Back to School

Family "back to school" activity
Texas Rangers game

Normally back to school is an exciting time, seeing the kids progress each year and starting a new chapter in their lives.  This year was a little different for me though.  As happy as I am that Ian is advancing to the sixth grade and Kaia is starting Kindergarten, there is a sadness within me too.  It's a bittersweet moment.  A year ago, I would have looked at this upcoming year as something to look forward to.  Kaia would be starting her first year in a "big" school as she would say.  She is no longer a little girl, but simply "growing up" as she put it to me bluntly the other day.  And yes, she definitely is growing up, which I am grateful to be able to watch and appreciate every day that I get with her, but I was not prepared to have an empty house without children in my care.

First day of 6th grade

 

I am a working mother, but have been blessed to be able to work from home.  Even though I do work from home, I still had to find care for my kids while working.  Not a big deal though because since I am at home, I spent less time in the car traveling, taking the kids across town, to and from daycare, along with traveling to and from my office.  It was a HUGE blessing when we moved to Texas and was able to have that opportunity.  I have had more time with my kids and I had a lot more time spent with Jaylen, which I would not have had otherwise.   Last year Kaia and Jaylen were attending the same preschool/daycare.  Kaia enjoyed school but Jaylen HATED being left there.  I couldn't help but reminisce this past Monday when I took Kaia to her first day of Kindergarten and think back to a year ago.  Jaylen clung to me every time we walked into that daycare, knowing that I was about to leave him for eight hours.  It tore me up inside EVERY time.  It was absolutely my least favorite part of the day, I actually dreaded it.  I would have given anything to not have to leave him there, but I knew that once I was out of his sight, he was fine.  The highlight of the day was going back to pick him up.  They have windows at the daycare where you can look into the classroom and see what the children are doing.  Most days when I would go and pick him up, I would watch through the window for a minute, waiting for him to realize that I was there.  The expression on his face, when he would notice me, was priceless.  The excitement that would come over him melted my heart because he was so excited to see me.  Once he saw me, I would head to the door and watch him run towards the door on the other side.  As I opened it, every time, he would just run in my arms, screaming "Mommy!!" so grateful to see me.  I don't know why that memory flooded my mind on Monday, but it did and I was sad.

First day of Kindergarten

I realized that I would never get to experience a day like that again.  A day that he would cling to me, not wanting to let him go.  I will never get a first day of Preschool with Jaylen, a first day of Kindergarten, a first day of Middle School, and so on.  I wasn't prepared a year ago to have all my children in school full time at this point in my life.  I thought I had more time, more time with one baby still at home with me.  More time to prepare for sending Jaylen off to so many "first" in his life.  Instead, I sent Jaylen off to a much different place, one that I was not prepared for.  I often ponder all the things that he is learning and doing now.  I'm sure that he is having many first that I am not able to be there for.

Most have seen the ALS ice bucket challenge going around on Facebook.  It has been so fun to watch as awareness has been made for this horrible disease.  I really didn't know much about it until this challenge started and we were challenged.  It was a good opportunity to be educated, along with educating my kids.  Kaia and Ian have loved watching all the videos come through.  Because of that challenge, many other type of challenges have been started.  As I logged onto Facebook this morning, I noticed that my sister in law had challenged me, and others, a new challenge.  To share what Jesus means to me.  I was a little surprised and thought about it for a moment.  A year ago, I probably would have been offended that she would call me out like that, but I know without Jesus, I would not be surviving this tragedy today.  The only peace and comfort that I have felt this past year is when I am trying to build my relationship with him.  I have learned so much in this past year, about Jesus, that has brought comfort.  There are still many days of darkness, but I cling to those moments of peace and clarity.  I have never prayed in my life like I have in this past year.  I am ashamed to say that it took losing my son to pour my heart out to God, but I'm grateful to know that he does not judge us and loves us unconditionally.

My parents are half way across the world right now serving a mission for their church in London.  I miss them deeply, but with technology these days we are able to FaceTime frequently.  The other day I was struggling and needed some comfort so I called them.  For that moment, I was their little girl again trying to find her way in this big world of mess.  My dad shared a scripture with me, "My son (he said daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.  And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes" D&C 121:7-8.   I'm grateful for having parents to help me through this trial and all other trials I have faced in life.  They are great examples to me and my family.  This life hard, it's messy and it's not because of this one trial, but for the trials that we all face daily.  I know that one day in the future though, I will have that moment once again with my precious Jaylen.  That moment where we meet eye to eye and he runs into my arms, yelling, "mommy!" 

I will hold you in my arms again, my angel!!