  As I was running this race on Sunday, it was cold, the wind was bitter and for half of the race, we were running into the wind which made it pretty challenging.  I remember a couple of distinct moments where it felt as if someone was pushing my back to keep me going.  A push to give me that stride to go faster.  At that moment, I knew Jaylen was with me.  It was an emotional run, but I finished, beating my personal record.  I have never sought out to win any of these races.  Most of the time, the ones who win, run at an incredible speed.  I did not win this race, but I did end up taking first place in my age group, seventh place in women's, and thirty-forth overall, out of 750 runners!!  I typically do not discuss the results from races in the past, but I have to say that once again, Jaylen has pushed me to a better me.  I believe I am running at my best because of him.  He is with me every step of the way and I am growing with each step, whether it's with running or just in my every day life.  Not only did I do well, my sister who is a few years older than me, placed third in her age group and ran a great race also. It was a fun day to realize that we had accomplished something more than we had set out to do.

This past race was the first of many that I look forward to.  Our next will be a 5K Color Run that we will be running in Dallas, together as a family, in April.  My sister who lives in Texas also, and her family will be joining us.  My kids have never participated in a race with me and I think they are really looking forward to being a part of it.  I look forward to a start of hopefully something positive and therapeutic for us, as a family, to do together.  I hope that in time, we will have many more participants and spread sunshine to the world.  Jaylen has touched so many lives.  He changed mine from the moment I went into labor at 29 weeks.  The moment he was born I knew there was something unique and very special about him. I will do all in my power to never let him be forgotten.  The days are still far from easy.  I still really struggle, but I am learning and growing. There is nothing that can bring Jaylen back, I wish there were. If there was a magic pill, I would take it in a heartbeat, but since there is not, I will do my best to carry on Jaylen's legacy as positively as I can.  It is what he would want.  He wants me happy, he wants his brother and sister happy, and he wants his dad happy.  We are trying to do that for him.

Kaia had to have her own Jaylen picture :)

Another Month on this Journey

What is this thing we call death? I think I wake up each day asking myself that question.  Since Jaylen's passing,  that question has weighed heavily on my mind.  I thought about it a lot after my brother passed, but with Jaylen being my child, gone so young and so soon, it has become something I yearn to learn more about.  I wake up each morning aching to hold my child in my arms again, but I am learning and growing so much.  This life is not the end, death should not be feared, but more something to look forward to. 

A true ANGEL!!!

Today marks four months without Jaylen.  It has probably been the longest four months of my life.  I look back on those four months and probably could not tell you the majority of what I have done each day.  My days are still blurred.  I am present in each day, but my mind is elsewhere most times.  I don't think there is a second that has gone by since losing Jaylen where I have not thought of him.  They are not always sad thoughts, but the pain does not go away.  Some days I now feel as if the pain is worse.  The longer is goes is one more day without him.  I love little sayings that I come across daily and there is one that really has stood out to me.  It says, "one more day without you means I am one more day closer to being with you again".  That speaks such truth. With each passing day, I ache for how long it has been without Jaylen, but with each passing day, I am that much closer to having him in my arms again.

I can't wait to hold him again

Mornings have become tough for me.  I think with each new day, it is one more day that I adjust to this new normal.  Each morning feels like I awake to a slap in the face.  I go to bed each night hoping that maybe this is just a horrible nightmare, but then I wake to face it all over again...day after day, after day.  I go into Jaylen's room each morning to open his blinds and let the sun shine through, but every time I step foot in his room and see his empty crib, my heart breaks a little bit more.  I am reminded that in fact, this is real.  You would think that after four months I would be use to it and believe that it is real, but I'm not and don't.  I don't know if I will ever be use to it.  I think with time it will just become easier to face each day...hopefully.

We had our first experience at The Warm Place last night.  It was pretty surreal sitting there thinking about the reason we were there.  As I looked around at all the families that were there, it broke my heart knowing the reason why we were all together.  It was a little uncomfortable at first.  Most people who know me know that I am a bit shy if I don't know you very well.  Being out of my comfort zone is hard for me and something I struggle with.  When we first arrived, we had a potluck dinner with all the other families.  Sitting down to eat with all these families that we don't know was awkward and I was grateful it didn't last too long.  After dinner, the adults gathered in a room while the kids went into groups.  When we first got in there, we introduced ourselves, said the name of our child we lost and how they passed away.  It was quite emotional.  As I listened to these parents one by one, say their child's name and sense the pain they feel, I realized that I am far from alone in this journey.  Jaylen is the youngest of all the kids who have passed in that group, but the other ages range from 5-19.  Some were taken tragically, others to illness, one even to suicide.  What I realized though,  is that no matter what way they lost their child, we all share the same pain.  Whether it was something that the parents were prepared for or something unexpected.

After spending about 30 minutes in separate groups, we gathered as families again.  They gave us a planter pot to decorate with memories of our child on it.  We drew pictures, wrote nicknames, anything that reminded us of our child/sibling.  Afterwards we gathered all together, went around the room saying our child's name and sharing some of the things that we put on this pot.  The director then read a poem and we sang a song.  It was a little cheesy, but I can definitely see how it can be healing.  As we left that night, these people who felt like strangers when we first got there, became people who I feel a love for now.  We don't know each other, I couldn't tell you most of their names, but I feel as if a bond was created.  We share the same pain, we all want to make sense of what has happened, and we want to heal positively, not let it destroy us.

On our car ride home, I noticed a sense of happiness in my kids that I haven't seen in awhile.  I worry about them constantly on how this loss will affect them.  Not necessarily at this moment, but in years to come.  Kaia said to me the other day, "Mom, it's taking forever to die!"  I was startled by that comment because I never thought my five year old would be waiting for that time to come.  I don't want her to be waiting for that day. I want her to know that we can enjoy life.  Right now it may seem too long until we see Jaylen again, but when the day comes, it won't have felt very long at all.  I think about how this tragedy has affected us as a family.  I hope that my children will be able to look back one day and say that my parents were better because of what happened, rather than losing us too that day.  Kaia is more vocal about her feelings so I am able to talk to her more about things,  while Ian keeps more in and doesn't want to talk about it.  I felt a sense of peace within him last night and I hope that with each month that we attend, he will heal too.

So, as me and my family continue on this journey to truly understand what "death" is and as we go through the experiences that we do each day, I can tell you what I have already learned so far.  Death is not the end.  I will see my sweet Jaylen again.  My heart aches for him daily.  I wish more than anything that I could have him in my arms, but I know that I will have that chance and when I do, it will be even sweeter than the first time.  Ian and Kaia are learning more about death in their younger age than most, but they will have a knowledge that most kids won't.  They will know that death is not something to be afraid of, but that it is the next journey of life and not something to fear.  We will all be together again and although we can't physically see or touch Jaylen, he is close.  The veil is thin and there is not much that separates us.  Death is not the end, it is the start of eternity and we will all experience that together in due time. 

One day they will all be playing again!!

A New Year

Me and my cute parents

It's been awhile since I have written and I have had so much on my mind.  We just got back from Utah on Thursday, it was great to be close to family and friends, but I am grateful to be home.  The moment we landed in Salt Lake, I had all these emotions come over me.  I turned to Mike and said that I want to go back home, but I am grateful that I was able to spend the time that I did there.  My parents are leaving on a mission for their church for two years to London so it was great to be able to spend the past two weeks with them.   As I was in Utah though, I realized how much I enjoy being able to "hide away" in my house in Texas.  Not that I didn't enjoy being around family and friends, but at times it was overwhelming and I've come to really enjoy the time with just my little family here. 

When we got back home, I had an overwhelming amount of emotions come over me as I walked in my house after being gone for so long.  I walked into our family room and saw Jaylen's pictures.  For a minute it felt like Jaylen was about to come running around the corner, but then reality set in again that this is real, I really am living in this nightmare.  I think a lot of days I am still in disbelief.  Then, moments like that make it real and it sucks.  I think it's easier to live in disbelief and bury what has happened.  When I think too much about it, or have moments like that, it makes it too hard.  

While in Utah, I was able to finally have that face to face conversation with the two other mom's that I have grown so close to since the accident.  They are amazing women and have been a saving grace for me.  I don't know that I would be surviving this tragedy without them.  It's unfortunate the circumstances that brought us together, but we all have said that there is no coincidence in it and we feel that our angels knew that we needed each other.  This is a club that no one wants to be in, but I feel fortunate to have these women in my life.  It's amazing the bond that has been formed.  Three women who had never met each other became instant friends and I feel that they will be my life long friends.  We spent the whole evening talking, crying, laughing and it was so needed.  I have these other women who truly "get it" and I'm just so grateful that we were able to finally get together.  They both live in Utah so I'm hoping that we can get together annually and maybe I can even get them to Texas one of these days. 

We were able to visit Jaylen's resting place a couple of times while being there also.  I was pretty nervous for the first visit, not really knowing what to expect or how I would feel.  As we pulled up to the cemetery I got a big pit in the bottom of my stomach.  So many emotions over came me.  It's very surreal to pull up to a cemetery knowing that I'm about to visit my two year old sons grave.  It's not the way this life it suppose to be.  Parents aren't suppose to bury their children, but it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY and something that no one can escape.  There are a lot of fortunate parents out there that will never have to feel this kind of pain, but there are also too many parents that have and will.  As we got out of the car and walked over to his spot, tears welled up in my eyes and I was shaking.  After a moment of being there it became very peaceful.  I was overcome with feelings of peace, similar to how I felt the day of Jaylen's funeral.  This is a horrific thing to live through daily, but the peace I have felt at times reassures me that this is a plan and Jaylen is okay.  I am so blessed that I get to be his Mom and I know there will be a time that I will get to raise him.  Even with the peace that I feel, it is a struggle every day and there are still days where I don't know how I will make it through, but I do and am.  Some days I really want to give up, but then I look at my two other children and it's all the motivation I need.  

Kaia was ready for the night to be over

New Years was a tough night.  We spent the evening with some of Mike's friends, playing games, watching TV, and the kids were all playing together.  All night I just kept thinking how Jaylen should be here.  There were people there that Mike and I had never met.  It is very hard for me to be out somewhere and people only see Ian and Kaia.  I just want to say to them all, I have Jaylen too!!  People see my two kids running around and have no idea what I'm missing.  But that conversation is uncomfortable for so many that I don't even go there most times.  I just wish that he wasn't missing.  It's funny too because that night I wanted a picture taken of us.  As I asked Mike's friend to take the picture, I asked him to take it of the five of us without even thinking.  It is so natural to say five, but people don't see five and I hate it.  Anyway, I have really tried to start taking more pictures of us all together because we only have two or three of the five of us and it is one of my biggest regrets!  I have tons of pictures, but hardly any of us all together so I'm trying to do that more now.  

Christmas turned out to be pretty decent.  We were in the airport most of the day so it really didn't feel much like Christmas, which I was grateful for.  The kids woke up around 8 and had their gifts open by 8:10.  They rushed through getting them all open.  After everything was open, we sat around for a while, but then decided to take the tree down.  We had a little bit of time before we had to leave for the airport and I was just ready for it all to be put away.  It was nice to have it taken care of before we left, then we were able to come home to a clean house and didn't have to deal with it when we got back.  

This year for Christmas Eve I was hoping to do something that my kids would remember.  I told my sister that it would be great to do some form of service, then have a simple dinner together.  We are still new to the area and wasn't sure of what to do, but my sister new of some people who were alone for the holidays.  We decided that it would be nice to go Christmas caroling to them and hopefully let them feel some love that day.  There was one lady that we went to see in a nursing home.  This sweet lady is about 94 years old and such a happy lady.  While we were singing to her and her roommate, I got an overwhelming feeling of emotion.  For a minute I felt as if Jaylen was there with us.  It was an amazing feeling and I cherish those moments.  I have not had too many experiences where I have felt Jaylen close, I wish I had them constantly, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way.  It was a special moment for me.  I was grateful that we were able to bring a smile to others that day.  It left a good feeling inside of me that I was hoping to have.

After we left from spending time with my sisters family, we came home and spent some time with our neighbors before coming home for bed.  We have become close to a family that lives up the street from us and spend a lot of time with them.  I am grateful for the friendship that we have built.  After leaving their house, we got the kids to bed and waited awhile for them to go to sleep.  I still had a few gifts to wrap so I did that while waiting for the kids to fall asleep.  Once they fell asleep I hurried to put the gifts out.  After I previously wrote about my concern for the stockings I had so many wonderful people send me suggestions of what I could do to make it more positive.  I didn't have enough time to put together what I wanted to, but I already know what I have planned for future years.  Anyway, Jaylen's stocking did not get filled, but he did receive a truck in it so it wasn't empty. After putting all the gifts out, a whole new set emotions came over me and I cried myself to sleep.  It was a very tough night.  I hate that he is not here to spend these moments, any moment, with us.  It is just so hard to understand at times.  I wish there was an answer that made it easier.  Even if I had an answer, the heartache I feel for missing him would not go away.  I don't think that will go away until I am reunited with him.  

As we start 2014 I am nervous of what's to come.  I try to stay positive, but so many things can happen.  What's tough is that 2013 had turned out to be a great year up until Jaylen's accident.  We had a really tough year in 2012 and I was grateful for what 2013 brought us, until that dreadful day.  Our family was so happy, the family bond was strong, and we were happier than we had been in a long time.   I hope that even with Jaylen's tragedy our family bond will stay strong.  I hope that 2014 will bring nothing but happiness, besides the fact of missing Jaylen and learning to live without him.  I'm optimistic that things can't get any worse than what we have already endured, but we are not guaranteed anything.  Life is precious, family is everything and I am a different person because of this.  I hope that I will continue to grow and be better from what I have experienced.  I hope that Mike and I will carry on Jaylen's legacy in a positive way always and that we never disappoint him.  My goal is to be a better mom, wife, friend and to make Jaylen proud.  

Three Months...sigh

I miss him more and more each day

The three month mark has come and gone and as the months roll by, the pain I feel does not lessen.  It almost has become more because the shock has warn off and the reality that Jaylen is not coming home becomes more apparent. I go to sleep each night hoping to wake up to a new reality, that it was just a horrible dream, but the truth is, it is a horrible nightmare that I will live each day until we are reunited.  I will say, not every day is horrible, but it still is a challenge to wake up each day and live in this new normal.  I do have "good" days, but with those good days, there are just as many, if not more, bad days.  The one bearable thing about the bad days, is that I know a good day will come.

It has been very hard to feel the Christmas spirit this year. This time of year is usually my absolute favorite.  The spirit of Christmas usually brings such excitement and joy, but Mike and I were talking the other day and we both can not wait for it to be over.  I am so ready for the holidays to be done and a new year to start.  With a new year, I know my thoughts and feelings about Jaylen will not change, but I'm looking forward for life to slow down again.  Christmas time seems so busy and hectic, some days I feel that I don't even have a minute to breath.  I hate going any where right now.  You walk into a store and it's pure madness.  I don't have the energy or desire to be around that.  Since Jaylen's accident my mind has felt like like a bunch of scribbles on a piece of paper, so when I approach any store right now, it just adds to it and I'm already worn out just living day to day.  I look forward to some calmness again, even if it's just a little bit.

On Saturday I approached the stores one last time to get the stocking stuffers for my kids.  As I was walking around the store trying to figure out what I would get to fill them, I thought of Jaylen's stocking that will not be filled this year. I hung all five stockings up because he still is a huge part of our family, but it will not get filled.  For a moment, I thought, maybe I should buy some things to fill it, but then again, it would just sit there on Christmas untouched.  Either way, it will not be an easy morning.  Jaylen's stocking will either hang on the hook alone, or be filled and not touched.  I think that is one of the biggest challenge of this whole process, no matter what you do, there is a constant reminder that your child is missing.  It's not a trial that can be solved or just go away, it is something that I will work through daily for the rest of my life. Will it get easier with time?  Probably...but it will never end or go away.

At church yesterday in my Sunday School class, we were having a discussion on families being together forever. A sweet woman, who is probably in her late seventies, told a story of her first child, a daughter, who passed away in her womb at seven months.  As she began to tell of her story, she got extremely emotional talking of this child that she looks forward to being with again.  Listening to her, talking about the child she has been missing for all these years really effected me.  This sweet woman, still all these years later, mourns the loss of her sweet child.  I think of my sweet grandmother all the time also.  She lost a daughter, three days after she was born, unexpectedly.  My grandmother is almost 94 years old and has gone all these years missing her daughter.  The thought of being apart from Jaylen that many years is daunting. It did make me realize though, it will get easier, but missing him will never go away.  I don't think there will ever be a day go by where I will not think of Jaylen and miss him until that day I am reunited with him.  Whether it be a few short years or fifty, I will mourn for him and look forward to the reunion.  

My grandma and grandpa a few years before his passing.
She is an inspiration to me and one of my heroes!!

  
We head out to Utah on Christmas Day to spend some time with family and friends.  I look forward to being with them.  I'm grateful for the family and friends that I have.  I could not survive each day without them.