A Search for Happiness

Christmas 2012

Christmas time use to be my most favorite time of year.  From the day Thanksgiving was over to January 1, I would listen to Christmas music non stop.  I loved being out and around town, seeing all the beautiful decorations and Christmas lights.  Walking through the malls, smelling the cinnamon roasted almonds cooking, hearing the jingle bells ring, and seeing the excitement on the kids faces as they would sit on Santa's lap.  There was always something so magical about this time of year.  Today, being almost 15 months into my journey, that has all changed.  I so badly want to be excited about this time of year.  I want those feelings that I use to have, but they are gone.  

We took the kids this past week to pick out a Christmas tree.  Kaia had been begging us since the day after Thanksgiving so we knew we needed to get it before she ran us crazy.  I think if it weren't for Ian and Kaia, Mike and I would probably skip on the normal Christmas traditions now.  It's hard to truly enjoy anything when something so big is missing.  As we got home from getting the tree, I got the lights set up and then let the kids decorate.  I sat back and watched, envisioning what it would be like to have Jaylen there in that moment. We were fortunate to have Jaylen with us for two Christmases, but of those two Christmases, he was at an age that he didn't really understand what was going on.  I remember our last Christmas with him here.  After we had decorated the tree, I learned shortly later that only the top half could have ornaments.  Jaylen thought that the ornaments were balls and would take them off, throwing them around the house.  I think he broke over a dozen ornaments that year.  What I wouldn't give to have him breaking ornaments this year.  

Lately I have really been struggling.  The pain is so different as time goes on.  I have heard that year two is more difficult than year one.  So far, I don't know how to compare the two other than they are different, but yet the same.  Year one for me was shock, confusion, broken, empty, soul searching, trying to make sense of it all, and so on.  So far my experience in year two is all of those things, along with wanting so badly to feel normal again, but "normal" is gone.  The tears still fall regularly, but the uncontrollable sobbing fest are more spread out and come at the most unexpected times.  I have thought a lot about the months leading up to Jaylen's accident.  We were in such a great place as a family.  I think we were happier than we had ever been.  Life wasn't perfect, but it felt pretty close to that.  As the numbness has slowly worn off, I have craved to feel that pure and blissful feeling lately.  As I had been craving that blissful feeling, I was searching for ways to get that back in my life.  Seeking old habits, thinking that maybe doing some of the things we use to do would maybe bring a part of that back.  What I realized though, is that no matter what I do in life, nothing can bring back that true happiness that was once there.  

Daddy and Jaylen have an undeniable bond

Mike and I were on a walk the other night.  It was just the two of us, which rarely happens, but so nice to have that time to talk.  He doesn't open up to me much about his feelings on Jaylen, but he did that night.  I'm always grateful to have those conversations with him because a lot of times I think we both try to stay strong in each others presence so we don't bring the other one down.  In all reality though, our thoughts are the same.  We both think about Jaylen non stop.  What life would be like right now?  What would Jaylen being playing with, saying?  How tall would he be and so on... So many questions that run through our minds on a daily basis.  Then, along with that, every little boy that we see just tugs at our a hearts a little more.  We have both said how badly we wish that pure happiness was still there. We have so much to be grateful for.  We have a good life and continue to have so many blessings come our way, but that doesn't change the fact that a huge part of us is gone.  We have both realized that we can be "happy", we have "happy" moments, but know that the complete and utterly, blissful feeling of happiness will not be there until we are whole again and all together.  Not to say that we can't be happy, we have had many happy moments since, but it will just never be the same.  And honestly, how can it be??  

Today is my brother Brian's birthday.  If he were here today, he would be turning 38.  I think about how much has changed in my family's lives the past, almost six years.  If you would have asked me six years ago if I thought I would have a brother and son in Heaven I would have laughed.  Those things don't happen to me...at least that's what we all think, right? Well, those things do happen and I'm living it first hand now.  Losing people so close to you is hard to imagine, until it actually does and you realize how easily it can happen.  It changes you deeply.  I not only cherish each moment a little more, I also fear each moment because I know that it could be our last.  As I continue on this journey, each day is a stepping stone.  Some days that stone is very unsteady, others day it's a little stronger, but slowly I am moving forward, one step at a time.   

LOVE this picture!!
 My nephew drew it after Jaylen's passing. 

My Perfect Angel

Last week my kids brought home their school pictures for this school year, they turned out perfect of course.  Every year when my kids have their pictures taken, I exchange the one they have on the wall with the updated one.  I have not updated their pictures since before Jaylen's passing from last year.  As I took Kaia's picture down, replaced the picture, and then Ian's, I looked at Jaylen's and realized that I will never get to change his picture.  Yes, I could change it with a different one, but I will never have that picture of Kindergarten.  The picture of third grade where he has missing teeth or the picture of the funny smile and the messy hair.  It's these little things that hit you in the moment and it stings.  I look at his beautiful picture on our wall and emotions consume me.  He is a perfect angel who has blessed our family in so many ways.  This is not the path I had planned for him.  

Jaylen, about an hour after he was born

Jaylen was the piece of the puzzle that completed our family.  I remember talking with Mike about wanting one more child after Kaia.  I always thought the magic number was three and so when Mike agreed, I was ecstatic.  Jaylen didn't come as planned either, it took a little bit of time and in that time, we had a miscarriage.  Fortunately after the miscarriage, it didn't take long and we were preparing for this child that was so badly wanted.  I think Jaylen wanted to come as bad as we wanted him to because on September 21, 2011, in the middle of the night at just 29 weeks of pregnancy, my water broke.  We rushed to the hospital and were fortunate to keep Jaylen inside long enough for the doctors to do some things to help prepare his lungs for a premature delivery.  Four days after my water broke, at just 30 weeks, Jaylen arrived weighing 3 pounds 7 ounces.  He was perfect in every way, just small and needed time to grow.  I remember being so worried that day my water broke, the fear of the unknown and what was to come.  Jaylen amazed us all at his fight and determination to grow so he could come home and be with us.  When he was born, we were told that he could be in the hospital for at least ten weeks, but after a long, but short five week stay, our perfectly healthy premature baby was home.   I remember the feeling of having him in our home, a little piece of heaven, which still to this day has not gone away.  

Holding mommy's hand

As I think about the dates of Jaylen's arrival, I don't believe that it was any coincidence that exactly two years after he was preparing to come into this world, he left this world.  September 21 will never be the same for me.  After Jaylen was born, we joked that he was our million dollar baby because of the medical expenses that came from his birth.  He was our miracle and still is.  I look at his picture every day and talk to him, thinking that maybe he can hear me.  It's funny how our trials in life really put things into perspective and what truly is important.  

Halloween was quite different for me this year.  I have always enjoyed watching the kids get dressed up and see the excitement in their eyes for trick or treating.  This year, as we would take our nightly walks though, I had a different feeling.  As we would walk by the homes decorated, I was bothered by the homes that glorified death in such an evil, ugly, creepy way.  Yes, death can be ugly.  People are taken from this earth in horrifying ways, but my thoughts on death are so different now.  I remember talking last year with my sister in law, who was married to my brother that has passed away.  She said to me that death is hard, but there is such a beauty that comes with it also.  At that time, I was still early in my grief.  I thought she was insane and could not understand how she could feel that way.  A year later, I look back at the miracles and blessing that have come in my life and she is right, there is a beauty that comes with death.  Our home, most days, feels like a piece of heaven is there.  There are blessings that have come our way that we know are because of our angel in heaven.  Yes, I would trade all those blessings and feelings in a heartbeat to have Jaylen back with us, but that was not the plan.  Jaylen came to us knowing his path.  I believe we all knew before coming here, our destiny.  As we entered this world and crossed from the vail, our premortal life became a blur, but I believe that once we return back home, we will look back and remember.

Halloween 2011, 2 days after coming home from the hospital

  
We all signed up for this life knowing that it would come full of trials.  As I think about that, I wonder why I would ever sign up knowing that I would lose my child, there is NO WAY I would want to go through this!  This life is a gift, we never know when our time is up.  I do know though, we chose to come here knowing what we would be returning too. It's hard to fathom now, but I know it's got to be something pretty amazing for these trials to be worth it.  

Empty Hand

Every morning I get to take Kaia to school and drop her off.  We park the car down the street from the school and walk a little ways so we aren't caught up in the traffic.  Each day as we get out of the car, Kaia reaches for my hand and we walk, hand in hand, until she reaches her school doors.   I look forward to that small moment each morning with Kaia.  Something that I know won't last forever, but cherish that for now, she wants to hold my hand.  

Most mornings it is hectic as we get to the school because so many parents are dropping their kids off.  As I watch these parents, a lot of them have their younger children with them as well.  It makes me wish Jaylen could be there with me to send Kaia off each day.  One morning, like most, I walked Kaia to the school doors and started heading back to my car.  As I looked up, there was a mom in front of me, walking hand in hand with her toddler.  The little girl couldn't have been more than two.  At that moment, emotions filled my entire body as I tried to hold back the tears.  My hand never felt so empty.   The moment I got to my car, I lost it.  I hadn't had a good cry in awhile and I let it out.  Those are the moments that are so hard.  The unexpected flood of emotions.  Waking up to a decent day, just to be reminded once again that my baby is gone.  I will never get to hold his hand again in this life.  I will never get to walk him across the street to school.  The last time I held Jaylen's hand, he had already slipped into the next life.   

There are so many moments in life that are taken for granted.  Before losing Jaylen, holding my child's hand did not mean the same.  Of course I still enjoyed it, but it was something I took for granted.  Now, each time Kaia reaches for my hand, I squeeze a little tighter and hold on to the moment.  It is something that I look forward to.  It's amazing to realize all the simple things that are taken for granted.  I'm guilty of it myself, even today, but I am more aware of what is important.  Most are more considerate of complete strangers than they are their own family members.  We take for granted the things closest to us because we think they will always be there.  When in reality, family is everything and life can change in an instant.

One thing I can tell you about grief is that it teaches you to love a little harder.  The small, simple moments are big moments now.  Kaia reaching for my hand, warms my soul.  Ian giving me a hug, makes my heart a little fuller.  I'm still so new to this process, but in a way, I feel as if I have learned so much.  It is a lesson I never wanted to learn, but I'm here so I'm trying to figure it out.  I think back to a year ago, life was so clouded.  The sun was shining bright most days, but all I saw was gray.  I'd wake up each morning wondering how was I going to survive another day?  There are still mornings where I wake up feeling that way.  There is still a lot of gray, but I can slowly see pockets of sunlight coming through now.  Life will never be the same.  I will miss Jaylen until I am reunited with him, but he has taught me more in my life than I could have ever imagined.  I would never trade the two short years that I got with him.  I feel lucky that I got the time that I did.  It has made me realize that truly, this life here on earth, is only a stopping point to eternity.  I know Jaylen lives.  I know my brother Brian lives and I know Jesus lives.  I'm not ready for that next step yet, but I do look forward to the day that we are all reunited.  

One Year...Really??

Looking back on this last year I can't believe that the calendar already says October 2, 2014.  Was it really over one year ago that I lost my beautiful Jaylen??  One year of sleepless nights, distraught, blurred days and trying to make sense of life now??  Some days it feels like it has been an eternity since Jaylen left this world, moving on to the next step towards eternity, but other days it seems as if it was just yesterday.  I still feel stuck as I try to move forward, but never wanting to leave Jaylen in the past.  Trying to figure out how to still build positive memories, but keeping Jaylen still included.  Even though he is not with us physically, I still feel that he is very much a part of our family and that will never change.  I have three children and Jaylen is one of them.  

This past summer was extremely hard for me.  I'm not sure if it was because that year date was slowly creeping up on me, but I really struggled.  I was probably lower than I have ever been since losing Jaylen. There were days that I was literally living minute by minute, wondering how am I ever going to survive this tragedy?  I miss my baby boy so much!!  Words will never be able to describe what it is like to lose a child.  You CAN NOT understand unless you are walking this path and my heart hurts so badly for every parent that does understand.  With that though, time slowly crept into September and I had to prepare myself for that dreadful "D" day anniversary, along with what would have been Jaylen's third birthday to follow only four days later.  Along with preparing for that, I still needed to make September a good month because Kaia was born in September and we always want to make her birthday special as well.  

At Peter Piper Pizza for Kaia's 5th Birthday

 I remember Kaia's birthday last year.  We had gone to Peter Piper Pizza with a few friends.  I remember watching Jaylen, thinking about how fast he was growing up and how fun it was to watch him try and be like the "big kids".  My heart was so full that night.  I had all three kids with me, smiling, laughing, and having the time of their lives.  That night was exactly one week before tragedy struck.  I cherish those moments and am so grateful that we have so many positive memories together. 

This year for Kaia's birthday all she wanted to do was go to Chuck E Cheese so we agreed.   It was hard for me to be there, but I put on a smile and made Kaia's birthday as positive as I could.  What was hard about that night is that Jaylen was not there.  Memories of a year before came flooding back and how badly I wish he was still with us.  I think that is what is so difficult about this whole process.  Everything we do now is a "before" and "after."  Everything we did a year ago, Jaylen was with us and we have so many great memories.  We have still made some really great memories this past year, but it is not the same and never will be.  With that too, we are now on to year two and a year ago, the nightmare had just begun.

For many months I contemplated on what to do to make September 21-25th of each year special now.  Last year was such a fog to me, especially that week, but one thing I remember vividly was all that sunshine that was spread during that dark time.  My sister in law had come up with the idea immediately after hearing about what happened to Jaylen and that is kind of how "Spreading Sunshine for Jaylen" was started.  I can not thank her enough for having the idea.  In lieu of losing my little boy, good things were taking place and it made my heart feel a little less empty.  With the way it made me feel last year, I decided that I wanted to turn the week of September 21-25 into a week of "Spreading Sunshine" for years to come.  

This past September 21st we spent the day together as a family, doing something that Jaylen would love.  We spent the morning at Six Flags over Texas, then went to lunch.  That evening, with many people in the community that we have grown to love, we released 200 yellow balloons and 1 white, representing Jaylen's first angel year,  into the beautiful Texas sky.  It was a beautiful moment and there is no doubt that Jaylen was aware and present on that night.  That was the start to a dreaded, but beautiful week.  As I witnessed the many people that participated in Spreading Sunshine, along with the recipients who shared of their experiences, I felt a feeling of happiness that I had not felt in over a year.  I struggled for months thinking about this week, but it turned out to be probably the best week I've had in the last year and I know it is what Jaylen would want and was hoping for.  

What I've come to realize about the Angel day is that it is a day for everyone else to remember.  It is no different that the Monday in April, or the Thursday in July, that I woke up to another day without Jaylen.  For so long, I was so worried about how I would feel on that day and the emotions that would be there, but in reality, that day was easier than most days I have had this past year.  Everyday is an anniversary to me because everyday is one more day without Jaylen.  With that though, with each passing day, it is one more day closer to us seeing Jaylen again.  I have learned through grief and this process that time, either way, is not your friend.  I dread waking up each morning, just to add one more day without Jaylen, but I also know that time won't stop and eventually time is what will have my family all back together again.  

Jaylen's angel week could not have gone better.  I am so grateful for the lives that were touched that week and feel so honored that so many people wanted to share my Jaylen with the world.  To most, he is just a beautiful little boy who went home too soon, but to me, his Mama, he is everything.  My heart was so full because for one week, my everything, was a part of so many others lives.  I think for all parents who have lost a child, one of the biggest fears is that their child will be forgotten.  For one week though, my child was not forgotten, but remembered and made aware of to so many.  

Still, one year later, I wake to a new reality.  Every morning is still a slap in the face.  The day Jaylen left us, my biggest fear in all of this was that we would forget what it is like to have Jaylen in our daily lives.  What's hard is that the fear has come true.  The memories will never be forgotten.  The love for him is just as strong as it was the day he was born, but the reality of taking care of him and having him actually in home is no longer there.  Yes, we feel him near, but the void of that physical presence and the hands on of taking care of him, is huge.  We have adjusted though, that fear has come true, and it's just one more thing about this ugly reality.  

Life is short.  I never thought I would make it through this past year, but it has come and gone.  I am now on to year two.  There are many who have said year two was harder than year one.  If that's the case, I am not looking forward to it.  No matter what, whether it is year one or year thirty, Jaylen will always be in my heart.  There will always be that deep pain from the separation, but there is hope.  Hope that we, as a family, can still have a happy future.  Just because we can't physically touch Jaylen, he will always be with us.  We have an angel in heaven watching over us, guiding and directing us.

My Angel! Cheering us on from the other side now

Back to School

Family "back to school" activity
Texas Rangers game

Normally back to school is an exciting time, seeing the kids progress each year and starting a new chapter in their lives.  This year was a little different for me though.  As happy as I am that Ian is advancing to the sixth grade and Kaia is starting Kindergarten, there is a sadness within me too.  It's a bittersweet moment.  A year ago, I would have looked at this upcoming year as something to look forward to.  Kaia would be starting her first year in a "big" school as she would say.  She is no longer a little girl, but simply "growing up" as she put it to me bluntly the other day.  And yes, she definitely is growing up, which I am grateful to be able to watch and appreciate every day that I get with her, but I was not prepared to have an empty house without children in my care.

First day of 6th grade

 

I am a working mother, but have been blessed to be able to work from home.  Even though I do work from home, I still had to find care for my kids while working.  Not a big deal though because since I am at home, I spent less time in the car traveling, taking the kids across town, to and from daycare, along with traveling to and from my office.  It was a HUGE blessing when we moved to Texas and was able to have that opportunity.  I have had more time with my kids and I had a lot more time spent with Jaylen, which I would not have had otherwise.   Last year Kaia and Jaylen were attending the same preschool/daycare.  Kaia enjoyed school but Jaylen HATED being left there.  I couldn't help but reminisce this past Monday when I took Kaia to her first day of Kindergarten and think back to a year ago.  Jaylen clung to me every time we walked into that daycare, knowing that I was about to leave him for eight hours.  It tore me up inside EVERY time.  It was absolutely my least favorite part of the day, I actually dreaded it.  I would have given anything to not have to leave him there, but I knew that once I was out of his sight, he was fine.  The highlight of the day was going back to pick him up.  They have windows at the daycare where you can look into the classroom and see what the children are doing.  Most days when I would go and pick him up, I would watch through the window for a minute, waiting for him to realize that I was there.  The expression on his face, when he would notice me, was priceless.  The excitement that would come over him melted my heart because he was so excited to see me.  Once he saw me, I would head to the door and watch him run towards the door on the other side.  As I opened it, every time, he would just run in my arms, screaming "Mommy!!" so grateful to see me.  I don't know why that memory flooded my mind on Monday, but it did and I was sad.

First day of Kindergarten

I realized that I would never get to experience a day like that again.  A day that he would cling to me, not wanting to let him go.  I will never get a first day of Preschool with Jaylen, a first day of Kindergarten, a first day of Middle School, and so on.  I wasn't prepared a year ago to have all my children in school full time at this point in my life.  I thought I had more time, more time with one baby still at home with me.  More time to prepare for sending Jaylen off to so many "first" in his life.  Instead, I sent Jaylen off to a much different place, one that I was not prepared for.  I often ponder all the things that he is learning and doing now.  I'm sure that he is having many first that I am not able to be there for.

Most have seen the ALS ice bucket challenge going around on Facebook.  It has been so fun to watch as awareness has been made for this horrible disease.  I really didn't know much about it until this challenge started and we were challenged.  It was a good opportunity to be educated, along with educating my kids.  Kaia and Ian have loved watching all the videos come through.  Because of that challenge, many other type of challenges have been started.  As I logged onto Facebook this morning, I noticed that my sister in law had challenged me, and others, a new challenge.  To share what Jesus means to me.  I was a little surprised and thought about it for a moment.  A year ago, I probably would have been offended that she would call me out like that, but I know without Jesus, I would not be surviving this tragedy today.  The only peace and comfort that I have felt this past year is when I am trying to build my relationship with him.  I have learned so much in this past year, about Jesus, that has brought comfort.  There are still many days of darkness, but I cling to those moments of peace and clarity.  I have never prayed in my life like I have in this past year.  I am ashamed to say that it took losing my son to pour my heart out to God, but I'm grateful to know that he does not judge us and loves us unconditionally.

My parents are half way across the world right now serving a mission for their church in London.  I miss them deeply, but with technology these days we are able to FaceTime frequently.  The other day I was struggling and needed some comfort so I called them.  For that moment, I was their little girl again trying to find her way in this big world of mess.  My dad shared a scripture with me, "My son (he said daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.  And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes" D&C 121:7-8.   I'm grateful for having parents to help me through this trial and all other trials I have faced in life.  They are great examples to me and my family.  This life hard, it's messy and it's not because of this one trial, but for the trials that we all face daily.  I know that one day in the future though, I will have that moment once again with my precious Jaylen.  That moment where we meet eye to eye and he runs into my arms, yelling, "mommy!" 

I will hold you in my arms again, my angel!!

Grief...the Ugly Truth

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Grief as: deep sadness caused especially by someone's death; a deep sadness; trouble or annoyance.  As I read this definition I did agree, but I also feel that there is so much more that can not be described in words.  No matter how hard a bereaved parent tries to explain their grief, it is truly something one cannot understand unless they are, in fact, living it.  Grief is so much more than the words described in it's definition.  I have thought a lot about writing a post like this, but have always stopped myself because I truly feel that people are not prepared to know how ugly grief and being a bereaved parent is.  Being only about eleven months into this process, I am far from an expert, but I know now, what I did not know eleven months ago.  With each day, I have tried to stay positive and focus on my blessings, but it's been a hard week and I decided that it's okay to let people know the harsh truth.  So, with that said, this is not like most post of hope, but more of the dark side of grief.  I don't write these words as a cry for help or to alarm anyone, more to release so many thoughts in my mind and maybe paint a picture of what one parent goes though, day after day, after the passing of their beautiful child.  This is my grief....

Grief is waking up each morning, hoping that the passing of you child was just a horrible dream only to be reminded immediately that it is, in fact, very real

Grief is going to bed each night, hoping for a better tomorrow, only to know that the pain is still their and always will be 

Grief is shedding more tears than you ever knew were possible and it happening in the most unexpected moments 

Grief is not wanting to be alone because in those moments of being alone, it can be even darker

Grief is thinking about that dreadful day, every moment of every day, wishing that it wasn't true  

Grief is your heart breaking over and over again anytime you hear of another child passing, knowing the path the family who lost the child is about to embark on

Grief is meeting other bereaved mom's, so grateful that you know you are not alone, but so sad that they are a part of this ugly club

Grief is hearing your daughter say ten months later that she still remembers that night and ask, "Why did Jaylen have to get in the water?"

Grief is closing your eyes and reliving that night over and over again

Grief is not wanting to get out of bed, but know you have to 

Grief is knowing exactly how long it has been since your child passed, only to realize that most people have no idea.  Life goes on for everyone else, why we, as bereaved parents, wake up day in and day out, trying to survive one more day without a part of our heart and soul

Grief is missing your old self.  The life and person before will never be there again 

Grief is relating everything to "before" and "after" the accident

Grief is walking in a store with your husband and overhearing a toddler say "dad".  Looking at each other with they same thought, thinking that it came from the mouth of your angel child.  It sounding exactly like him 

Grief is going to the gym to hear the woman in front of you tell the worker that her son is turning 2 in five days.  Knowing that the child will probably make it to his second birthday, but maybe not.  Jaylen was turning 2 in a few days too...  

Grief is going to the swimming pool, hearing parents comment on how well my children swim.   Thinking, if they only knew what I have endured and why my children swim the way they do now  

Grief is going to the swimming pool because your children LOVE to swim, but have anxiety the entire time being there.  Not only making sure your own children are safe, but the many others, whose parents have no idea how quickly life can change

Grief is still having to deal with all of life's other day to day trials

Grief is looking at your beautiful child's pictures and ask, "am I really living this?" over and over, day after day...

Grief is seeing other babies, wondering if you will ever get the chance to love another baby

Grief is seeking to find answers, but in all reality won't ever have the answers until we are reunited

Grief is anytime you are out and see another child, close to the age of your child who passed, and a million thoughts come running through your mind.  What would Jaylen be doing now? Saying? Playing with? Favorite toy? To wonder so many things, along with staring at every little boy you see wishing that things were different 

Grief is letting your kids still live life, not let the tragedy ruin their childhood.  But have every fear in the world of something else happening to one of them.  Never thinking it could happen to you and now realizing that it so easily can 

Grief is knowing pain that you never knew existed and that the only cure is allowing time to heal.  With that though, the wound will always be there  

Grief is trying to move forward, but with moving forward, fiercely trying to keep my child's memory alive 

Grief is mommy guilt...not wanting to take any moment for granted, or yell at my kids, but it happens  

Grief is sleeping with your child's blanket every night since his passing, not wanting to wash it because it's one of the last things he touched 

Grief is not making dinners that your child loved because the memory of the last time you made it, he was here  

Grief is when people ask, how are you? and "okay" is the only thing to say because you, yourself, don't even know how you are. Or you do know how you are, but the person asking, isn't prepared for the truthful answer 

The list could go on and on.  There is so much to this process and no matter how much I write, there are no words that could describe what this "new" life is like.   I will not deny how truly blessed I am.  I have a wonderful support system.   So many loving friends and family by my side, but the truth is, it is still UGLY.  Grief is so ugly!  It is hard and I am exhausted!!  I saw a post on Facebook the other day of a father who lost his son.  He spoke of how he tries to be strong on most days, but for that one day, he was going to be sad.  It hit me hard because I truly believe so many of us living this "new" life try so hard to be strong.  People want to see that we are moving forward, living life, and not letting our loss take us down.  They don't want to know the ugly side of it so we put on our "mask" and let the world think we are okay.  I can't speak for all, but for myself, I'm not okay.  I buried my almost two year old son, long before he should have been.  I am the over-protective parent, the one always making sure my kids are safe.  This wasn't suppose to happen to me!  I don't believe this is something I would have signed up for, but for some reason it is a trial I am faced with.  I'm not okay, but I am surviving.  I am slowly trying to pick up the pieces that have been shattered, hoping that eventually they will piece back together.   The cracks will never be gone, but maybe together again.  I know I will never be whole again until we are all reunited, but until then, I am trying.  

August Already??

I sit today in disbelief that it is already August and summer is almost over.  In some ways I love that time is passing so quickly, but in other ways I wish it would stop.  One more day that passes, is one more day that I have been without Jaylen.  But with each passing day, it is one more day closer to seeing Jaylen again.  Oh, this battle with grief is so challenging.  Nothing is the same.  No matter how positive we try to be, there is always the "before the accident" and "after".  There are days I just wish I could escape that thought and let my mind and heart not feel.  Of course there are numb days in the mix of it all, but even with the numb moments, the thought of Jaylen is not out of my mind.  It is exhausting!!  I remember speaking with other grieving families early on in this process.  They all said that the months to come are what are hard.  In the beginning, you are living in such shock, and with shock brings confusion.  As the months go by, one by one,  the shock wears off, the confusion eases, and each day, is a new day, to adjust to.  Each day I wake up wishing the situation was different.  Each morning I wake up thinking that maybe it wasn't real, only to realize quickly that it is, in fact, very real.  With each new morning, your never know what the day will bring.  There are good days, but even on the good days, the thought of Jaylen is right there in the front of my mind.  I have often compared my grief to treading water.  It is extremely tiring, but if you give up, the outcome will not be good.  I am exhausted from feeling, thinking, wishing, missing my angel, but I still have so much to live for and that is what keeps me going.  Each morning I have hope for a good day, I seek to find ways to get through it positively and as I lay my head down each night, I hope for a better tomorrow.  

Just before leaving for camp

Ian had the opportunity to attend a grief camp last week.  I have felt so blessed for all of the resources that have been made available to us here in Texas.  I was not very happy with some of the staff at Cooks Children's Hospital the night of Jaylen's passing, but since then, they have been so good in providing services to help with our grief.  A camp called "Camp El Tesoro" is a week long camp for children ages 6-17.  All of the children attending the camp have lost someone very close to them.  There are licensed therapist at camp all week who work with the kids.  Mostly the camp is all about fun, but it is a place where kids can relate to one another and not feel alone.  It was a great experience for Ian.  As we were driving home, after being gone all week, we discussed how the week was.  You could tell he had a great time.  I was asking him about the other kids and his experience with them.  It was interesting to hear his response.  He looked at me and said, "Mom, you just never know what someone is going through.  I would ask someone their name.  Some would just tell me their name, while others would tell me their name, why they were there and who they had lost."  Ian isn't one for detail, but he realized that he is not alone.  He is such an amazing kid.  He misses his brother deeply, but his faith in knowing that we will all be together again is inspiring.  Some kids come to this earth and just get it.  They just have a clear understanding of what we are sent here to do, to learn and to grow.  I truly believe that Ian is one of those kids.  Of course, he is a kid and far from perfect, but he is wise beyond his years and has a strong love for Jesus and his Heavenly Father.  I'm so grateful for his example.  

Jaylen loved to stand and ride
the bike when we would go on walks.

It was pretty weird having Ian gone.  I have not had my kids away from me like that since before Jaylen's passing.  It was tough.  When my kids are in my presence, I feel like I have some control over what they are doing.  I have always been a very protective parent, trying to prevent anything bad from happening.  Which, I obviously have learned since losing Jaylen, that being protective doesn't always prevent tragedy.  We really are not in control and just have to trust in a greater plan.  Anyway, it was a big test on my part and the week was long without Ian home.  The first night that he was gone, Mike, Kaia, and I went on one of our regular walks.  It was quite different this time and a little emotional for me.  I couldn't help but to think back to a year before, going on one of our nightly walks, all five of us.  Who knew, a year later, that Jaylen would no longer be physically present, Ian would be at a grief camp and it would just be me, Mike, and Kaia on a walk.  It was another painful reminder of how quickly our lives can change.  There are constant reminders of what was and is no longer, but some moments sting a little more than others.  

March 2013, just weeks before our move to Texas

Kaia really struggled with Ian being gone as well.  I think she too realized how different life is.  Ian has been a good distraction for her the past few months.  She and Jaylen were so close, it took a long time for her to adjust to not having him to play with.  In that time, she and Ian don't necessarily "play" but I think they rely on one another's company.  With Ian being gone, I think she felt very alone again.  The first night that he was at camp, Kaia cried.  She cried because she missed Jaylen, which she has not done in a long time.  Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing the pain that my children feel with losing their brother.  With time, they have seemed to adjust and be "okay".  In those moments though, it is a strong reminder that they do still remember and hurt.  At times I have such guilt, knowing of what my children have had to endure at such a young age.  I feel that they are adjusting and responding to this trial in a positive way, but there are moments where I question and just hope that it will not have a negative impact on their life and future.  We talk about Jaylen freely in our home.  Crying is okay.  Feeling sad and missing him is normal.  With that though, I don't want them to be sad.  I want them to enjoy life.  As hard as it is for me at times, we have moved forward in trying to live a "normal" life and be grateful for all of the many blessings that we do have.  

I often find myself staring at other little boys, who look close to Jaylen's age, when we are out and about.  It is so bittersweet.  A smile is always on my face as I watch these sweet, innocent, little boys, living life.  But with that smile, tears always fill up in my eyes with thoughts of, "what would Jaylen be doing right now?"  "How tall would he be?"  "Would he still have to carry as many cars as he could every where we go?"  "Would he know how to swim by now?" and so on.  So many questions of what life would be like today if he were here.  Unfortunately, God had another plan for our family.  It is so hard.  The pain is deep.  The new life that we have been given is so exhausting, but we continue to trust and move forward.  I know Jaylen is very aware of us.  I know that he wants us happy.  As hard as it is at times, I am trying. I have come to realize that the pain and sorrow will never go away, but it will become more bearable with time.  I will never stop missing Jaylen.  I will always wonder what my life would be with him still here, but with that, I will continue to try and enjoy the life that I have.  I have so many things to be grateful for.

Angels in Heaven

The past ten months have definitely been some of the toughest months of my life.  Still today,  I wake up in disbelief of the reality that Jaylen isn't coming back.  Lately I have had so many dreams where Jaylen is here with us, only to wake up to the reality that he is not.  Many times while in those dreams, I don't want to wake up because I am aware of the reality, but I am still so grateful to have a little piece of my baby to hold onto at night in those dreams.  I like to think that is Jaylen's way of communicating with me and still being present in my life.  This new life is so hard.  After ten months, I am still trying to figure out how to adjust.  I have been so blessed to have amazing people come into my life because of this tragedy.  I hate the reasons behind our meeting one another, but I know there is no coincidence that I know each and every one of them.

Kayj Shumway

Laici was one of the first Mom's that reached out to me. She had lost her sweet Kayj, six months prior to Jaylen's tragedy.  What's interesting about Laici and the social media world that we live in now a days was when she lost Kayj, a mutual friend had posted something on Facebook asking for prayers for her family. I distinctly remember clicking on the link to Laici's page, staring at her beautiful family, looking at Kayj and my heart broke for her. A family that I had never met, but felt so sad for what they were going through.  Who knew that six months later, I would be that mom, that family, who lost their little boy and that the family I had seen a picture from six months before, would become a family so close to my heart now.

Through the same mutual friend, I was blessed to have Jenelle come into my life.  Jenelle lost her precious Brittany about ten months prior to me losing Jaylen.  Brittany was just shy of her fourteenth birthday and in the mix of hitting those fun, adventurous, teenage years.  She and her mom were building an everlasting bond that was cut short.  Brittany was growing into a beautiful young woman and with her passing, still continues to grow.  I have often thought that she is in heaven surrounded by all these beautiful angels, taking care of them until we can be with them again.

Brittany Lacy

Next I met Natalie, through Pinterest of all places.  Pinterest is not a place to actually "meet" people, but she commented on something I had pinned so I went to her page.  I couldn't help but feel a connection from the moment I heard of sweet Haylen.  Haylen passed away three months prior, to the day, of Jaylen.  This beautiful blond hair, blue eyed little girl just melted my heart when I saw her picture.  My heart broke again, knowing what this mom was going through and we started communicating.  Although I have not been fortunate to meet Natalie in person yet, we have become extremely close.  There is rarely a day that goes by that we do not converse.  Unfortunately, our stories are far too similar.  With that, I know that there is no coincidence in us becoming friends and having a close connection.

Haylen Lee

Along with meeting Natalie on Pinterest, I came across another mom, Kimberly, who lost her precious Weston.  The difference between Kimberly and all the other Mom's I have met, is that she is the only one who lost her child after I lost Jaylen.  Again, my heart broke when I heard her story, but this time, I was reaching out to her, letting her know that she is not alone.  That is one thing so difficult about this process, you feel so alone, but are far from it.  With that though, you wish you were the only one because this is not something that you would ever want someone else to go through.

Weston Robbins

Tausha came into the mix just a few months ago.  She was mutual friends with Jenelle and joined our group as another mother who "understands", unfortunately.  Tausha's son, Clark, passed away about ten months prior to me losing Jaylen also.  So she too is ahead in this so called "new life" that we have all had to adjust to.  She has since been blessed with another beautiful child, which has brought peace and comfort to her and her family's lives.

Clark Coates

I came across a blog of another mother, Andrae, who really touched me.  Andrae lost Miles about eleven months prior to me losing Jaylen.  I don't know how I came across her blog, but I know that there was no coincidence. Her words touched me to the very core.  Her insight on losing Miles is inspiring, although she is in pain, she can see the bigger picture.  She hurts deeply for the loss of her son, but believes in a greater plan.  By reading her words and coming into contact with her, she has helped me to continue to trust in a greater purpose and have faith.

Miles Kelly

Another mother who I have grown close to is Cherrie.  What's different about Cherrie is that she lost her sweet Kimberlee twenty-four years ago.  Not only do we share the common bond of losing a child, Kimberlee was born premature, just like Jaylen.  Learning of Kimberlee, it has reminded me of how fortunate I was to have Jaylen the two years that I did.  With how early he was born and how healthy he was, I do believe was a gift from God.  I watch Cherrie, her life twenty-four years later, and it gives me hope.  She is happy.  There are still days, all these years later, that are hard, but she has shown me that life does go on, that it can be good and full of happy memories.  Kimberlee has never been forgotten.  She has always been a big part of her family and continues to be.

Wyatt Dale

In my last post I mentioned Wyatt, a sweet three year old boy who was taken far too soon also.  His grandmother, Tracey, contacted me after losing Jaylen and we have since stayed in contact.  She has big plans to carry on these precious boys memory,  raising awareness for water safety and it's inspiring to watch the things she has put together.  It's been a blessing to be a part of her awareness and I hope to continue to help her in any way that I can.

I mention these women and angels because they have been such a huge blessing in my life.  Along with that, they are all amazing people.  Something we share in our loss too is that everyone of these children were taken tragically and unexpectedly.  I don't know that you can ever be prepared to lose a child, but with illness comes warning, which we did not have.  Another thing that we all share is a belief in God and that we have all tried to trust in his plan.  It may not make it easy, but it brings hope.  

Many people who have lost a child often feel as if they have done something wrong or are being punished by god, but that is so far from the truth.  These families that I have grown to love so much are all incredible families and none of them deserve to experience this kind of loss.  That is why I know this is not a punishment, but one more trial that so many are given in this life.  It has always been said that parents aren't suppose to bury a child, but what I am realizing is that not only does it happen, but it is far too common and not unusual.  Not only have I lost a child, my mom has lost one, both of my grandmother's have lost one (one who has since passed and been reunited) and my mother-in-law has lost two.  It's devastating to realize how common it actually is.  Living in a naive state of mind,  thinking it would never happen to me was such a blessing, but unfortunately living in that naive state does not save anyone from tragedy.  I am now realizing that it is truly a gift to get through this life without losing a child and I pray that my children here with me still, outlive me, although I know I am not saved from this type of loss to happen again.  I would hope that I have a hall pass from this point on, but I don't, so I truly try to cherish each day.  I make mistakes, I still lose my temper and yell at my kids periodically, but I'm trying to be a better mom and enjoy each little moment a little more.

A friend of mine asked innocently one day if I felt that a mother who only had her child for a few days or months versus a mother who raised her child to adulthood felt or should feel different than I did from losing Jaylen.  I thought it was a great question actually because I remember when I lost Jaylen, I thought about my mom.  She was trying so hard to console me and express how she understood.  I'm not proud to admit this now, but I was angry with her.  I didn't feel that she understood because she got to raise Brian to adulthood.  She got the toddler years, the hard teenage years, along with watching him be a father.  I thought that I was robbed of so much time that she was given with her son.  My mind has changed since those first moments of being angry with her.  Whether I lost Jaylen at two years of age or twenty, he is still my son and it wouldn't sting any less no matter the age.  

I have grown to love these women and have a huge amount of love for these precious angels too.  I strongly believe that their is no coincidence that they are all a part of my life.  I have no doubt that our children are all friends in heaven and I feel that our children had a hand in bringing them into my life.  Along with that, I feel their is a special spirit with each and every one of these children.  As you look at their pictures, you can feel it.  I know that I could not survive this tragedy with out the love and support from them.  As hard as it is to know what brought us all together, without them, I would be even more lost.  

This is a song that my brother wrote many years ago, prior to me having children, that I have always loved.  I often think of my angel mom friends every time I hear this song...

Paul Cardall - The Memory Lives On - YouTube

Making A Change

The past month has been a real roller coaster.  I sit here today in a numb stage, but the weeks before have been tough.  I feel as time moves on, the harder it is.  I think back to September and how different my life was.  Today though, I have become accustomed to my life now and because of that, it is one more reason this battle is so challenging.  I don't want to be accustom to life without Jaylen.  I miss getting up in the middle of the night. I miss cleaning up all the messes, spilled milk and cheeto hands all over my furniture.  I miss the laughter of my little boy.  I miss his little hands, full of cars, and his ten little toes. There is something about a babies feet that is just so cute and I miss rubbing his feet.  I miss his smile, his beautiful eyes that spoke so loudly.  I could go on and on about all that I miss, there are constant reminders of what was and will never be, but some how I get up each new day and face this challenge, seeking on how to learn and grow from this, rather than let it destroy me.  

Fourth of July was quite different this year.  I remember last year distinctly.  Mike and I had planned to take the kids to an event called "Fort Worth Fourth", but at the last minute Mike stayed home because we had a brisket on the smoker that we couldn't leave all day.  I ended up taking the kids by myself, along with one of our neighbor's child.  It was crazy!!  There were bounce houses, water games, face painting, and so on.  The thing that made it so crazy was that it was all free so there we tons and tons of people there.  Trying to keep track of four kids, all by myself, at an event like that was insane and by the time I got home that evening, I was grateful.  That night, we had sparklers for the kids and watched as the neighbors did fireworks.  It was the first year that we let Jaylen hold a sparkler (with assistance).  He loved it!!  Jaylen loved life! He brought excitement to everything we did, even though he was only a one year old little boy.  It's hard to explain, but to all that knew Jaylen, it's easy to understand.

This year for the fourth of July, Jaylen may have been absent physically, but his memory is being carried on.  I have been fortunate to have come into contact with an amazing woman, who lost her three year old grandson, Wyatt, in a drowning, a year ago today, actually. The day her grandson passed, her son, the father of Wyatt, said, "Mom, I don't want this to happen to another family."  Hearing her son say those words, she decided that she was going to make a change.  For the past year, she has been working hard on having life vest available to all children at local lakes.  Along with having life vest available to all children, she is also hoping to have scholarships available towards swim lessons for all children.  Eventually hoping that there will be life vest on every beach, coast to coast, along with swim lessons available for all.

I have felt so honored that this woman has wanted me a part of this process.  We had never met, but someone shared with her the story of my sweet Jaylen and she knew that we needed to meet.  This past Fourth of July, after being in contact for months, we were able to meet and embrace a long hug.  She is from a small town about 90 miles from where we live.  Each year in her town, they have a Fourth of July parade.  This year, she decided to do a float in honor of her grandson and Jaylen, on Water Safety Awareness.  Mike unfortunately had to work that day, but I  knew we did not want to miss out on this event so we headed to Graham, TX.  Two families, two tragedies, coming together to hopefully never have these little boys forgotten and maybe save a life by letting others know of our stories.  

After the parade, we headed to a local lake where life vest were handed out to all children.  It was really neat to watch the day unfold with these vest being available.  When we arrived at the lake, my kids immediately wanted to get in the water so I put the vest on them and walked with them to the water, keeping an eye on them.  As I sat on the shore line, I looked at all the children in the water, playing, without any sort of safety device on them.  It was nerve wrecking.  There were probably 70-80 people in the water and no more than ten of the kids in that water were using any sort of flotation device.  At that moment, I remembered a year prior, taking my kids to a local lake and letting them play in the water without any flotation device either.  I trusted that they knew their limits and I would not allow them to play in the water unless I was right there with them.  I was naive to how easily life can change, as I think so many parents are.  You always hear of the story, but never think that you will actually be the story.  Unfortunately, as I am living this nightmare, I am learning that it is not uncommon for a parent to lose a child.  It actually is far too common and if precautions are taken and made aware, hopefully we can at least prevent one family from living this same nightmare. 

Granbury Lake, July 2013

Slowly throughout the day, I watched as the life vest were put on all these children.  My heart went from feeling heavy to extremely full.  These children may never understand, but from a parent who has lost a child, I was touched at what was taking place.  I am amazed at what Tracey, Wyatt's grandma, has pulled together to make a change.  I am touched that she wants Jaylen's memory carried on and a part of all that she has done.  With each life vest that is handed out, we have put together a flyer, talking about water safety awareness and on the backside of it, Jaylen and Wyatt's stories are told.  All these life vest are free, because of generous donations, the only thing that is required when receiving the vest is that these children and parents hear the story of why we are doing this.  It was a very humbling day, but I left that evening with a happy heart.  It is tragic knowing what brought Tracey and I together, but I am so grateful to be a part of something so amazing.

Putting life vest on the children

 

From the day Jaylen was born, I knew my life would never be the same.  There was a spirit about him that is indescribable.  I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to be blessed to be "Jaylen's mom".  Although he is not in my arms today, he continues to live and good things are taking place because of him.  He has changed my life forever.  I am a better person because of him and as challenging as each day is for me, I am striving to be better with each new day.  I made that promise to be with him again and I will continue to better myself so I can be.