Time Keeps Going

Too Cute!!!

I woke up this morning early.  I'm not sure if it was because Kaia kept elbowing me in my back or what, but the moment I wake, my mind goes straight to Jaylen.  It is always on Jaylen, but when the house is quiet and dark, it goes to the thoughts that I don't like so I decided to get up and write.  The past week has been a pretty decent one.  I have been able to function in a decent manner which is nice, but it is still not easy.  Never in my life have I wanted so badly to just feel normal again.  I so badly wish I could wake up with no pain, look forward to the day, have my mind relax for just one minute, but it has been just over two months since the accident.  I know that it is going take a lot longer than that and my normal will never be what it was.  

Mike and I were able to spend a night together this weekend.  We had originally planned a night away, but just didn't feel like going too far.  My sister had planned on taking Ian and Kaia over night originally and they were really looking forward to it so they went anyway.  I have always looked forward to a little time with just Mike and I.  Life is busy with three kids and it's nice to have the time together, but it was a lot different this time.  I still enjoyed the time, but it was too quiet.  Our house is already too quiet without Jaylen, then to have Ian and Kaia not here either, it was just too empty.  We were able to get most our Christmas shopping done which was nice, but I sure did miss my kids more that I normally would for being gone just one night.  They had a great time though and I wouldn't want it any other way.   

Christmas 2011

A lot of people have asked me lately how I am doing now that the holidays are approaching and I can honestly say that I don't think it makes a difference.  I don't think my day will be any different today then how I will feel tomorrow on Thanksgiving, or even in a month on Christmas.  The pain is still there, Jaylen is not coming home.  The heartbreak doesn't get stronger on holidays, I miss him every single minute, and it will be that way whether it's a holiday or not.  The void is there regardless.  It makes me sad that he only was able to celebrate two Thanksgivings and two Christmases with us, but it makes me sad that I don't get to have Monday of next week with him either.  That is why I have to focus on making these holidays positive, finding something positive to do.  I hope to be able to help others this holiday season, even if it's something small.  I need a purpose now and there is nothing better that helping others.

We went to The Warm Place last week and the kids really enjoyed it.  I think it will be a very positive thing, but it was a challenging day.  They needed to know about the accident and how we were doing so far.  Any time that we have to relive that night, it puts us in a very dark place.  Mike and I really struggled the whole day after we left.  I know it is good to talk about and some day I think we will be able to go there, but at this point, it is just so painful still.  I have to block it out, if I don't,  it is unbearable.  The memories are way too vivid and they aren't good ones. There was so much hope that night that was shattered.  Kaia and Ian both have come into my room this week, crying, telling me that they miss Jaylen.  Nothing breaks my heart more that seeing my kids crying for their little brother.  Most times, I just cry with them and let them know that it's okay.  That he is here watching over us and we will be with him again.  So, I hope that with time and going to The Warm Place, we will all be in a better place.  

Silly faces

Last night was tumbling for the kids, which they are really enjoying.  Afterwards we took them to Peter Piper Pizza to have a little fun.  I have only been there once since we have lived here, it was for Kaia's birthday and Jaylen was with us.  It's hard to have those memories of something he was with us doing the last time.  There are a lot of last times and it just sucks, point blank!  We then came home and watched a movie.  As we were watching the movie, I started taking pictures with Kaia as she was making funny faces.  Then I had Ian get in some with us.  As I looked at the pictures after, I couldn't help but see the big void in it.  Jaylen should be in it with us, but he is not.  I still don't understand, I don't know that I will until I am with him again, but I do know that he is something amazing.  Too good for this evil world and I know he is watching closely over us here.  He wants his family happy and he is making sure we will be.

Missing one

Dreaded Mail

Such a cool little dude

I think I'm back to that numb stage.  I woke up yesterday in a mood of no feeling.  It's the feeling again of where I am here physically, but not aware of all that is going on around me.  I compare it to a bunch of scribbles on paper,  that is what my mind and head are feeling and saying.  There really are so many waves of emotions that come with this process.  

Mike and I this summer

When I got done with work yesterday, I asked Mike if he wanted to go on a walk.  The weather has been beautiful and I like taking advantage of it.  The kids were with friends playing so it was just Mike and I .  I really enjoy those moments where he and I can just walk and enjoy the peacefulness of being outside together.  We are able to talk about so many things and I'm just so grateful for the relationship that I have with him.  Experiencing something like this as parents, to our child, is unreal.  We still talk in disbelief and confusion.  There are still many days where we just stare into space, lost, but we are still waking up each day and going forward as much as we can.

When we got home from our walk, I grabbed the mail out of the mailbox.  We had received a large envelope from the mortuary.   Mike and I looked at each other, wondering what it could be.  Anytime we have received any type of mail that relates to the accident, Mike and I are hesitant to open it because it is a reminder of what happened.  I debated if I should open this envelope, but my curiosity got the best of me.  It was definitely not what I was expecting.  I didn't even have to pull the information out to know what it was.  I looked in there and knew that it was Jaylen's death certificate.  That was a horrible feeling to have that in my hands.  I think I still block a lot of the events out of my mind because if I don't, my days are worse.  Yesterday was a huge reality check, a punch in the stomach.  As parents, I think we all look forward to getting our child's birth certificate after they are born, but never anticipate seeing their death certificate.  Of all the certificates our children can earn in their lifetime, this is one that no parent should see.  It is the most uneasy feeling.  After I saw what it was, I  left it in the envelope, put it where I don't have to look at it, and let the tears flow.  

The loves of my life!

I have really tried to control when I show my emotion around my other kids.  I am very open about how it is okay to be sad and miss Jaylen.  If I cry, I express that it is okay as well, but I don't want them to see me crying as much as I do.  I feel that it's good for my children to understand emotion and that it isn't always bad to cry, but I also don't want them to grow up remembering that their mom was sad all the time.  When ever they cry about Jaylen, I let them express it all they want.  I don't ever want to teach them to hold it in, but I do feel that at times I need to control my emotions around them.  I don't cry all the time, but I have moments and a lot of times in those moments, I will excuse myself so they don't have to see it.  

Best Friends

There is a non-profit place in Fort Worth that is for families who have lost a close loved one.  It's called The Warm Place and we are taking our family there tomorrow.  I am really looking forward to it.  It is mainly for children who have lost someone close.  It's a place that they can interact with other children their age going through similar things.  Since the accident I have noticed the most change in Kaia and I'm hoping that this can help her.  At times I am at a loss on how to help her express her feelings, but I hear they do a play therapy with the children and I hope that it will help her.   Along with helping the kids, it has all the families gather monthly who are in our similar situation.  I'm looking forward to having that interaction.  I have already built a strong bond with a couple of other mom's who have lost a child also and it has been a saving grace for me.  These other mom's have helped me so much so I'm hoping that going to The Warm Place will be positive for not only my kids, but our whole family.

The Wave of Storms

This past week has been an interesting one.  I had some very positive days, but I know I can't get too comfortable with the positive days because I know more hard ones are to come. We had a good weekend, keeping busy.  Saturday night we had some friends come over for cards, which is nice and helps keep our minds off of the pain.  Then I got up early for church Sunday.  We have been attending my sisters church, which is about 35 minutes away and it starts at 8:30 in the morning.  I am not a morning person.  Having kids has helped me to become better, but I still struggle to get going in the mornings, especially now with trying to adjust without Jaylen.  Anyway, we made it to church and it has been an up and down battle there.  I know Satan is working hard on me because he wants me discouraged and sad.  He does not want me to overcome this heartbreak and he wants me mad at God.  I have never once been mad at God, but there are times that I get discouraged though because I want answers and can be impatient.  I did have a positive day at church though and people have been so nice to us.  After church, my kids always want to go to my sisters house to play with cousins so we went and spent a little time over there after.  I have really enjoyed living close to my sister again.  She has lived in Texas 11 years now so I wouldn't get to see her much except when she would visit, which was maybe twice a year.  Since moving here, we have been able to spent quite a bit of time together and I have really enjoyed it.  She and her husband have been a great support to Mike and I, along with all of their friends.

My sister Rebecca and I after Jaylen's funeral

As I woke up Monday my mood had changed from feeling hopeful and positive to missing Jaylen so much.  It is crazy how the emotions are so up and down and come in waves.  Those days that I feel positive, I have the attitude that I'm going to be fine, we are going to get through this (which I know we will), but on those other days, it's hard to get through each minute.  Since all of this has happened, I have not slept well.  I am getting sleep and not relying on the sleeping pills anymore, but I can tell I'm stressed in my sleep and don't sleep soundly.  The past two nights I have had some crazy dreams too.  I wish they were dreams of Jaylen coming to me, but they are more of me trying to get to him and can't.  It's amazing how dreams can be so parallel to what you are going through in your daily life at the time.  Even when I am asleep, I can tell that Jaylen is still on my mind constantly.  I don't think there is a second in the day that goes by where I don't think about him and question if I am really living this nightmare?  But it's like GroundHog Day, I wake up each day and relive another day without him.

As we have entered into November and the holiday season, I have tried to focus on the blessings I do have and the things I can be grateful for.  Despite this tragedy, I still have so much to be thankful for.  I have two amazing parents, who have been together 46 years and still are so in love.  They are a huge example to me and have been amazing parents to their eight children and grandparents to their 26 grandchildren.  I have siblings, who throughout our lives have had our differences, but when it comes down to it, I know that we are there for one another no matter what.  I have more recently gotten to know Mike's family better and feel fortunate to call them my family also.  I still have two healthy children here with me who brighten my days, even in these dark times.  I have a husband, who through our years and our struggles, has stuck by my side and vice versa.  He is an amazing father and loves me very much.  I work for an amazing company who has been more than understanding while I learn to adjust to my new life.  I have a warm house, food on the table, clothes to wear everyday, friends that check in on me constantly, etc. the list could go on and on.  Even in this horrific time in my life, I can still see all the blessings I have and I know God is carrying me through this.

My Family after Jaylen's funeral

 I walked in Walmart with Kaia last night to grab a few groceries.  As I walked in, they had already put out all their Christmas items.  As we start walking towards where we needed to go, they had display after display of toys that I would want to get Jaylen.  I see these things and I have to look away.  I know as we get closer to the holidays, it will be hard to see these things every where we go.  It's already hard just to be out, but with reminders that the holidays are approaching and Jaylen won't be here to celebrate with us will be a challenge.  I try not to let those things get me down and I really want to focus on the true meaning of Christmas this year.  I've never truly focused on the true meaning, but I hope I can help to serve more this Christmas and teach my kids more about the true meaning as well.  I know that I have a lot of hard times ahead, the good and bad days come in waves, but I know with bad days, good days will come too.

Better Days

The past few days have been a little better.  There still is not a day that goes by where I don't shed tears, but I haven't had the unbearable moments that I experienced last week.  I feel in some ways that I have been blessed to block a lot of it out of my mind this week.  I've noticed that if I don't allow my mind to start thinking too deeply, I am okay.  Most the tears shed now are because of how much I miss him.  The other day I was struggling because the longer it goes, the more I feel that I dreamt Jaylen was here.  His time was so short with us, but we have all the pictures and memories to remind us that he was with us and that I didn't dream it.  To help me feel a little better, I woke up this morning and started writing down all my memories of Jaylen.  Before I knew it, I had two pages full. I also decided to ask my kids to tell me their memories.  It was so sweet and I know that in years to come, we will love going back and read everything.  He is such a light to our family.

Kara and her daughter Mia

Over the years I have built some great friendships and through this tragedy it has really strengthened some.  I have a friend who does not go a day without checking in on me.  She has a busy life, she's a working mother and wife, but still does not forget about what I am going through daily.  Along with not only checking on me, she has been to visit Jaylen's grave probably four or five times.  Every time she goes, she will send me a picture.  She and her five year old daughter take a car every time and read him a story.  Even though she has a lot going on, she still takes out time to check in on my little boy because she knows it's important to me and I can't be there to do it.  Kara, I love you and am so grateful for your friendship!!  

We were able to pick out Jaylen's headstone before we came back to Texas after the funeral.  The reason we did it so quickly was because there are certain times of the year that the stone can be set.  In Utah, I think it has to be done by the end of October.  My brother passed away four years ago.  He had a temporary stone set until a permanent stone had been picked out.  With everything that went on after my brother's incident, it took a while to get the headstone done, but his wife finally found the one she loved and coincidentally it was ready to be set right after Jaylen's accident.  We were able to put together the perfect headstone for Jaylen and it was able to be set the same day as my brother's.  It turned out perfect.  As hard as it was picking out the headstone, I'm grateful that we were able to have it done before the snow fell.  There is nothing worse than sitting in a stone store designing your two year old's headstone, but for the mindset we were in, I think we picked a pretty good one.  

My mom leaving balloons for Jaylen and Brian

 I'm not a huge fan of the cemetery.  When my brother passed away, I always felt him close while on a run.  I feel the same with Jaylen.  I'm so grateful that I have friends and family that will visit him.  I plan to every time I am in Utah, but I don't think of Jaylen there.  I feel his spirit here with us.  I know that is the resting place for his physical body, but his spirit still lives and he is close.  I talk to him every time I am on a run and I feel him with me. 

On one of our walks this summer

We went on a walk as a family the other night for the first time since the accident.  It was something that I have wanted to do, but wasn't sure if I was ready to.  We did it all the time before the accident and it was something we looked forward to doing all together.   Many times Jaylen would insist on riding his power wheel for the start of it, but half way through we would be carrying it and he would be in and out of the stroller as he would explore all around him.  I was nervous to start walking again, there are so many great memories of us doing it this summer and I feared the feelings that I would have going without him.  It definitely was different, but I was still able to enjoy it.  I knew he was missing.  I wished he was right there with us, but I'm grateful that we were able to take that step and do something that we used to.  All that we do now is different, there is a void, but we are learning to adjust.  I still struggle every day, but I feel that we, as a family, are surviving this tragedy and not letting it get the best of us.  I still struggle looking at the pictures, I have not been able to watch any videos, but we are taking those baby steps to move towards our new normal.  I'm hopeful and I'm grateful that I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. 

Dark Days

This past week has been an interesting one.  It started out pretty good, but as my parents left and we celebrated Halloween, it turned into a very dark week.  I think it has actually been one of the darkest since this has all happened.  I know that is part of the whole process, but the dark days are scary.  I live in each moment, trying to figure out how I'm going to make it to the next.  I've been fortunate to meet some other mom's who have lost children this past year as well.  It makes me sad to think of the reason I have met these amazing women, but they have been so helpful to me.  One night I was really struggling and didn't know where to turn.  I don't like to always go to Mike because he is struggling in his own way and with family and friends, they can be there, but don't fully understand the feelings that I'm experiencing.  Anyway, I decided to send a message to one of these mom's that night and she immediately responded, concerned, and was so ready to help me in any way that she could.  It amazed me that even though she is grieving for the loss of her baby boy, she was still there to do what ever she could to help me through that moment.  Both of these mother's that I have been talking with live in Utah, so I have yet to meet them face to face, but already feel a real connection to them.

There is just something about a mother losing her child.  We feel a connection with the baby once we find out we are pregnant.  Nine months before even meeting the child, there is a bond that is formed that is unbreakable.  Then the moment that child is layed on our chest after it's first breath, it's a love that can never be reversed.  I have so much love for all of my children.  I have tried to create a bond with each one of them individually and with Jaylen's passing, I am grateful that I was able to connect with him so deeply in those short two years.  There are days that I miss him so much that I just don't know how I'm going to go on another day.  I described to one of my friends that on most days, the simplest of tasks feel like I have an extra thousand pounds on my body as I try to complete them.  There are days I feel like I can't do one simple thing, getting dressed is an accomplishment.  Then, there are other days that I can get a lot done.  I told Mike that I need to take advantage of those days because there aren't too many of them.

 Halloween was a struggle.  I was doing okay for most the day, until it came time to get the kids ready to trick or treat.  We had a few extra pumpkins that had not been carved and Kaia kept begging me to help her carve them.  I really didn't want to and time was short, but I decided we would.  As I was helping her all I could think about was that I will never have the opportunity to carve a pumpkin with Jaylen.  He was too young last year to do it.   After we finished carving the pumpkin, we got ready to trick or treat.  Mike stayed home to hand out candy, so I took the kids out.  As I would walk from house to house, I would see other children that looked close to Jaylen's age and it was just sad.  Again, Jaylen was too young to understand what trick or treating was last year, but I know that he would have been loving it this year.  As I looked at these other parents with their young children, I just kept thinking to myself, "do they know how lucky they are?"  I would also ask myself, "why do they get to have their two year old and I don't?"  I know I shouldn't ask why, but it's hard not to.

I still fully believe that God does not take anyone before their time, but it's hard to accept that Jaylen's time was a short two years.  I'm at peace with his passing, but it doesn't mean that I'm okay with it.  Kaia and I went grocery shopping yesterday (another task that takes everything in me to do these days) and as we were pulling into the parking lot she says to me, "Mom, I wish that Jaylen just could have kept his wet pants on and we could've just put him in his bed after and he be okay."  I said, "Me too, Kaia, me too", but the reality is, that was not the plan for our sweet boy.  He was sent to us to teach us something.  I'm still trying to figure out all that it is and I'm not sure if I will ever fully understand, but I would take those two years over again in a heartbeat, knowing that he would be taken from me again.  He has changed my life forever.