18 Months...Really??!

Recently I have had trouble sleeping.  This past week I have woken up almost every morning around 4am, unable to go back to sleep.  I don't like when that happens because that is when my mind starts to wander.  When the house is quiet, no distractions, it's almost instant that my mind goes to Jaylen and the events of that dreadful day.  Yesterday morning when I awoke, my mind was going like a whirlwind.  The past month or two have been different for me than in past months.  I haven't had much feeling of anything so when I was experiencing these feelings this past week and particularly yesterday morning, it was unexpected (but, then again with grief, nothing is unexpected).  As I layed there, tears began to stream.  I'm not sure if it was coincidence or not, but right then, I realized it was March 21st and Jaylen's accident was exactly 18 months ago.  

Eighteen long months without my baby boy.  It seems as if it has been an eternity since Jaylen has been with us physically.  Our lives have adjusted and my biggest fear has come true.  I think that is probably what I'm struggling most within my grief right now.  LIFE GOES ON...when I wanted the world and my world to stop, it didn't and we have continued on, adjusting to living life without Jaylen.  I never wanted to get use to Jaylen not being here, I never wanted him to be a memory, but slowly that reality has slipped away and all we have left are the memories.

   
Lately I've been questioning so many things.  I hear of so many miraculous events taking place to where people have survived something when they shouldn't have. I hate asking the "Why" question because it runs me crazy knowing that I will never get an answer.  Why didn't Jaylen survive??  Why didn't we get a miracle that day?? Why Jaylen...he was so full of life??!!  Especially when on that day, we were told that he was going to be okay, only to arrive at the hospital to hear the words, "he didn't make it".  Yesterday, after feeling a little sorry for myself, I was at the gym and a song came on by Taylor Swift.  It's a song that reminds me of Jaylen so much and brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it.  As I was listening,  a line spoke to me like it never had before..."What if the miracle was even getting one moment with you".  At that moment, I had a million flashbacks of Jaylen's life.  Entering this world at just 30 weeks gestation, perfect.  To stay in the NICU a short amount of time, only to allow himself to grow and get stronger.  He is my miracle and I got almost two years with him.  I will never understand why so many parents have to experience this kind of loss and pain, but I have put my trust in God.  That is why I try not to ask "Why"...he knows why and I believe that one day I will have that answer.  

We had the amazing opportunity to visit my parents in London for a week, recently. It was incredible and I fell in love with London.  It is a beautiful city with so much history.  I've never been one to understand the depths of history, but being there and experiencing it, was intriguing.  With every opportunity in life now though, there is still always that feeling of "I wish Jaylen was with us".  Nothing is the same, no matter how amazing something is.  

The first day we arrived, we went to see Buckingham Palace where the Queen lives.  Kaia was in heaven!!  Prior to leaving she had told me that she had to take her "most beautiful" dress with us just in case she gets to see the queen.  She also told me for days that she was "practicing her bowing" in case she gets to meet the Queen.  It was so cute to watch her excitement.  As we were standing in front of the palace, my dad says, "Let's get a family picture".  He doesn't know this, but my heart sank in that moment beacuse all I could think about was that this isn't a complete family picture...someone is missing.  I think that was the first time I had heard "let's get a family picture" since Jaylen's passing.  We took a lot of family pictures while we were in London and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, but that again, is part of my "new normal".  Our family picture, my life, will never be complete again until we are all reunited.

 As the week went on in London, we had such a great time.  We walked a ton and the kids never complained.  It was pretty amazing.  The day before we left, we were walking through the park where Kensington Palace is (home to William and Kate).  It rains a lot in London and had that day.  The grass was wet and muddy.  As we were walking through the muddy grass, some mud splashed up onto the toe of my shoe.  I thought nothing of it and figured I would just wash my shoes when we got home.  As we got back and the mud had dried, I noticed that it had dried in the shape of a heart.  Coincidence?? Maybe...but in my mind and my hope, I feel as if Jaylen was telling me, "Mom, I am here. I am always here".  These are the moments that keep me going.  

As time has passed, the less I feel Jaylen close.  It can make life messy and confusing feeling so far away from him, but I know he is busy and "life goes on".  Life has to go on because this is a trial I was given and I have to face it.  I don't know why my son, Jaylen, was chosen to leave this earth before me, but I trust God. He must believe in me, along with Mike, Ian, and Kaia, enough to know that we could handle this and survive.  We are surviving...even if some days I want to crumble.  It's not the path I would have ever chosen for myself, but it was given to me so I'm doing my best.  One day I will stand before God, reunited with Jaylen and will have that answer, but until then, I am doing my best living this life without my beautiful baby.  

His Plan Must Be Better Than Mine

The past few months have been a roller coaster ride, but I guess when it comes to grief, that is the way life is.  There are days of steadiness, even a little incline, but then there are those big, downward dips that make your stomach drop and the feelings seem to linger for awhile.  With a loved one gone, particularly a child, the holidays just aren't the same.  I don't necessarily even know that it was because of the holidays that I was feeling so broken, I think it is just part of this journey.   The journey of living life broken.  No matter how great my life is and can be, there will always be a little part that is broken and won't be made whole until we are all together again.  

About a week before Christmas, there were four or five nights consecutively where I had dreams with my brother Brian in them.  It was quite odd to me because I haven't dreamt of Brian in quite a while.  Dreams always stand out to me, especially when they are distinct and I can remember them the next day.  Whenever I get to have a dream with Jaylen or Brian in it, I feel so lucky.  It's as if they are with me in that moment and I enjoy every minute of them.  As the dreams continued through out the week, I couldn't help but think that Brian was close.  I don't dream of Brian often, so to have him there for a week straight in a time of desperation, could be of no coincidence.  I have learned quickly from losing Jaylen that there really isn't much coincidence in this life.  I don't know how it is all orchestrated, but there is a master and we truly are not in control.  It can be so scary to think about in some ways, but in other ways, such a beautiful thing.  It reminds me of a primary song that I have just recently heard Kaia playing on her music player a lot.  The song is called, "I Will Follow God's Plan" written by Vanja Y. Watkins and the lyrics are, 

1.      My life is a gift; my life has a plan.
   My life has a purpose; in heav'n it began.
   My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth
   And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.
   I will follow God's plan for me,
   Holding fast to his word and his love.
   I will work, and I will pray;
   I will always walk in his way.
   Then I will be happy on earth
   And in my home above.

I don't know why that song has played over and over in my mind recently other than the fact that the lyrics seem to have such true meaning.  Our lives are a gift and there is a plan for each and every one of us.  

Mike and I have really hoped to have more children and at the end of September we found out that we were expecting.  After almost a year of trying, we were ecstatic and shocked.  For it to take so long, it didn't seem real.  We have never really struggled to get pregnant so the fact that it took so long, our hopes were down and we weren't sure that we would have that opportunity again.  At our six week check up we saw a beautiful, strong heartbeat and learned that we would have a beautiful baby in our arms this coming June.  As we had been living with broken hearts for the past year, we were excited to have the opportunity to expand our family and love another child once again.  Unfortunately, life as we know it, doesn't always go as planned.  At our eight week appointment, the doctor was unable to find a heartbeat and I ended up miscarrying this baby at nine weeks along.  We were devastated and it took me about five steps back in my grief.  I don't speak of this for sympathy, but rather to show that trials continue.  Just because we have lived the unimaginable, does not mean that we are spared from more trials.  It has made me really have to search deeper in trying to understand my path and the path of our family.  I have had to tell myself over and over that I have to trust God's plan.  The plan I have had layed out in my mind is far different than what he has chosen for me, but in the end, he is who knows what is best.  I have to put it in to perspective of a young child, hearing my parents tell me No to something.  I would throw tantrums, not understanding why they would say No, but they had their reasons and it was only because they wanted what was best for me.  As hard as it is to try and understand why Jaylen had to go on ahead of me, along with life continuing to not go as planned, I have to have faith that God is only doing what he knows is best for me and my family.  As a young child, I didn't understand the reasoning behind my parents saying No to things, but now as a parent, I understand more.  I hope and believe that the same will be when we are reunited with Jaylen and in God's presence once again. 

A Search for Happiness

Christmas 2012

Christmas time use to be my most favorite time of year.  From the day Thanksgiving was over to January 1, I would listen to Christmas music non stop.  I loved being out and around town, seeing all the beautiful decorations and Christmas lights.  Walking through the malls, smelling the cinnamon roasted almonds cooking, hearing the jingle bells ring, and seeing the excitement on the kids faces as they would sit on Santa's lap.  There was always something so magical about this time of year.  Today, being almost 15 months into my journey, that has all changed.  I so badly want to be excited about this time of year.  I want those feelings that I use to have, but they are gone.  

We took the kids this past week to pick out a Christmas tree.  Kaia had been begging us since the day after Thanksgiving so we knew we needed to get it before she ran us crazy.  I think if it weren't for Ian and Kaia, Mike and I would probably skip on the normal Christmas traditions now.  It's hard to truly enjoy anything when something so big is missing.  As we got home from getting the tree, I got the lights set up and then let the kids decorate.  I sat back and watched, envisioning what it would be like to have Jaylen there in that moment. We were fortunate to have Jaylen with us for two Christmases, but of those two Christmases, he was at an age that he didn't really understand what was going on.  I remember our last Christmas with him here.  After we had decorated the tree, I learned shortly later that only the top half could have ornaments.  Jaylen thought that the ornaments were balls and would take them off, throwing them around the house.  I think he broke over a dozen ornaments that year.  What I wouldn't give to have him breaking ornaments this year.  

Lately I have really been struggling.  The pain is so different as time goes on.  I have heard that year two is more difficult than year one.  So far, I don't know how to compare the two other than they are different, but yet the same.  Year one for me was shock, confusion, broken, empty, soul searching, trying to make sense of it all, and so on.  So far my experience in year two is all of those things, along with wanting so badly to feel normal again, but "normal" is gone.  The tears still fall regularly, but the uncontrollable sobbing fest are more spread out and come at the most unexpected times.  I have thought a lot about the months leading up to Jaylen's accident.  We were in such a great place as a family.  I think we were happier than we had ever been.  Life wasn't perfect, but it felt pretty close to that.  As the numbness has slowly worn off, I have craved to feel that pure and blissful feeling lately.  As I had been craving that blissful feeling, I was searching for ways to get that back in my life.  Seeking old habits, thinking that maybe doing some of the things we use to do would maybe bring a part of that back.  What I realized though, is that no matter what I do in life, nothing can bring back that true happiness that was once there.  

Daddy and Jaylen have an undeniable bond

Mike and I were on a walk the other night.  It was just the two of us, which rarely happens, but so nice to have that time to talk.  He doesn't open up to me much about his feelings on Jaylen, but he did that night.  I'm always grateful to have those conversations with him because a lot of times I think we both try to stay strong in each others presence so we don't bring the other one down.  In all reality though, our thoughts are the same.  We both think about Jaylen non stop.  What life would be like right now?  What would Jaylen being playing with, saying?  How tall would he be and so on... So many questions that run through our minds on a daily basis.  Then, along with that, every little boy that we see just tugs at our a hearts a little more.  We have both said how badly we wish that pure happiness was still there. We have so much to be grateful for.  We have a good life and continue to have so many blessings come our way, but that doesn't change the fact that a huge part of us is gone.  We have both realized that we can be "happy", we have "happy" moments, but know that the complete and utterly, blissful feeling of happiness will not be there until we are whole again and all together.  Not to say that we can't be happy, we have had many happy moments since, but it will just never be the same.  And honestly, how can it be??  

Today is my brother Brian's birthday.  If he were here today, he would be turning 38.  I think about how much has changed in my family's lives the past, almost six years.  If you would have asked me six years ago if I thought I would have a brother and son in Heaven I would have laughed.  Those things don't happen to me...at least that's what we all think, right? Well, those things do happen and I'm living it first hand now.  Losing people so close to you is hard to imagine, until it actually does and you realize how easily it can happen.  It changes you deeply.  I not only cherish each moment a little more, I also fear each moment because I know that it could be our last.  As I continue on this journey, each day is a stepping stone.  Some days that stone is very unsteady, others day it's a little stronger, but slowly I am moving forward, one step at a time.   

LOVE this picture!!
 My nephew drew it after Jaylen's passing. 

My Perfect Angel

Last week my kids brought home their school pictures for this school year, they turned out perfect of course.  Every year when my kids have their pictures taken, I exchange the one they have on the wall with the updated one.  I have not updated their pictures since before Jaylen's passing from last year.  As I took Kaia's picture down, replaced the picture, and then Ian's, I looked at Jaylen's and realized that I will never get to change his picture.  Yes, I could change it with a different one, but I will never have that picture of Kindergarten.  The picture of third grade where he has missing teeth or the picture of the funny smile and the messy hair.  It's these little things that hit you in the moment and it stings.  I look at his beautiful picture on our wall and emotions consume me.  He is a perfect angel who has blessed our family in so many ways.  This is not the path I had planned for him.  

Jaylen, about an hour after he was born

Jaylen was the piece of the puzzle that completed our family.  I remember talking with Mike about wanting one more child after Kaia.  I always thought the magic number was three and so when Mike agreed, I was ecstatic.  Jaylen didn't come as planned either, it took a little bit of time and in that time, we had a miscarriage.  Fortunately after the miscarriage, it didn't take long and we were preparing for this child that was so badly wanted.  I think Jaylen wanted to come as bad as we wanted him to because on September 21, 2011, in the middle of the night at just 29 weeks of pregnancy, my water broke.  We rushed to the hospital and were fortunate to keep Jaylen inside long enough for the doctors to do some things to help prepare his lungs for a premature delivery.  Four days after my water broke, at just 30 weeks, Jaylen arrived weighing 3 pounds 7 ounces.  He was perfect in every way, just small and needed time to grow.  I remember being so worried that day my water broke, the fear of the unknown and what was to come.  Jaylen amazed us all at his fight and determination to grow so he could come home and be with us.  When he was born, we were told that he could be in the hospital for at least ten weeks, but after a long, but short five week stay, our perfectly healthy premature baby was home.   I remember the feeling of having him in our home, a little piece of heaven, which still to this day has not gone away.  

Holding mommy's hand

As I think about the dates of Jaylen's arrival, I don't believe that it was any coincidence that exactly two years after he was preparing to come into this world, he left this world.  September 21 will never be the same for me.  After Jaylen was born, we joked that he was our million dollar baby because of the medical expenses that came from his birth.  He was our miracle and still is.  I look at his picture every day and talk to him, thinking that maybe he can hear me.  It's funny how our trials in life really put things into perspective and what truly is important.  

Halloween was quite different for me this year.  I have always enjoyed watching the kids get dressed up and see the excitement in their eyes for trick or treating.  This year, as we would take our nightly walks though, I had a different feeling.  As we would walk by the homes decorated, I was bothered by the homes that glorified death in such an evil, ugly, creepy way.  Yes, death can be ugly.  People are taken from this earth in horrifying ways, but my thoughts on death are so different now.  I remember talking last year with my sister in law, who was married to my brother that has passed away.  She said to me that death is hard, but there is such a beauty that comes with it also.  At that time, I was still early in my grief.  I thought she was insane and could not understand how she could feel that way.  A year later, I look back at the miracles and blessing that have come in my life and she is right, there is a beauty that comes with death.  Our home, most days, feels like a piece of heaven is there.  There are blessings that have come our way that we know are because of our angel in heaven.  Yes, I would trade all those blessings and feelings in a heartbeat to have Jaylen back with us, but that was not the plan.  Jaylen came to us knowing his path.  I believe we all knew before coming here, our destiny.  As we entered this world and crossed from the vail, our premortal life became a blur, but I believe that once we return back home, we will look back and remember.

Halloween 2011, 2 days after coming home from the hospital

  
We all signed up for this life knowing that it would come full of trials.  As I think about that, I wonder why I would ever sign up knowing that I would lose my child, there is NO WAY I would want to go through this!  This life is a gift, we never know when our time is up.  I do know though, we chose to come here knowing what we would be returning too. It's hard to fathom now, but I know it's got to be something pretty amazing for these trials to be worth it.  

Empty Hand

Every morning I get to take Kaia to school and drop her off.  We park the car down the street from the school and walk a little ways so we aren't caught up in the traffic.  Each day as we get out of the car, Kaia reaches for my hand and we walk, hand in hand, until she reaches her school doors.   I look forward to that small moment each morning with Kaia.  Something that I know won't last forever, but cherish that for now, she wants to hold my hand.  

Most mornings it is hectic as we get to the school because so many parents are dropping their kids off.  As I watch these parents, a lot of them have their younger children with them as well.  It makes me wish Jaylen could be there with me to send Kaia off each day.  One morning, like most, I walked Kaia to the school doors and started heading back to my car.  As I looked up, there was a mom in front of me, walking hand in hand with her toddler.  The little girl couldn't have been more than two.  At that moment, emotions filled my entire body as I tried to hold back the tears.  My hand never felt so empty.   The moment I got to my car, I lost it.  I hadn't had a good cry in awhile and I let it out.  Those are the moments that are so hard.  The unexpected flood of emotions.  Waking up to a decent day, just to be reminded once again that my baby is gone.  I will never get to hold his hand again in this life.  I will never get to walk him across the street to school.  The last time I held Jaylen's hand, he had already slipped into the next life.   

There are so many moments in life that are taken for granted.  Before losing Jaylen, holding my child's hand did not mean the same.  Of course I still enjoyed it, but it was something I took for granted.  Now, each time Kaia reaches for my hand, I squeeze a little tighter and hold on to the moment.  It is something that I look forward to.  It's amazing to realize all the simple things that are taken for granted.  I'm guilty of it myself, even today, but I am more aware of what is important.  Most are more considerate of complete strangers than they are their own family members.  We take for granted the things closest to us because we think they will always be there.  When in reality, family is everything and life can change in an instant.

One thing I can tell you about grief is that it teaches you to love a little harder.  The small, simple moments are big moments now.  Kaia reaching for my hand, warms my soul.  Ian giving me a hug, makes my heart a little fuller.  I'm still so new to this process, but in a way, I feel as if I have learned so much.  It is a lesson I never wanted to learn, but I'm here so I'm trying to figure it out.  I think back to a year ago, life was so clouded.  The sun was shining bright most days, but all I saw was gray.  I'd wake up each morning wondering how was I going to survive another day?  There are still mornings where I wake up feeling that way.  There is still a lot of gray, but I can slowly see pockets of sunlight coming through now.  Life will never be the same.  I will miss Jaylen until I am reunited with him, but he has taught me more in my life than I could have ever imagined.  I would never trade the two short years that I got with him.  I feel lucky that I got the time that I did.  It has made me realize that truly, this life here on earth, is only a stopping point to eternity.  I know Jaylen lives.  I know my brother Brian lives and I know Jesus lives.  I'm not ready for that next step yet, but I do look forward to the day that we are all reunited.  

One Year...Really??

Looking back on this last year I can't believe that the calendar already says October 2, 2014.  Was it really over one year ago that I lost my beautiful Jaylen??  One year of sleepless nights, distraught, blurred days and trying to make sense of life now??  Some days it feels like it has been an eternity since Jaylen left this world, moving on to the next step towards eternity, but other days it seems as if it was just yesterday.  I still feel stuck as I try to move forward, but never wanting to leave Jaylen in the past.  Trying to figure out how to still build positive memories, but keeping Jaylen still included.  Even though he is not with us physically, I still feel that he is very much a part of our family and that will never change.  I have three children and Jaylen is one of them.  

This past summer was extremely hard for me.  I'm not sure if it was because that year date was slowly creeping up on me, but I really struggled.  I was probably lower than I have ever been since losing Jaylen. There were days that I was literally living minute by minute, wondering how am I ever going to survive this tragedy?  I miss my baby boy so much!!  Words will never be able to describe what it is like to lose a child.  You CAN NOT understand unless you are walking this path and my heart hurts so badly for every parent that does understand.  With that though, time slowly crept into September and I had to prepare myself for that dreadful "D" day anniversary, along with what would have been Jaylen's third birthday to follow only four days later.  Along with preparing for that, I still needed to make September a good month because Kaia was born in September and we always want to make her birthday special as well.  

At Peter Piper Pizza for Kaia's 5th Birthday

 I remember Kaia's birthday last year.  We had gone to Peter Piper Pizza with a few friends.  I remember watching Jaylen, thinking about how fast he was growing up and how fun it was to watch him try and be like the "big kids".  My heart was so full that night.  I had all three kids with me, smiling, laughing, and having the time of their lives.  That night was exactly one week before tragedy struck.  I cherish those moments and am so grateful that we have so many positive memories together. 

This year for Kaia's birthday all she wanted to do was go to Chuck E Cheese so we agreed.   It was hard for me to be there, but I put on a smile and made Kaia's birthday as positive as I could.  What was hard about that night is that Jaylen was not there.  Memories of a year before came flooding back and how badly I wish he was still with us.  I think that is what is so difficult about this whole process.  Everything we do now is a "before" and "after."  Everything we did a year ago, Jaylen was with us and we have so many great memories.  We have still made some really great memories this past year, but it is not the same and never will be.  With that too, we are now on to year two and a year ago, the nightmare had just begun.

For many months I contemplated on what to do to make September 21-25th of each year special now.  Last year was such a fog to me, especially that week, but one thing I remember vividly was all that sunshine that was spread during that dark time.  My sister in law had come up with the idea immediately after hearing about what happened to Jaylen and that is kind of how "Spreading Sunshine for Jaylen" was started.  I can not thank her enough for having the idea.  In lieu of losing my little boy, good things were taking place and it made my heart feel a little less empty.  With the way it made me feel last year, I decided that I wanted to turn the week of September 21-25 into a week of "Spreading Sunshine" for years to come.  

This past September 21st we spent the day together as a family, doing something that Jaylen would love.  We spent the morning at Six Flags over Texas, then went to lunch.  That evening, with many people in the community that we have grown to love, we released 200 yellow balloons and 1 white, representing Jaylen's first angel year,  into the beautiful Texas sky.  It was a beautiful moment and there is no doubt that Jaylen was aware and present on that night.  That was the start to a dreaded, but beautiful week.  As I witnessed the many people that participated in Spreading Sunshine, along with the recipients who shared of their experiences, I felt a feeling of happiness that I had not felt in over a year.  I struggled for months thinking about this week, but it turned out to be probably the best week I've had in the last year and I know it is what Jaylen would want and was hoping for.  

What I've come to realize about the Angel day is that it is a day for everyone else to remember.  It is no different that the Monday in April, or the Thursday in July, that I woke up to another day without Jaylen.  For so long, I was so worried about how I would feel on that day and the emotions that would be there, but in reality, that day was easier than most days I have had this past year.  Everyday is an anniversary to me because everyday is one more day without Jaylen.  With that though, with each passing day, it is one more day closer to us seeing Jaylen again.  I have learned through grief and this process that time, either way, is not your friend.  I dread waking up each morning, just to add one more day without Jaylen, but I also know that time won't stop and eventually time is what will have my family all back together again.  

Jaylen's angel week could not have gone better.  I am so grateful for the lives that were touched that week and feel so honored that so many people wanted to share my Jaylen with the world.  To most, he is just a beautiful little boy who went home too soon, but to me, his Mama, he is everything.  My heart was so full because for one week, my everything, was a part of so many others lives.  I think for all parents who have lost a child, one of the biggest fears is that their child will be forgotten.  For one week though, my child was not forgotten, but remembered and made aware of to so many.  

Still, one year later, I wake to a new reality.  Every morning is still a slap in the face.  The day Jaylen left us, my biggest fear in all of this was that we would forget what it is like to have Jaylen in our daily lives.  What's hard is that the fear has come true.  The memories will never be forgotten.  The love for him is just as strong as it was the day he was born, but the reality of taking care of him and having him actually in home is no longer there.  Yes, we feel him near, but the void of that physical presence and the hands on of taking care of him, is huge.  We have adjusted though, that fear has come true, and it's just one more thing about this ugly reality.  

Life is short.  I never thought I would make it through this past year, but it has come and gone.  I am now on to year two.  There are many who have said year two was harder than year one.  If that's the case, I am not looking forward to it.  No matter what, whether it is year one or year thirty, Jaylen will always be in my heart.  There will always be that deep pain from the separation, but there is hope.  Hope that we, as a family, can still have a happy future.  Just because we can't physically touch Jaylen, he will always be with us.  We have an angel in heaven watching over us, guiding and directing us.

My Angel! Cheering us on from the other side now

Back to School

Family "back to school" activity
Texas Rangers game

Normally back to school is an exciting time, seeing the kids progress each year and starting a new chapter in their lives.  This year was a little different for me though.  As happy as I am that Ian is advancing to the sixth grade and Kaia is starting Kindergarten, there is a sadness within me too.  It's a bittersweet moment.  A year ago, I would have looked at this upcoming year as something to look forward to.  Kaia would be starting her first year in a "big" school as she would say.  She is no longer a little girl, but simply "growing up" as she put it to me bluntly the other day.  And yes, she definitely is growing up, which I am grateful to be able to watch and appreciate every day that I get with her, but I was not prepared to have an empty house without children in my care.

First day of 6th grade

 

I am a working mother, but have been blessed to be able to work from home.  Even though I do work from home, I still had to find care for my kids while working.  Not a big deal though because since I am at home, I spent less time in the car traveling, taking the kids across town, to and from daycare, along with traveling to and from my office.  It was a HUGE blessing when we moved to Texas and was able to have that opportunity.  I have had more time with my kids and I had a lot more time spent with Jaylen, which I would not have had otherwise.   Last year Kaia and Jaylen were attending the same preschool/daycare.  Kaia enjoyed school but Jaylen HATED being left there.  I couldn't help but reminisce this past Monday when I took Kaia to her first day of Kindergarten and think back to a year ago.  Jaylen clung to me every time we walked into that daycare, knowing that I was about to leave him for eight hours.  It tore me up inside EVERY time.  It was absolutely my least favorite part of the day, I actually dreaded it.  I would have given anything to not have to leave him there, but I knew that once I was out of his sight, he was fine.  The highlight of the day was going back to pick him up.  They have windows at the daycare where you can look into the classroom and see what the children are doing.  Most days when I would go and pick him up, I would watch through the window for a minute, waiting for him to realize that I was there.  The expression on his face, when he would notice me, was priceless.  The excitement that would come over him melted my heart because he was so excited to see me.  Once he saw me, I would head to the door and watch him run towards the door on the other side.  As I opened it, every time, he would just run in my arms, screaming "Mommy!!" so grateful to see me.  I don't know why that memory flooded my mind on Monday, but it did and I was sad.

First day of Kindergarten

I realized that I would never get to experience a day like that again.  A day that he would cling to me, not wanting to let him go.  I will never get a first day of Preschool with Jaylen, a first day of Kindergarten, a first day of Middle School, and so on.  I wasn't prepared a year ago to have all my children in school full time at this point in my life.  I thought I had more time, more time with one baby still at home with me.  More time to prepare for sending Jaylen off to so many "first" in his life.  Instead, I sent Jaylen off to a much different place, one that I was not prepared for.  I often ponder all the things that he is learning and doing now.  I'm sure that he is having many first that I am not able to be there for.

Most have seen the ALS ice bucket challenge going around on Facebook.  It has been so fun to watch as awareness has been made for this horrible disease.  I really didn't know much about it until this challenge started and we were challenged.  It was a good opportunity to be educated, along with educating my kids.  Kaia and Ian have loved watching all the videos come through.  Because of that challenge, many other type of challenges have been started.  As I logged onto Facebook this morning, I noticed that my sister in law had challenged me, and others, a new challenge.  To share what Jesus means to me.  I was a little surprised and thought about it for a moment.  A year ago, I probably would have been offended that she would call me out like that, but I know without Jesus, I would not be surviving this tragedy today.  The only peace and comfort that I have felt this past year is when I am trying to build my relationship with him.  I have learned so much in this past year, about Jesus, that has brought comfort.  There are still many days of darkness, but I cling to those moments of peace and clarity.  I have never prayed in my life like I have in this past year.  I am ashamed to say that it took losing my son to pour my heart out to God, but I'm grateful to know that he does not judge us and loves us unconditionally.

My parents are half way across the world right now serving a mission for their church in London.  I miss them deeply, but with technology these days we are able to FaceTime frequently.  The other day I was struggling and needed some comfort so I called them.  For that moment, I was their little girl again trying to find her way in this big world of mess.  My dad shared a scripture with me, "My son (he said daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.  And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes" D&C 121:7-8.   I'm grateful for having parents to help me through this trial and all other trials I have faced in life.  They are great examples to me and my family.  This life hard, it's messy and it's not because of this one trial, but for the trials that we all face daily.  I know that one day in the future though, I will have that moment once again with my precious Jaylen.  That moment where we meet eye to eye and he runs into my arms, yelling, "mommy!" 

I will hold you in my arms again, my angel!!