Angels in Heaven

The past ten months have definitely been some of the toughest months of my life.  Still today,  I wake up in disbelief of the reality that Jaylen isn't coming back.  Lately I have had so many dreams where Jaylen is here with us, only to wake up to the reality that he is not.  Many times while in those dreams, I don't want to wake up because I am aware of the reality, but I am still so grateful to have a little piece of my baby to hold onto at night in those dreams.  I like to think that is Jaylen's way of communicating with me and still being present in my life.  This new life is so hard.  After ten months, I am still trying to figure out how to adjust.  I have been so blessed to have amazing people come into my life because of this tragedy.  I hate the reasons behind our meeting one another, but I know there is no coincidence that I know each and every one of them.

Kayj Shumway

Laici was one of the first Mom's that reached out to me. She had lost her sweet Kayj, six months prior to Jaylen's tragedy.  What's interesting about Laici and the social media world that we live in now a days was when she lost Kayj, a mutual friend had posted something on Facebook asking for prayers for her family. I distinctly remember clicking on the link to Laici's page, staring at her beautiful family, looking at Kayj and my heart broke for her. A family that I had never met, but felt so sad for what they were going through.  Who knew that six months later, I would be that mom, that family, who lost their little boy and that the family I had seen a picture from six months before, would become a family so close to my heart now.

Through the same mutual friend, I was blessed to have Jenelle come into my life.  Jenelle lost her precious Brittany about ten months prior to me losing Jaylen.  Brittany was just shy of her fourteenth birthday and in the mix of hitting those fun, adventurous, teenage years.  She and her mom were building an everlasting bond that was cut short.  Brittany was growing into a beautiful young woman and with her passing, still continues to grow.  I have often thought that she is in heaven surrounded by all these beautiful angels, taking care of them until we can be with them again.

Brittany Lacy

Next I met Natalie, through Pinterest of all places.  Pinterest is not a place to actually "meet" people, but she commented on something I had pinned so I went to her page.  I couldn't help but feel a connection from the moment I heard of sweet Haylen.  Haylen passed away three months prior, to the day, of Jaylen.  This beautiful blond hair, blue eyed little girl just melted my heart when I saw her picture.  My heart broke again, knowing what this mom was going through and we started communicating.  Although I have not been fortunate to meet Natalie in person yet, we have become extremely close.  There is rarely a day that goes by that we do not converse.  Unfortunately, our stories are far too similar.  With that, I know that there is no coincidence in us becoming friends and having a close connection.

Haylen Lee

Along with meeting Natalie on Pinterest, I came across another mom, Kimberly, who lost her precious Weston.  The difference between Kimberly and all the other Mom's I have met, is that she is the only one who lost her child after I lost Jaylen.  Again, my heart broke when I heard her story, but this time, I was reaching out to her, letting her know that she is not alone.  That is one thing so difficult about this process, you feel so alone, but are far from it.  With that though, you wish you were the only one because this is not something that you would ever want someone else to go through.

Weston Robbins

Tausha came into the mix just a few months ago.  She was mutual friends with Jenelle and joined our group as another mother who "understands", unfortunately.  Tausha's son, Clark, passed away about ten months prior to me losing Jaylen also.  So she too is ahead in this so called "new life" that we have all had to adjust to.  She has since been blessed with another beautiful child, which has brought peace and comfort to her and her family's lives.

Clark Coates

I came across a blog of another mother, Andrae, who really touched me.  Andrae lost Miles about eleven months prior to me losing Jaylen.  I don't know how I came across her blog, but I know that there was no coincidence. Her words touched me to the very core.  Her insight on losing Miles is inspiring, although she is in pain, she can see the bigger picture.  She hurts deeply for the loss of her son, but believes in a greater plan.  By reading her words and coming into contact with her, she has helped me to continue to trust in a greater purpose and have faith.

Miles Kelly

Another mother who I have grown close to is Cherrie.  What's different about Cherrie is that she lost her sweet Kimberlee twenty-four years ago.  Not only do we share the common bond of losing a child, Kimberlee was born premature, just like Jaylen.  Learning of Kimberlee, it has reminded me of how fortunate I was to have Jaylen the two years that I did.  With how early he was born and how healthy he was, I do believe was a gift from God.  I watch Cherrie, her life twenty-four years later, and it gives me hope.  She is happy.  There are still days, all these years later, that are hard, but she has shown me that life does go on, that it can be good and full of happy memories.  Kimberlee has never been forgotten.  She has always been a big part of her family and continues to be.

Wyatt Dale

In my last post I mentioned Wyatt, a sweet three year old boy who was taken far too soon also.  His grandmother, Tracey, contacted me after losing Jaylen and we have since stayed in contact.  She has big plans to carry on these precious boys memory,  raising awareness for water safety and it's inspiring to watch the things she has put together.  It's been a blessing to be a part of her awareness and I hope to continue to help her in any way that I can.

I mention these women and angels because they have been such a huge blessing in my life.  Along with that, they are all amazing people.  Something we share in our loss too is that everyone of these children were taken tragically and unexpectedly.  I don't know that you can ever be prepared to lose a child, but with illness comes warning, which we did not have.  Another thing that we all share is a belief in God and that we have all tried to trust in his plan.  It may not make it easy, but it brings hope.  

Many people who have lost a child often feel as if they have done something wrong or are being punished by god, but that is so far from the truth.  These families that I have grown to love so much are all incredible families and none of them deserve to experience this kind of loss.  That is why I know this is not a punishment, but one more trial that so many are given in this life.  It has always been said that parents aren't suppose to bury a child, but what I am realizing is that not only does it happen, but it is far too common and not unusual.  Not only have I lost a child, my mom has lost one, both of my grandmother's have lost one (one who has since passed and been reunited) and my mother-in-law has lost two.  It's devastating to realize how common it actually is.  Living in a naive state of mind,  thinking it would never happen to me was such a blessing, but unfortunately living in that naive state does not save anyone from tragedy.  I am now realizing that it is truly a gift to get through this life without losing a child and I pray that my children here with me still, outlive me, although I know I am not saved from this type of loss to happen again.  I would hope that I have a hall pass from this point on, but I don't, so I truly try to cherish each day.  I make mistakes, I still lose my temper and yell at my kids periodically, but I'm trying to be a better mom and enjoy each little moment a little more.

A friend of mine asked innocently one day if I felt that a mother who only had her child for a few days or months versus a mother who raised her child to adulthood felt or should feel different than I did from losing Jaylen.  I thought it was a great question actually because I remember when I lost Jaylen, I thought about my mom.  She was trying so hard to console me and express how she understood.  I'm not proud to admit this now, but I was angry with her.  I didn't feel that she understood because she got to raise Brian to adulthood.  She got the toddler years, the hard teenage years, along with watching him be a father.  I thought that I was robbed of so much time that she was given with her son.  My mind has changed since those first moments of being angry with her.  Whether I lost Jaylen at two years of age or twenty, he is still my son and it wouldn't sting any less no matter the age.  

I have grown to love these women and have a huge amount of love for these precious angels too.  I strongly believe that their is no coincidence that they are all a part of my life.  I have no doubt that our children are all friends in heaven and I feel that our children had a hand in bringing them into my life.  Along with that, I feel their is a special spirit with each and every one of these children.  As you look at their pictures, you can feel it.  I know that I could not survive this tragedy with out the love and support from them.  As hard as it is to know what brought us all together, without them, I would be even more lost.  

This is a song that my brother wrote many years ago, prior to me having children, that I have always loved.  I often think of my angel mom friends every time I hear this song...

Paul Cardall - The Memory Lives On - YouTube