I sit today in disbelief that it is already August and summer is almost over. In some ways I love that time is passing so quickly, but in other ways I wish it would stop. One more day that passes, is one more day that I have been without Jaylen. But with each passing day, it is one more day closer to seeing Jaylen again. Oh, this battle with grief is so challenging. Nothing is the same. No matter how positive we try to be, there is always the "before the accident" and "after". There are days I just wish I could escape that thought and let my mind and heart not feel. Of course there are numb days in the mix of it all, but even with the numb moments, the thought of Jaylen is not out of my mind. It is exhausting!! I remember speaking with other grieving families early on in this process. They all said that the months to come are what are hard. In the beginning, you are living in such shock, and with shock brings confusion. As the months go by, one by one, the shock wears off, the confusion eases, and each day, is a new day, to adjust to. Each day I wake up wishing the situation was different. Each morning I wake up thinking that maybe it wasn't real, only to realize quickly that it is, in fact, very real. With each new morning, your never know what the day will bring. There are good days, but even on the good days, the thought of Jaylen is right there in the front of my mind. I have often compared my grief to treading water. It is extremely tiring, but if you give up, the outcome will not be good. I am exhausted from feeling, thinking, wishing, missing my angel, but I still have so much to live for and that is what keeps me going. Each morning I have hope for a good day, I seek to find ways to get through it positively and as I lay my head down each night, I hope for a better tomorrow.
Just before leaving for camp |
Jaylen loved to stand and ride the bike when we would go on walks. |
March 2013, just weeks before our move to Texas |
I often find myself staring at other little boys, who look close to Jaylen's age, when we are out and about. It is so bittersweet. A smile is always on my face as I watch these sweet, innocent, little boys, living life. But with that smile, tears always fill up in my eyes with thoughts of, "what would Jaylen be doing right now?" "How tall would he be?" "Would he still have to carry as many cars as he could every where we go?" "Would he know how to swim by now?" and so on. So many questions of what life would be like today if he were here. Unfortunately, God had another plan for our family. It is so hard. The pain is deep. The new life that we have been given is so exhausting, but we continue to trust and move forward. I know Jaylen is very aware of us. I know that he wants us happy. As hard as it is at times, I am trying. I have come to realize that the pain and sorrow will never go away, but it will become more bearable with time. I will never stop missing Jaylen. I will always wonder what my life would be with him still here, but with that, I will continue to try and enjoy the life that I have. I have so many things to be grateful for.
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