Empty Hand

Every morning I get to take Kaia to school and drop her off.  We park the car down the street from the school and walk a little ways so we aren't caught up in the traffic.  Each day as we get out of the car, Kaia reaches for my hand and we walk, hand in hand, until she reaches her school doors.   I look forward to that small moment each morning with Kaia.  Something that I know won't last forever, but cherish that for now, she wants to hold my hand.  

Most mornings it is hectic as we get to the school because so many parents are dropping their kids off.  As I watch these parents, a lot of them have their younger children with them as well.  It makes me wish Jaylen could be there with me to send Kaia off each day.  One morning, like most, I walked Kaia to the school doors and started heading back to my car.  As I looked up, there was a mom in front of me, walking hand in hand with her toddler.  The little girl couldn't have been more than two.  At that moment, emotions filled my entire body as I tried to hold back the tears.  My hand never felt so empty.   The moment I got to my car, I lost it.  I hadn't had a good cry in awhile and I let it out.  Those are the moments that are so hard.  The unexpected flood of emotions.  Waking up to a decent day, just to be reminded once again that my baby is gone.  I will never get to hold his hand again in this life.  I will never get to walk him across the street to school.  The last time I held Jaylen's hand, he had already slipped into the next life.   

There are so many moments in life that are taken for granted.  Before losing Jaylen, holding my child's hand did not mean the same.  Of course I still enjoyed it, but it was something I took for granted.  Now, each time Kaia reaches for my hand, I squeeze a little tighter and hold on to the moment.  It is something that I look forward to.  It's amazing to realize all the simple things that are taken for granted.  I'm guilty of it myself, even today, but I am more aware of what is important.  Most are more considerate of complete strangers than they are their own family members.  We take for granted the things closest to us because we think they will always be there.  When in reality, family is everything and life can change in an instant.

One thing I can tell you about grief is that it teaches you to love a little harder.  The small, simple moments are big moments now.  Kaia reaching for my hand, warms my soul.  Ian giving me a hug, makes my heart a little fuller.  I'm still so new to this process, but in a way, I feel as if I have learned so much.  It is a lesson I never wanted to learn, but I'm here so I'm trying to figure it out.  I think back to a year ago, life was so clouded.  The sun was shining bright most days, but all I saw was gray.  I'd wake up each morning wondering how was I going to survive another day?  There are still mornings where I wake up feeling that way.  There is still a lot of gray, but I can slowly see pockets of sunlight coming through now.  Life will never be the same.  I will miss Jaylen until I am reunited with him, but he has taught me more in my life than I could have ever imagined.  I would never trade the two short years that I got with him.  I feel lucky that I got the time that I did.  It has made me realize that truly, this life here on earth, is only a stopping point to eternity.  I know Jaylen lives.  I know my brother Brian lives and I know Jesus lives.  I'm not ready for that next step yet, but I do look forward to the day that we are all reunited.